Passing through the valley of weeping

2011-10-27T11:42:00.000-07:00

I feel today like a well of sorrow is almost overcoming me. One of those days that I'd like to just climb into bed and cry to my Father. But I don't have time to cry, or to grieve. Can't it just go away already, it's been nearly 2 years???? I'm so tired of crying. And yet even as I sit here the tears stream my face... I ask Him again for the millionth time; How do I do this Lord? How do I do this alone? How do I provide for them? How do I take care of all of their needs? How do I do his job? How do I educate them? How do I grow their character? How do I love them and find joy in them when Im frustrated and overwhelmed and can't get one minute to myself? How do I pour You into their little hearts... How do I give Lord when I have nothing left??? I feel alone, exhausted, heavy burdened. Funny how you can feel alone but yet I know I'm so loved. And what about me Lord? Who will love me? A 40 yo mom of 4 little boys? Not an ideal date. And I know I'm so much more than that but will someone take time to see that? Is there a man with such courage or so crazy? Who will be able to look past our circumstances and have a heart for me? Someone who could love children that aren't theirs? And do I want to risk giving my heart to another? The risk of being hurt, them not loving you back... losing someone again ...Ugh! Is it even worth it??? I hate risk. I like security, the comfort of my husband who was growing old with me, stood firm by my side, loving during even the ugly times. I miss him. I wish I could say that life without him has gotten easier, but it really hasn't. It's different, harder even in some respects.

So this is just me venting my thoughts, my heart. I'm sure I'm not alone in them. It's been almost 2 years now and while life is generally good I can still feel the wound, always carrying with me the pocket of sorrow as one of my dear friends put it, still sometimes wishing for the time when he was and the pain was not...

2011-09-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

We went to the Aquarium of the Pacific this morning with my home school group. One of my friends who went just found out her husband has cancer. I was uneasy about going to begin with because the last time I had been to the aquarium it was when George was sick, just 2 months before he died. I remember the day so clearly. I remember how I felt leaving him altho he told us to go because he was going to go to work (which he wasn't able to do.) When I got to the Aquarium that day I some how lost all my money and I remember calling him crying because I just felt like the devil was trying to destroy our life. He, being my rock, of course reassured me of God's faithfulness. But still death and destruction seemed to just linger with me that day. I can still feel it now. So here I was today, now 2 years later, walking along side my friend and strangely feeling like I was talking to myself. It was surreal and again my focus for what really matters in this life became vividly clear. She talked with me about repentance for how she had treated her husband. Not that she was a bad wife but it's so easy in a busy family for us wives to shuffle our husband to the bottom of our priorities. After all, we have lots of children to care for, school to teach, a house to clean, and a bunch of other justifications for our sin. And it is sin. God has an order for the family; Him, husband, kids, everything else. If thats not the order in your life then it's not good- even if it doesn't look like anythings wrong- it is wrong and eventually you will bear the fruit of it. She told me about how she's changing and loving him more now, tells him and shows him. Why does it take the possibility of losing someone to make us love them the way we know we should???

I had dinner with another widow a few weeks ago. She, another wonderful wife, living with the regrets of not spending more time with her husband. Remembering all the times he would ask her to go places with him, just simple places like home depot but she would just say no because she just wasn't interested. Now she wishes she had the time to go anywhere with him as long as she could just be with him.

For me the struggle or excuse is that there never seems to be enough time for me to do everything I need to. I am raising 4 boys who require my attention constantly and usually at the same time as well. I am doing 3 bible studies, home schooling, teaching in a coop, laundry baskets are ever flowing with dirty clothes, loads of clean laundry all my bed, dishes needing wash, food that needs to be cooked, bills that need to be paid and my list goes on. And you know tonight I was trying to do some of that stuff and Simeon came in wanting to play basketball with me and I told him i was too busy and sent him away. He came back in a few minutes later and asked me to hold him and give him kisses and you know I had to force myself to stop doing the dishes and sit down for a few minutes and love on my boy. What is wrong with me??? Why is it so hard for us -me- to let go us these things that don't matter. Why is it so hard for me to get it? Is our house being clean more important then tying strings of fellowship with our families? Is there anything so crucial that we can't greet our husband at the front door with a kiss and a smile? Is Jesus going to say to us, well done good and faithful servant, your dishes were always done and your laundry baskets were always empty??? I desperately need to slow down and retrain myself in what's really important- to God. It's the Mary vs Martha thing. Mary's at Jesus's feet and martha's busy working. And I love what Jesus says to martha in luke 10:42. I crossed out martha's name and put mine there. But Jesus says to her.. you are worried and bothered about so many things but only a few things are necessary, really only one, for mary has chosen the good part... It's interesting to me that it says martha was "distracted" with all her preparations or services. We need to be very careful of anything- even seemingly good things- that distract us from the things that really matter. When George was sick, I spent every minute by his side, talking to him, serving him even if that meant sitting next to him while he was sleeping. I loved him without regret, like there was no tomorrow, because I knew eventually there would be no tomorrow for us. How are you loving? Are you loving? How would your husband and kids answer that? Let's be honest. Let's not wait. I am being ever reminded that life is short. None of us but God knows the number of our days. Let loving God, our husbands and children be our highest calling and our greatest quest! What else matters?

You have collected my tears in Your bottle...

2011-04-28T23:01:00.000-07:00

Thinking about him alot tonight. So much that I can't sleep. Just looking out the window wishing to hear his big diesel truck pull into the driveway again and watch the boy's excitement as they realized their Dad was home. Each one of them would recognize the sound as he was coming up the street and would race outside to meet him. I miss him. They miss him. I don't even know what to call him? It doesn't sound right to call him George because i never did. I called him Babe or Honey. I still have his cell phone number in my phone under Honey. Sometimes I think about even calling it. Obviously i know he won't answer but I miss calling him. I miss our 3 or 4 little conversations a day or him just saying; hey beautiful, i love you. Things you never really think about. So Im thinking tonight about how God takes into account our wanderings and puts our tears- mine and yours- in a bottle and how they are all in His book. There's something really beautiful about that to me... I feel like tonight im wandering. Wandering through more memories of a life that should be joyful but they're not joyful. New memories stir up the sorrow like Im back at the beginning again. It's gut wrenchingly painful and sad and the sorrow always awakens some anger and it's just... grieving. But God, my Father, the Lover of my soul, keeps track of every one of these times that I go through this. He is so near and concerned and so intimately acquainted with this part of me that He takes each one of my tears and puts them in His bottle AND every ache of my heart is recorded in his book.

Did you know that? Did you know that God cares about every tear you shed? That He see's every tear? Knows every heart ache? Hears every word- even the ones you can't speak? That He's right here with us in our wanderings, our wrestlings, our dark moments in the middle of the night. He knows all about it. There's just something really intimate and beautiful about that to me. He's really that near to touch the tears on my face... I'll love Him forever for that, for His faithfulness and His gentle love for us. It's such a beautiful gift to know Him this way.

psalm 56:8

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.

another translation

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

2011-02-06T04:51:00.000-08:00

I hate worrying. I hate it when you wake up during the night and you have the temptation to worry. You know, a certain thought comes into your mind and then the battle starts. The worry thought comes, then God's word comes. Worry comes, God's word and on it goes. Meanwhile your adrenalin starts racing and by the time you've determined to rest in God, you're wide awake. Hence, me sitting here at 4am. I understand why Jesus said "Do not worry." I can see very clearly why "do not fear" is the thing He commanded most in one form or another because Im sure one our greatest temptations is to be afraid. Fear is a thief. And worry is the fruit of fear.

I feel like I have been through the ringer these last few weeks or so. I wish I could tell you the whole story in detail but it would be too long. Some of it I have already shared. While we were finishing up the work on the house I got pneumonia so Im already weak. After that I had strep throat. Then I came home to my house that morning and someone had gotten into the garage and stolen some things. At the end of pneumonia I had something else wrong, not sure still what it was, but I felt like I was in transitional labor for a few weeks. I was taking atleast 20 ibuprofen a day. My back hurt, my stomach hurt, all symptoms that George had had. So you can only guess what was being whispered in my ear. So we're living back home at this point, but I wasn't sleeping very much because I was afraid. Every sound I would here, every time a sensor light went on outside my heart would start racing. So then I went out to my car one morning and someone had been inside my car. My door was unlocked but the rest of the doors were locked, which is strange considering my doors automatically lock. So they took some things. (didn't get some other things though) And Im thinking... Is someone watching us? Is this the same person who stole our things from the garage? Are they going to try to get in the house too? On and On. And just as I was determining to not be afraid I started getting creepy text messages from people I didn't know and Im hit again. So as the labor like pains were ending I had a consistent pain in left side of my stomach so I went in to the Dr. He did an xray and said there's no blocks or tumors- thank God! Then at last minute he decided to do a test on my pancreas because it's close to that area. So I got a higher than normal test result which just freaked me out and sent me spiraling. So I go back to the Dr. he re-ran the test and it turns out IT was wrong- thank God again! Meantime Im trying to muscle up some faith because believe me- I had none. And it seemed like everytime i would try to gird up I would be hit with something else. I was bombarded. And even my well intended friends, who I know love me and would never hurt me were just saying things to me that were like piling weights in my already sinking boat. Finally I took a friend in the bathroom and just broke. I felt like the devil- the enemy of our soul- was trying to kill me. Now I know we live in a fallen world and that all the things that happen to us may not be spiritual BUT in corinthians it say's a spiritual man spiritually appraises ALL things. The spiritual world is just as real- if not more- than the world we see and we would be foolish to not pray and spiritually examine the things happening in our lives-especially how I was being bombarded. The scripture is pretty clear that we have an enemy. And his goal is to steal God's word from us, to lie, kill and destroy. And that's what he was trying to do to me. After i broke down in the bathroom with my sister, I went and got my life preserver- my bible- and we went in the bedroom and I just started reading through the psalms with her. It's amazing how God's word can just run over you and be like a drink of water in a desert land. So after some time of reading and regrouping my self, my friend left the room. So I was still sitting there reading when this teen age boy came in. He's a really sweet kid and he was crying. When I asked him what was wrong he said to me- that the next day would have been his mom's 50th birthday and that she died when he was 2 1/2 and that he missed her. I couldn't believe it!!! Seriously!! And then I could totally see him- the liar. I mean really? What are the chances of all of that just being random ( as my 10 yo would say). We have an enemy! And he tries to confuse us- A. about God's will for us; perverting the scriptures the make God out to be the one who lies, kills and destroys and Im sorry to say but the church buys it! God help us! You know the thing that made Him so angry with the people of israel in the wilderness was that they limited His power and they never came to know His ways. Hmmm. Something to think about. You know Canaan was their promise land and a picture not just of heaven being our promise land but also being a picture of us entering to posses anything God has promised us. God told them canaan was theirs, but they had to go in and take it. They had to believe what God said was true and act on it- that's what faith is. And when they sent the guys in to spy out the land and they came back with the report that the land was beautiful BUT they couldn't take it because there were giants in the land and they were like grasshoppers in their sight. Who told them they were like grasshoppers in their sight??? Read the story, it's very insightful. God called their report evil but it was true. Wasn't it? There were giants in the land- men 10ft tall! But they believed what they saw, how they felt and the lie that they were like grasshoppers over what God had said to them. They, like Joshua, should not have been moved by what they saw or how they felt and neither should we. That generation believed God was going to let them die in that wilderness and guess what? They got what they believed. Numbers 14: 28 Say to them, "As I live" says the Lord, " just as you have spoken in My hearing, so I will surely do to you. Your corpses shall fall in this wilderness..."He had had enough of their unbelief after He had proved Himself time and time again. And anytime we are believing God for something there is going to be warfare- count on it! The circumstance will always look contrary, there will always be giants and we are going to hear things like - you won't make it, you're going to die, lose your house, never be ahead, never have peace, God's not going to do it for you, that promise isn't for today, look at so and so...the list goes on. LOOK AT JESUS! When the storm is raging, look at Him- not anyone one or anything else. Im looking at Him and believe me I fail! Im coming off of an epic fail. ( to use another of my 10 yo's words) And there is grace and mercy and foregivness in abundance- thank God. But by that same token, He expects us to believe Him! What finally stirred me back to faith was listening to a teaching on David and goliath. I never realized that for forty days Goliath came and literally terrified the israelites. What was the fear- death and slavery. And every day they would would put on their armor like they were going to fight but they never fought. They just sat there. For 40 days they got suited up to walk around camp. Finally David comes and you know the story but what I love is how David doesn't care what the outside voices are saying ( and they were speaking, read the story) and says to goliath- You come to me with a sword, a spear and a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Hosts, the God of the armies of israel, whom you have taunted. This day the Lord will deliver you up into my hands and I will strike you down... I just saw myself there, girded up, but just sitting down terrified, not fighting. We have to believe what God says and fight. Put yourself there. Goliath is a type of the devil, taunting us and God, making us afraid, trying to kill and enslave us. Now I say- you come to me with sickness and fear but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Hosts, my God and my Father and He will deliver you into my hands for it is written.... and you fight. Jesus did it. I want to be of that spirit-like David- that he saw the same circumstance, the same giant as everyone else did, yet he believed God and hasted in faith toward the enemy with a stone and defeated him. And you know what? Jesus has disarmed and defeated our enemy! ( col 2: 14-15) He made an open show of him so we know how he works, and paul said we can be aware of his schemes. And we have our weapons eph 6. but it's not enough to just put on our armor. We must put it on and fight.

2011-01-20T18:46:00.000-08:00

I had a sweet lady over the other night. I met her through facebook- really the Lord Im sure brought us together. Her husband had a heart attack and has been gone now for two years. She has two boys 3 and 5. While she was sharing what happened she said something to me that has stuck with me; "7 minutes"... Seven minutes is the time from him being fine to him being gone. Seven minutes! No good bye- nothing. Such a small increment of time that has now changed her life and her boys forever. She has had to press through far more than me. We cried together and I am so blessed and encouraged by her strength. It's amazing how having something like this can bring two strangers together and give us an automatic love for each other.

I have been reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Francis Chan was the senior pastor of corner stone church in simi valley, ca. After much prayer Chan decided to quit his job as pastor ( which he never got paid for) sold his house and left the country with his wife and 3 girls. They now are traveling through Asia and India. He said he couldn't take it anymore when he started hearing his name more that God's or the Holy Spirit. People were trying to turn him into a super hero and he didn't want it- good for him! The book causes you to really look at your life with Christ. He said one particular thing that Iv been chewing on since the first chapter. It is this- " Most of us know .... that we are suppose to worship Him (God) with our lives. I know I knew that before on some level but it really hit me when I read it. Now whenever Im doing something I think - how am I worshipping You right now. It's really easy for me to worship God with hands raised in church. It's easy for me to worship Him by serving a neighbor or giving to someone. But how about when Im doing the dishes, cleaning up a huge spill on the just cleaned floor, or asking one of my boys for the 5 millionth time to pick up his shoes? Or how about today when I was walking through walmart with all the boys and Simeon was throwing a fit like- none -other because he wanted candy. He screamed through the whole entire store- no lie! And im thinking how is my life right now an act of worship to You? It really wasn't because once we got to the car I had a mom meltdown. But you know what? Even mom losing it- if done right- can be a beautiful picture of apology, grace and forgiveness.

Tomorrow is Ben's birthday. He will be 6. I remember so clearly the morning he was born.We had all of our babies at home. I did the work, George did the catching. My labor with Ben was a pain free 7 hours unlike my other 3 that were 12. I rocked in my birthing chair all night just singing praise songs and talking to my Father. At about 4 am I woke George and told he better get ready cause I was pretty sure the baby would be here soon. Ben was born at 5 am. He was quite a surprise considering they told us he was going to be a girl! Regardless, we were so happy and Im blessed to be his mom. He, out of all the boys, reminds me most of George. Everything about him; his smile, his toes, even his crooked little pinky fingers. I love how he says I amn't instead of I'm not. Makes me smile, and cry too. Have I said yet to love your husbands? Look past the things that bug you. Don't let bitterness or anger grow. Smile at them. Find reasons to delight in them- and your children too. Guard your treasure. Choose joy. Remember - 7 minutes!

2011-01-02T20:40:00.000-08:00

Tonight i am just sad. I haven't really felt this sad in a while. I feel like Iv had a bunch of little things happen that have now just seemed to get to me. Things like: on Christmas eve one of the teenagers was playing guitar in my garage it took my breath away because i hadn't heard music come from there since the last time george was out there playing. The other day at the park one of the dads showed up and his son saw him across the grass and yelled daddy and ran to him, tonight we watched a nanny mcphee and first they get a note saying their dad died then it turned out to be a fake and ofcourse the movie ends with all the children running to their dad. I asked the boys if these kinds of shows make them think of their dad and they said yes and that it makes them sad. I wonder how often they have these moments where the realization hits them that they're missing something- someone. Im sure it happens alot and it breaks my heart. So today I just feel scrambled. I have been thinking about switching to a charter school ( don't hate me girls) so today i spent too many hours looking into them and searching out homeschool classes. I love having my kids home but sometimes teaching them is overwhelming, I feel inadequate to do everything on my own and i believe they could learn better in a classroom type setting but seriously 3 classes would cost over 1000! That's rediculous! So Im praying about things and waiting for God to lead.

I remember about 2 weeks after george went to heaven someone told me that people would move on and forget about us. I remember crying to God about it and He so clearly said to me: "I will not forget you." I have to say He has not. I have never felt for a second that He isn't right here with us- even when Im angry at Him. I am blessed beyond measure with some amazing sisters, family, and even people I have never met who hold us up and storm heaven in prayer on our behalf and i love you all for it! If your my facebook friend you have already seen this but I love it and it has been like water to my soul so ofcourse im going to share it again :)

God is our refuge and strength." Not our armies, or our fortresses. Israel's boast is in Jehovah, the only living and true God. Others vaunt their impregnable castles, placed on inaccessible rocks and secured with gates of iron, but God is a far better refuge from distress than all these: and when the time comes to carry the war into the enemy's territories, the Lord stands his people in better stead than all the valour of legions or the boasted strength of chariot and horse. Soldiers of the cross, remember this, and count yourselves safe, and make yourselves strong in God. Forget not the personal possessive word "our;" makes sure each one of your portions in God, that you may say, "He is my refuge and strength." Neither forget the fact that God is our refuge just now, in the immediate present, as truly as when David penned the word. God alone is our all in all. All other refuges are refuges of lies, all other strength is weakness, for power belongeth unto God: but as God is all-sufficient, our defence and might are equal to all emergencies. "A very present help in trouble," or in distresses he has so been found, he has been tried and proved by his people. He never withdraws himself from his afflicted. He is their help, truly, effectually, constantly; he is present or near them, close at their side and ready for their succour, and this is emphasised by the word "very" in our version, he is more present than friend or relative can be, yea, more nearly present than even the trouble itself

I love the last verse how it says He is more nearly present than even the trouble itself. When I read that I could just see Him quickly coming in between us and whatever our circumstance or trouble is. Still can see it now and that's what I hold onto- Him- our ever present help, the one who understands because He walked the road before me and now walks it with me, the one who has kind intentions toward me, the one who wouldn't give me a snake if I asked for a fish, the One who keeps His promises and cannot lie, the one who loved me more than His place of glory in heaven, the One who is able and says He can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever imagine, the one who says do not worry, let not your heart be troubled, I have loved you with an everlasting love and drawn you with loving kindness, the One who holds everything we see together and that is not moved by our circumstance but reaches down to deliver us from them, the One who holds us in His hands and says nothing can take us out! To Him be the glory forever and ever! I feel much better now! It's amazing what a change of your focus will make.

I can't sleep tonight

2010-12-16T22:20:00.000-08:00

So much has been going on.... When my husband went home to heaven our house was a mess. We had no walls, plywood on some walls, no working heat, things were not good. About 2 months ago some amazing people in my homeschool group got together and created a beautiful home for us. ( I will post before and after pics on facebook soon) We were staying with my mom while the work was being done and a few days before we moved back in someone robbed us. I pulled up to the house and one of the garage doors was open and 2 of the gates. I told the boys to stay in the car while I checked things out. I didn't notice anything right away ( because they took stuff from the other side of the garage) but the boys noticed their playstation 2 was gone. Then I noticed there were some tools missing. The amazing thing is that about a week before I had a friend over and told her I wanted to take inventory of what was in there because i may try to sell some tools I won't ever use. So I had a list of what everything was, pictures, and serial numbers. Had I not had that I would have had no idea what was stolen. God is so amazing! He even starts working things out for us even before they happen! I have to admit though, I wasn't upset about the stuff. ( Well, I was upset about the boys playstation cause it's just wrong for your kids to have their stuff stolen) But I was upset that I was alone and fear tried to set in. And believe me, I know God is with me but I miss the presence of my husband. I was never afraid at night. If I heard a noise or the sensor light went on Id either curl up closer to him or if I really thought it was something Id wake him and he'd check it out. Now every sound seems to me magnified and every time that sensor light goes on it freaks me out, my adrenaline starts going and i watch to see if there's a shadow or something. So I stay up "on watch" until I just can't stay awake any longer and then I say to the Lord "ok, You'll have to take over now because I can't stay awake any longer." And then I lay there....

I miss my husband. Sometimes life is just going by and we're happy and I feel "over" the grief. It's hard to explain, but I feel "ok" without him but then something happens tha stirs things up again. The other day one of his friends texted me on accident :) After he realized who I was he told me that he was putting a scrapbook together for me and the boys about every conversation he had with my husband about how much he loved me and the boys. Just seeing the words- how much George loved you and the boys. For awhile i really missed hearing him say he loves me or getting a text but - im not sure the right words- i guess I had stopped thinking about it until his friend sent me that message. Now I really miss it! So much so that Im keeping the text from his friend and I've read it quite a few times. Yep, I miss him and so do my boys. So I'm hanging onto Jesus. He is my Rock, my Refuge, my Hiding Place, my Defender, my Life. I love the scripture in Isaiah 49: 15-16 that says- Can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even though these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands... The hebrew picture for that last verse means you're holding something so tight in your hand that it actually carves the imprint of that object into your hands. I just love that picture. And I believe He is holding onto us just like that. Going to try to go to bed now. Curl up extra close to your guys tonight and be thankful they're there.

2010-11-11T22:16:00.000-08:00

Well, we just passed the one year mark. While I love and miss my husband, Im thankful this year is behind us and Im so glad that we have a God who is our Healer. Most people probably think the night my husband passed was the hardest day for me, but it wasn't. The hardest day was actually the next morning when I had to -gut wrenchingly- tell each one of my sons that their dad was gone. What it must have been like for them, that he was just physically gone from them... I really don't want to go there. The hardest part of this is feeling sad for their loss BUT GOD ( my two favorite words ), say's He is a Father to the Fatherless and Im holding on to that. The first year pretty much sucks- just sayin it like it is! The pain and sorrow roll over you like waves with no warning. You feel so desperate, praying you'll be able to make it through the moment. It reminds me of getting knocked over by a big wave in the ocean and your so scared and desperate to get to get your head above water and right when you do another wave knocks you down again. We were singing this song at cottonwood on sunday and we kept singing -Hosanna in the highest, let our King be lifted up, Hosanna. I never really knew what Hosanna meant. I thought it meant we were praising Him and they added- in the highest to make it even greater but I was wrong. I came home and looked it up and I love the picture this one person shared. Originally Hosanna meant " save us, bring salvation to us " sort of like if you were drowning you would call out for help, for someone to save you. But over time the meaning has changed and instead of the picture of drowning and calling out for someone to save you it has become what you would say if you were drowning and saw the person coming in to rescue you- hallelujah, He's here, we're saved! I loved that picture because I feel like it mirrors my life this last year. Just when I thought it would over take me, He would be right there. He is faithful and there is none like Him. So yes- Hosanna in the Highest to Him! He alone is worthy!
I have to say one more thought because part of my life's message now is to encourage you to love your husband. I was reading through some letters my husband had written me and I noticed in more than one that he said- I was the best part of this. He meant I was the best thing in his life here in this foreign territory. It brought to my mind the proverb that says -He who Finds a Wife Finds a Treasure And Receives Favor from the Lord. Don't you love that? We have the ability to be a treasure to our husbands. Unfortunately not all of us are. And ofcourse we aren't going to be all of the time but it's something to aim for. And again, like the pr 31 scripture I find it interesting that our husbands prosperity and favor is linked to us loving them and being their helpmates. I just love that when we are doing what God calls and equips us to do He see's us as treasures. So, does your husband have a treasure in you? :)

2010-10-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

It's been quite a while since ive written. Actually Ive written but not finished anything to be able to post it. its amazing how fast the time goes by. It's coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband going home to heaven and all I can say is God, our Father, is faithful. I remember sitting at cottonwood 2 days after george passed and the man preaching got down on his hands and knees and was crawling across the floor saying -if this is you right now, even though other people may be smiling walking happily around you, you just keep going. Just keep looking at Jesus and before you know it you'll find yourself over here and you'll wonder how you got there and it will have been the Lord who carried you. He was absolutely right. It hasnt been easy, and even as Im writing tonight im hurting. It's a feeling that's hard to really explain. It's like being wounded but entails so many other feelings as well. It pretty much sucks! I miss him! I feel lost sometimes without him. To just be able to sit and talk with him... Ben has been coming up to me lately 5 or 6 times a day and hugs me and tells me that he misses his dad and wishes he was here. Sigh.... That's really the hardest part. It's just absolutely wrong for a child to be missing their mom or dad. I have learned though, that to make it through my darkest moments I must keep my eyes on Jesus. That is the answer, He is the answer. While there is nothing wrong with lettin it out to my friends, He alone is my Healer, and the One who is going to bring us through this. That's also true for whatever circumstance we ever face. Our answer is in Christ, not your pastor, husband, or friends. It's ok to seek their counsel but we must seek Him more. I was running the other night and even though I was running, I was going slow and being sorta lazy about it. And God spoke to me about how I was running! It amazes me the moments He sometimes choses to step in and show me something spiritual. He told me not to run like that, BUT to run with a purpose. Ive been thinking alot about that now, looking at some of the areas in my life that i may be running weakly or not even running at all. 1 corinthians 9:24 says Do you not know that all those who run in a race all run, but only one recieves the prize? Run in such a way that you may win!...Therefore I run in such a way as not without aim.. and paul says in Hebrews 12:1 let us also lay aside every encumberance- the things that weigh us down- and the sin that so easily entangles us and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us... This was an important message to the early believers at that time (and still is to us now) because they had began well ( believing in Christ ) but were throwing away their confidence in God and falling behind and were endanger of even quitting (Heb ch 10-12). All of these references to a christians life as a conflict, wrestling match, striving, labor, and in this case running a race show us we're going to have to hang tough and fight through some challenges in this life. The really good news is, this world is not our home! But while we are here God says Heb 12:2 that if we fix our eyes on Jesus...consider Him... what He endured, the promise is we wont grow weary and lose heart. That's how we make it through whatever we face- look at Jesus.

2010-09-29T20:57:00.001-07:00

today was one of may hardest days of last year. it was the day that someone very close to me told me the Lord said that my husband wasn't going to make it. I knew she knew something and hadn't been telling me and i finally got it out of her. The Lord had told her 7 months before he ever had any symptom. That night I dreamed George died in my arms- just like he did- and I woke up sobbing and the worst part was I couldn't chalk it up to a bad dream. It was just as bad as when he actually did die, it was horrible. It's strange that a year has almost past. What's even stranger is that I feel so blessed and thankful for my life. Yes. I am still sad and do cry alot but gratitude just seems to be my anthem right now. Im not even kidding when I say that everyday I wake up in bed with my boys I thank God for our home and making the way for us to stay in it. Im thankful for amazing family and friends, for God's grace and strength to have brought us this far. Im thankful I haven't had to work and I can be here for my boys when they have questions or just want to sit in my lap and tell me they miss their dad. Simeon asked to look at pictures of "his daddy" yesterday. There was one of George in the hospital and I asked Sim if he remembered him and he said yes and then he told me about the one time he went to the hospital to see George and how he had french fries, chicken nuggets and played with the buttons on the bed. That amazed me that he remembered that from almost a year ago. I pray he remembers him. I see more changes happening with the boys now, pray for them and for me that God would give me wisdom on how to help them. Ben likes to draw pictures of him, I should put some here. Tonight he hugged me and said" wouldn't it be great mom if dad didn't die and he could be with us!"Isaiah has the code word "zingo" to let me know he's missing his dad and Isaac was crying tonight but said it was on accident :) We definately have our rough times but thank God for His faithfulness! Im sorry I haven't written more here. I have lots of partial posts but time just seems to fly by. Plus time is precious to me and while I still lose it and my boys drive me crazy I want our life to be "together" if that makes sense. I want to be involved in their world and I want them to be part of mine and if that means I can't write as much- im sorry. One last thing I wanted t share. I remember when he was on morphine and his liver was failing and he would mostly sleep. I would have to wake him to get him to take some medications, it was quite a task to get him awake and keep him awake just to take 4 pills. But when he would awake, he would look into my eyes and smile at me in delight. It makes me smile just thinking about it right now. I actually have it on video when he was singing to me one time and he got distracted and then just stared at me for a few seconds to focus again and gave me that look that he delighted in me. It's really sweet and something i treasure. I miss him!

2010-09-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

I just finished enjoying a warm piece of chocolate cake with vanilla bean ice cream and a small glass of milk. It would've only been better had my husband been here to share it with me. How many times have I said now how strange grief is. I can only describe it as a loooooong roller coaster ride. While life is speeding by we're going up and down, sometimes whoo hooing and sometimes holding on tight and screaming. There are dark moments, times when I feel alone and afraid because I don't know what's ahead for us. Then there are those beautiful moments when my Savior does something that touches my heart and reassures me that He knows right where we're at, He see's us, He hears every word I say to Him and He's taking care of us whether i can see it or not. Hmm bet that sounds like most lives hah?

My sister said to me the other day something to the effect of how awesome it is that george's in heaven walking with Jesus, he's where we long to be and just awesome that is. And you know I was a little ticked off at that. I can honestly say there has been only one time that i have actually been happy for him that he's free of this world. But when your the one living in and trying deal with the aftermath of death it sucks and frankly i get mad at him for leaving me to carry this. When you see the effects starting to show on your kids, when youre with other families and your child withdraws sadly because they see their friends with their dad, when something so minor causes them to just curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably- there's no words for it. It's just wrong and it compounds my sorrow. The other thing is making the choice to move forward. I think we can physically move forward but not allow our heart to and then your new life doesn't really start because youre heart is still holding on to something that's gone. I feel like im coming to that decision or maybe im realizing that although I thought I was starting this new life Im really not. I don't want it and yet part of me does want it. I miss my husband, i miss him painfully for the boys and as if life wasn't hard enough now they have no dad! But you know what, enough of this! Because the truth is God is greater than all of this. Yes I hurt, yes im so tired of crying, yes im scared, and yes I don't want to let go because i feel like im letting go of him and that's ok because my Father will help me. Yes my son's don't have an earthly dad but they have a Father in heaven who loves them far more than me who will love them, walk by their side and show them His goodness. One who also says they shall all be taught of Him and that their well being will be great. And you know, honestly most days when i wake up, my bed having been overtaken by all 4 of my boys during the night, and we're cuddling and talking in the morning drinking coffee and having hot chocolate I feel so incredibly blessed. I am so thankful to be able to still be home with them and that i havent had to get a job. Im thankful I can still homeschool and be part of the greatest group of women i've ever met. I am thankful beyond words that He made the way for us to keep our home for now and Im sure when the time comes He'll make the way for us again. I've been blessed to meet some other beautiful women who are sadly just starting the journey of being a widow but I get to love and encourage them and in return Im reminded constantly of all the way He has brought me. So Im not going to dwell on what we don't have and Im not going to worry about letting go and moving on. Im going to rest in my Dad knowing that He's faithful and able to handle come what may. This morning I opened my bible to psalm 109:21-22. It was circled and dated 11-12-2009 which was 6 days after george went to heaven. It reads- But You, O God, the Lord, deal kindly with me for Thy names sake; because Your loving kindness is good, deliver me; for I am afflicted and needy and my heart is wounded within me. Today I added vs 30 with my mouth I will give thanks abundantly to the Lord and in the midst of many I will praise Him for He stands at the right hand of the needy... and He does!

2010-09-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

It seems to be getting harder to get here to post! While im sorry for that for those of you who come here, ive been realizing how much time i can spend here or face book that really takes away from my boys. So ive been spending way less time on things non eternal and trying to direct my time towards things that are going to matter for eternity and not just burn when they are put through Gods fire. 1 Cor 3:13-15. I was talking with my sister tonight about just that, about giving an account for what we did with our time, our life. And I said that God's going to want to know what we did with our families- our children. Contrary to what most congregations will say while they are trying to get you to serve in a multitude of their "ministries", our first ministry is our husbands and then our children and we should never be so busy serving in a building or even our community that our own family suffers or is lacking our quality time. Nomatter how good it looks, God's going to have some words with us if we put serving outside our family above serving our family. Our home is our number 1 mission field, it should be our top priority and is our training ground. That's where we learn to deny ourself and pick up our cross and follow Christ. Yes visiting the sick and bringing a meal to someone feels way better than the daily grind of our family life but lets be honest, is that really denying yourself and carrying our cross??? I don't think so. Some of you may know this story but some time ago while I was changing a really bad poopy diaper, having a complaining attitude, I was talking to the Lord and asking Him how He was going to use me where would I be serving... Im thinking leading people to Him, laying hands on the sick etc.. He said to me- what if this is what i want you to do? Meaning change the poopy diaper and raise up these kids. You know my answer was- Im not really gonna like that! Just being honest. It's not easy to stay at home loving your husband and raising your children, not to mention the world sees no value in it and it certainly doesnt feel as good as those other things BUT God says to do it. So that's what iv been working on and not just doing it but doing it with joy. Having joy is a choice and im trying to delight in my crazy boys and sincerely listen to them (they can tell when your acting), rub their backs, kiss their heads and be together in life with them, see them as a blessing like God says and not an imposition on my life. And I make it a point throughout the day to tell them i love them and build them up with some encouraging words. Thats not always easy especially when theyre acting up and driving me crazy but you know, someday i will be gone and all theyll have left is memories of how i was with them, how i treated them, did i have time for them or was i always putting them off. And you know, theyre going to treat their children like we have treated them which also puts a different perspective on things. But I want to make sweet simple memories with them of cuddling in the bed telling stories, playing board games- even video games, making brownies with me on the counter. I want them to know to the core of their soul that i love them. The things we do now- all those little things- matter. Ive noticed with 2 of my boys lately that they will have moments of almost frantically needing to do a specific thing that they use to do with their dad because it makes them feel connected to him. For Ben it was that he needed to see pictures of him with his dad. For Isaiah it's been needing to see a certain video that they use to watch together in George's truck when he would take them places. Little every day things that you don't even realize, mean so much. Chose joy, delight in their little faces, delight in your husbands face as well, make sweet memories, love love love them! PS. I miss him!!!

What are you sowing

2010-08-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

Ive been spending a lot of time with the Lord lately, talking to Him about some things and pretty much saturating myself with His word. I have decided to sell my car because I can't really afford the gas for it. I have a certain amount in my budget and my car costs double that and I just dont have it. So i have had 2 used car options to chose from to replace my car and I have to say that tis has been one of the hardest decisions Ive had to make. It may seem dumb to some but I have spent endless hours researching, praying, stressing, losing sleep, even crying over this. I have discussed the situation with pretty much everyone i know, but it's not the same as it would be to discuss it with my husband. There are sooo many things we take for granted. I know there are women, and i am one of them too, who believe we could do things better then our husbands, make better decisions then them, run things better etc.. it's a deception and a total undermining of your marriage. Unfortunately you'll never really see it unless you either lose your husband or you go before our Father and ask Him if it's true for you. There's a verse in proverbs 31 that says " the heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain." Man, that's some meat right there. Think about it, can the heart of your husband trust you? His heart? Trust that you'll respect him and wont put him down disguised in a joke? Trust that you'll stand by his side when things get tough and not turn on him and pick on him or blame him like he doesn't do enough? Would you have the courage to ask him? I remember when i asked George, I cried because in my heart i think i knew the answer. And notice that the husbands gain is directly related to him being able to trust his wife. It's very interesting to me. And I know the men have a huge responsibility as well but us doing our job is not contingent on them doing theirs. Honor God, and He will honor you. We have influence, you know it's true because sadly we've all probably used our powers for evil :) (That was a joke- sorta) But what if we determined to use our influence to build up and encourage, to not see them as the enemy but to chose to love- love like we want to be loved? And you know, I know it's really easy for me to sit here and say all this because I don't have to do right now but ... when they're gone your whole life as you knew it ends, there's a huge empty place inside you, my spiritual covering of my husband is gone and I can actually feel that. And even if your marriage is really tough and you think you'd be better off without them- you wouldn't. You would feel those things too and you wouldn't care about any of it if you could just have them back. To just hold his face, kiss him and lay my head on his chest with his strong arms around me... Please, take my word for it. God can do anything and He is all about restoration. And if He says to do it, He'll help us and even bless us for our faith in Him.

Well, i have to say this was not at all what I intended to write about tonight but thats what came out. I was listening to cottonwood online tonight and Bayless said- there is more power in the word of God than we realize. And it's true. But once you receive His word you have to get it into your heart and hold tight to it and guard it because the scripture says that immediately the devil comes to steal that word from you. And he steals it by lying to you, whispering to you that it's not working just look at your circumstance. But the one who holds fast to His word is the one who reaps it's power with the good harvest. The others will reap a harvest too; they reap worry, fear, sickness, bitterness. Whatever seeds we sow into our lives, marriages, children- that is what we will reap. So what are you sowing?

God IS faithful

2010-08-06T22:11:00.000-07:00

It's been 9 months today. All I can say is we have an amazing Father who loves us beyond measure and He IS faithful. Most nights when I sit here I shake my head in disbelief that my husband is gone. Tonight though, I shake my head in a sort of surreal amazement at what God has done for us and how far He's brought me. I remember every detail of 9 months ago at this exact moment. I remember who was here. I remember him wrestling with God. I remember him squeezing my arm about 40 minutes from this time as his spirit left his body. I remember watching his body takes it's last breath but he was already long gone. I remember kissing the top of his sweet bald head for the very last time-ever! But God, our Father moved right in to Georges place and there have been many days that I knew He was right beside me literally holding me up and walking me through. And here I sit, still sad and hurting, but ok and sometimes even good. I drove past he hospital where he was last week without even realizing that i had passed it. Usually I would almost get sick just knowing i had to go that direction. God has done amazing things for me... from the start He answered my prayer to meet someone at church 2 days after he passed who has been where I am that could tell me I was going to be ok. Not only that, but He also brought into my life some other amazing ladies who are widows or former widows who are just pillars of hope and strength for me. I have never felt more loved in my whole entire life. Sometimes I just want to burst, im just overwhelmed with His love and the love of His people. He has delivered me from all my credit card debt so we are completely debt free aside from the house. The bank approved our loan modification after saying they canceled it, which is another miracle. He's helped sell things and not just sell them but He provided really good people to buy them which matters to me and then the topper was the people would offer me more than what i had asked for. Ive had total strangers twice offer to let us live with them if ever we need to. The family actually just sent me a letter again a few weeks ago letting me know again that their home is always available to us. He's brought numerous people into my life to share with, help, hug and encourage. People have written me notes saying that they heard about our story and it's moved them to love their husbands and children more. He has spoken to me. He's held me tight through some of the worst sorrow and pain ive ever felt in my life. And just when I thought it would take me over, He would lift me out and comfort me. He's made me laugh, given me joy. He's telling the truth when He says in His word that sorrow may last for the night but joy comes in the morning. Some nights i would be so exhausted from being so sad that i would just go to bed holding onto that word. I just stand in awe of Him. Who Is like the Lord our God? Who? There's none. I'll praise Him forever for what He has done!

2010-07-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

Im a mess tonight. Im just getting blindsided by all this sorrow. I hate to even write about it here because it's just the same thing over and over again. I just sit here in disbelief that he's gone. I just can't wrap my heart around that. Im so stinkin sad. I feel like a huge hypocrite. At home the kids see me, im a crying yelling mess but out of the house I have the game face on. Ive been watching this video I have of him. It was 4 days before he died and I just wanted to video tape him saying he loves me. He did a little video for each of the boys and I wanted one for me. He ofcourse had to be silly and sing it and right when he started Simeon grabbed his feet and hurt him and he started yelling. His toes were all turning black from... I don't even know what. Isaac made a funny comment- "that was a funny song Dad" which kinda made him smile. He did end up singing it. I just wanted him to say he loves me...how we take hearing those words for granted. I don't know.... I just sit here shaking my head, how can this be? I miss him. I want to be over all this. Im exhausted from being so emotional. Ugh!

2010-07-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

This last week or so I feel like ive entered a new area of grief. Im not sure if grieving is the same for everyone or how the whole grief process works but I know the One who heals the broken hearted and man, am I counting on Him. Lately though I feel... abandoned, I feel like he left me. I know in my mind that's not true but that is how I feel and im mad at him. Im mad because he's in glory and im here bearing a burden I can't humanly carry. Im mad because I need him! I need him to bounce my thoughts off of, to help me make decisions that he would have been the one making. I need him for the great big things and dumb little fix it things. Tonight I heard something in the backyard ( which i believe was the pitbull living behind me ) so i loaded my gun and went out to investigate it. And iv had to do that a few times before. Don't get me wrong im not a whinny wimpy girl, I know i can do all this, but theres a magnitude of this that really only me and God get- unless you too have lost your husband. Every decision, I have to make. The financial burden is on me. Im the protector of the family now ( I know God keeps us ), Im the one the boys come to now if something is broken and needs to be fixed and I don't know how to fix it but George would have. Im the one living totally by faith without someone that when things get tough and I dont have him to lean on or to pray for me or just be the calm in my storm. Today,without any warning, I became so overwhelmed with sorrow and anger that i took my pillow and went into the back of the garage and i screamed and cried for like an hour. I also took the door knob so the boys couldnt follow me out. And I could hear the boys fighting and acting up but I just couldnt deal with them in the condition I was in. After I got it out, I was fine. And Im not having a pity party i just want people to know this is how it is. You feel a little crazy sometimes :) Emotions changing drastically without warning and for no apparent reason. But God is so amazing. I don't know how anyone could do this without Him. He is my Rock, my Refuge. Though my life is rocking from this storm right now, I know i wont be moved because He is the Anchor of my soul. And I praise Him for His faithfulness.

2010-07-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

Today is my oldest son, Isaac's 10th birthday. Its hard to believe how fast life just zooms by you. I gave birth to him at home and George's arms were the first to hold him. I remember every detail of it like it was yesterday. I also remember his birthday last year. He got a bunch of squirt guns for gifts. I remember the boys laying in wait in the kitchen when they heard his truck coming and then as he was walking up to the house they ambushed him. He and Isaac made a skateboard together that night. That skateboard has since been stolen, Isaac misses it. It's nice to look back on that memory with happiness. Although now that Im writing about it it is stirring up some sorrow. I miss him. I miss his strength, his smile. I miss the boys not having him. I was reading this morning in the book of Hosea. I just love that book. Maybe because I can relate to Gomer. I fully remember being enslaved to things before coming to Christ. But then to know Him and to have Him speak His beautiful words upon my heart and redeem me from that life I lived...there really are no words...I love Him for it. So Hosea is one of the most beautiful scriptures to me. Israel is going down and this is Gods last gracious attempt to restore them to Himself and I love that He uses a marriage /love relationship to demonstrate the picture because we all would understand that. God tells Hosea to marry a harlot named Gomer. Gomer, like Israel and us, seeks other lovers and deserts Hosea. In spite of the depth to which her sin carries her, Hosea redeems her from the slave market and restores her. Ch 2 God says "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, Bring her into the wilderness And speak upon her heart. Then I will give her her vineyards from there, And the valley of Achor (trouble) as a door of hope And she will sing there as in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. It will come about in that day," declares the LORD, That you will call Me Ishi ( Husband) And will no longer call Me Baali. (master) For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, So that they will be mentioned by their names no more...I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD.( Another translation says; And then I'll marry you for good—forever! I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness. Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. You'll know me, God, for who I really am.) ...I will sow her for Myself in the land I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion, And I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people! And they will say, You are my God!

Isnt that beautiful? Those were Gods last attempt words to bring Israel back to Himself. I just find Him amazing, the lengths that He goes to to show us His love for us. Think about it.

found this letter from my husband today. Thought Id share part of him with you.

2010-07-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

2010-07-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

Iv'e been reliving for about a week now where we were last year at this time. The 4th of July is sort of a marker for when things started happening. George had just begun having stomach trouble but there was no pain or anything so he didn't think anything of it. It certainly never- ever- entered my mind that 4 months, 2 days, and a few hours down the road id being holding him while he died. I mentioned before how i feel so sensitive to the comments i hear wives make to or about their husbands now. I was sitting with some friends the other day and they were taIking about their husbands short comings, their lack of spiritual leadership, their lack of wanting to be doing things all the time, how they wished they were like this other man and one even said she had wished she would have married " a ( spiritual) man like that." I see it in most marriages- i did it too. I was unhappy with George a lot. Sometimes i look back and wonder if i was ever happy with him. I was angry or unhappy with something way more than I even want to admit to you. And honestly, it wasns't because he had done anything wrong. I think I was maybe just discontent and instead of finding my peace and fulfillment in the Lord he became an easy target for me to focus on as the problem for why I was unhappy. My answer to my friends was that i think we'd still be unhappy with them even if they were spiritual leaders because they probably wouldn't do it like we think they should. I feel like- sadly- that George and many other husbands feel like nothing they ever do is good enough. The subtle little comments are just little put downs disguised in some laughter. It's sad and what i really wanted to say to my friends and to anyone who reads this- just love them! Be thankful that you have them. You can't really realize how they are a covering for you until their gone- but they are. George may not have read the bible like I thought he should but he'd give his shirt of his back to someone and he would have laid down his life for me and the boys. Find your joy and contentment in our Father because you won't find it in your husband. Instead of pointing out their problems, LOVE THEM LIKE THEY ARE ALL YOU DESIRE THEM TO BE and maybe they'll rise up to that instead of shrinking down under the criticism. Marriage is suppose to be a picture of the great mystery of Christ and His Bride- us, the church. It's suppose to be a picture of unconditional, sacrificial love and forgiveness not based on the performance of the other. And ofcourse we all mess up. But the only way you can love like that is if you're finding the source of all your needs in God.
So like i said, the 4th of July is a marker for me and sadly we spent the day fighting. Actually I was fighting with him. (George rarely fought with me.) He didn't do anything wrong. I was struggling with something and instead of going to the Lord for my help, I made the problem about him and it wasn't. Im even sadder to admit I kept on about that stupid thing for days after. What a waste of time! Now don't get me wrong, Im not beating myself up. I have no regrets. In those last weeks believe me, i loved him. And what kind of spiritual leader he was at that point did not matter. But you may not get the opportunity I did. We need to humble ourselves more, they will respond to that. Get down on your knees and wash their feet and see the response you get. Have more sex with them- yes, I said it! Philipians 2 says Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. That's our example of how to love. That's what we should strive for.

2010-06-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say today was a much much better day! Im trying to change my perspective a little bit and consider the place where my boys are at. It's easy for me to forget that they have feelings about what's going too. Just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean they're not there. And if they're feeling like i feel a lot of the time no wonder their aggression has escalated and they're easy provoked. So my prayer is that God keeps me mindful and sensitive to them and their needs. So please keep praying for us! And i made it threw the whole day without yelling once! I know for some of you moms that doesn't seem like much but for me at this time of our life it's huge. Praise God!

2010-06-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

It's NOT a good day today! It should be, but it isn't. I just got through smashing one of my boys toys on the floor over and over and over again. So now he's laying in his bed crying but you know im tired of them fighting over some stupid broken 7.00 toy that they only care about because their brother has it. I don't think i had 2 minutes today that they weren't fighting. I wake up to them bickering. If one doesn't move fast enough out of the way of the other all hell just breaks loose. Then it's something aaaalllllll day long! So i've just come to the place where they each have to sit separate from each other and they can't even speak. I can't live like this- it breaks me. And they aren't allowed to see their friends until they get along. I don't care if they like each other but the fighting will stop. Pray for me, im not being a very good mom and i have no idea what the heck im even doing.
So citibank approved our loan modification. I know that's a miracle and believe me i once again stand in awe of the faithfulness of our God. But what should have been a time of joy was more a time of grieving. Iv been crying all day. It's just one MORE thing that he's removed from and I really can't explain it or why i feel it but it's one of those deep in the gut sorrows. And it sucks. And once again there's not a thing i can do about it and that pisses me off too. You have to just keep walking your way through. I have a picture of him that i took the day before he died and i was looking at it today thinking it couldn't possibly have been him. I still just can't believe it. I know I've said that 1000 times but i still just can't wrap my heart around it. I was thinking today about a night when he was first in the hospital and he was having something done to see the tumor and i was by his bed crying and I told him i was afraid and he took my hand and said " it's ok, lean on my strength." I miss him. I feel alone. I know Im not, but in a way I am. The sorrow is a little unbearable tonight. I know God will see me through but please pray for me.
Ps 69 Save me O God, I have come into deep waters and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying...answer me with Your saving truth...Answer me O Lord, for Your lovingkindness is good, according to the greatness of Your compassion turn to me...for I am in distress, answer me quickly...oh Lord, draw near to my soul...

2010-06-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

Grief is a strange thing. I get taken by surprise by some of the things that remind me of certain times. Isaiah my 7 yo told me the other night that he doesn't like going to a certain place that we go to every week because as soon as he walks in their backyard he thinks of his dad and get's sad. But when we go home he forgets and isn't sad anymore. The strange thing is that george never went to this place with us. And I found that really interesting that it made him think of him when we go there. Today i cleaned my house- the whole thing and even got my laundry put away! It was a small miracle, believe me! I used a special cleaner on the tile on my kitchen floor and some time later i walked on it and somehow just the feel of it under my feet brought me back to the day George put the tile in and I was just immediately brought back to that memory of him just from walking on my tile- which i've done countless times but something was different about it today. It's weird. But you know, that's how this goes. There's no rhyme or reason to it, just a trust that God is leading us all through. I decided not to go to cottonwood this weekend. Im not sure if they will be doing a message about dad's but Id rather not take the chance. Plus i didnt want the boys to feel uncomfortable in their classes if they were having the kids draw pictures for their dads. So I think tomorrow we will see what's playing at the dollar movie theatre and eat a bunch of junk food. Im praying the day passes sorta quickly for us and that whatever we decide to do we will be able to remember George with joy. I have to say as I was typing right now that Ben my 5yo came out of his bed and started to go into the kitchen to pee. That's not the first time he's done that and fortunately I've caught him and was able to redirect him in time. I should be hearing about if we'll be able to keep the house or not within this next week so please pray for us. Ill let you know what happens. And as of a few days ago i became totally credit card debt free. God is so faithful! And i have to just say, before george passed we had one credit left that we didnt owe on and it was in his name only. And i remember it was expiring october 31 and on that night ( which was 6 days before he died) I was laying in bed so tempted to go online and buy gift cards to target and the market because i didnt know what was going to happen to us and I thought we might need them. But I couldn't do it. I said to the Lord- if I do this, then Im saying that You wont provide for us. I just couldn't say that. And here i sit, hafting to declare His faithfulness because He has, is and I know will continue to take care of us. He has not changed. He is our Dad and He loves us and longs to be gracious to us. I have no words....just absolute thankfulness to Him!

2010-06-18T10:29:00.000-07:00

My life has become insanely busy. I feel like im always on the go. Being a single parent is beyond difficult! I constantly feel like Im being pulled in 4 different directions and my full attention is always needed by all of them all of the time. There really is not a minute for yourself ( and i dont mean luxury time. I mean i cant even sit down to pay bills) until they're all tucked in bed but by then youre so exhausted you just want to crash. Even now as i type Simeon is fighting for a place on my lap. I cry probably atleast once a day. I carry the burden of feeling like im doing more damage to my children then good. I can never make them all happy. But i also dont believe it's my job to make them happy. Isaiah is yelling at me to come and get Simeon, which is yelled at me atleast 100 times a day and you know sometimes I just dont care. Im so tired of hearing my name called. I miss the life I use to have. I miss the routine of being home by a certain time for my husband. I miss being home every night and just even laying in bed with my husband eating ice cream and watching something stupid on tv. I hate trying to plan my days around sorrow. Even though George use to work long hours and i did alot by myself he was still a rock of support and encouragment by my side. I had him to share the craziness of my day with and now that's gone. And yes i have great friends but it's absolutely not the same. I have become extremely sensitive to other peoples marriages. With some i have envy with others i can see the disrespect for their husbands by the ever so subtle sarcastic remarks and put downs. I dont even know if they realize they're doing it- but their kids totally see it. I use to do it too. If youre a wife, I would encourage you to ask the Lord to show you if you do it.
Lately, I have been thinking about the days leading up to the death of Christ. Again what that must have felt like for our Father, knowing the horrific torture His son would willingly endure to settle our ransom with death and hell. I am reading the book of John to the boys and last night I read ch 18:4 " Jesus therefore, knowing ALL THE THINGS that were coming upon Him, went forth...WOW!! He knew exactly what was coming. That alone is almost beyond my understanding. Put yourself there and think about it for a moment. Sometimes I think we read scripture like it's just a story in a book- put life on for a minute and really think about it. Think about the faith that Jesus had in the Father- which believe it or not He did practice faith to do all He did on the cross, to go into hell and get the keys of hell and death, and then to be raised up on the third day- oh yah He had faith. In Hebrews ch 4: 14-16 God says" For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our wekanesses but one who WAS TEMPTED IN ALL THINGS AS WE ARE, yet without sin. He was obligated to become like us- with flesh and blood, walk the road we walk in order to become a faithful and merciful High Priest. The point im getting at is that there is nothing that we will face that Christ Himself hasnt faced-death, pain, being hungry, thirsty, unthankfulness of people, alone, lonely, tired, forsaken, falsly accused,discouraged, called names, beat up, spit upon, tempted to be unrighteously angry, His family thought He was crazy, people laughed at Him, called Him the devil, tempted to doubt the word of His father,every sickness and disease, cant even count how many times they tried to throw Him off a cliff in Luke, He's been sad, wanted Him only because He fed them food, plus He knew what was in the heart of people and still He did it all. Which brings me to what i wanted to get to. It says in matt 27: 51 And behold, the veil of the temple was torn from top to bottom... If you dont know, the veil of the temple was made up of a lot curtains, each specifically colored and it was 4 inches thick. It seperated the outer court and the Holy of Holies. It is the place where once a year the high priest would enter into and sprinkle the blood of the slain animal on the mercy seat for the forgivness of the sins of the people and Gods presence would come and fill that place behind the curtain but the curtain is there for the reminder thay we were seperated from His presence and could not go in there or you would have died. So i was thinking, i wonder if similar to how God knew what was going to happen in the garden, now our Father is waiting for the last drop of Christ's precious blood to fall, for Him to give up His last breath so He could rip down that veil- that constant reminder of our sin separating us from Himself- and welcome us with joy back into His presence. I have had this one scripture on my mind the last few days...Heb 4:16 Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Another translation says let us approach therefore with boldness to the throne of grace...I wonder sometimes when we read if we -or I- really understand the magnitude of what Im reading. Because of what Christ did, i have front row access to the throne of God. When we talk with Him in our living room, we really are standing in His presence before His throne. Isnt that what that says- we have access to His throne of grace? We may not physically see Him but the veil that separated us from Him was torn and we have free access into His presence- do we believe that? Or do we believe that it's just a one sided conversation and maybe He will answer us but probably not. Wasnt it Elisha who said: as the Lord lives in who's presence I stand. Well, he wasnt dead! But he had a constant awareness that wherever he was he was standing before God. I dont know about you, but i want to pretty much camp at His throne of grace, bow in His beautiful presence, and like the woman in the scripture Id like to wash His feet with my tears and dry them with my hair. I know we are all facing stuff. Just because i lost my husband that doesnt minimize what you may be going through. May I encourage you - draw near to His throne. And draw near to Him with confidence- confidence that He's going to answer you and help you in whatever you need. Get away, alone, and just sit in His presence. Whether you feel it or not, His word says we have access to there because of the blood of the One who left His glory in heaven to become like us, face everything we face, bought us back from sin and hell. He understands right where each one of us is and He is able to run to our aid. Not only that, He wants us to come to Him. Just like we love and want our children to come to us, everything our Father has done was to make the way for us to be able to be with Him again. Isaac, my 9 yo, has asked me probably 50 times now why Jesus had to die. He could have just made us obey or not had the fruit or done this or that... And my answer to him is always what greater love could God have shown toward us than to give the life of His own child- His own life. What greater act of love is there then that? Theres none.

2010-06-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

GRIEF SUCKS!!!! It really does. Unless you've been in it, you really have no idea how deep to the core of your inner most being it reaches. It's gut wrenching. I wrote once that it was like travailing in labor, but tonight it seems more adequate to compare it to having the stomach flu. And you just keep vomiting and vomiting and vomiting and after you've vomited 30 times and there's nothing left in your stomach but your stomach keeps wrenching it up- that's how i would describe grief tonight! Today sucked! I should really have learned to listen to myself by now. I got my period first thing this morning ( sorry if any guys read this) and was already pretty emotional so I should no better than to try to take on certain things. But, I did anyway because what else am I suppose to do? I have to handle things. So today I just came undone. For the first time ever i was driving and saying to the Lord- Im ready to come home. Even my love for my boys wasnt enough. This is a hard thing to hold on through. And you cant really even explain what happens, these feelings of deep anger and sorrow just about overtake you. Tonight was the promotion ceremony for school for my boys and I had to almost walk out because this sorrow just became overwhelming and i was pleading with my Father to help me because I just couldnt bear it then. Ofcourse seeing my husbands face in the slide show just broke my heart ( dont feel bad Julie- Im glad you put him in there ) Im starting to live in my mind where we were last year at this time. This is right before it all started. Last year he was with us. Simeon keeps saying all day long "dad's dead mom". My plate is just full and this is my life now and it -at this moment- sucks. I dont want to be here! And if you dont want to hear my pitty party you should stop reading now. Cause I dont want to here tonight. I just want to run away from it. And while i am so thankful for the people who love and help me, i hate needing their help. I hate having both his job now as well as mine and honestly i dont have enough in me to even do mine. The burden is weighing heavy tonight. Im going to go get into my half empty bed, get the stash of his shirts out and pretty much cry it out with me Dad. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Thank God He holds on to us...

2010-05-29T20:44:00.000-07:00

John 14:1 Let not your heart be troubled, believe in God; believe also in Me.
I have been really overwhelmed the last couple of days. I guess before George got sick and passed i was never really exposed to disease and death. The last few days iv felt so surrounded by it People are just dying left and right from sicknesses to car accidents. My friend finding out her 6yo little boy having cancer was just the straw that broke the camels back. It's just not right. And when i hear of someone else it effects me deeply probably because my wound is still new and im moved with grief and sorrow for them. The other night i couldnt hear another word. I just broke down crying lifting my hands up to our Father- where our hope comes from. After putting the boys to bed i felt like i needed to run away to Him and I just spent hours at His feet, reading His word, singing to Him. Fear tries to come , things try to shake us, make us doubt God and His GOODNESS. I feel like im running my faith race against a tornado right now. I still believe in His promise of a long life- here on this earth- and my years filled with good things!!!! And i feel like that's trying to be stolen from me. Again, i dont know why all things happen but im not going to say something horrible was His will just because i dont have a better explanation. I know too, that we live in a fallen world but that does NOT nullify Gods word. And if in His word He says that we can have a long life filled with good things then regardless of living in this fallen world it must still be possible or He lied. And I know about the " if its His will" stuff. I dont even think thats a scripture is it? Jesus said if youve seen me, youve seen the Father and He always did the things He saw the Father doing. So how can we say "if its His will"? He's never shown us anything different. And why things happen with other people- even my husband-I cant let steal His words from my heart. 3 days after He lead the people out of bondage in egypt ( which is a picture of us being saved out of this world) He told them that He is the Lord that heals them. He could have picked alot of different things to share about Himself with them but thats what he chose to tell them- how beautiful is that! So i dont get it all but i have to believe in His word and His goodness and not what i see in this life. So ive been drowning myself with His word and what it says about His goodness. Here's a few
2 chronicles 5:13 He indeed is good for His lovingkindness is everlasting," then the house, the house of the LORD, was filled with a cloud,
ezra 3:11They sang, praising and giving thanks to the LORD, saying, "For He is good, for His lovingkindness is upon Israel forever.
ps 23:6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
ps 25: good and upright is the Lord
ps 34:8 O taste and see that the Lord is good.How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him
ps65:4 we will be satisfied with the goodness of Thy house
ps 73:1 surely God is good
ps For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You.
ps 100:5 the LORD is good His lovingkindness is everlasting And His faithfulness to all generations.
ps 103 1Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.
ps 107
p 118:1, 29
ps 119:68 You are good and do good
ps 145:79
micah Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth over the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? he retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in lovingkindness.
lamentations 3:25
nahum 1:7 The Lord is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble and He knows those who take refuge in Him.
Jeremiah 9:23-24 23Thus says the LORD, "Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things," declares the LORD.
matt 7:9-11 "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
And the one im holding on to right now psalm 34:8:
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.

2010-05-28T22:41:00.000-07:00

My friend found out this week that their 6 yo little boy has cancer. His name is Nathan. They will be undergoing alot these next few weeks. Please pray for their family.

2010-05-25T06:01:00.000-07:00

Last week i went to the women's conference at Cottonwood. While i did enjoy it, I found it focused a little too much on getting involved with other things. While i absolutely believe in serving others, i believe taking care of our husbands and children should be our main serving. I think it's easy for us- for me anyway- to desire to get involved in certain "ministries" because they feel good to do them ie...helping teen moms, visiting people in hospitals, volunteering time serving meals. Compare that to butt wiping, referring, character training ALL DAY LONG, Id rather do those other things in a heart beat. I remember asking the Lord sometime ago about where i was going to minister and asking Him what He's called me to do. And you know one day I was super tired, on my knees changing a poopy diaper and He said to me " what if THIS is what I want you to do?" I said, Well, im not going to be very happy about that! But, it doesnt matter if Im happy with it- being home loving and serving our husbands and children is what He has called us to do. And i believe this work is our training ground to really learn to serve like Christ- where we really learn the meaning of denying ourselves and picking up our cross and following Him. He was tired, emptied Himself to find that others still had needs and He somehow met them, no one ever cared if He ate or drank, whenever He tried to go away and spend time with the Father people always found Him, people spoke badly of Him and yet He continued to serve- even His enemy. And Im pretty sure that only one person ever thanked Him for doing something. Some of that rings vaguely familiar to my life. I love at the conference on Friday, one of the speakers was saying how she was telling God how she just cant do things because she's so tired. And His answer to her was that He never promised her she wouldnt be tired! AND He said to her - Charlette you're just going to have to learn to do tired WELL. Isn't that the truth!

2010-05-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

Its been pretty busy for me lately. I had a nice birthday and just felt really loved and blessed with what i do have- which is quite a bit! Last summer we spent a few days with friends up in Big Bear. It was right at the beginning of George getting sick. We had a great time. Well for my birthday one of those friends is buying us a night up there this summer. And i was sharing with another friend how different it will be for me to drive there because George would have driven for me. I never traveled any distance without him. I was wishing i had a sea doo to take up but didnt know if i could do the drive with a trailer behind me. The point of all this is...my friends response (who i loooove- since she'll probably see this :) said well, think of how empowering that would be for me to do all that by myself. While im sure she meant that to encourage me, but i dont want to be empowered! And of course there's nothing wrong with women doing those things on their own, but i dont want to be self sufficient like that. I liked needing my husband and i like that he needed me for things too. I liked taking care of him. I liked getting his clothes out, making his plate for him, serving him his favorite coffees. Some women would say those are things a mom would do and they should do that for themselves, but i dont agree. Atleast not for me. I believe men were created to be our protectors, a covering of strength over us. And we - according to the scripture- were created to be their help mate. And did you know that the word helpmate is used 19 times in the scripture n relation to the Holy Spirit being our helper- it's the same word. Now im certainly not saying anyone should go do the job of the Holy Spirit in your husbands life.But in case you feel your job is not an important, it's actually just as important as that of the Holy Spirits. I like the verse in proverbs 31- the heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain. Can the heart of your husband trust you? Or has he just quitely backed down to doing things your way to keep the peace? And look at the promise that comes with them being able to trust us---they will have no lack of gain. We have some influence in their lives. I remember the first time the Lord showed me that verse- i cried. And i called my husband crying afraid to even ask him if his heart trusted in me because i knew the answer. This isnt a verse about being faithful. Its a verse about them being able to trust us with their heart thoughts, their ideas. Trusting that we wont put them down. It's about us supporting them, encourageing them,standing by them, being their soft place to land at the end of a day of being out in this crazy world. For those of us who are blessed to stay home, we should be extra appreciative. I would not want to have to work outside of my home and have the world yelling their filth at me all day- no thanks! Dont get me wrong either, im not a wimp, but i loved my husbands strength and i loved that i could be feminine and need a strong man to come to my rescue- which he definately did on more than one occasion. There was something else i wanted to write about but im out of time. I just want to end with this. I- again- love when God speaks to us and that it doesnt matter that i was in the shower when it happened tonight. I was thinking to myself how i hate even the thought of being single and" on the market. " And the Lord said to me in this strong voice- you are NOT on the market. And i knew immediately that He meant that He IS my husband and that i am not available- not that im even considering that right now. But I love that and then i just kind of chuckled and said back to Him- well if it does happen he is going to have to be one amazing guy to get Your permission to take Your place.

2010-05-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

Iv had such a blessed week! We do serve an amazing God who even in the midst of our struggles and sadness can make us feel not just a peace that surpasses all understanding but a love as well. I love how God in His amazing wisdom uses having children as reflections of our spiritual walk with Him. Not just the fits and selfishness that we may- at times- have in common with them but the simple beautiful everyday life moments. I was at Disneyland Land with the boys a few weeks ago. I was riding Big thunder mountain with Ben and he wants to hold his arms up because its more thrilling and fun but he's too scared to. So i said to him go ahead and put your arms up and Ill hold onto you. So i put my arms around his waist and held him and he, smiling from ear to ear, threw his arms up in the air. What i noticed though, was that when we would go down a dip or turn sidewise he would get scared and doubt my grip on him and he would start to reach for the bar so id squeeze him a little tighter and reassure him that iv got him and up his arms would go again. Now i know thats just a day at disneyland but i gleaned something spiritual from that. Isnt that how our lives are- like the roller coaster? Filled with ups, downs, fun times when we throw our hands up but also some scary times when we are holding on for dear life. What beautiful picture of faith I saw in Ben that he trusted me not only in the good times but when he was afraid. Isnt that Just like our Father? He holds us in our good times but in our darkest moments of fear He holds us a little tighter and tells us- dont be afraid, Im holding you. Go ahead and throw your arms up because Im your Father and i will see you through. I was just rereading Nehemiah and in ch8: 10 he says" Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength" For a long time i couldnt understand what that meant- the joy of the Lord is our strength. Now i think i do. I believe it's the joy of knowing Him, knowing what He promises His children. I believe it's looking at Jesus as the exact representation of the nature of our Father and knowing that He not only holds us by the hand, but that we are also in His hands and NOTHING- no sickness, sorrow, disease, debt, lack, oppression, fear, pain, no other power- not even death itself can seperate us from Him. And for the joy of having that knowledge, no matter what we are facing now or to come, we can have strength and we can and should lift our hands to Him in praise because He- and He alone- is our Deliverer.

2010-05-17T21:25:00.000-07:00

I love love love Cottonwood church! I love the praise, the people and I love the teaching! Last night Isaac went with me to the service. They are teaching on healing sunday nights through may. And yes, i still believe God heals. So i was actually praying for Isaac last night during service that God would move on Him, that he would be touched by the Holy Spirit, that He would be affected somehow. For those of you who dont know Isaac, he's not a big talker about feelings, and he's not super affectionate. ( He says he's saving all the hugs and kisses for his wife ) He will let me hug him but i pretty much have to chase him down to do it. Anyway on the way home last night we were talking about George and Isaac started telling me that he was still angry with me about something that happened with his dad. One night during his last 2 weeks a friend had come over. I was walking her out and we were praying out front. Isaac came out and told me that dad wanted to have a family meeting but i gave him the "wait" sign because we were praying. Well, by the time we were done outside George had fallen back asleep. ( he was on a lot of morphine and was asleep most of the time ) So Isaac, this whole time ,has been angry with me. I told him i was so sorry for doing that. And i said that i hoped he could forgive me for that which he said he did with a sweet smile. But what was wonderful was that it opened up this moment for us to share. When we got home he asked if he could sleep with me which was strange for him to ask so i said yes. And thank God for the Holy Spirit leading us! I had planned on sewing and doing my thing but i just felt Isaac's heart was open so i went and laid down with him. He started asking me what i miss and dont miss about dad and then he shared with me what he misses and doesnt. He kept putting his head under the pillows because he was crying. Then we talked about all these memories he has of hanging out together, playing guitar, watching movies in georges big truck, working together. Just a quick side brag- when isaac was 7, George redid our roof and let Isaac help him demo it. George tied him to the chimney and Isaac worked all night- non stop! He loved working with his dad and honestly he worked harder than most of Georges other helpers. But we talked about how hard it is to have all those memories because you also have more sorrow- more of a loss I think. We talked about how Simeon will never remember George being part of his life but Isaac assured me he will help Sim to know who is dad was. I told him that id never forget this one day probably just days before George died how Isaac asked him to do a puzzle with him. Even though George just slept the whole time they were at the table together. It just blessed my heart that he wasnt scared of him ( because he looked scarey )and he wanted to spend time with him. He said, well mom, i wanted him to be healed. It was so sweet and such a precious God time with him last night. And it reassured my hope in their (our) Father that He is working in their hearts and He will be faithful to bring them through this.

2010-05-13T18:26:00.000-07:00

I'll tell ya, this roller coaster of grief is exhausting! The realization that George is gone followed by that surreal feeling of not being able to really believe that. One minute of being happy than for no apparent reason deep sorrow just rises up in you. It can be maddening. And it can happen anywhere at anytime. Ive been standing in line at walmart or starbucks and all of the sudden wham, here it comes. And i say to the Lord -no way Lord, not here! Thank God for sunglasses! I dont get it nor do I understand how this process of grieving works. But I do know the One who's holding my hand walking us through it, healing us every step of the way- and my eyes, heart and hope are fixed on Him- my Father.
I will be honest though, this is not easy. Even as i write this, im totally irritated with my boys. My house is a mess. Ben spilled red Kool aid everywhere tonight- twice! My laundry is overflowing, Simeon is forcing his way on my lap as I type pulling down my shirt trying to nurse. And Id really like to run away with a huge glass of wine, but im going to settle for a big bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and ride it out instead. Its hard doing it all! And it's not just the "doing things" thats hard. It's that when im doing the things George use to do, its a constant reminder that he's not here doing them anymore. I cant ask him to watch them while i run to the store for one thing. Now we all have to load up and go. He's not here to hug me and make me laugh when im about to lose my mind. He's not here to investigate if i hear a noise outside at night- im the one who has to do it. I miss having his strength, his covering. This is the time of year that we would start to spend evenings out front. We'd be bumpin the praise music, he would be watering the grass or washing a car, and the boys would be running crazy or riding scooters. Then we'd finish off the night with big bowls of ice cream. Tonight though when i was outside watering, I just kept thinking that the month he started getting sick is rapidly approaching and im not looking forward to the memories im going to be reliving in my heart. But you know, this is where Im at and God knows all about it. Nomatter how hard the road gets, im going to keep pressing on and pressing in to Jesus. That's Always Our Answer. Our circumstance has not taken Him by surprise- neither has yours. :) He knew when He gave me these boys that i would be in this exact moment and there is a place inside of me that is solidly anchored on the knowledge that He is not only going to take care of us but that the best for us is still to come. Now, I can't always see or feel how that could be possible but knowing our Father and being a believer I have to believe that. We are not of those who have no hope! I was reading psalm 126 about when God freed His people from captivity: I love that it's called "a song of ascents" Because it shows how He is. It shows Him delivering His people from a low place of horrible bondage and sorrow and setting them free and bringing them up to a higher beautiful place abounding with every good thing.
When the LORD brought back the captive ones of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter
And our tongue with joyful shouting;
Then they said among the nations,
The LORD has done great things for them."
The LORD has done great things for us;
We are glad. Restore ( what was taken because of ) our captivity, O LORD,
As the streams in the South.
Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.
He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,
Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.
Thats my declaration- Im sowing in tears and i fully intend to reap -not just with joy- but joyful shouting of praise to our God! And im not sure what sheaves are but when i read it i thought of my boys and im trusting God to bring them in joyfully shouting as well.

2010-05-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

Today was actually way better than expected. I had great fellowship with amazing friends and my boys swam and played to their hearts content. It was a great day. And to top it, I heard from God. I just love that our God speaks to us! About a week ago my mother in law and i were talking about the story of the widow and Elisha in 2 kings 4 Here is the story incase you dont know it. Now a certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets cried out to Elisha, "Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD; and the creditor has come to take my two children to be his slaves."Elisha said to her, "What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?" And she said, "Your maidservant has nothing in the house except a jar of oil."Then he said, "Go, borrow vessels at large for yourself from all your neighbors, even empty vessels; do not get a few."And you shall go in and shut the door behind you and your sons, and pour out into all these vessels, and you shall set aside what is full."So she went from him and shut the door behind her and her sons; they were bringing the vessels to her and she poured. When the vessels were full, she said to her son, "Bring me another vessel." And he said to her, "There is not one vessel more." And the oil stopped. Then she came and told the man of God. And he said, "Go, sell the oil and pay your debt, and you and your sons can live on the rest." So my mother in law spoke a blessing over us that every time i had to spend God would keep filling for us just like He did for the widow. A couple of days after that i reading that story with Isaac as well as the other places where God provided for a widow. Then at Cottonwood this morning we had a guest speaker from Africa and what do you think he read? Yep! About the widow. I love how God repeats Himself to drive it home that it IS Him speaking, guiding, letting us know He is taking care of us. And I love how one sentence from God can speak volumes to our situation. As I was sitting there at the very end of the message i just heard Him speak into my heart; " And I will provide for YOU until you dont need it any longer." What can I say to that? What can I say of Him...His greatness, His great love for us- His children. psalm 84:2 My heart and my flesh sing for joy to the living God! Psalm 145 I will extol You, my God, O King, And I will bless Your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless You, And I will praise Your name forever and ever. Great is the LORD, and highly to be praised,And His greatness is unsearchable. One generation shall praise Your works to another,And shall declare Your mighty acts. On the glorious splendor of Your majesty And on Your wonderful works, I will meditate. Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts, And I will tell of Your greatness. And He IS great! And i hope whoever reads these posts is encouraged by His faithfulness towards me because He will be faithful to you as well. Trust Him!

2010-05-06T21:58:00.000-07:00

Im tired tonight. This has been a looong week of being out of the house early and for most of the day. Im spent. I (unfortunately) am not looking forward to mothers day this weekend and honestly id like to take my guys and run away for the weekend but i have no idea where to go. I was reading the bible to them tonight and Ben leaned over and whispered in my ear that he wished he could die so he could be with and talk to his dad. I just love that boy! (I love them all ofcourse) So i said to Ben that if he showed up anytime soon in heaven Dad would be pretty upset and probably ask Jesus to send him back until he has had a long life with his years full of good things! Then i said to them- you know, if Dad could talk to us right now he would first tell us he loves us, then he would tell us not to be sad but to live and enjoy our life and trust God to keep taking care of us- that He is faithful. I love how my mother in law said it to me the other day. She said something to the effect of; it's just hard to get use to him living somewhere else now and not being with us anymore. I LOVE that because he IS still alive. The scripture says believers dont die. Our spirit- the real us- just passes right over to our real home. So technically he's just moved. Isnt that the truth?

Rated "R" for exclamation point profanity

2010-05-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

I was going to write something encouraging tonight. The last couple of messages at church have been really good about expecting God to do great things for us but honestly thats gone for me at this moment. It is amazing to me how one thing can just almost sink me. I was going about having a great day visiting a friend today and i was in their front yard pushing Simeon in a swing. My friends husband came home and without thinking i turned towards where her kids were and said- your dads here. Simeon spun his head around so fast to look and he said dad! My heart sunk and i couldnt believe i even said it. Then i had to explain to him that it wasnt his dad, it was theirs. Do you have any idea how !!!!!! up that is????? And please dont even think about giving me grief about my exclamation points! I just wanted to throw up! It is wrong on every single level to have to repeatedly tell my little boy that his dad is gone. And im sure he's over it now but i sit and wonder what his heart must have felt at that moment when i said those stupid !!!!!!! words and right now i cant let it go. Im so, so sad- and angry! Im sad not only for me but for other people- a man who lost his wife and he has a 3 yo little boy who keeps calling for his mom- every single day now for i think almost a year -and his dad is helpless to that and it's wrong that he doesnt have her! People move on with their lives - which is ok, it's what they should do. But they have no idea the ins and outs of everyday little things we go through. Little things that you just never think of. Like a little boy crying in need of his mom and dad trying to bring him comfort but he wants his mom and keeps crying for her. I cant even imagine how hard it is for him! i know another woman who will probably lose her husband, she cant even sleep in her bed because he's not with her. Father, forgive me for walking through this life so self absorbed. Help me to stop wasting time and worrying about things that are temporal. Help me to love all over on my boys and to not be irritated with them because they arent perfect. Please pray for people. Get alone with God and tell Him youre willing to intercede for people and ask Him who to pray for, He'll lead you. There is so much pain in this world, i dont know how our Father bears it- but im sure glad He bears it for us because i cant carry this load.

2010-04-29T11:02:00.001-07:00

God is so good! Sometimes i am so overjoyed by Him that I feel guilty because I think it's wrong for me to have happiness after losing my love. Although I know that's not true, there still is a part of me that thinks i should be consumed with sorrow. Dont get me wrong, there are days when i am sad, i do miss him constantly and i do feel this awareness that something is missing from me- not just my life, but from me physically as well. I also find myself covering up alot. Like im always wearing a sweater or jacket and constantly feeling the need to hold it closed. I never did that before. It reminds me of the part of the "The Valley Song" by jars of clay when he says:
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground, using our hands
To cover the "fatal cut" --- I never really understood that until now. But i do feel like i am wounded and need to keep it covered maybe while Gods healing me- not too sure. I love that whole song! Im going to have to to put it in my playlist. The rest of it says:
Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
I will sing of Your mercy that leads me THROUGH valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy. I am so amazed at Him! That He has not only the love for me- us- to want to help us but that He has the power to heal even our worst pains and sorrows! And i do believe He heals it. I believe the valley does end and the wound does heal. While im sure i will always love george and miss him, i dont believe we are to just adjust to a new way of living without him. I believe my Father is creating a new beautiful life for us- and quite possibly an even a better one than before! I just believe that's how He is.
Some scriptures i found regarding Him doing "new" things:
Isaiah 40: 31 He gives new strength
isaiah 42:9-10 He declares new things to us before they happen
Isaiah 48:6 He proclaims new hidden things which we have not known
Isaiah 62:2 He gives us a new name
EZ 18:31 He gives us a new heart
Ez 11:19 He gives us a new spirit
Lamentations ( my favorite) His mercy, lovingkindess, and compassions are new every morning
Luke 22:20 He gives us a new covenant in His blood
John 13 He gives us a new commandment
2 Cor 5:17 He gives us a new creation when we become born again in Him
Eph 4:24 he gives us a new self made in His likeness- in righteousness, holiness and truth
And He wraps up His love letter to us with this - Revelation 21:5 And He who sits on the throne said " Behold, I am making all things new." And He said, " Write, for these words are Faithful and True." If He can do all that, im certain He can create something new and beautiful for us! Praise His Beautiful Name!

2010-04-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

Today was a strange day for me. i thought of george continually. One of my amazing sisters and her husband filled out the extreme makeover home show app for us and today they came over and shot the video to send in with it. So i had to sit and share our story with them via a video camera. And i went through all the details. Its strange to rethink about it now and to realize how far we've come and how faithful God is. I do miss him greatly! I try really hard not to think about the time in the hospital. I try not to think about the times i could hear him crying out to God and i would just get on my face outside wherever he was and just weep and pray for him. I hated thinking that he felt like God wasnt hearing or helping him. But he's not thinking about those things now so why should i? But sometimes i do and today i did while doing that video. Its so strange to me still to remember sitting at the table with all those teams of doctors and because of a bunch of different things there was nothing they could do for him- nothing! But they said it in such a clinical way that you just dont even understand that theyre telling you theres nothing they can do. And then when it finally settles that there IS NOTHING they can do to help and then they tell you you have just maybe 2 weeks to live! Its unbelievable! And may you never know. Its been almost 6 months and honestly i still cant believe that he's gone! We went to the park today. It was a park we had been to with George a few times. I kept having sorta flashbacks of the times we had been there before having picnics and playing. But i couldnt remember them clearly, and that bothered me. I was watching Simeon watching a little girl and her dad. The dad was standing at the bottom of the slide just playing with her and taking her picture and Simeon just stood there staring at them. Now, i doubt that he was thinking of it the way i was but still thats something he'll never have and i wondered what he was thinking. Tonight i was laying with him in bed and it dawned on me that he hasnt looked at georges pictures in a while and I dont even remember when he last said daddy.So i gave him a kiss on the head and told him that me and daddy loved him and he didnt respond like he use to. Has he forgotten already? How wrong is that Lord!!! And he will forget George nomatter how hard we try to keep his memory alive Simeon wont remember his dad. UH!!! Today was just one of those days that 200 sighs wasnt even enough and i just had this sad awareness of him not being part of me anymore. Life is so up in the air right now. And while I know in my heart my Father is taking care of us, I just miss him being by my side. I miss my team mate, my cheering section, the strong arms that would hold me when i was afraid or when life just sucked- because it just does sometimes! And i miss taking care of him. I miss being his wife. I miss having coffee with him in the morning and getting him big bowls of ice cream at night. I wish i would have been a better wife to him- although honestly i dont have any guilt or regrets- i just wish i would have have loved more. I miss him coming home every night and the boys hearing his truck and they would all hide and he would look for them. Isaac just said to me last night that he never got to tell dad where his hiding place was. It's strange to think that im here sometimes consumed with thoughts of him and he may not even think of us. We dont really know what it's like in heaven, what we remember and the word doesnt say much about it. I do remember on Isaiahs birthday, 4 days after george passed. I was in the bathroom and Isaiah came in and told me he heard his daddy's voice in the living room. I asked him what he said and he answered- he wished me a happy birthday. I do believe he heard him. So i dont know about all that. But what i do know is God is faithful. And as long as i live, till my very last breath i will make known His faithfulness and sing praise to His Name. Because no matter what we go through, He is able to give us peace in the midst of it, deliver us from it, restore and heal us and even work it for our good. Who is like Him? Tell me!
Romans 8:35-38 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?... But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,
nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Thats always been one of my favorite scriptures but i hadnt actually read it since George died and reading it tonight...wow! I love when a scripture takes on new life for me. It's true- nothing is more powerful than Him and there is nothing greater than Him that could ever come between His love and grip on us-Nothing! NOTHING!!! Amazing!

2010-04-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

I was having a talk with a pastor the other evening. I had shared with him that through all this ive been learning to wait on the Lord for things. His response was- wow, you dont hear that in the church anymore. That sort of took me back. And i said well, maybe thats why the people in the church arent getting anything from Him because theyre not waiting for Him to do things. It is afterall, the one who waits on Him who gets the promise. And if we arent waiting on Him, what are we doing? Delivering ourselves? Because thats not even faith. And usually, if your like me, you strive, and spin your wheels trying to make things happen just to end up right back where you started in the first place with no deliverance. Why do we do that? I was sharing with this pastor about how God sold my husbands truck. It was a big Ford f700. It was pretty old with quite a few miles on it and it smoked alot! A few people came by to look at it but no takers. Finally a man came by and looked at it and asked me what i wanted. I told him my price and he said ok. So by the next friday he called me and said he was short $500. and asked if i would take it and i said no. And let me tell you, that was really hard. I remember going into the nursery at my homeschool group and telling the moms about it and how i wanted to call him back because i was afraid no one else would want it. But, I said im not going to. God is the seller of my things and im going to wait on Him because when i do He does better for me than i ever could have done for myself. Plus you see His hand and have the testimony of Him doing it. So I resisted calling him and waited. 5 days later another man came to look at it. This man looked like he could have been Georges brother. His family is catholic and they homeschool their children. He was telling me how he buys and restores old cars with his dad and his son. He said this truck would be a great project for them and asked me what i wanted to get out of it. I told him my price and he in return offered me $500. MORE than what i asked for. Who gets that??? I'll tell you, the one who waits on the Lord! And on top of that he told me that the truck was going to a good family - which does matter to me- and that whatever he restores he keeps forever. I just love that! And i had mentioned to him how other people wanted to chop it up and hated the color and he said he loved it and as a matter of fact the truck was his favorite color and that it was actually his friend who saw the ad for the truck and emailed it to him saying it was his truck because it was his color! See what God does when you wait. And i could have sold to that other man, but look what i got for waiting on God. I could see and have the testimony of His Beautiful Hand orchestrating that whole thing- which means more to me than the money. I believe it's when we seek Him and wait on Him that we get the exceedingly abundantly more than we could imagine that is talked about in Ephesians. And did you know that He waits too? Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who wait for Him. And this pretty much sums up my life at this moment. Psalm 40:1-5 I waited patiently for the LORD And He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD. How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood. Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders which You have done, And Your thoughts toward us; There is none to compare with You If I would declare and speak of them, They would be too numerous to count. It almost amazes me that i can feel like that at this moment in my life. But He is bringing me up out of this pit and He is continually putting a new song of praise in my mouth. I almost feel guilty sometimes because im so over joyed at what God is doing. Like thats wrong and some how means im not missingand loving George still. But how can i keep from singing His praise when He is being so faithful and real to us. And I am convinced that our Father wants to walk the ins and outs of our everyday lives with us- just like He did in the garden with Adam and Eve. And even though Jesus doesnt walk physically with us like He did with them, i believe we have something better. Jesus said it was better that He go away back to the Father so that the Holy Spirit could come and live in us. So Him living in us must be even greater than Jesus walking physically with us. He cares about about our lives, us, our every decisions- the small ones as well as the big ones. He wants to be involved in it all. Include Him in and watch what He does :)

2010-04-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

Last night i took a meal over to a lady who's husband is in the hospital. I mentioned them a few weeks ago. He had what they thought were lesions in his brain and were going in to check it out. Turns out He has a crazy virus that in a compromised immune system causes your white blood cells to destroy your brain. So what they thought was a lesion is really dead brain tissue. To make matters worse, there is no treatment for it. And the one clinical trial has side affects that could be detrimental. It is amazing what a difference a few months makes! Hear me- Dont take your life, your wife, husband, your health, and your time for granted. I am still, regardless of all this i see around me, a believer in Gods promises of a long life and my years filled with good things but God help us- help me- not take these things for granted. As i stood in her kitchen just listening to her heart i could just hear myself having said the exact same words. The realization that we wasted a lot of time being upset over meaningless things and how we didnt really appreciate their being a covering over us. We talked about how we wished we would have complained less and encouraged more- like they did for us. She mentioned how she repented to him at his bedside and i shared with her how i got on my knees and washed my husbands feet with tears apologizing for being out of order and putting the kids and other things before him. I know this may sound redundant to you but i find very interesting that we experienced the same thing. It must just be what happens when you face death, you start evaluating how youre really living your life. And then you pray for time to love them the way you really want to now. But i dont think you have to go down a road like this to love like that. That's why i keep repeating it over and over again. Dont have regrets. Dont waste time. Make the choice to love absolutely unconditionally without any thought of getting anything out of it for you- especially when the person youre loving isnt doing what you want or isnt treating you necessarily good. It takes a lot of foot work but it also takes a huge amount of energy to live with irritation and strife. And like Jesus said- if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even the world does that. But Jesus in luke ch 6:27 says...But i say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you... Isnt it interesting that he qualifies it to those who hear? I mean surely everyone around him had ears that worked right? They werent all deaf. So we can have ears but not hear. I think we're only hearers if take what we hear and do it. I remember praying for george once and the Lord just kinda saying to me- well do really care about him and whats best for him? or do you just want him to change because it will help/ benefit you in some way? And you know what, when i really prayerfully thought about it He was right ( what a surprise hah? ). The underlying of my prayers for my husband were in some way to help or benefit me, not because i was genuinely concerned for his heart and being right with God. It was more to make him right with me or what i thought was right for him. So ill say it again, dont waste time. Tonight when you get in bed with your husband or wife- be thankful for them. Your life may not be perfect, no one's is. But think about the wife of that man who is in the hospital who for now and maybe for the rest of her life has to get in her bed alone. Its one of the hardest things to get use to, looking over and that side of the bed is cold and empty. I at least ( and thankfully ) had all my boys to fill the bed. But now theyre all back in their beds and it is strange. The night hours are the hardest. When youre alone and the business of the day settles, your mind just starts spinning and you seem more vulnerable and fear, saddness and what if's come and thats where she's at facing decisions you never want to have to make for someone you love. I know because i was there too. The only- yet best- comfort i could give her was the testimony of Gods amazing faithfulness to me and the assurance that He is and will continue to be that for all them. He is our Refuge, our Strong tower, our Shield, our Rock, our ever present help, our Comforter- our Dad. Praise His Holy Name! Please pray for this family.

I am blessed

2010-04-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

Its been a little over 5 months since my husband went home to heaven. The story of what was happening in our life spread pretty wide by some of my amazing sisters in Christ. The prayers, letters, gifts and phone calls that i received from absolute strangers during the beginning was amazing and the love and encouragement just overwhelmed me. I still have every note and re-read them often. To know that people prayed and still do with tears for us ...there are no words. Some people said that that would end and people would get back to their lives and i guess that has happened some, but even though i dont hear from alot of people anymore i still believe they are praying for us. I remember saying to the Lord in the beginning to help me not to rely on anyone to carry me through this but Him. It can only be Him- He is our Healer. I have to say though that i feel exceptionally blessed. I have recieved some gifts from some home schooling families and stay at home moms -someone even offered to share their home with us. I noticed that they make a point to say their gift is small, but it blesses me even more because i know as a stay at home mom you had to sacrifice to give us that and you probably cut something from your own grocery bill just to send us that $10. or $15. There is no small gift. Its beautiful to me, that people give to us like that. I have some amazing ( that word doesnt even do them justice! ) sisters who i know are on this journey with us for the long haul. I love them more than i could ever express and dont know what id do without them! I am part of an awesome homeschool group whose support is invaluable to me. These are women who may not know what to say, but they will hug me or just sit and listen to me if i need to talk. There is one lady who whether i share good news with her or im sad she just grabs me, squeezes me tight and loves on me. I have a sister who i sent a text to the other day because i recieved a letter from the bank and i was afraid and she sent me back jer 1:19- read it, its awesome! And then maybe 15 minutes later she and her husband called me and prayed for me over the phone. Who does these things? I had a bad dream the other night and i woke up beyond sad and for probably an hour i was laying there worrying about our life, how are we going to do this, can God really make the way, the boys etc. It was about 6:30am and i got a text from another sister saying exactly what was needed in the moment. She's been sending me text messages just about every morning for months. I usually wake up to them. She just prays and sends me His word. There are times she doesnt even know how much im hurting and the words she sends just wash over me and the pain and sorrow leave and it focuses me back to my Father- who IS able. She told me the other day she loves me like the little sister she always wanted but never had. Seriously, I feel so loved! And thats just some of them. I cant even tell you how rich and blessed i feel. I love you beyond words and will never forget how youve loved us!

2010-04-10T20:58:00.000-07:00

I keep a stash of my husbands unwashed shirts behind my pillow on my bed. I also have some in the closet wrapped tightly in a trash bag to preserve the smell of him. Every so often i take them out and try to find a spot that still smells like him and when i do i tell Isaac to come smell them and he buries his sweet 9 yo face into the shirt and comes back out smiling. It's really sweet. We must do it often enough that now Simeon my 2yo has caught on. Tonight i had one of georges sweatshirts on and i told Sim it was daddy's shirt and he put his face into it and sniffed. It was a bitter sweet moment. I have a lot of those with Simeon- with all of them actually. I love that Simeon still seems to have some rememberance of his dad. He still loves to look at his pictures and always wants to sit and play his guitar. We were in walmart a few weeks ago and he saw a man infront of us with a shaved head who did slightly resemble George and Sim- with a question sound in his voice- said Dad? That was a heart breaker! Isaiah who is my very sensitive 7yo remembers when george made their fort in the back yard, singing and making cd's with George, going camping ( at a lodge--which is the only way to camp! ) Yet sometimes out of nowhere, he just curls up on my lap sorta sad and tells me he misses his dad. Today we went to out to where our homeschool group had gone camping and we werent even there 5 minutes and he came up to me and asked me if i missed daddy. Ofcourse my answer was yes! I later asked him what made him ask me that and he said there was a man there that looked a little like dad. Ben is just full of every question you can imagine from why did dad die? Can he come back if he wants to? does dad have friends in heaven? And also wondered if dad has hair in heaven. And probably atleast 5 times a day Ben will come cuddle up with me and tell me he misses his daddy and wished he didnt die. Isaac my 9 yo tries to be a tough guy. He is at that age where he thinks he the man with all the answers and tries to tell everyone what to do. He is not a hugger anymore and really was never affectionate with George but every once he lets me sneak in a cuddle or back scratch. He has the most memories and talks alot with the other boys about him. He talks about the trips to the dump- which for all of them was better than disneyland, he talks about how they all use to hide when he came home and he would go look for them, how crazy he use to drive. Fun stuff. The other night we were sitting on my bed and i just said to them wouldnt it be awesome if dad just walked in the door? Think of how excited Sim would be and they all said it would be great and i looked at Isaac and said -would you hug him? and without a second of hesitation he said " Oh ya I would! " I just cried and forsure wont be asking that question again! When George first went into the hospital i had him make a little video for each of the boys. I knew they would be too scared to go to the hospital so i had him make them a video and they made him one.I havent watched them for months but I asked them if they wanted to see them the other day and isaiah and ben did. Isaac didnt want to yet- which i can totally understand. Simeon i think is still too young to understand its a video and not really him so im waiting on him. I am so glad i have them. They are just maybe 15 seconds but he tells each one their awesome and that he loves them- which is enough. I wish i would have had him make me one. But i have letters and cards and other sweet memories of him. I miss him greatly and have been dreaming about him a lot. i dont like the dreams. Im either looking for him and and I know he is there but i cant ever seem to find him or he is with us but he's just not right- he's just not him. I wake up just feeling... empty. It's not easy, but God is faithful. He is being so tangibly real to me that sometimes i just want to burst. And im believing for big seemingly impossible things. He says He is my Father, Husband and Provider and Im believing He's going to make a way for me to remain at home, have a home, and continue to raise and home school my sons like we have been doing. I dont know how he will do it but i know that He can. And im also believing that my little guys wont be lacking anything by not having a dad. I believe that He'll hold their hearts, heal their hurts and walk them through this and show Himself a faithful Dad to them as well. Pray for us though. People tell me how strong i am but you dont see it all. It's really just me leaning on Him and Him carrying me. He is so amazing- how He cares for us. There is no one like Him.

2010-04-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

I have been without a computer for a week and thats been really hard. It's amazing to me how much it actually helps to write here as well as journaling. So much has been going on...I am loving the daylight lasting longer. We planted our vegetable garden in the backyard and Ben and Isaiah planted some wildflowers in the front yard. I wasnt going to do it this year but the kids really wanted to and i have to say it feels good to have life and things growing here. In the evening we turn the praise music up really really loud, sit out front and check on their little baby flowers growing and eat otter pops. Life CAN be sweet even when youre in the valley of weeping. For those of you who didnt know my husband, he was very out going, talked to everyone, helped anyone who needed it. He's literally given the shirt off his back to people before. All of our neighbors knew George and they have been walking in the evening now and ofcourse they all have stopped to mention they havent seen him out front in a while and now his great big ford truck is gone as well so i have had to share with a whole new slew of people what happened. I am amazed to find out how many people have lost someone they love to some form of cancer! Im not sure what pit of hell cancer crawled out of, but its evil and people live in total fear of it.
Right now i know of 3 people that are facing death. One is a sweet 85 yo widower friend of my family Joe. He has COPD and his lungs are just stopping working. They took him off the ventilator today, it will be a miracle if he lives through the night. One other family the husband has terminal bad prostrate cancer and the other family is a man who was really kind to us after George passed. He is having brain surgery tomorrow morning to try to figure out what the lesions are in his brain/ body and figuring out treatment. His son's wedding is this saturday. It just blows my mind how much death or potential death is near me. And it trips me out how life and the world just keeps going on! We just celebrated Easter and it really wasnt hard for me because of George. What was hard for me was enjoying my day, stuffing my face when i knew what other people were facing. It felt like a waste of my time. I would have rather been visiting the sick or even just spent the day in prayer for all these people. When you know what those people are going to be feeling- the magnitude and anguish of grief- it just makes me want to wrap my arms around them and love them. You know, thats probably the only thing i like about hospitals is the fact there i feel free to do that. When george was at UCI we would just see someone pacing the hall and he would tell me to go check on them and i would just walk up and put my arms around total strangers and listen to them and pray for them. I even did it one time going up the elevator to the parking structure. Life is different in there. Your career, your money, your social status dont matter in there- we're all on equal ground. All the world garbage is left at the doors and you just care for each other- total strangers- and you want to help ease their burdens. I think that happens when we experience great catastrophes like the the world trade centers. Again you have this sudden realization of death and disaster and it immediately brings into our focus what matters most in our lives- loving people. Yes our families, but even absolute total strangers. I wonder why we lose that, because we do. We go back to the routine of our lives. I dont want that to happen to me. Yes, we do have to do our life stuff but I want to always be moved by compassion for people. Really, what else matters? Loving God, loving others. Try it this week. When youre walking through the market and you see some little old lady, reach out and touch her arm and ask how she is. Find a mom and compliment her or encourage her or do whatever the Lord brings infront of you. Dont wait until you experience something sorrowful to have that love for people- love them now.

soundboarding

2010-04-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

This post may not make alot of sense or it may make some mad. Iv been struggling with a lot of thoughts- a lot of controversial thoughts. Im not looking to argue anything, convince anyone or be convinced, but really just trying to work through them out loud here. Im struggling with what people are thinking about my husbands death and about my Father. In reality, their probably really not thinking about it like I think but these are things that are on my mind. My husband believed whole heartedly that God was his healer- not doctors. His belief was grounded in the word and God had healed him of many things through his life. He had seen God do things similar to the things done in the scripture since he was a little boy. Anyone who knew us during the time of him being sick knew that he was putting his trust in his Father. and even though he went to the hospital, that was really because he just couldnt bare the pain anymore. His words to the hospice nurse were these- I have a Father in heaven who with a word created everything we see and until a man can tell me he can do that, I think im better off in His hands. My husband was not perfect ( none of us are ) and I was with my husband every second right up to the end and we had conversations about things that he believed led to the situation he was in. Now, i dont feel the need to mention those because i believe love covers those things and keeps them private. And i dont believe all sickness is the result of sin. The bible says trouble comes to us all. And i dont think we can ever really know about other people because its really between the person and God. But scripturally speaking, The word does say His people do die from a lack of knowledge, wisdom and Jesus also said that if the tree isnt bearing fruit it gets cut down. Sometimes i think people forget these things and most of the time I think God gets blamed for things that are not His doing. The bible says Jesus is the EXACT representation of the nature of the Father, John says Jesus has explained the Father to us and Jesus also said that He was doing the things the Father was doing and that if we have seen Him we have seen the Father. I dont see ANYWHERE in the scripture where jesus said it was not His will to heal. I dont see anywhere where He let someone die as the means of them getting healed. I dont see anywhere that He said someone was sick to learn something. Yes, we do grow as a result but He never made anyone sick or left them sick to learn something. I read that He went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed of the devil. I see that He saw the people sick and was moved with compassion to heal them. It hurts my heart that people - His children- say that He does these things. Things like- He doesnt heal, its His will for you to be sick, it may be His will that you walk outside and get hit by a car- its all in Gods hands. Well is it? We dont have any part in what happens to us? I think too many times we look at other people and base what we believe on what happens to others. Iv heard probably 100 times about some great person, preacher etc... who had some sickness and although he was good and worthy God didnt heal him and took him home. Well, Jesus said no one is good except the Father. And I wonder if we never looked at anyone else or their circumstance and ONLY looked at the word of God what would our belief about our Father be? And believe me, i dont claim to know everything but i like to believe i know a little about the nature of my Father and i dont see it. I see a Father who loves us more than the life of His Son. And i see a Son who for the joy set before Him trusted His Father and endured torture beyond what we could ever imagine to bring us back into reight standing and fellowship with the Father. I wouldnt give the life of my child for anyone and Jesus gave His for the worst of the worst. And i just dont see how after doing that unbelievably beautiful demonstartion of love and sacrifice how people believe He does these other things. I wouldnt do that to my child, would you? Why then would we think our Father would. As far as why things happen, I dont know. I dont know why children get sick or people get ripped away. I will be honest and say sometimes i think like the people in the wilderness we never come to know His ways. And i dont think we are taught to believe Him and fight for things. Like the woman who came to Jesus and her daughter was demon possesed in matt 15:22. She was crying out so loud the disciples were trying to send her away- alot of people would have left at that point. Jesus says to let her stay but then He ignores her request. How many of us would have left then? The He calls her a dog! Read it- He did! Im pretty sure that would have taken care of the rest of us. But she doesnt leave and it doesnt appear she was going to until she got what she came for. And she did and not only did her daughter get delivered but Jesus marveled at her great faith. She had pitbull tenacity that wasnt going to let go. Do we have that? Or do we quit before we get our promise. Do we give up because He doesnt answer us right away? Or do we stand firm. I may not understand all things and i know we only see through the glass dimly right now but i dont want to go down with out a fight- like my husband. I believe there are far more promises in God's word about having a long life filled with good than that of dying young and im gonna fight like hell for what i believe the bible promises to me. Right now, im amazed. I feel like 10,000 are falling at my side and 1000 at my right hand and im really amazed at the number of men- young men- that are passing over. It's not right! No one would will EVER be able to convince me that it was God's will that my husband at 45 pass over leaving me without a husband and my sons without their dad. and likewise no one will EVER convince me that this was the way God chose to heal him. Give me chapter and verse. I dont understand it all and thats probably one of the hardest parts of this trip. But i refuse to believe and say that his death was from my Fathers hand- my heart just cant believe that.

2010-03-28T15:48:00.001-07:00

Everywhere i go i think of my husband. Starbucks, home depot, Roebucks, etc... I cant seem to drive down any street without some memory of Him coming over my heart. i was getting gas today, which is something i hate doing. It was one of the sweet things my husband used to do for me that i greatly appreciated. As i was deciding which gas to get i remembered how we use to have little arguments over which gas i put in my car. I would pick the cheapest one while he on the other hand would get one of the 2 more expensive ones trying to convince me that it was better quality and would be better for my engine. I would tell him it's all the same, they just say that to charge you more. We had that little tiff quite a few times trying to convince each other we were right. We also had one about the faster route to the 5 freeway. I would go up one street, and he would go down another one. We never actually clocked it but I would always try to convince him i was right and he would disagree and do the same. And these werent big arguments, just silly little disagreements. I remember the night I drove him to the ER. It was 9pm Thursday night oct 9 i believe. we said goodbye to the boys. isaac was so afraid he was shaking. I had to get on the 5 to go to the hospital and do you know which way i went? His way. Because in that moment of time being right just did not matter. Nothing mattered to me in that moment than him and loving him every possible way- even by getting on the freeway the way he thought was better. And anytime i have to get on the 5 now i always go the way he did. It's strange but it does something for me i just cant really explain. Life is short- even if you live a long life- it's still short. Being right isnt worth the waste of time to prove it. My husband would rarely fight with me. The things i mentioned above i wouldnt consider fighting. But if we were fighting ( or i was trying to fight with him ) and he was right he would take the blame and apologize because he new it was a waste of time. Listen, dont waste time on petty little things that so easily seem to sprout up in marriage...clothes on the floor, toilet seat up, things they do that just bug the crap out of you. But like weeds, you have to get rid of them by overcoming them or they'll take over and destroy your marriage. I had all those issues too but you know what, from where im sitting id take it all to have him back. It just doesnt matter- get over it, suck it up. Im sure i wasnt ms perfect to live with either and neither probably are you or any of us for that matter. Marriage is suppose to be a picture of the great mystery of Christ and His love for us- His bride. Its suppose to be a picture of trust (not perfection) forgiveness and unconditional love. So just love each other, do what the other wants, overlook the imperfections- be thankful that you have them!
1 corinthians 13 ...and if i have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if i have all faith , so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I AM NOTHING. Wow, thats something to sit with.

2010-03-27T15:02:00.000-07:00

Im totally enjoying this beautiful warm and windy saturday. the boys watch sat morning cartoons from 7- 12 on saturdays which gives me time to clean the house and get some laundry done. After that we worked in the backyard getting our soil ready to plant the seeds we bought yesterday. Its amazing how excited kids get over the simplest of things. Simeon and i chased a grasshoper for a few minutes and he was just elated over trying to catch it. Ben and Isaiah found two blue tail caterpillars ( not even sure thats a real thing, but oh well! ) which was like finding gold to them. they ofcourse came in and took my last two tupperware containers to make homes for them and now they are carrying their new little friends around taking such sweet care of them. Now if i could only get them to love each other like they do these bugs!
I wanted to take some time to share about how tangible and amazingly faithful my Father has been throughout this journey. The very first thing He did was 2 days after George passed. i decided to go to cottonwood church. It was a big convention weekend and i knew there would be a billion people there but i had prayed that morning and asked the Lord to lead me and sit me next to someone who had been where i was that could tell me i would be ok. I just really needed to hear those words. So i went and i chose a seat next to this lady who's name is Deborah. We said hello to each other and ofcourse i lost it and shared with her what had happened. She assured me i would be ok. and she said, " im not just saying that, im speaking from experience."she went on to tell me how 9 years ago her fiance - the man she had saved herself for her whole life- had passed away from a brain annurism ( i know i spelled that wrong- sorry ) he lived in a different city from her and when she hadnt heard from him she went to his place and found him dead. so she loved on me and told me i would never forget but that it would get easier. I dont remember any part of the message that day except the very end and it was like God was speaking directly to me. The man speaking was talking about the looking good christians. the ones who are always smiling, dressed nice, walking by us in life all happily cruising along. Then he said , but if this is you and he got down on his knees and started dragging himself across the floor, you just keep looking straight ahead at Jesus. Even if everyone around you is happily going by you just keep going, hang on, and before you know it you'll be over here and you wont know how you got there but God will carry you through just keep looking at Him. I sat there crying my eyes out because that was me, that was exactly how i felt- like i could barely even crawl. Here i sit almost 5 months later, eyes still fixed on Him and i can say He is absolutely faithful and so near to the brokenhearted! Now i am able to walk, smile even, but i do still have those days of just barely being able to do it. And on those days of not being able to cling to Him, i know He is clinging to me.
ps 62:5-8 My soul, find rest in God alone, for my hope is from Him. He only is my Rock and my Salvation, my Stronghold; i will not be moved. On God my salvation and my glory rest. The Rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

2010-03-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

today i feel like im in my own private hell while the world and other peoples lives just keep going on around me. i feel prisoner to these emotions. i dont know if as a believer i am suppose to take these thoughts and feelings captive or if i am suppose to ride it out through them. im incredibly angry and i dont feel like i can do anything right. Im taking every complaint from my children to heart. I have no outlet that seems to be working and i definately cant be screaming like i was in the car or my kids would freak. although maybe i just should do it into my pillow verses taking it out on them. I dont know. And i cant really talk to anyone about it. Even though i know they care, i think it would overwhelm them and they wouldnt know what to say. I feel like i dont know what im doing or how to even be a mom to them. I feel this huge burden that im damaging them. there is only just one of me! I cant do it all. i just feel like i cant do this. i cant raise these boys alone. I cant physically or emotionally do it. I cant get anything done because everyone wants my attention or someone is fighting with someone somewhere and if i dont get there fast enough my wonderful oldest points out how im not taking care of it! Mind you, i was on the toilet when that happened this morning. And honestly i dont want to deal with them. I AM TIRED!!!!! im tired of dealing with stupid crap every 2 minutes about who touched who or someone is ignoring someone or he has my tiny little lego piece or whatever! Its rediculous! This is my every minute of everyday, all by myself life. I dont want it. I have nothing to give. I cant listen to another story about bionicles, power miners, or starwars- i cant! and this all may sound trivial to some but i just cant do it today. I need help! I need my husband! My world is just spinning right now and im way overwhelmed by too many things.

God never ceases to amaze me! As I was typing this I had an unexpected visit from this very sweet little old Christian couple that lives around the corner from us. Ofcourse being as emotional as i am today as soon as she looked me in the eyes and asked how i was doing i completely crumbled. She immediately dropped her bags she was holding and grabbed me and would not stop hugging me. even when i tried to let her go, she still held on to me. I just love that! I love how God provides exactly what you need from a least expected source. They stayed for a bit and i got to share some of the amazing things God has done for us ( which eventually id like to share on here too ) and you know, im feeling much better. I have to overcome the " i cant's " If this anger is part of the journey then I need the Lord to show me how to deal with it in a healthy way so im not so upset with my boys. But if it's not part of this journey then i need Him to help me get the victory over it. i have a picture in my mind about how i want our family to be, i just dont know how to get us there. Plus i think i have this expectation of my boys to suddenly become quiet, thankful, cheerful and perfectly obedient and im not sure if thats even possible? Also, i need to remember that they are going through this valley as well only with a lot less understanding and a part time crazy emotional mom. And even though they dont talk to me about it much, that doesnt mean its not affecting them. I know it has to be. Please, to whoever reads this, pray for us but especially for me- i need wisdom from the Holy Spirit every second of the day. I need His peace and strength and sometimes His hand over my mouth. I need to also keep in mind that i still have an enemy who would absolutely take advantage of my brokenness right now and try to destroy me and our family. I sure feel like i need alot! Good thing nothing is impossible for our Father, that He gives wisdom to all who ask with out measure, that His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness and love towards us is everlasting.

Not sure what will come out tonight...

2010-03-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

I have so many things i want to share but im never quite sure what direction im going to go. I feel like we have been battling one sickness after another here at home. We had chicken pox and strep throat a month ago and now we have vomiting, high fevers, yucky green eye infections and bad coughs. I woke this morning at 4:30 am to Ben throwing up. And you know, that even made me miss my husband. Not that he would have been any help. He cant handle the barf o rama's , he'd been throwing up too. But i miss just having him to talk to and laugh with about it and other life things. I went out to the korean spa the other night with my sweet sister and she brought up thanksgiving for some reason. Then about 2 minutes later she said " im sorry, did i just make you think of george and get sad by bringing up thanksgiving?" I said no, because it's not actually those times that make me really sad. What i miss is him not being here when i got home from the spa to share the crazy fun time we had. I miss just doing and sharing our life together. I miss how tonight we probably would have somehow laughed about the barf fest this morning and even though he wouldnt have been much physical help to me, his presence would have given me strength and he would have encouraged me and told me he thought i am amazing and he doesn't know how i do it. Well, part of how ive always done it is that he was always behind me, or by my side. Its unbelievable how two become one flesh, and you create this life together of memories and hopes for the future. And then one day- IT'S ALL GONE- ALL OF IT. Not only the person you love, but also the life you knew. And the crazy part is that everywhere i go i see memories of what was our life at one time, but isnt now. Even just places we liked to eat at together, where we have been dozens of time- not anymore, thats over now. Or i may see a trailer loaded up with quads and think we were going to do that with the boys down the road- that was going to be our life- but not now. And I know my Father is creating a new life for us now which is strange too because i feel like i live in two different worlds sometimes. The one world that still includes my husband, that still really just thinks he's away working and will be home eventually. Thats the world i want to hold on to and still live in but we cant because it doesnt really exist anymore. Then theres the new life God is amazingly and beautifully creating for us that im drawn to because of His love and comfort. I know and believe whole heartedly that He has stepped in as my Husband and Provider and still is my Father but now is also a Father to my sons. And you can be certain im ( lovingly ) holding Him to His word. It's just a trip....unreal still at almost 5 months. I can still see his big ol sweet smile. He was always smiling, and im sure he is now even more. I remember one of the last things he said to me. I was pretty much having a breakdown, it was maybe about 2 weeks before he died. He was on a high dose of morphine so he was pretty much alseep most of the time. But every once in a while he'd have an awake moment of clarity. So i was upset and he said " come here, and let me help you " He held me and i laid my face in his neck. He said " you have to remember Jesus. He is here to help us and you have to remember to include Him in to the situation, He 's here to help. Remember Him." Those were actually the last really coherent words he spoke to me. They were beautiful to me then and they are words of life to me now. I start our everyday doing just that- remembering and including Jesus in to our life for that day. He wants to be part of our everyday life. I feel so blessed that my husband loved me with those amazing words of encouragment- exactly what i would need to get us through now. I miss him greatly!

One of my favorite songs and it speaks of where my heart is right now

2010-03-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

2010-03-18T07:49:00.000-07:00

I learned last night that a good friend and home schooling mom of 9 has been diagnosed with colon cancer. It pretty much knocked the wind out of me. So many emotions rolled over me in literally just minutes. I think i cried at first for me, for my husband for the thought that this horrible oppression of the devil ( which IS exactly what this horrible disease is ) is so close to me again- so soon. I wept for my friend, her husband and their beautiful 9 children- 6 girls and 3 boys. Then came the feelings that i hate to even admit to you, but you know, i have to share my heart and sometimes what crosses our hearts isnt always pretty. Im not sure what the exact feelings were, maybe a little jealous and angry because it looks like it is removable by surgery ( although we should always pray and never take anything for granted ) and she will live and be fine and get to stay with her family. I found it hard- again, just being brutally honest- to pray for her at first. I had been literally on my face for weeks with tears crying out for my husband and he passed. I didnt want to pray and have her be ok while my husband was gone. And i know it really isnt even about her getting better but really, i just want my husband back. It brings up the questions in your heart; why this one Lord and not mine? And all the what if's which i have determined to never camp out on. I know that sounds really bad, but dont we all experience thoughts and feelings like that at some point in our life in one area or another? Some its with not having a baby yet but all of your friends are having them. It could be someone getting blessed with money or a gift that you have been praying for. Could be finding a husband or wife and your still single. Im sure it happens to us all. And i hope no one thinks im this terrible person because i do love this woman and ofcourse i want her treatment to be successful and i want her to live to see and enjoy her childrens children. But initially, those thoughts all went through my mind. But it didnt take but a word from the Lord to set me straight by saying " what would you want if it were you ?" I would want mercy, deliverance, people lifting me up to You Lord etc... ( exactly what people are doing for me everyday right now! ) Well then, He says, give and it will be given to you. Treat others like you want to be treated. Ofcourse now i am praying those things for her, for everyone that is and will be invloved in this with her. I wont lie to you though, there still is a part of my heart that is jealous but i wont let that take root and grow in my heart. And i definately wont let it keep me from loving her through this time. And im sure It's not the only time im going to have a feeling like that. But im so thankful for the quick correction of my Father and His help to guard my heart against those things. Please, please pray for her. Her name is Vanese. She meets with the surgeon on monday. Pray that....well, what would you want if it were you?

one of my hardest days yet...

2010-03-15T05:47:00.000-07:00

i love to get up early before all the kids, make a hot cup of vanilla chai tea and sit with the Lord. Its like i get to sneak away with Him- my Love- before my world starts going. Thats what i did this morning. And my relationship has taken on a new way where instead of feeling like i have to or should read my bible and sit with Him. I now look forward to my time with my Savior-my source of life. I wanted to make sure that i shared on here about the day i had on saturday. It was by far one of the most painful days yet and i feel the need to write about it because im certain someone else will find themselves there as well. I want to just first say how incredibly thankful i am for the women God has brought into my life who have walked this road before me and are now a few years down the way. I love that i can call or email them and say hey, this is how im feeling, is this normal? and they will tell me yes and encourage me to keep going. Saturday was a doosey though! Number one rule- i think- in grieving should be if you wake up feeling emotional, you should just take it easy and not try to do really anything. Its not a day to try to train your child or argue over getting school done. Some people may not agree with that but usually their not the ones who have been in my shoes. The fruit of skipping school or letting my kids slide in behavior is not going to be nearly as bad as mom freaking out, crying, yelling, screaming and saying things she would never be able to take back. Just my opinion. So sunday started off emotional. I could physically feel angry sorrowful pain in the pit of my stomach. It was followed by just life stuff: kids fighting because someone is touching someone or looking at someone or singing a song that just bugs the other one. You know, those really big important things! :) But man, that wears me out! That was followed by my sweet little Ben knocking over my full cup of coffee onto my computer keyboard, my little dsl box was swimming, it was all over my computer. So that sent me out to the garage where i just sat and cried out to my Father. I think it was 9 am by now. So the morning carried on with just life that i just wasnt up to handling. The unthankfulness of my kids as they ordered out for their breakfast, only to not like what they got. Simeon walking behind me dumping out everything i just picked up. You know, just regular stuff that on other days i could handle, correct and deal with but that day i took it all to heart as nothing i do is ever right or good enough, im ruining my kids etc... then i was getting ready to go to a friends birthday get together and my hair dryer started making some crazy sound and really smoking and then poof, it died. Do i even need to explain that one?! So needless to say, i was not sad at all about leaving my kids for a few hours. so im on the freeway driving to her house and this song comes on about being in a flood and will He let me drown and about being consumed by His fire and wanting something beautiful to touch us. And you know, i could feel that pain inside of me and i just had it out with my God. I was crying, screaming- really shouldnt have been driving but where else could you do something like that? The only way i can really explain it was that it reminded me of labor. with each contraction your body naturally takes over as you dont really yell but you make that sound that comes from deep inside. Thats what it was like. and it pretty much sucked! and i didnt feel happy afterward either. i felt somber ( and i dont even really know what that word means :) drained like i had just been through one of Dr Phils emotional therapy groups. This was definately the day ive wanted to drink the most, smoke, find a guy ( just being honest and im sure im not the only one) really just try to deliver myself from the pain. and ofcourse i didnt do that because i know its a lie that doing those things would deliver me or even ease my pain. I know that healing comes by walking through to the end valley with my Father along side. Ive started to think though that the valley is alot longer that i initially thought. But thats ok, because my Father is with me -come what may- and nothing can take me out of His hand. I pray someone some day see's this and is encouraged by it even if it just helps them to not feel alone. God is faithful and now it is monday morning and im ok. that pain is passed- thank God! Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragment. there are no words to express how much it means to me. :)

2010-03-12T07:29:00.000-08:00

Since being touched by death, Iv been thinking alot about adam and eve. They are, after all, the ones who sold out the whole human race for a piece of fruit and a lie. Let any of us who worry about the choices our children are making take a little comfort in that. Thats pretty much the worst choice anyone could ever make. Im not going to be too hard on them though because im sure i would have done the same thing. But still, that one choice brought so much destruction. That was when fear and insecurity were birthed and given life. And Jesus,the One they use to have sweet fellowship with everyday, they now find themselves hiding from. Then having to leave the garden which contrary to what alot of people believe was not a punishment. It was actually to save us because had they eaten from the tree of life there could have been no redemption for us. we would have lived forever in that sinful state. But I try to put myself in their shoes. How they must have felt, the first time to feel fear and to be afraid of the One who had given them life. Then how they must have felt walking out of the garden of eden. Eden means the heart of God. What a walk that must have been. Seriousely think if it was you, how would you have felt? I think i would have felt sorrow almost to the point of death. And i wonder where did they set up their place to live? how far did they go from the entrance to the garden? i would have pitched my tent right outside the entrance. And i think the worst part would have been to not walk in the sweet presence of their Creator anymore EVER again! Yes, He did make a place where His Glory would come but thats not nearly the same as daily walking with Him.
Then I thought about God- our Father. How He must have felt! He, being all knowing, knew that was the day His children were going to doubt Him and believe the devil over Him. I wonder how He felt calling adam in the garden that day? How He felt that His children were hiding afraid of Him. Think about it. Knowing that He was going to have to separate Himself from them and that they were going to leave the garden and not walk daily with Him. I bet His heart broke. Even though He is God, He still grieves. He cries, it says in Jeremiah, over the unbelief of His children and the consequences that brings to them. These were His first hand creations, that They fashioned in Their image, that He knelt down and breathed His life and His spirit into. It's amazing to me, His plan and the great lengths He goes to to show us how much He loves us and just wants to restore to us what was lost that day. He wants us to trust Him- not be perfect- but to trust Him. He wants to be our Father, our Dad! Im counting on that one right now! You really cant even wrap your mind around it it's so incredible and unbelievable. Just some things ive been thinking about....

2010-03-08T21:20:00.000-08:00

I cant believe it's been a month since i posted here...the time seems to fly by and go really slow all at the same time! Started to clean out the garage today. I was going through years of paper work and other things and i found quite a few little treasures- letters that we had written each other and pictures of great times together. It was strange though because i found myself almost frantically searching for any piece of him, of us. anywhere i had just written " i love you " on i ripped off and put it in my pocket. It is so crazy to be going through years of life stuff that i shared with him, everything brought back memories. It's almost impossible to even think of throwing it away, and its only papers! Yet, it seems to erase our life away. Tonight has been rough. I think im going a long fine and then one little thing happens ( although looking back over the day i can see it was a build up of things ) and im over the edge. What was different about tonight though is that i couldnt find rest. I did my usual things that help me through these moments but tonight they didnt seem to work for me. As i was walking in circles in the backyard toiling inside I heard the Lord's sweet voice saying " Come to Me....and i will give you rest." But see, im of the nature that i like to power through my feelings, sweat em out somehow by cleaning, excercising etc...but i know coming to Him means a time of feeling the anger and feeling the sorrow to get to that rest and tonight i just dont want to! Its really about surrendering. Surrendering to the truth that my husband is dead. He will never be here with us again, he's not coming home, i will never hold him close, feel him , laugh with him, lean on him, be comforted by him ever again- ever! My boys....i wont even start down that road! And yes, we will see him again but thats really no comfort for the now. But I cant go there! I cant! I think to surrender to the magnitude of that would overtake me. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.... But, God is faithful, as He again just whispered to me! He is my Father, and if He says come to Him to find my rest, that's what im going to do because He will take care of me and like ive said before, im passing through this valley. Im not stopping and camping anywhere along the way. And if i avoid anything id just be pitching a tent here in the valley and id be there until i did. So, im going to go sit with my Father, the One who loves me more that I can even imagine, and rest safely in Him.

2010-02-07T15:48:00.001-08:00

It has been a rough couple of days. im stuck in the unbelief that my husband is gone. Im angry, and i mean really angry! and that anger is wrapped in deep sorrow- like a pit. I looked up grieve in the dictionary and one of the best definitions is deep mental anguish. I would have to add physical anguish as well. It sucks to walk in my life right now. it sucks to go somewhere for the day and drive home to my life, to the sober reality of my empty house, to think no one is there to share things with yet all my friends have their husband and get to share with them. Dont get me wrong, i have my boys and i dearly love them but this is what lives inside of me, always lingering. It sucks and Its just wrong! Ben, my 5yo, asked me last night if daddy was ever coming back. Isaiah has been crying to me telling me he misses his dad and cries at night alone in his bed. You know honestly i said to the Lord this is "bleeped" up!!! But to Him i didnt bleep it. And you know, Im sure He didnt fall off His throne when He heard it- so dont any of you who read this. He hears our thoughts anyways. I just keep saying to myself- this cant be! It cant be! Really, Lord? I just want to scream!!!! im actually realizing that screaming in a controlled way helps. ( i dont mean yelling at the kids! ) so much is racing through my head. Things id rather not even give voice to; temptations and the lies whispered by the enemy. I know how to fight through this. Thank you for Your Word Lord. Ps 77 What God is Great like our God? You are the God who works Wonders.

2010-02-04T05:03:00.000-08:00

Good morning! While my intention with this blog was to share my journey and prayerfully help someone else, im finding it hard to find the time to get on here. Iv heard you have to post 3 times a week to keep followers but i dont know if thats going to happen at this season in my life. My focus right now is on my Father in heaven. We were talking in bible study yesterday about our attitude toward God. About how when we hear someone has a word for us from Him ( which YES, still really happens ) we automatically get afraid and say Oh no, whats it going to be. Someone had a dream about me and they were sharing it with me and right away i was afraid that i was going to make this really bad decision and be in all kinds of trouble. But doesn't the Spirit of our Father speak, express Himself, and move to serve for some purpose. Doesnt the scripture say the gifts or the expressions of the Holy Spirit whether they are tongues, prophecy, words of wisdom etc...are for building up and edification. Even if they may not be pleasant, shouldnt we instead of going all doom and gloom on Jesus, be thankful for the heads up! I dont see anywhere in scripture where it was the way of our Father to show us our bad choices to come just to make us afraid. I do though, see time and time again where God says Hey, listen up, turn back to me or this is what's going to happen. Speaking to serve and keep us out of trouble. So my practice starting yesterday is to constantly be remembering that my Father loves me- which really is a foundational belief we have to have, or how can we ever trust Him. Isnt that why He got angry with them in the wilderness? Because they were always putting Him to the test and they never came to know His ways. They never came to know Him as their dad. Right away ( like me ) they are freaking out at the edge of the red sea. Never mind the amazing things they had just watched God to in egypt with the plagues, passover and oh ya, and everyone in egypt giving them all their money and stuff to get them to leave. Then God, our Father, parts the sea for them to walk through on dry land - not even any muddiness or anything and He then swallows up their enemies with the water. You would think that would be all they needed to ever experience about our Father to never doubt Him again. Nope! Right away, they are grumbling about food and water and moses bringing them out there to die and how they wished they could go back to egypt so they could eat whatever they wanted! Are you kidding me??!! Most of us would love to see those things, those miracles. And most of us probably believe that if we only could see those things we'd be able to believe in Him and trust Him. Iv thought it, havent you? But, i dont think so. And God says of them: they never came to know My ways. They never came to know He loves them. They didnt come to know that He would never leave them, that He would provide all that they needed and they never came to know He was out for their good. They believed He would let them starve, and even when He gave them bread from heaven which is a beautiful picture of Jesus, they missed that part and complained because they wanted meat. They believed He would let them starve, dehydrate, not protect them and just let them die out there in the wilderness. How can that be? How could they ( and us too ) be so unconvincible in their hearts about His love and good plans for them? After all He did and they saw in egypt, how could they not come to know His ways? Well, thats what im working on. And im certainly glad they are in there, because ofcourse we all mess up and yes, He does have patience and grace with us. But the scripture says they are an example to us of how not to be. Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts like they did in the wilderness where they tested Him for 40 years. There is a foundational truth that comes actually even before Christ dying for us. We all know it, most of the world probably even does. John 3:16 For God so loved the world...He loved us first and as an act of love and to show His great love when we were in our worst possible state He didnt just leave us out there to die or fend for ourselves.He didnt just say to adam and eve: well you blew it for the whole world, now im not going to help you go deliver yourselves. No, He took on the whole responsibility on Himself of covering us so that we could come back into His presence. Even if He never did another thing for us, dont we have the single most greatest picture of love demonstrated ever in Christ's death for us? Isnt that enough to never doubt His love and kind intentions for us? That -alone- should be. Father, help us to come to know your ways. Just like we know and are so familiar with the ways of our friends, husbands, wives and parents, may we spend time with you, look to you , have the courage to believe You are who You say you are. And may we strive to rest in Your faithfulness and in Your beautiful and undeserved love for us. I hate to end with this, but Im reminded of a scripture i think in jeremiah where God talks about how the people will go out of their way and strive to look for a lover and isnt that true? Remember when we first got married how we all were? Or even before we knew Christ? How you would give up food, sleep, tv time or whatever to talk to or be with that person. If we could just turn that attention toward God and seek Him with that same intensity in our hearts we would be less afraid and rest knowing He is our Dad and He's watching out for our good. This wasnt at all what i intended to write about this morning but i did pray Jesus would guide my hand and thats what came up. I will try to post again in a few days because i want to share some of the great things He is doing for us. :)

2010-01-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

Just missing him....

I hate trying to title things :)

2010-01-16T19:51:00.000-08:00

I have had 2 dreams about my husband since he passed. the first one was that he was alive but dying again. The second one was a few days ago. My son isaac and i were in the living room and we saw his truck pull in like he had done for years. I was in the kitchen and he walked in, grabbed me by my arm and pulled me to him. we were hugging and knew we hadnt seen each other in a long time. we wanted to go make love just so we could be as close to each other as physically possible. But we couldnt because isaac was still awake. Strangely, i think the second dream was more painful than the first. I think the hardest thing about being in emotional pain is that there is no escape from it. I cant drink it away or drug it away, or stuff it away. I cant even pray it away. you have to just walk through it and heal slowly over i guess a certain period of time. although no one can tell you how much time it will take, I can tell you it feels like forever and for me its only been 2 months. and here i sit again Lord- broken. Still not able to believe that this is now my life. And im so tired of feeling this way. Im so tired of crying, of being angry, of feeling different everywhere i go. I feel like i should be getting over this already but i cant! I dont have a choice about it and that really bothers me to! i cant speed it up or control it at all. i still just want to scream and yell and even say some words that i shouldnt but you know sometimes those words are the only ones that really express what youre feeling. Its not just that he's gone but that part of the oneness that we become when we're married has been ripped away from my spirit and my heart and i just cant explain the depth of that loss. I cant even imagine what the boys are feeling or even his mom. But i also have never been more thankful for our Father, that He is all powerful, and for His plan of salvation and doing away with death. And on top of that He gave us the Holy Spirit to be our Comforter! I know this wasnt what He wanted for us. But He still put in place everything we need to get through it. I am so looking forward to His return to take us home where we will be with Him forever. where He will wipe away every tear forever! Come soon Lord!
Jeremiah 31:3-4 ( I just opened my bible right to this verse ) The Lord appeared to me from afar, saying, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt.

Sigh...

2010-01-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, this is pretty hard and really it feels impossible to survive through losing him- never mind actually "living". I hope i dont portray to anyone who reads this that this valley that im walking through is easy for me or that im even really that strong- because im not. My dad has been staying with us and i do love him and appreciate his help but it also puts a burden on me at times to hold it all together. You cant just curl up in a ball on the floor crying infront of your dad. well, i guess i could, but really i like to keep those moments private between me and my heavenly Father. Today i just couldnt hold it anymore. im selling quite a few things that were my husbands. and while everyone keeps telling me ( and i know they mean well ) that they're just "things" theyre still his things that are bits and pieces of him and slowly he is disappearing from before my eyes. i know i hold him in my heart but still... and ofcourse simeon cried pretty much all day. he kept wanting to go sit in his dads car and just kept calling for his dad. it's gut wrenching to say the least and just plain wrong! it's wrong that a child has to lose their parents and its wrong that every single day i have to say to my 2 yo that im sorry daddy's not here anymore. and its also wrong for parents to lose their children. it's all wrong! And death just sucks! so all of that just led me out infront of my house where i just sat on the little rock wall and curled up in a ball and wept. i live on a pretty busy street right infront of a stop sign and i could hear the cars stop and then go by and i wondered if people saw me. i wondered if they could tell i was crying. i wondered if anyone thought of checking to see if i was ok or if anyone prayed for me. then i wondered what i would do if i saw someone hurting, crying. would i move past the awkwardness of approaching a stranger for the opportunity to love them and help ease their burden? honestly before this i probably wouldnt have. i would have just quietly prayed for them- and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all! but wouldnt it be even better to hold them and pray with them. i am so much more interested in people now. and i look for an opportunity to ask people how they are. its amazing what people will pour out of their heart to you, if we just take some time to listen. i mean, isnt that why we are here? to love God first and then to love others. i think sometimes that we get too wrapped up in the things of this world. granted, some of them are valid but everything that isnt faith is just going to burn. i think we need to remember more that this world is not our home ( thank God!) and that we are just passing through. those last few days before george went home to heaven i didnt care if my house was clean. schooling the kids was pretty low on my priority list. i just wanted to love him and encourage him. and not that its not important to do those other things but i guess when you come face to face with the absolute truth that death is REAL and God is not actually so far away that you realize it is our choices regarding eternity that REALLY matter. the things that wont burn the treasures that we store up in heaven that im sure we end up laying at the feet of our beautiful Savior because He Alone is Worthy!

Striving...

2010-01-06T18:48:00.000-08:00

Im striving tonight and i hate it. You can always tell when you are striving because your mind spins and you have no rest. I think its the "not knowing" of things thats the hardest. Or really maybe its the wanting of something so bad and being afraid that its not what God wants. Yep, thats it! And yet He tells us He wont with hold any good thing from us. Why cant i just give Him my burden? Its strange...do we think by not giving Him our burdens, concerns and desires that somehow by not surrendering it we have control of it? Does that make sense? For example, i want more than anything ( except for having my husband back ) to stay in our home. It is a refuge for me of memories and security and love. And there's a part of me that doesnt want to give this want up to the Lord because im afraid He would move us somewhere else. So if i hold onto it as tight as i can He wont be able to do He wants. Isnt that quite a deception on my part? I mean really, He is God Almighty, I cant stop Him. And why cant my heart rest in Him that He is my Dad and He knows whats best for us. He wouldnt move us from here to purposely hurt me, but im sure to give us something even better. Its kinda sad actually because it shows my lack of trust in His love for me. But even at that, im going to keep staying as close to Him as humanly possible and trust His Spirit to work out those things in my heart. I miss my husband. Its so strange all the different emotions im going through. God is being so faithful and doing so many wonderful things that my heart is joyful. But on the flip side, i wish i could share them with my best friend. I wish i could rest my head in his neck and just love him and rejoice together in God's faithfulness.
Psalm 46:10 (i combined a couple of different translations )
Cease striving, let go of your concerns, be at peace in the knowledge that I Am God!

2010-01-06T17:10:00.000-08:00

This is my family: my husband George, he went home to heaven nov 6, 09. Those other rascals are my boys: Isaac 9, Isaiah 7, Benjamin 4, and Simeon is 2. This was taken just 9 months ago! loving and missing him!

can't sleep tonight...

2010-01-05T23:21:00.000-08:00

couldnt sleep tonight so i thought id eat some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and do some writing...someone asked me today- how am i doing this. How am i making it through each minute of each day? You know, honestly, i dont know! I believe it's the beautiful grace of God that carries us in these heavy times. I also believe He sets the boundaries even for grief and sorrow so that we arent overtaken by it. I just know and have known it from the beginning of this that He is holding me in one hand and covering me with His other hand and even though im in a huge raging storm im safe and hidden near to Him. Our Father is faithful is all i can really say. And i am relying on Him every minute of every day right now and He is realer to me than iv ever known before and for that i am so thankful. Jesus promised to never leave us and even if He tried to leave me right now im holding on to Him with a death grip and He wouldnt be able to leave if He tried! :) That doesnt mean that i dont freak out sometimes and hide under my covers crying and missing my man- because i do! Last night i was even considering getting his ashes from my mom and trying to raise him from the dead! Ofcourse my heart and the hearts of my boys are broken. My 2yo daily calls out dadee over and over wanting to look at his pictures and daily i wonder if i can do this without him--God knows I dont want to and im still mad sometimes that im going to have to. But God is our anchor and our hope- isnt He? Isnt that why we read and study His word and develop our relationship with Him so that when disaster comes ( and trouble of some form comes to us all ) we know we can run to Him- our Refuge- and trust Him to take care of us- even when we may not understand all things. I do miss him though. I miss his smile and hearing him laugh mostly and i miss his strength and his strong arms around me. I miss when he would get home everyday and the kids would hear his truck and get excited and run to greet him. I miss having coffee with him in the morning. i miss taking care of him. Believe it or not, i even miss his snoring. Death is painful and sorrowful! But praise God that He had a plan to overcome death and to one day due away with it completely. What a glorious day that will be! well, im going to go climb in bed with all my little guys and get some sleep. just wanted to add...this morning a sweet sister of mine sent me a text saying how we Can have joy during our darkest time because the comfort we receive from our Father IS GREATER than our pain and our sorrow--thats exactly how i feel ( just couldnt put it into words) and how im walking through this time.

will i ever be happy again?

2010-01-03T17:35:00.000-08:00

Will I ever be happy again? Seriously, will I? I feel like im in an ocean of sorrow and i cant see land. Oh, I love the Lord! Even as i just wrote that last sentence, i had this vision run across my eyes of Jesus appearing in a boat in the middle of the ocean and asking me to get in with Him and I did and now amazingly- I am smiling. Romans 15: 13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit! Take Courage, Our Father IS Faithful!!

cant think of a title tonight

2009-12-25T20:01:00.000-08:00

I dont know that i have anything meaningful to say tonight, just how i feel. I thought i was prepared for this holiday but it did hit me harder that i expected and -even though i love my Savior- im glad its over! Its a good thing i have my boys or i would have forsure gone out and bought myself a bottle of tequila last night. I know that there is no help for me there but i just wanted to be numb and escape my life and thoughts for a while. Tonight i was standing outside and i just wanted to yell -my husband is dead! I feel like im dying inside, my whole life as i knew it is over! My friend, my love, the person who loved me with all my faults is gone. I have no idea where im going to live, whats going to happen to us, if im going to have to go to work, if im going to have to take my kids away from their friends and put them in public school. Im carrying the burden of doing 2 jobs - his and mine-on my shoulders and it totally sucks!!! Its unbearable! Lord, really??? This wasnt how it was suppose to be! Thats some of what iv been living with yesterday and today mixed with incredible sorrow and feeling like a failure of a mother. Im not looking for sympathy. I just want to be honest- as if i were writing in my private journal-because im sure these are normal thoughts and feelings people have when they are grieving. It's totally painful and all you can do is keep putting one foot infront of the other ( even though you dont ant to ) and try to remember to feed your kids :) which im told if you get that much done you are doing pretty good! I dont want to sound all fluff and bull on here incase anyone else hurting reads this. And while everything i said above is what this moment is like for me, i Know Jesus is walking this valley right beside me the whole way. I Know He is leading me through and eventually out.I Know that when the sorrow comes like a flood and i have to lay down and cry that He is laying right there beside me- because He said He will NEVER leave me. I Know that im one day closer to healing then yesterday - even if today was a harder day than yesterday. I Know that my Father in heaven understands my sorrow because His very own Son died on a cross for me and for you. And I Know that if He went to that great length for me than i know He will be faithful to carry us through this. So if anyone who reads this is hurting- hang on, hang on to Jesus and know He is hanging on to you. You will be ok!

Luke Ch 6:27-38 & Some thoughts on giving...

2009-12-23T21:39:00.000-08:00

I love verse 27 " But I say to you who hear " I could just sit with that one verse for a while. You mean we " may not hear?" Surely our ears work right? We want to be hearers, dont we? I sure do. But after hearing that, you automatically know that what's going to come next is going to be something you wont want to hear, and for sure something hard that you wouldnt naturally want to do. So let's see. Im just going to make a list of the things Jesus mentioned to do for those of us who hear:
love your enemies
do good ( yes good! ) to those who hate you
give to everyone who asks of you without expecting anything in return
be merciful
dont judge
dont condemn
pardon/ release
And what happens when we do those things? Verse 38 Give, and it will be given to you; good measure , pressed down, shaken together, running over, THEY will pour into your lap. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you. I have heard this scripture used so many times in relation to giving money and that may be part of it. But giving encompasses way more then just money. Jesus said "they" would pour into your lap. I believe the they is the things He tells you to give--mercy, love, forgiveness, good things, freedom and grace. Those things will over flow into our lives and dont we all want those things? I also understand it's hard to do those things and thats why He is only speaking to those who hear- it's our choice.
Iv been looking at myself and how i give since all this started to happen with my husband. I have friends who i know have been on their faces crying and praying for me and my family consistantly since day one and they are still praying even more for us now. They stayed with me in to the early morning ours in the hospital. They have- more times than i can count- listened to me as i have wept uncontolably on the phone, having no idea what to say to me but listened to me still. They have loved me in a way i could never ever express in words and i wish i could put it in their hearts how much i love them for it! But i wondered, would i have done that for them? Would i have consistantly prayed for them with tears all day long? Or would i have just thrown out a -thank you Lord for taking care of them and gone about my day? When people ask me to pray for them do i take it seriously to me Father or in my heart treat it like its not really a big deal? Am I really loving people? Are you?
The second thing iv been looking at is how do i give. i have recieived an abundance of canned food and other things during the last few weeks. A few things have caught my eye like sardines, powdered milk, expired diet meals. Please dont get me wrong, I am thankful but it has caused me to look at what i give to people. I mean really, did someone go out and buy sardines thinking that was a good thing to give someone? and the expired diet food? Or was that the junk left in the back of their cupboard? And honestly, thats exactly how i would have given. Whatever was in my cupboard that i hadnt used is what i would give. How sad is that! God help me to be a hearer and a giver like Christ. Its a journey where im at right now. God is certainly showing me quite a bit and not all of it is nice. But i know He loves me, He is absolutely faithful and He shows us things to benefit us, not to hurt or shame us. I know this was long. I appreciate it if anyone actually read the whole thing! just some things I think are worth considering. :)

hmmm

2009-12-20T15:40:00.000-08:00

I keep hearing it will "be better" after the holidays are over. I know people are sincerely trying to encourage me but lets see...after christams comes new years. After new years is our anniversary, then Ben's birthday. Feb is valentines day which always got me a hand made card from George with something sweet written in it. april is passover and easter and about the time he started getting sick. may is my birthday which again he always hand made a card for me and wrote me a letter. july is a kicker- simeon's birthday is the 14th, isaac's is the 23rd and george's is- was- the 31st. sept we had a special private memory together, oct was when he went into the hospital and then we're back to november when he went home to be with the Lord! So i think that theory's kinda blown. Again though, i appreciate their intention. what i find though is that it's not those things that are difficult to get through, you know they're coming. It's the unexpected things that hit you that you aren't expecting like hearing the aerosmith song " dont want to close my eyes" while your eating lunch in red robin, its seeing other families together with a husband/ dad walking and laughing and realizing thats not us anymore It's the thought of -oh no, theyre going to want to do family pictures at christmas-- but this isnt my family anymore!!!! My husband is missing, part of me is missing, PART OF US IS MISSING!!!! It's those things that just hit you out of no where that sink your heart. But, I Know, My Father is Faithful. And I know He is carrying us through this and even when it doesnt look like it or feel like it, i know we are healing everyday and are one day closer to being out of the valley of weeping. and not that you ever forget or still dont get sad but i know there is a healed place you get to at the end of the grieving process. So, until then im ( we are ) hidden in My Father's safe hands, close to His heart that loves me (us) so much He gave the life of His son as a ransom for me. So Thankful for That!

2009-12-16T05:32:00.000-08:00

Isaiah 43 But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator... Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine! When you Pass Through the waters, I will be with you; and Through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you Walk Through the fire, you will not be scorched; for I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior. You are precious and I love you; do not fear for I am with you.
I love how God says exactly what you need to hear-- Dont be afraid, Im with you, your Mine, Iv called you, I bought you, nothing can take you out of My hand, You'll make it through, Im right there in it with you, I will never leave you and I love you. Isnt that what every single one of us wants and needs and longs to hear our whole life?! The world offers many counterfiets for that and if youre like me you tried a few of them, only to be left more broken than before. Oh what a beautiful moment it was though when we i touched the truth of my Saviors love for me. I am in awe of Him and so thankful that He is able. Able to deliver, able to heal, able to redeem, able to love, able to hold the boundries of anything that comes our way, He is able to overcome, hide us in a storm, able to hear every word we say to Him, able to see us, able to run to our aid, He is able to stand at the right hand of the Father and intercede for us, He was able to overcome sin and conquer fear and death and set those of us who were bound by it- FREE. For that Lord, You Are Worthy! Thank You

God Is so good!

2009-12-13T20:49:00.000-08:00

Today is much better than yesterday. Thank God the sorrow passes and you can live again. I am so thankful for my sweet Savior and His faithfulness- even when i am blaming Him and upset with Him. He sticks it out with our humaness and He NEVER leaves us. Who is like the Lord our God? Tonight i shake my head in amazement of His unfailing love towards us. Praise Your Holy Name!

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

2009-12-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

It's been a really, really tough day today! Frankly, i feel like im walking through the valley of anger today. Im mad, and im mad at God- and it breaks my heart to even say that, but it's how i feel. He knows, so I might as well be honest with anyone who reads this. Really Lord? this is how it's going to be? Really?!!! I can't do this Lord, I can't!!! I can't do this alone, i need him, i need You! I feel like im in a whirl wind. My kids are out of control, they fight and pick on each other all day long! There is only one of me! I want to love them and have joy and come together but dont know how to get that to happen. I feel so sad for them. Ben is just out of control. He is so angry all the time. It's heart breaking. He has no understanding but just tells me he misses daddy and prays he is ok in heaven. I just keep shaking my head in disbelief...this can't be happening to us...this can't be our life!

ps 39 Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; do not be silent at my tears
And now Lord, for what do i wait? My hope is in Thee.

2009-12-11T08:11:00.000-08:00

Our Story

2009-12-11T06:46:00.000-08:00

Our story...
I always have to start my story with when i gave my life to Christ because that's really when life began for me. For many years i was on a pretty bad road. I was full of rage, bitter, just tormented inside. I tried everything i could to help myself but nothing worked and i believed i had no hope. I use to just fall on the ground and beg God to kill me. I didnt care how He did it because nothing could hurt worse then the pain i was living in. But, through an amazing set of circumstances, God instead reached His hand down to me and pulled me out of the hell i was living in and through a variety of different people i found out that Jesus Christ loves me and had given His life for me. I love Him for it- how could you not- and Iv been following Him since.
About 2 years after that, i was working in a coffee house and my husband started coming in every day with his bible for coffee. At first i didnt really like him. You see, i was very legalistic when i first became a christian and i thought i knew it all and it was my job to tell you how you should live your life. :) Well, my husband would pretty much tell me i was wrong and either show me the truth in the Word or he'd tell me to go look it up myself which i would do and ofcourse i discovered i was wrong! Needless to say, he wasnt scoring many points with me and some days i would even hide in the back when i saw him coming! Makes me smile now thinking about it. Well, he didnt go away and eventually through our talks and bible studies i came to love him. It was long after that- maybe 8 months- that we got married and we had our reception in that coffee house.
To catch you up to now...we have 4 beautiful boys. All of the were born at home. My husband delivered each one and his strong arms and sweet face were the first things they felt and saw. Isaac is 9, Isaiah is 7, Benjamin is 4, and Simeon is 2. My husband was a general contractor and i have always stayed at home to take care of and home school our boys- something we both saw great value in.
I guess it was around July of this year, my husband started having some diarrhea. You need to understand my husband was the strongest man i have ever known. One time a saw fell down his face and he just got some super glue, went in the bathroom and glued his face back together and went back to work- thats just how he was. So he figured he just had the runs like most guys would think. It went on for about 2 months and got progressively worse. We went to the ER oct 9 and they told him he had a cancerous tumor in his colon and that the cancer had spread to his liver. We immediately turned our faces to the wall ( 2 kings 20: 1-11 ) . There was really nothing the Dr.'s could do and my husband was one who would rather put his trust in the Lord then in men. Like he said to the social worker- I have a heavenly Father who loves me and with a word He created everything we see and until a man can come and tell me he can do that I think im better off in His hands! He was in the hospital for 5 days and then came home, but his pain was not managed so we went back to the er and by just a few days later the cancer had spread to his stomach and lungs. He didnt want to be in the hospital, so we came home still leaving it in the hands of our Father. 2 or 3 days later he woke up and his eyes were pretty yellow and i knew in my heart that there wasnt much time left. So you know, i spent every minute of every day (even while we were in the hospital) by his side just loving on him, kissing him, smelling him, telling him what a great husband and dad he is and how much we love him. November 6 he went home to be with the Lord. He was in my arms and i loved on him and kissed him until there was no breath left in his body. He wasnt perfect, but he was my best friend and my love-we miss him greatly!