I feel today like a well of sorrow is almost overcoming me. One of those days that I'd like to just climb into bed and cry to my Father. But I don't have time to cry, or to grieve. Can't it just go away already, it's been nearly 2 years???? I'm so tired of crying. And yet even as I sit here the tears stream my face... I ask Him again for the millionth time; How do I do this Lord? How do I do this alone? How do I provide for them? How do I take care of all of their needs? How do I do his job? How do I educate them? How do I grow their character? How do I love them and find joy in them when Im frustrated and overwhelmed and can't get one minute to myself? How do I pour You into their little hearts... How do I give Lord when I have nothing left??? I feel alone, exhausted, heavy burdened. Funny how you can feel alone but yet I know I'm so loved. And what about me Lord? Who will love me? A 40 yo mom of 4 little boys? Not an ideal date. And I know I'm so much more than that but will someone take time to see that? Is there a man with such courage or so crazy? Who will be able to look past our circumstances and have a heart for me? Someone who could love children that aren't theirs? And do I want to risk giving my heart to another? The risk of being hurt, them not loving you back... losing someone again ...Ugh! Is it even worth it??? I hate risk. I like security, the comfort of my husband who was growing old with me, stood firm by my side, loving during even the ugly times. I miss him. I wish I could say that life without him has gotten easier, but it really hasn't. It's different, harder even in some respects.

So this is just me venting my thoughts, my heart. I'm sure I'm not alone in them. It's been almost 2 years now and while life is generally good I can still feel the wound, always carrying with me the pocket of sorrow as one of my dear friends put it, still sometimes wishing for the time when he was and the pain was not...

We went to the Aquarium of the Pacific this morning with my home school group. One of my friends who went just found out her husband has cancer. I was uneasy about going to begin with because the last time I had been to the aquarium it was when George was sick, just 2 months before he died. I remember the day so clearly. I remember how I felt leaving him altho he told us to go because he was going to go to work (which he wasn't able to do.) When I got to the Aquarium that day I some how lost all my money and I remember calling him crying because I just felt like the devil was trying to destroy our life. He, being my rock, of course reassured me of God's faithfulness. But still death and destruction seemed to just linger with me that day. I can still feel it now. So here I was today, now 2 years later, walking along side my friend and strangely feeling like I was talking to myself. It was surreal and again my focus for what really matters in this life became vividly clear. She talked with me about repentance for how she had treated her husband. Not that she was a bad wife but it's so easy in a busy family for us wives to shuffle our husband to the bottom of our priorities. After all, we have lots of children to care for, school to teach, a house to clean, and a bunch of other justifications for our sin. And it is sin. God has an order for the family; Him, husband, kids, everything else. If thats not the order in your life then it's not good- even if it doesn't look like anythings wrong- it is wrong and eventually you will bear the fruit of it. She told me about how she's changing and loving him more now, tells him and shows him. Why does it take the possibility of losing someone to make us love them the way we know we should???

I had dinner with another widow a few weeks ago. She, another wonderful wife, living with the regrets of not spending more time with her husband. Remembering all the times he would ask her to go places with him, just simple places like home depot but she would just say no because she just wasn't interested. Now she wishes she had the time to go anywhere with him as long as she could just be with him.

For me the struggle or excuse is that there never seems to be enough time for me to do everything I need to. I am raising 4 boys who require my attention constantly and usually at the same time as well. I am doing 3 bible studies, home schooling, teaching in a coop, laundry baskets are ever flowing with dirty clothes, loads of clean laundry all my bed, dishes needing wash, food that needs to be cooked, bills that need to be paid and my list goes on. And you know tonight I was trying to do some of that stuff and Simeon came in wanting to play basketball with me and I told him i was too busy and sent him away. He came back in a few minutes later and asked me to hold him and give him kisses and you know I had to force myself to stop doing the dishes and sit down for a few minutes and love on my boy. What is wrong with me??? Why is it so hard for us -me- to let go us these things that don't matter. Why is it so hard for me to get it? Is our house being clean more important then tying strings of fellowship with our families? Is there anything so crucial that we can't greet our husband at the front door with a kiss and a smile? Is Jesus going to say to us, well done good and faithful servant, your dishes were always done and your laundry baskets were always empty??? I desperately need to slow down and retrain myself in what's really important- to God. It's the Mary vs Martha thing. Mary's at Jesus's feet and martha's busy working. And I love what Jesus says to martha in luke 10:42. I crossed out martha's name and put mine there. But Jesus says to her.. you are worried and bothered about so many things but only a few things are necessary, really only one, for mary has chosen the good part... It's interesting to me that it says martha was "distracted" with all her preparations or services. We need to be very careful of anything- even seemingly good things- that distract us from the things that really matter. When George was sick, I spent every minute by his side, talking to him, serving him even if that meant sitting next to him while he was sleeping. I loved him without regret, like there was no tomorrow, because I knew eventually there would be no tomorrow for us. How are you loving? Are you loving? How would your husband and kids answer that? Let's be honest. Let's not wait. I am being ever reminded that life is short. None of us but God knows the number of our days. Let loving God, our husbands and children be our highest calling and our greatest quest! What else matters?

You have collected my tears in Your bottle...

Thinking about him alot tonight. So much that I can't sleep. Just looking out the window wishing to hear his big diesel truck pull into the driveway again and watch the boy's excitement as they realized their Dad was home. Each one of them would recognize the sound as he was coming up the street and would race outside to meet him. I miss him. They miss him. I don't even know what to call him? It doesn't sound right to call him George because i never did. I called him Babe or Honey. I still have his cell phone number in my phone under Honey. Sometimes I think about even calling it. Obviously i know he won't answer but I miss calling him. I miss our 3 or 4 little conversations a day or him just saying; hey beautiful, i love you. Things you never really think about. So Im thinking tonight about how God takes into account our wanderings and puts our tears- mine and yours- in a bottle and how they are all in His book. There's something really beautiful about that to me... I feel like tonight im wandering. Wandering through more memories of a life that should be joyful but they're not joyful. New memories stir up the sorrow like Im back at the beginning again. It's gut wrenchingly painful and sad and the sorrow always awakens some anger and it's just... grieving. But God, my Father, the Lover of my soul, keeps track of every one of these times that I go through this. He is so near and concerned and so intimately acquainted with this part of me that He takes each one of my tears and puts them in His bottle AND every ache of my heart is recorded in his book.

Did you know that? Did you know that God cares about every tear you shed? That He see's every tear? Knows every heart ache? Hears every word- even the ones you can't speak? That He's right here with us in our wanderings, our wrestlings, our dark moments in the middle of the night. He knows all about it. There's just something really intimate and beautiful about that to me. He's really that near to touch the tears on my face... I'll love Him forever for that, for His faithfulness and His gentle love for us. It's such a beautiful gift to know Him this way.

psalm 56:8

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.

another translation

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

I hate worrying. I hate it when you wake up during the night and you have the temptation to worry. You know, a certain thought comes into your mind and then the battle starts. The worry thought comes, then God's word comes. Worry comes, God's word and on it goes. Meanwhile your adrenalin starts racing and by the time you've determined to rest in God, you're wide awake. Hence, me sitting here at 4am. I understand why Jesus said "Do not worry." I can see very clearly why "do not fear" is the thing He commanded most in one form or another because Im sure one our greatest temptations is to be afraid. Fear is a thief. And worry is the fruit of fear.

I feel like I have been through the ringer these last few weeks or so. I wish I could tell you the whole story in detail but it would be too long. Some of it I have already shared. While we were finishing up the work on the house I got pneumonia so Im already weak. After that I had strep throat. Then I came home to my house that morning and someone had gotten into the garage and stolen some things. At the end of pneumonia I had something else wrong, not sure still what it was, but I felt like I was in transitional labor for a few weeks. I was taking atleast 20 ibuprofen a day. My back hurt, my stomach hurt, all symptoms that George had had. So you can only guess what was being whispered in my ear. So we're living back home at this point, but I wasn't sleeping very much because I was afraid. Every sound I would here, every time a sensor light went on outside my heart would start racing. So then I went out to my car one morning and someone had been inside my car. My door was unlocked but the rest of the doors were locked, which is strange considering my doors automatically lock. So they took some things. (didn't get some other things though) And Im thinking... Is someone watching us? Is this the same person who stole our things from the garage? Are they going to try to get in the house too? On and On. And just as I was determining to not be afraid I started getting creepy text messages from people I didn't know and Im hit again. So as the labor like pains were ending I had a consistent pain in left side of my stomach so I went in to the Dr. He did an xray and said there's no blocks or tumors- thank God! Then at last minute he decided to do a test on my pancreas because it's close to that area. So I got a higher than normal test result which just freaked me out and sent me spiraling. So I go back to the Dr. he re-ran the test and it turns out IT was wrong- thank God again! Meantime Im trying to muscle up some faith because believe me- I had none. And it seemed like everytime i would try to gird up I would be hit with something else. I was bombarded. And even my well intended friends, who I know love me and would never hurt me were just saying things to me that were like piling weights in my already sinking boat. Finally I took a friend in the bathroom and just broke. I felt like the devil- the enemy of our soul- was trying to kill me. Now I know we live in a fallen world and that all the things that happen to us may not be spiritual BUT in corinthians it say's a spiritual man spiritually appraises ALL things. The spiritual world is just as real- if not more- than the world we see and we would be foolish to not pray and spiritually examine the things happening in our lives-especially how I was being bombarded. The scripture is pretty clear that we have an enemy. And his goal is to steal God's word from us, to lie, kill and destroy. And that's what he was trying to do to me. After i broke down in the bathroom with my sister, I went and got my life preserver- my bible- and we went in the bedroom and I just started reading through the psalms with her. It's amazing how God's word can just run over you and be like a drink of water in a desert land. So after some time of reading and regrouping my self, my friend left the room. So I was still sitting there reading when this teen age boy came in. He's a really sweet kid and he was crying. When I asked him what was wrong he said to me- that the next day would have been his mom's 50th birthday and that she died when he was 2 1/2 and that he missed her. I couldn't believe it!!! Seriously!! And then I could totally see him- the liar. I mean really? What are the chances of all of that just being random ( as my 10 yo would say). We have an enemy! And he tries to confuse us- A. about God's will for us; perverting the scriptures the make God out to be the one who lies, kills and destroys and Im sorry to say but the church buys it! God help us! You know the thing that made Him so angry with the people of israel in the wilderness was that they limited His power and they never came to know His ways. Hmmm. Something to think about. You know Canaan was their promise land and a picture not just of heaven being our promise land but also being a picture of us entering to posses anything God has promised us. God told them canaan was theirs, but they had to go in and take it. They had to believe what God said was true and act on it- that's what faith is. And when they sent the guys in to spy out the land and they came back with the report that the land was beautiful BUT they couldn't take it because there were giants in the land and they were like grasshoppers in their sight. Who told them they were like grasshoppers in their sight??? Read the story, it's very insightful. God called their report evil but it was true. Wasn't it? There were giants in the land- men 10ft tall! But they believed what they saw, how they felt and the lie that they were like grasshoppers over what God had said to them. They, like Joshua, should not have been moved by what they saw or how they felt and neither should we. That generation believed God was going to let them die in that wilderness and guess what? They got what they believed. Numbers 14: 28 Say to them, "As I live" says the Lord, " just as you have spoken in My hearing, so I will surely do to you. Your corpses shall fall in this wilderness..."He had had enough of their unbelief after He had proved Himself time and time again. And anytime we are believing God for something there is going to be warfare- count on it! The circumstance will always look contrary, there will always be giants and we are going to hear things like - you won't make it, you're going to die, lose your house, never be ahead, never have peace, God's not going to do it for you, that promise isn't for today, look at so and so...the list goes on. LOOK AT JESUS! When the storm is raging, look at Him- not anyone one or anything else. Im looking at Him and believe me I fail! Im coming off of an epic fail. ( to use another of my 10 yo's words) And there is grace and mercy and foregivness in abundance- thank God. But by that same token, He expects us to believe Him! What finally stirred me back to faith was listening to a teaching on David and goliath. I never realized that for forty days Goliath came and literally terrified the israelites. What was the fear- death and slavery. And every day they would would put on their armor like they were going to fight but they never fought. They just sat there. For 40 days they got suited up to walk around camp. Finally David comes and you know the story but what I love is how David doesn't care what the outside voices are saying ( and they were speaking, read the story) and says to goliath- You come to me with a sword, a spear and a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Hosts, the God of the armies of israel, whom you have taunted. This day the Lord will deliver you up into my hands and I will strike you down... I just saw myself there, girded up, but just sitting down terrified, not fighting. We have to believe what God says and fight. Put yourself there. Goliath is a type of the devil, taunting us and God, making us afraid, trying to kill and enslave us. Now I say- you come to me with sickness and fear but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Hosts, my God and my Father and He will deliver you into my hands for it is written.... and you fight. Jesus did it. I want to be of that spirit-like David- that he saw the same circumstance, the same giant as everyone else did, yet he believed God and hasted in faith toward the enemy with a stone and defeated him. And you know what? Jesus has disarmed and defeated our enemy! ( col 2: 14-15) He made an open show of him so we know how he works, and paul said we can be aware of his schemes. And we have our weapons eph 6. but it's not enough to just put on our armor. We must put it on and fight.

I had a sweet lady over the other night. I met her through facebook- really the Lord Im sure brought us together. Her husband had a heart attack and has been gone now for two years. She has two boys 3 and 5. While she was sharing what happened she said something to me that has stuck with me; "7 minutes"... Seven minutes is the time from him being fine to him being gone. Seven minutes! No good bye- nothing. Such a small increment of time that has now changed her life and her boys forever. She has had to press through far more than me. We cried together and I am so blessed and encouraged by her strength. It's amazing how having something like this can bring two strangers together and give us an automatic love for each other.

I have been reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Francis Chan was the senior pastor of corner stone church in simi valley, ca. After much prayer Chan decided to quit his job as pastor ( which he never got paid for) sold his house and left the country with his wife and 3 girls. They now are traveling through Asia and India. He said he couldn't take it anymore when he started hearing his name more that God's or the Holy Spirit. People were trying to turn him into a super hero and he didn't want it- good for him! The book causes you to really look at your life with Christ. He said one particular thing that Iv been chewing on since the first chapter. It is this- " Most of us know .... that we are suppose to worship Him (God) with our lives. I know I knew that before on some level but it really hit me when I read it. Now whenever Im doing something I think - how am I worshipping You right now. It's really easy for me to worship God with hands raised in church. It's easy for me to worship Him by serving a neighbor or giving to someone. But how about when Im doing the dishes, cleaning up a huge spill on the just cleaned floor, or asking one of my boys for the 5 millionth time to pick up his shoes? Or how about today when I was walking through walmart with all the boys and Simeon was throwing a fit like- none -other because he wanted candy. He screamed through the whole entire store- no lie! And im thinking how is my life right now an act of worship to You? It really wasn't because once we got to the car I had a mom meltdown. But you know what? Even mom losing it- if done right- can be a beautiful picture of apology, grace and forgiveness.

Tomorrow is Ben's birthday. He will be 6. I remember so clearly the morning he was born.We had all of our babies at home. I did the work, George did the catching. My labor with Ben was a pain free 7 hours unlike my other 3 that were 12. I rocked in my birthing chair all night just singing praise songs and talking to my Father. At about 4 am I woke George and told he better get ready cause I was pretty sure the baby would be here soon. Ben was born at 5 am. He was quite a surprise considering they told us he was going to be a girl! Regardless, we were so happy and Im blessed to be his mom. He, out of all the boys, reminds me most of George. Everything about him; his smile, his toes, even his crooked little pinky fingers. I love how he says I amn't instead of I'm not. Makes me smile, and cry too. Have I said yet to love your husbands? Look past the things that bug you. Don't let bitterness or anger grow. Smile at them. Find reasons to delight in them- and your children too. Guard your treasure. Choose joy. Remember - 7 minutes!

Tonight i am just sad. I haven't really felt this sad in a while. I feel like Iv had a bunch of little things happen that have now just seemed to get to me. Things like: on Christmas eve one of the teenagers was playing guitar in my garage it took my breath away because i hadn't heard music come from there since the last time george was out there playing. The other day at the park one of the dads showed up and his son saw him across the grass and yelled daddy and ran to him, tonight we watched a nanny mcphee and first they get a note saying their dad died then it turned out to be a fake and ofcourse the movie ends with all the children running to their dad. I asked the boys if these kinds of shows make them think of their dad and they said yes and that it makes them sad. I wonder how often they have these moments where the realization hits them that they're missing something- someone. Im sure it happens alot and it breaks my heart. So today I just feel scrambled. I have been thinking about switching to a charter school ( don't hate me girls) so today i spent too many hours looking into them and searching out homeschool classes. I love having my kids home but sometimes teaching them is overwhelming, I feel inadequate to do everything on my own and i believe they could learn better in a classroom type setting but seriously 3 classes would cost over 1000! That's rediculous! So Im praying about things and waiting for God to lead.

I remember about 2 weeks after george went to heaven someone told me that people would move on and forget about us. I remember crying to God about it and He so clearly said to me: "I will not forget you." I have to say He has not. I have never felt for a second that He isn't right here with us- even when Im angry at Him. I am blessed beyond measure with some amazing sisters, family, and even people I have never met who hold us up and storm heaven in prayer on our behalf and i love you all for it! If your my facebook friend you have already seen this but I love it and it has been like water to my soul so ofcourse im going to share it again :)

God is our refuge and strength." Not our armies, or our fortresses. Israel's boast is in Jehovah, the only living and true God. Others vaunt their impregnable castles, placed on inaccessible rocks and secured with gates of iron, but God is a far better refuge from distress than all these: and when the time comes to carry the war into the enemy's territories, the Lord stands his people in better stead than all the valour of legions or the boasted strength of chariot and horse. Soldiers of the cross, remember this, and count yourselves safe, and make yourselves strong in God. Forget not the personal possessive word "our;" makes sure each one of your portions in God, that you may say, "He is my refuge and strength." Neither forget the fact that God is our refuge just now, in the immediate present, as truly as when David penned the word. God alone is our all in all. All other refuges are refuges of lies, all other strength is weakness, for power belongeth unto God: but as God is all-sufficient, our defence and might are equal to all emergencies. "A very present help in trouble," or in distresses he has so been found, he has been tried and proved by his people. He never withdraws himself from his afflicted. He is their help, truly, effectually, constantly; he is present or near them, close at their side and ready for their succour, and this is emphasised by the word "very" in our version, he is more present than friend or relative can be, yea, more nearly present than even the trouble itself

I love the last verse how it says He is more nearly present than even the trouble itself. When I read that I could just see Him quickly coming in between us and whatever our circumstance or trouble is. Still can see it now and that's what I hold onto- Him- our ever present help, the one who understands because He walked the road before me and now walks it with me, the one who has kind intentions toward me, the one who wouldn't give me a snake if I asked for a fish, the One who keeps His promises and cannot lie, the one who loved me more than His place of glory in heaven, the One who is able and says He can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever imagine, the one who says do not worry, let not your heart be troubled, I have loved you with an everlasting love and drawn you with loving kindness, the One who holds everything we see together and that is not moved by our circumstance but reaches down to deliver us from them, the One who holds us in His hands and says nothing can take us out! To Him be the glory forever and ever! I feel much better now! It's amazing what a change of your focus will make.

I can't sleep tonight

So much has been going on.... When my husband went home to heaven our house was a mess. We had no walls, plywood on some walls, no working heat, things were not good. About 2 months ago some amazing people in my homeschool group got together and created a beautiful home for us. ( I will post before and after pics on facebook soon) We were staying with my mom while the work was being done and a few days before we moved back in someone robbed us. I pulled up to the house and one of the garage doors was open and 2 of the gates. I told the boys to stay in the car while I checked things out. I didn't notice anything right away ( because they took stuff from the other side of the garage) but the boys noticed their playstation 2 was gone. Then I noticed there were some tools missing. The amazing thing is that about a week before I had a friend over and told her I wanted to take inventory of what was in there because i may try to sell some tools I won't ever use. So I had a list of what everything was, pictures, and serial numbers. Had I not had that I would have had no idea what was stolen. God is so amazing! He even starts working things out for us even before they happen! I have to admit though, I wasn't upset about the stuff. ( Well, I was upset about the boys playstation cause it's just wrong for your kids to have their stuff stolen) But I was upset that I was alone and fear tried to set in. And believe me, I know God is with me but I miss the presence of my husband. I was never afraid at night. If I heard a noise or the sensor light went on Id either curl up closer to him or if I really thought it was something Id wake him and he'd check it out. Now every sound seems to me magnified and every time that sensor light goes on it freaks me out, my adrenaline starts going and i watch to see if there's a shadow or something. So I stay up "on watch" until I just can't stay awake any longer and then I say to the Lord "ok, You'll have to take over now because I can't stay awake any longer." And then I lay there....

I miss my husband. Sometimes life is just going by and we're happy and I feel "over" the grief. It's hard to explain, but I feel "ok" without him but then something happens tha stirs things up again. The other day one of his friends texted me on accident :) After he realized who I was he told me that he was putting a scrapbook together for me and the boys about every conversation he had with my husband about how much he loved me and the boys. Just seeing the words- how much George loved you and the boys. For awhile i really missed hearing him say he loves me or getting a text but - im not sure the right words- i guess I had stopped thinking about it until his friend sent me that message. Now I really miss it! So much so that Im keeping the text from his friend and I've read it quite a few times. Yep, I miss him and so do my boys. So I'm hanging onto Jesus. He is my Rock, my Refuge, my Hiding Place, my Defender, my Life. I love the scripture in Isaiah 49: 15-16 that says- Can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even though these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands... The hebrew picture for that last verse means you're holding something so tight in your hand that it actually carves the imprint of that object into your hands. I just love that picture. And I believe He is holding onto us just like that. Going to try to go to bed now. Curl up extra close to your guys tonight and be thankful they're there.

Well, we just passed the one year mark. While I love and miss my husband, Im thankful this year is behind us and Im so glad that we have a God who is our Healer. Most people probably think the night my husband passed was the hardest day for me, but it wasn't. The hardest day was actually the next morning when I had to -gut wrenchingly- tell each one of my sons that their dad was gone. What it must have been like for them, that he was just physically gone from them... I really don't want to go there. The hardest part of this is feeling sad for their loss BUT GOD ( my two favorite words ), say's He is a Father to the Fatherless and Im holding on to that. The first year pretty much sucks- just sayin it like it is! The pain and sorrow roll over you like waves with no warning. You feel so desperate, praying you'll be able to make it through the moment. It reminds me of getting knocked over by a big wave in the ocean and your so scared and desperate to get to get your head above water and right when you do another wave knocks you down again. We were singing this song at cottonwood on sunday and we kept singing -Hosanna in the highest, let our King be lifted up, Hosanna. I never really knew what Hosanna meant. I thought it meant we were praising Him and they added- in the highest to make it even greater but I was wrong. I came home and looked it up and I love the picture this one person shared. Originally Hosanna meant " save us, bring salvation to us " sort of like if you were drowning you would call out for help, for someone to save you. But over time the meaning has changed and instead of the picture of drowning and calling out for someone to save you it has become what you would say if you were drowning and saw the person coming in to rescue you- hallelujah, He's here, we're saved! I loved that picture because I feel like it mirrors my life this last year. Just when I thought it would over take me, He would be right there. He is faithful and there is none like Him. So yes- Hosanna in the Highest to Him! He alone is worthy!
I have to say one more thought because part of my life's message now is to encourage you to love your husband. I was reading through some letters my husband had written me and I noticed in more than one that he said- I was the best part of this. He meant I was the best thing in his life here in this foreign territory. It brought to my mind the proverb that says -He who Finds a Wife Finds a Treasure And Receives Favor from the Lord. Don't you love that? We have the ability to be a treasure to our husbands. Unfortunately not all of us are. And ofcourse we aren't going to be all of the time but it's something to aim for. And again, like the pr 31 scripture I find it interesting that our husbands prosperity and favor is linked to us loving them and being their helpmates. I just love that when we are doing what God calls and equips us to do He see's us as treasures. So, does your husband have a treasure in you? :)

It's been quite a while since ive written. Actually Ive written but not finished anything to be able to post it. its amazing how fast the time goes by. It's coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband going home to heaven and all I can say is God, our Father, is faithful. I remember sitting at cottonwood 2 days after george passed and the man preaching got down on his hands and knees and was crawling across the floor saying -if this is you right now, even though other people may be smiling walking happily around you, you just keep going. Just keep looking at Jesus and before you know it you'll find yourself over here and you'll wonder how you got there and it will have been the Lord who carried you. He was absolutely right. It hasnt been easy, and even as Im writing tonight im hurting. It's a feeling that's hard to really explain. It's like being wounded but entails so many other feelings as well. It pretty much sucks! I miss him! I feel lost sometimes without him. To just be able to sit and talk with him... Ben has been coming up to me lately 5 or 6 times a day and hugs me and tells me that he misses his dad and wishes he was here. Sigh.... That's really the hardest part. It's just absolutely wrong for a child to be missing their mom or dad. I have learned though, that to make it through my darkest moments I must keep my eyes on Jesus. That is the answer, He is the answer. While there is nothing wrong with lettin it out to my friends, He alone is my Healer, and the One who is going to bring us through this. That's also true for whatever circumstance we ever face. Our answer is in Christ, not your pastor, husband, or friends. It's ok to seek their counsel but we must seek Him more. I was running the other night and even though I was running, I was going slow and being sorta lazy about it. And God spoke to me about how I was running! It amazes me the moments He sometimes choses to step in and show me something spiritual. He told me not to run like that, BUT to run with a purpose. Ive been thinking alot about that now, looking at some of the areas in my life that i may be running weakly or not even running at all. 1 corinthians 9:24 says Do you not know that all those who run in a race all run, but only one recieves the prize? Run in such a way that you may win!...Therefore I run in such a way as not without aim.. and paul says in Hebrews 12:1 let us also lay aside every encumberance- the things that weigh us down- and the sin that so easily entangles us and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us... This was an important message to the early believers at that time (and still is to us now) because they had began well ( believing in Christ ) but were throwing away their confidence in God and falling behind and were endanger of even quitting (Heb ch 10-12). All of these references to a christians life as a conflict, wrestling match, striving, labor, and in this case running a race show us we're going to have to hang tough and fight through some challenges in this life. The really good news is, this world is not our home! But while we are here God says Heb 12:2 that if we fix our eyes on Jesus...consider Him... what He endured, the promise is we wont grow weary and lose heart. That's how we make it through whatever we face- look at Jesus.

today was one of may hardest days of last year. it was the day that someone very close to me told me the Lord said that my husband wasn't going to make it. I knew she knew something and hadn't been telling me and i finally got it out of her. The Lord had told her 7 months before he ever had any symptom. That night I dreamed George died in my arms- just like he did- and I woke up sobbing and the worst part was I couldn't chalk it up to a bad dream. It was just as bad as when he actually did die, it was horrible. It's strange that a year has almost past. What's even stranger is that I feel so blessed and thankful for my life. Yes. I am still sad and do cry alot but gratitude just seems to be my anthem right now. Im not even kidding when I say that everyday I wake up in bed with my boys I thank God for our home and making the way for us to stay in it. Im thankful for amazing family and friends, for God's grace and strength to have brought us this far. Im thankful I haven't had to work and I can be here for my boys when they have questions or just want to sit in my lap and tell me they miss their dad. Simeon asked to look at pictures of "his daddy" yesterday. There was one of George in the hospital and I asked Sim if he remembered him and he said yes and then he told me about the one time he went to the hospital to see George and how he had french fries, chicken nuggets and played with the buttons on the bed. That amazed me that he remembered that from almost a year ago. I pray he remembers him. I see more changes happening with the boys now, pray for them and for me that God would give me wisdom on how to help them. Ben likes to draw pictures of him, I should put some here. Tonight he hugged me and said" wouldn't it be great mom if dad didn't die and he could be with us!"Isaiah has the code word "zingo" to let me know he's missing his dad and Isaac was crying tonight but said it was on accident :) We definately have our rough times but thank God for His faithfulness! Im sorry I haven't written more here. I have lots of partial posts but time just seems to fly by. Plus time is precious to me and while I still lose it and my boys drive me crazy I want our life to be "together" if that makes sense. I want to be involved in their world and I want them to be part of mine and if that means I can't write as much- im sorry. One last thing I wanted t share. I remember when he was on morphine and his liver was failing and he would mostly sleep. I would have to wake him to get him to take some medications, it was quite a task to get him awake and keep him awake just to take 4 pills. But when he would awake, he would look into my eyes and smile at me in delight. It makes me smile just thinking about it right now. I actually have it on video when he was singing to me one time and he got distracted and then just stared at me for a few seconds to focus again and gave me that look that he delighted in me. It's really sweet and something i treasure. I miss him!

I just finished enjoying a warm piece of chocolate cake with vanilla bean ice cream and a small glass of milk. It would've only been better had my husband been here to share it with me. How many times have I said now how strange grief is. I can only describe it as a loooooong roller coaster ride. While life is speeding by we're going up and down, sometimes whoo hooing and sometimes holding on tight and screaming. There are dark moments, times when I feel alone and afraid because I don't know what's ahead for us. Then there are those beautiful moments when my Savior does something that touches my heart and reassures me that He knows right where we're at, He see's us, He hears every word I say to Him and He's taking care of us whether i can see it or not. Hmm bet that sounds like most lives hah?

My sister said to me the other day something to the effect of how awesome it is that george's in heaven walking with Jesus, he's where we long to be and just awesome that is. And you know I was a little ticked off at that. I can honestly say there has been only one time that i have actually been happy for him that he's free of this world. But when your the one living in and trying deal with the aftermath of death it sucks and frankly i get mad at him for leaving me to carry this. When you see the effects starting to show on your kids, when youre with other families and your child withdraws sadly because they see their friends with their dad, when something so minor causes them to just curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably- there's no words for it. It's just wrong and it compounds my sorrow. The other thing is making the choice to move forward. I think we can physically move forward but not allow our heart to and then your new life doesn't really start because youre heart is still holding on to something that's gone. I feel like im coming to that decision or maybe im realizing that although I thought I was starting this new life Im really not. I don't want it and yet part of me does want it. I miss my husband, i miss him painfully for the boys and as if life wasn't hard enough now they have no dad! But you know what, enough of this! Because the truth is God is greater than all of this. Yes I hurt, yes im so tired of crying, yes im scared, and yes I don't want to let go because i feel like im letting go of him and that's ok because my Father will help me. Yes my son's don't have an earthly dad but they have a Father in heaven who loves them far more than me who will love them, walk by their side and show them His goodness. One who also says they shall all be taught of Him and that their well being will be great. And you know, honestly most days when i wake up, my bed having been overtaken by all 4 of my boys during the night, and we're cuddling and talking in the morning drinking coffee and having hot chocolate I feel so incredibly blessed. I am so thankful to be able to still be home with them and that i havent had to get a job. Im thankful I can still homeschool and be part of the greatest group of women i've ever met. I am thankful beyond words that He made the way for us to keep our home for now and Im sure when the time comes He'll make the way for us again. I've been blessed to meet some other beautiful women who are sadly just starting the journey of being a widow but I get to love and encourage them and in return Im reminded constantly of all the way He has brought me. So Im not going to dwell on what we don't have and Im not going to worry about letting go and moving on. Im going to rest in my Dad knowing that He's faithful and able to handle come what may. This morning I opened my bible to psalm 109:21-22. It was circled and dated 11-12-2009 which was 6 days after george went to heaven. It reads- But You, O God, the Lord, deal kindly with me for Thy names sake; because Your loving kindness is good, deliver me; for I am afflicted and needy and my heart is wounded within me. Today I added vs 30 with my mouth I will give thanks abundantly to the Lord and in the midst of many I will praise Him for He stands at the right hand of the needy... and He does!

It seems to be getting harder to get here to post! While im sorry for that for those of you who come here, ive been realizing how much time i can spend here or face book that really takes away from my boys. So ive been spending way less time on things non eternal and trying to direct my time towards things that are going to matter for eternity and not just burn when they are put through Gods fire. 1 Cor 3:13-15. I was talking with my sister tonight about just that, about giving an account for what we did with our time, our life. And I said that God's going to want to know what we did with our families- our children. Contrary to what most congregations will say while they are trying to get you to serve in a multitude of their "ministries", our first ministry is our husbands and then our children and we should never be so busy serving in a building or even our community that our own family suffers or is lacking our quality time. Nomatter how good it looks, God's going to have some words with us if we put serving outside our family above serving our family. Our home is our number 1 mission field, it should be our top priority and is our training ground. That's where we learn to deny ourself and pick up our cross and follow Christ. Yes visiting the sick and bringing a meal to someone feels way better than the daily grind of our family life but lets be honest, is that really denying yourself and carrying our cross??? I don't think so. Some of you may know this story but some time ago while I was changing a really bad poopy diaper, having a complaining attitude, I was talking to the Lord and asking Him how He was going to use me where would I be serving... Im thinking leading people to Him, laying hands on the sick etc.. He said to me- what if this is what i want you to do? Meaning change the poopy diaper and raise up these kids. You know my answer was- Im not really gonna like that! Just being honest. It's not easy to stay at home loving your husband and raising your children, not to mention the world sees no value in it and it certainly doesnt feel as good as those other things BUT God says to do it. So that's what iv been working on and not just doing it but doing it with joy. Having joy is a choice and im trying to delight in my crazy boys and sincerely listen to them (they can tell when your acting), rub their backs, kiss their heads and be together in life with them, see them as a blessing like God says and not an imposition on my life. And I make it a point throughout the day to tell them i love them and build them up with some encouraging words. Thats not always easy especially when theyre acting up and driving me crazy but you know, someday i will be gone and all theyll have left is memories of how i was with them, how i treated them, did i have time for them or was i always putting them off. And you know, theyre going to treat their children like we have treated them which also puts a different perspective on things. But I want to make sweet simple memories with them of cuddling in the bed telling stories, playing board games- even video games, making brownies with me on the counter. I want them to know to the core of their soul that i love them. The things we do now- all those little things- matter. Ive noticed with 2 of my boys lately that they will have moments of almost frantically needing to do a specific thing that they use to do with their dad because it makes them feel connected to him. For Ben it was that he needed to see pictures of him with his dad. For Isaiah it's been needing to see a certain video that they use to watch together in George's truck when he would take them places. Little every day things that you don't even realize, mean so much. Chose joy, delight in their little faces, delight in your husbands face as well, make sweet memories, love love love them! PS. I miss him!!!

What are you sowing

Ive been spending a lot of time with the Lord lately, talking to Him about some things and pretty much saturating myself with His word. I have decided to sell my car because I can't really afford the gas for it. I have a certain amount in my budget and my car costs double that and I just dont have it. So i have had 2 used car options to chose from to replace my car and I have to say that tis has been one of the hardest decisions Ive had to make. It may seem dumb to some but I have spent endless hours researching, praying, stressing, losing sleep, even crying over this. I have discussed the situation with pretty much everyone i know, but it's not the same as it would be to discuss it with my husband. There are sooo many things we take for granted. I know there are women, and i am one of them too, who believe we could do things better then our husbands, make better decisions then them, run things better etc.. it's a deception and a total undermining of your marriage. Unfortunately you'll never really see it unless you either lose your husband or you go before our Father and ask Him if it's true for you. There's a verse in proverbs 31 that says " the heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain." Man, that's some meat right there. Think about it, can the heart of your husband trust you? His heart? Trust that you'll respect him and wont put him down disguised in a joke? Trust that you'll stand by his side when things get tough and not turn on him and pick on him or blame him like he doesn't do enough? Would you have the courage to ask him? I remember when i asked George, I cried because in my heart i think i knew the answer. And notice that the husbands gain is directly related to him being able to trust his wife. It's very interesting to me. And I know the men have a huge responsibility as well but us doing our job is not contingent on them doing theirs. Honor God, and He will honor you. We have influence, you know it's true because sadly we've all probably used our powers for evil :) (That was a joke- sorta) But what if we determined to use our influence to build up and encourage, to not see them as the enemy but to chose to love- love like we want to be loved? And you know, I know it's really easy for me to sit here and say all this because I don't have to do right now but ... when they're gone your whole life as you knew it ends, there's a huge empty place inside you, my spiritual covering of my husband is gone and I can actually feel that. And even if your marriage is really tough and you think you'd be better off without them- you wouldn't. You would feel those things too and you wouldn't care about any of it if you could just have them back. To just hold his face, kiss him and lay my head on his chest with his strong arms around me... Please, take my word for it. God can do anything and He is all about restoration. And if He says to do it, He'll help us and even bless us for our faith in Him.

Well, i have to say this was not at all what I intended to write about tonight but thats what came out. I was listening to cottonwood online tonight and Bayless said- there is more power in the word of God than we realize. And it's true. But once you receive His word you have to get it into your heart and hold tight to it and guard it because the scripture says that immediately the devil comes to steal that word from you. And he steals it by lying to you, whispering to you that it's not working just look at your circumstance. But the one who holds fast to His word is the one who reaps it's power with the good harvest. The others will reap a harvest too; they reap worry, fear, sickness, bitterness. Whatever seeds we sow into our lives, marriages, children- that is what we will reap. So what are you sowing?

God IS faithful

It's been 9 months today. All I can say is we have an amazing Father who loves us beyond measure and He IS faithful. Most nights when I sit here I shake my head in disbelief that my husband is gone. Tonight though, I shake my head in a sort of surreal amazement at what God has done for us and how far He's brought me. I remember every detail of 9 months ago at this exact moment. I remember who was here. I remember him wrestling with God. I remember him squeezing my arm about 40 minutes from this time as his spirit left his body. I remember watching his body takes it's last breath but he was already long gone. I remember kissing the top of his sweet bald head for the very last time-ever! But God, our Father moved right in to Georges place and there have been many days that I knew He was right beside me literally holding me up and walking me through. And here I sit, still sad and hurting, but ok and sometimes even good. I drove past he hospital where he was last week without even realizing that i had passed it. Usually I would almost get sick just knowing i had to go that direction. God has done amazing things for me... from the start He answered my prayer to meet someone at church 2 days after he passed who has been where I am that could tell me I was going to be ok. Not only that, but He also brought into my life some other amazing ladies who are widows or former widows who are just pillars of hope and strength for me. I have never felt more loved in my whole entire life. Sometimes I just want to burst, im just overwhelmed with His love and the love of His people. He has delivered me from all my credit card debt so we are completely debt free aside from the house. The bank approved our loan modification after saying they canceled it, which is another miracle. He's helped sell things and not just sell them but He provided really good people to buy them which matters to me and then the topper was the people would offer me more than what i had asked for. Ive had total strangers twice offer to let us live with them if ever we need to. The family actually just sent me a letter again a few weeks ago letting me know again that their home is always available to us. He's brought numerous people into my life to share with, help, hug and encourage. People have written me notes saying that they heard about our story and it's moved them to love their husbands and children more. He has spoken to me. He's held me tight through some of the worst sorrow and pain ive ever felt in my life. And just when I thought it would take me over, He would lift me out and comfort me. He's made me laugh, given me joy. He's telling the truth when He says in His word that sorrow may last for the night but joy comes in the morning. Some nights i would be so exhausted from being so sad that i would just go to bed holding onto that word. I just stand in awe of Him. Who Is like the Lord our God? Who? There's none. I'll praise Him forever for what He has done!

Im a mess tonight. Im just getting blindsided by all this sorrow. I hate to even write about it here because it's just the same thing over and over again. I just sit here in disbelief that he's gone. I just can't wrap my heart around that. Im so stinkin sad. I feel like a huge hypocrite. At home the kids see me, im a crying yelling mess but out of the house I have the game face on. Ive been watching this video I have of him. It was 4 days before he died and I just wanted to video tape him saying he loves me. He did a little video for each of the boys and I wanted one for me. He ofcourse had to be silly and sing it and right when he started Simeon grabbed his feet and hurt him and he started yelling. His toes were all turning black from... I don't even know what. Isaac made a funny comment- "that was a funny song Dad" which kinda made him smile. He did end up singing it. I just wanted him to say he loves me...how we take hearing those words for granted. I don't know.... I just sit here shaking my head, how can this be? I miss him. I want to be over all this. Im exhausted from being so emotional. Ugh!

This last week or so I feel like ive entered a new area of grief. Im not sure if grieving is the same for everyone or how the whole grief process works but I know the One who heals the broken hearted and man, am I counting on Him. Lately though I feel... abandoned, I feel like he left me. I know in my mind that's not true but that is how I feel and im mad at him. Im mad because he's in glory and im here bearing a burden I can't humanly carry. Im mad because I need him! I need him to bounce my thoughts off of, to help me make decisions that he would have been the one making. I need him for the great big things and dumb little fix it things. Tonight I heard something in the backyard ( which i believe was the pitbull living behind me ) so i loaded my gun and went out to investigate it. And iv had to do that a few times before. Don't get me wrong im not a whinny wimpy girl, I know i can do all this, but theres a magnitude of this that really only me and God get- unless you too have lost your husband. Every decision, I have to make. The financial burden is on me. Im the protector of the family now ( I know God keeps us ), Im the one the boys come to now if something is broken and needs to be fixed and I don't know how to fix it but George would have. Im the one living totally by faith without someone that when things get tough and I dont have him to lean on or to pray for me or just be the calm in my storm. Today,without any warning, I became so overwhelmed with sorrow and anger that i took my pillow and went into the back of the garage and i screamed and cried for like an hour. I also took the door knob so the boys couldnt follow me out. And I could hear the boys fighting and acting up but I just couldnt deal with them in the condition I was in. After I got it out, I was fine. And Im not having a pity party i just want people to know this is how it is. You feel a little crazy sometimes :) Emotions changing drastically without warning and for no apparent reason. But God is so amazing. I don't know how anyone could do this without Him. He is my Rock, my Refuge. Though my life is rocking from this storm right now, I know i wont be moved because He is the Anchor of my soul. And I praise Him for His faithfulness.

Today is my oldest son, Isaac's 10th birthday. Its hard to believe how fast life just zooms by you. I gave birth to him at home and George's arms were the first to hold him. I remember every detail of it like it was yesterday. I also remember his birthday last year. He got a bunch of squirt guns for gifts. I remember the boys laying in wait in the kitchen when they heard his truck coming and then as he was walking up to the house they ambushed him. He and Isaac made a skateboard together that night. That skateboard has since been stolen, Isaac misses it. It's nice to look back on that memory with happiness. Although now that Im writing about it it is stirring up some sorrow. I miss him. I miss his strength, his smile. I miss the boys not having him. I was reading this morning in the book of Hosea. I just love that book. Maybe because I can relate to Gomer. I fully remember being enslaved to things before coming to Christ. But then to know Him and to have Him speak His beautiful words upon my heart and redeem me from that life I lived...there really are no words...I love Him for it. So Hosea is one of the most beautiful scriptures to me. Israel is going down and this is Gods last gracious attempt to restore them to Himself and I love that He uses a marriage /love relationship to demonstrate the picture because we all would understand that. God tells Hosea to marry a harlot named Gomer. Gomer, like Israel and us, seeks other lovers and deserts Hosea. In spite of the depth to which her sin carries her, Hosea redeems her from the slave market and restores her. Ch 2 God says "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, Bring her into the wilderness And speak upon her heart. Then I will give her her vineyards from there, And the valley of Achor (trouble) as a door of hope And she will sing there as in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. It will come about in that day," declares the LORD, That you will call Me Ishi ( Husband) And will no longer call Me Baali. (master) For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, So that they will be mentioned by their names no more...I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD.( Another translation says; And then I'll marry you for good—forever! I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness. Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. You'll know me, God, for who I really am.) ...I will sow her for Myself in the land I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion, And I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people! And they will say, You are my God!

Isnt that beautiful? Those were Gods last attempt words to bring Israel back to Himself. I just find Him amazing, the lengths that He goes to to show us His love for us. Think about it.

found this letter from my husband today. Thought Id share part of him with you.

Iv'e been reliving for about a week now where we were last year at this time. The 4th of July is sort of a marker for when things started happening. George had just begun having stomach trouble but there was no pain or anything so he didn't think anything of it. It certainly never- ever- entered my mind that 4 months, 2 days, and a few hours down the road id being holding him while he died. I mentioned before how i feel so sensitive to the comments i hear wives make to or about their husbands now. I was sitting with some friends the other day and they were taIking about their husbands short comings, their lack of spiritual leadership, their lack of wanting to be doing things all the time, how they wished they were like this other man and one even said she had wished she would have married " a ( spiritual) man like that." I see it in most marriages- i did it too. I was unhappy with George a lot. Sometimes i look back and wonder if i was ever happy with him. I was angry or unhappy with something way more than I even want to admit to you. And honestly, it wasns't because he had done anything wrong. I think I was maybe just discontent and instead of finding my peace and fulfillment in the Lord he became an easy target for me to focus on as the problem for why I was unhappy. My answer to my friends was that i think we'd still be unhappy with them even if they were spiritual leaders because they probably wouldn't do it like we think they should. I feel like- sadly- that George and many other husbands feel like nothing they ever do is good enough. The subtle little comments are just little put downs disguised in some laughter. It's sad and what i really wanted to say to my friends and to anyone who reads this- just love them! Be thankful that you have them. You can't really realize how they are a covering for you until their gone- but they are. George may not have read the bible like I thought he should but he'd give his shirt of his back to someone and he would have laid down his life for me and the boys. Find your joy and contentment in our Father because you won't find it in your husband. Instead of pointing out their problems, LOVE THEM LIKE THEY ARE ALL YOU DESIRE THEM TO BE and maybe they'll rise up to that instead of shrinking down under the criticism. Marriage is suppose to be a picture of the great mystery of Christ and His Bride- us, the church. It's suppose to be a picture of unconditional, sacrificial love and forgiveness not based on the performance of the other. And ofcourse we all mess up. But the only way you can love like that is if you're finding the source of all your needs in God.
So like i said, the 4th of July is a marker for me and sadly we spent the day fighting. Actually I was fighting with him. (George rarely fought with me.) He didn't do anything wrong. I was struggling with something and instead of going to the Lord for my help, I made the problem about him and it wasn't. Im even sadder to admit I kept on about that stupid thing for days after. What a waste of time! Now don't get me wrong, Im not beating myself up. I have no regrets. In those last weeks believe me, i loved him. And what kind of spiritual leader he was at that point did not matter. But you may not get the opportunity I did. We need to humble ourselves more, they will respond to that. Get down on your knees and wash their feet and see the response you get. Have more sex with them- yes, I said it! Philipians 2 says Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. That's our example of how to love. That's what we should strive for.

Just wanted to say today was a much much better day! Im trying to change my perspective a little bit and consider the place where my boys are at. It's easy for me to forget that they have feelings about what's going too. Just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean they're not there. And if they're feeling like i feel a lot of the time no wonder their aggression has escalated and they're easy provoked. So my prayer is that God keeps me mindful and sensitive to them and their needs. So please keep praying for us! And i made it threw the whole day without yelling once! I know for some of you moms that doesn't seem like much but for me at this time of our life it's huge. Praise God!