Well, we just passed the one year mark. While I love and miss my husband, Im thankful this year is behind us and Im so glad that we have a God who is our Healer. Most people probably think the night my husband passed was the hardest day for me, but it wasn't. The hardest day was actually the next morning when I had to -gut wrenchingly- tell each one of my sons that their dad was gone. What it must have been like for them, that he was just physically gone from them... I really don't want to go there. The hardest part of this is feeling sad for their loss BUT GOD ( my two favorite words ), say's He is a Father to the Fatherless and Im holding on to that. The first year pretty much sucks- just sayin it like it is! The pain and sorrow roll over you like waves with no warning. You feel so desperate, praying you'll be able to make it through the moment. It reminds me of getting knocked over by a big wave in the ocean and your so scared and desperate to get to get your head above water and right when you do another wave knocks you down again. We were singing this song at cottonwood on sunday and we kept singing -Hosanna in the highest, let our King be lifted up, Hosanna. I never really knew what Hosanna meant. I thought it meant we were praising Him and they added- in the highest to make it even greater but I was wrong. I came home and looked it up and I love the picture this one person shared. Originally Hosanna meant " save us, bring salvation to us " sort of like if you were drowning you would call out for help, for someone to save you. But over time the meaning has changed and instead of the picture of drowning and calling out for someone to save you it has become what you would say if you were drowning and saw the person coming in to rescue you- hallelujah, He's here, we're saved! I loved that picture because I feel like it mirrors my life this last year. Just when I thought it would over take me, He would be right there. He is faithful and there is none like Him. So yes- Hosanna in the Highest to Him! He alone is worthy!
I have to say one more thought because part of my life's message now is to encourage you to love your husband. I was reading through some letters my husband had written me and I noticed in more than one that he said- I was the best part of this. He meant I was the best thing in his life here in this foreign territory. It brought to my mind the proverb that says -He who Finds a Wife Finds a Treasure And Receives Favor from the Lord. Don't you love that? We have the ability to be a treasure to our husbands. Unfortunately not all of us are. And ofcourse we aren't going to be all of the time but it's something to aim for. And again, like the pr 31 scripture I find it interesting that our husbands prosperity and favor is linked to us loving them and being their helpmates. I just love that when we are doing what God calls and equips us to do He see's us as treasures. So, does your husband have a treasure in you? :)

It's been quite a while since ive written. Actually Ive written but not finished anything to be able to post it. its amazing how fast the time goes by. It's coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband going home to heaven and all I can say is God, our Father, is faithful. I remember sitting at cottonwood 2 days after george passed and the man preaching got down on his hands and knees and was crawling across the floor saying -if this is you right now, even though other people may be smiling walking happily around you, you just keep going. Just keep looking at Jesus and before you know it you'll find yourself over here and you'll wonder how you got there and it will have been the Lord who carried you. He was absolutely right. It hasnt been easy, and even as Im writing tonight im hurting. It's a feeling that's hard to really explain. It's like being wounded but entails so many other feelings as well. It pretty much sucks! I miss him! I feel lost sometimes without him. To just be able to sit and talk with him... Ben has been coming up to me lately 5 or 6 times a day and hugs me and tells me that he misses his dad and wishes he was here. Sigh.... That's really the hardest part. It's just absolutely wrong for a child to be missing their mom or dad. I have learned though, that to make it through my darkest moments I must keep my eyes on Jesus. That is the answer, He is the answer. While there is nothing wrong with lettin it out to my friends, He alone is my Healer, and the One who is going to bring us through this. That's also true for whatever circumstance we ever face. Our answer is in Christ, not your pastor, husband, or friends. It's ok to seek their counsel but we must seek Him more. I was running the other night and even though I was running, I was going slow and being sorta lazy about it. And God spoke to me about how I was running! It amazes me the moments He sometimes choses to step in and show me something spiritual. He told me not to run like that, BUT to run with a purpose. Ive been thinking alot about that now, looking at some of the areas in my life that i may be running weakly or not even running at all. 1 corinthians 9:24 says Do you not know that all those who run in a race all run, but only one recieves the prize? Run in such a way that you may win!...Therefore I run in such a way as not without aim.. and paul says in Hebrews 12:1 let us also lay aside every encumberance- the things that weigh us down- and the sin that so easily entangles us and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us... This was an important message to the early believers at that time (and still is to us now) because they had began well ( believing in Christ ) but were throwing away their confidence in God and falling behind and were endanger of even quitting (Heb ch 10-12). All of these references to a christians life as a conflict, wrestling match, striving, labor, and in this case running a race show us we're going to have to hang tough and fight through some challenges in this life. The really good news is, this world is not our home! But while we are here God says Heb 12:2 that if we fix our eyes on Jesus...consider Him... what He endured, the promise is we wont grow weary and lose heart. That's how we make it through whatever we face- look at Jesus.

today was one of may hardest days of last year. it was the day that someone very close to me told me the Lord said that my husband wasn't going to make it. I knew she knew something and hadn't been telling me and i finally got it out of her. The Lord had told her 7 months before he ever had any symptom. That night I dreamed George died in my arms- just like he did- and I woke up sobbing and the worst part was I couldn't chalk it up to a bad dream. It was just as bad as when he actually did die, it was horrible. It's strange that a year has almost past. What's even stranger is that I feel so blessed and thankful for my life. Yes. I am still sad and do cry alot but gratitude just seems to be my anthem right now. Im not even kidding when I say that everyday I wake up in bed with my boys I thank God for our home and making the way for us to stay in it. Im thankful for amazing family and friends, for God's grace and strength to have brought us this far. Im thankful I haven't had to work and I can be here for my boys when they have questions or just want to sit in my lap and tell me they miss their dad. Simeon asked to look at pictures of "his daddy" yesterday. There was one of George in the hospital and I asked Sim if he remembered him and he said yes and then he told me about the one time he went to the hospital to see George and how he had french fries, chicken nuggets and played with the buttons on the bed. That amazed me that he remembered that from almost a year ago. I pray he remembers him. I see more changes happening with the boys now, pray for them and for me that God would give me wisdom on how to help them. Ben likes to draw pictures of him, I should put some here. Tonight he hugged me and said" wouldn't it be great mom if dad didn't die and he could be with us!"Isaiah has the code word "zingo" to let me know he's missing his dad and Isaac was crying tonight but said it was on accident :) We definately have our rough times but thank God for His faithfulness! Im sorry I haven't written more here. I have lots of partial posts but time just seems to fly by. Plus time is precious to me and while I still lose it and my boys drive me crazy I want our life to be "together" if that makes sense. I want to be involved in their world and I want them to be part of mine and if that means I can't write as much- im sorry. One last thing I wanted t share. I remember when he was on morphine and his liver was failing and he would mostly sleep. I would have to wake him to get him to take some medications, it was quite a task to get him awake and keep him awake just to take 4 pills. But when he would awake, he would look into my eyes and smile at me in delight. It makes me smile just thinking about it right now. I actually have it on video when he was singing to me one time and he got distracted and then just stared at me for a few seconds to focus again and gave me that look that he delighted in me. It's really sweet and something i treasure. I miss him!

I just finished enjoying a warm piece of chocolate cake with vanilla bean ice cream and a small glass of milk. It would've only been better had my husband been here to share it with me. How many times have I said now how strange grief is. I can only describe it as a loooooong roller coaster ride. While life is speeding by we're going up and down, sometimes whoo hooing and sometimes holding on tight and screaming. There are dark moments, times when I feel alone and afraid because I don't know what's ahead for us. Then there are those beautiful moments when my Savior does something that touches my heart and reassures me that He knows right where we're at, He see's us, He hears every word I say to Him and He's taking care of us whether i can see it or not. Hmm bet that sounds like most lives hah?

My sister said to me the other day something to the effect of how awesome it is that george's in heaven walking with Jesus, he's where we long to be and just awesome that is. And you know I was a little ticked off at that. I can honestly say there has been only one time that i have actually been happy for him that he's free of this world. But when your the one living in and trying deal with the aftermath of death it sucks and frankly i get mad at him for leaving me to carry this. When you see the effects starting to show on your kids, when youre with other families and your child withdraws sadly because they see their friends with their dad, when something so minor causes them to just curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably- there's no words for it. It's just wrong and it compounds my sorrow. The other thing is making the choice to move forward. I think we can physically move forward but not allow our heart to and then your new life doesn't really start because youre heart is still holding on to something that's gone. I feel like im coming to that decision or maybe im realizing that although I thought I was starting this new life Im really not. I don't want it and yet part of me does want it. I miss my husband, i miss him painfully for the boys and as if life wasn't hard enough now they have no dad! But you know what, enough of this! Because the truth is God is greater than all of this. Yes I hurt, yes im so tired of crying, yes im scared, and yes I don't want to let go because i feel like im letting go of him and that's ok because my Father will help me. Yes my son's don't have an earthly dad but they have a Father in heaven who loves them far more than me who will love them, walk by their side and show them His goodness. One who also says they shall all be taught of Him and that their well being will be great. And you know, honestly most days when i wake up, my bed having been overtaken by all 4 of my boys during the night, and we're cuddling and talking in the morning drinking coffee and having hot chocolate I feel so incredibly blessed. I am so thankful to be able to still be home with them and that i havent had to get a job. Im thankful I can still homeschool and be part of the greatest group of women i've ever met. I am thankful beyond words that He made the way for us to keep our home for now and Im sure when the time comes He'll make the way for us again. I've been blessed to meet some other beautiful women who are sadly just starting the journey of being a widow but I get to love and encourage them and in return Im reminded constantly of all the way He has brought me. So Im not going to dwell on what we don't have and Im not going to worry about letting go and moving on. Im going to rest in my Dad knowing that He's faithful and able to handle come what may. This morning I opened my bible to psalm 109:21-22. It was circled and dated 11-12-2009 which was 6 days after george went to heaven. It reads- But You, O God, the Lord, deal kindly with me for Thy names sake; because Your loving kindness is good, deliver me; for I am afflicted and needy and my heart is wounded within me. Today I added vs 30 with my mouth I will give thanks abundantly to the Lord and in the midst of many I will praise Him for He stands at the right hand of the needy... and He does!

It seems to be getting harder to get here to post! While im sorry for that for those of you who come here, ive been realizing how much time i can spend here or face book that really takes away from my boys. So ive been spending way less time on things non eternal and trying to direct my time towards things that are going to matter for eternity and not just burn when they are put through Gods fire. 1 Cor 3:13-15. I was talking with my sister tonight about just that, about giving an account for what we did with our time, our life. And I said that God's going to want to know what we did with our families- our children. Contrary to what most congregations will say while they are trying to get you to serve in a multitude of their "ministries", our first ministry is our husbands and then our children and we should never be so busy serving in a building or even our community that our own family suffers or is lacking our quality time. Nomatter how good it looks, God's going to have some words with us if we put serving outside our family above serving our family. Our home is our number 1 mission field, it should be our top priority and is our training ground. That's where we learn to deny ourself and pick up our cross and follow Christ. Yes visiting the sick and bringing a meal to someone feels way better than the daily grind of our family life but lets be honest, is that really denying yourself and carrying our cross??? I don't think so. Some of you may know this story but some time ago while I was changing a really bad poopy diaper, having a complaining attitude, I was talking to the Lord and asking Him how He was going to use me where would I be serving... Im thinking leading people to Him, laying hands on the sick etc.. He said to me- what if this is what i want you to do? Meaning change the poopy diaper and raise up these kids. You know my answer was- Im not really gonna like that! Just being honest. It's not easy to stay at home loving your husband and raising your children, not to mention the world sees no value in it and it certainly doesnt feel as good as those other things BUT God says to do it. So that's what iv been working on and not just doing it but doing it with joy. Having joy is a choice and im trying to delight in my crazy boys and sincerely listen to them (they can tell when your acting), rub their backs, kiss their heads and be together in life with them, see them as a blessing like God says and not an imposition on my life. And I make it a point throughout the day to tell them i love them and build them up with some encouraging words. Thats not always easy especially when theyre acting up and driving me crazy but you know, someday i will be gone and all theyll have left is memories of how i was with them, how i treated them, did i have time for them or was i always putting them off. And you know, theyre going to treat their children like we have treated them which also puts a different perspective on things. But I want to make sweet simple memories with them of cuddling in the bed telling stories, playing board games- even video games, making brownies with me on the counter. I want them to know to the core of their soul that i love them. The things we do now- all those little things- matter. Ive noticed with 2 of my boys lately that they will have moments of almost frantically needing to do a specific thing that they use to do with their dad because it makes them feel connected to him. For Ben it was that he needed to see pictures of him with his dad. For Isaiah it's been needing to see a certain video that they use to watch together in George's truck when he would take them places. Little every day things that you don't even realize, mean so much. Chose joy, delight in their little faces, delight in your husbands face as well, make sweet memories, love love love them! PS. I miss him!!!

What are you sowing

Ive been spending a lot of time with the Lord lately, talking to Him about some things and pretty much saturating myself with His word. I have decided to sell my car because I can't really afford the gas for it. I have a certain amount in my budget and my car costs double that and I just dont have it. So i have had 2 used car options to chose from to replace my car and I have to say that tis has been one of the hardest decisions Ive had to make. It may seem dumb to some but I have spent endless hours researching, praying, stressing, losing sleep, even crying over this. I have discussed the situation with pretty much everyone i know, but it's not the same as it would be to discuss it with my husband. There are sooo many things we take for granted. I know there are women, and i am one of them too, who believe we could do things better then our husbands, make better decisions then them, run things better etc.. it's a deception and a total undermining of your marriage. Unfortunately you'll never really see it unless you either lose your husband or you go before our Father and ask Him if it's true for you. There's a verse in proverbs 31 that says " the heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain." Man, that's some meat right there. Think about it, can the heart of your husband trust you? His heart? Trust that you'll respect him and wont put him down disguised in a joke? Trust that you'll stand by his side when things get tough and not turn on him and pick on him or blame him like he doesn't do enough? Would you have the courage to ask him? I remember when i asked George, I cried because in my heart i think i knew the answer. And notice that the husbands gain is directly related to him being able to trust his wife. It's very interesting to me. And I know the men have a huge responsibility as well but us doing our job is not contingent on them doing theirs. Honor God, and He will honor you. We have influence, you know it's true because sadly we've all probably used our powers for evil :) (That was a joke- sorta) But what if we determined to use our influence to build up and encourage, to not see them as the enemy but to chose to love- love like we want to be loved? And you know, I know it's really easy for me to sit here and say all this because I don't have to do right now but ... when they're gone your whole life as you knew it ends, there's a huge empty place inside you, my spiritual covering of my husband is gone and I can actually feel that. And even if your marriage is really tough and you think you'd be better off without them- you wouldn't. You would feel those things too and you wouldn't care about any of it if you could just have them back. To just hold his face, kiss him and lay my head on his chest with his strong arms around me... Please, take my word for it. God can do anything and He is all about restoration. And if He says to do it, He'll help us and even bless us for our faith in Him.

Well, i have to say this was not at all what I intended to write about tonight but thats what came out. I was listening to cottonwood online tonight and Bayless said- there is more power in the word of God than we realize. And it's true. But once you receive His word you have to get it into your heart and hold tight to it and guard it because the scripture says that immediately the devil comes to steal that word from you. And he steals it by lying to you, whispering to you that it's not working just look at your circumstance. But the one who holds fast to His word is the one who reaps it's power with the good harvest. The others will reap a harvest too; they reap worry, fear, sickness, bitterness. Whatever seeds we sow into our lives, marriages, children- that is what we will reap. So what are you sowing?

God IS faithful

It's been 9 months today. All I can say is we have an amazing Father who loves us beyond measure and He IS faithful. Most nights when I sit here I shake my head in disbelief that my husband is gone. Tonight though, I shake my head in a sort of surreal amazement at what God has done for us and how far He's brought me. I remember every detail of 9 months ago at this exact moment. I remember who was here. I remember him wrestling with God. I remember him squeezing my arm about 40 minutes from this time as his spirit left his body. I remember watching his body takes it's last breath but he was already long gone. I remember kissing the top of his sweet bald head for the very last time-ever! But God, our Father moved right in to Georges place and there have been many days that I knew He was right beside me literally holding me up and walking me through. And here I sit, still sad and hurting, but ok and sometimes even good. I drove past he hospital where he was last week without even realizing that i had passed it. Usually I would almost get sick just knowing i had to go that direction. God has done amazing things for me... from the start He answered my prayer to meet someone at church 2 days after he passed who has been where I am that could tell me I was going to be ok. Not only that, but He also brought into my life some other amazing ladies who are widows or former widows who are just pillars of hope and strength for me. I have never felt more loved in my whole entire life. Sometimes I just want to burst, im just overwhelmed with His love and the love of His people. He has delivered me from all my credit card debt so we are completely debt free aside from the house. The bank approved our loan modification after saying they canceled it, which is another miracle. He's helped sell things and not just sell them but He provided really good people to buy them which matters to me and then the topper was the people would offer me more than what i had asked for. Ive had total strangers twice offer to let us live with them if ever we need to. The family actually just sent me a letter again a few weeks ago letting me know again that their home is always available to us. He's brought numerous people into my life to share with, help, hug and encourage. People have written me notes saying that they heard about our story and it's moved them to love their husbands and children more. He has spoken to me. He's held me tight through some of the worst sorrow and pain ive ever felt in my life. And just when I thought it would take me over, He would lift me out and comfort me. He's made me laugh, given me joy. He's telling the truth when He says in His word that sorrow may last for the night but joy comes in the morning. Some nights i would be so exhausted from being so sad that i would just go to bed holding onto that word. I just stand in awe of Him. Who Is like the Lord our God? Who? There's none. I'll praise Him forever for what He has done!