I hate worrying. I hate it when you wake up during the night and you have the temptation to worry. You know, a certain thought comes into your mind and then the battle starts. The worry thought comes, then God's word comes. Worry comes, God's word and on it goes. Meanwhile your adrenalin starts racing and by the time you've determined to rest in God, you're wide awake. Hence, me sitting here at 4am. I understand why Jesus said "Do not worry." I can see very clearly why "do not fear" is the thing He commanded most in one form or another because Im sure one our greatest temptations is to be afraid. Fear is a thief. And worry is the fruit of fear.

I feel like I have been through the ringer these last few weeks or so. I wish I could tell you the whole story in detail but it would be too long. Some of it I have already shared. While we were finishing up the work on the house I got pneumonia so Im already weak. After that I had strep throat. Then I came home to my house that morning and someone had gotten into the garage and stolen some things. At the end of pneumonia I had something else wrong, not sure still what it was, but I felt like I was in transitional labor for a few weeks. I was taking atleast 20 ibuprofen a day. My back hurt, my stomach hurt, all symptoms that George had had. So you can only guess what was being whispered in my ear. So we're living back home at this point, but I wasn't sleeping very much because I was afraid. Every sound I would here, every time a sensor light went on outside my heart would start racing. So then I went out to my car one morning and someone had been inside my car. My door was unlocked but the rest of the doors were locked, which is strange considering my doors automatically lock. So they took some things. (didn't get some other things though) And Im thinking... Is someone watching us? Is this the same person who stole our things from the garage? Are they going to try to get in the house too? On and On. And just as I was determining to not be afraid I started getting creepy text messages from people I didn't know and Im hit again. So as the labor like pains were ending I had a consistent pain in left side of my stomach so I went in to the Dr. He did an xray and said there's no blocks or tumors- thank God! Then at last minute he decided to do a test on my pancreas because it's close to that area. So I got a higher than normal test result which just freaked me out and sent me spiraling. So I go back to the Dr. he re-ran the test and it turns out IT was wrong- thank God again! Meantime Im trying to muscle up some faith because believe me- I had none. And it seemed like everytime i would try to gird up I would be hit with something else. I was bombarded. And even my well intended friends, who I know love me and would never hurt me were just saying things to me that were like piling weights in my already sinking boat. Finally I took a friend in the bathroom and just broke. I felt like the devil- the enemy of our soul- was trying to kill me. Now I know we live in a fallen world and that all the things that happen to us may not be spiritual BUT in corinthians it say's a spiritual man spiritually appraises ALL things. The spiritual world is just as real- if not more- than the world we see and we would be foolish to not pray and spiritually examine the things happening in our lives-especially how I was being bombarded. The scripture is pretty clear that we have an enemy. And his goal is to steal God's word from us, to lie, kill and destroy. And that's what he was trying to do to me. After i broke down in the bathroom with my sister, I went and got my life preserver- my bible- and we went in the bedroom and I just started reading through the psalms with her. It's amazing how God's word can just run over you and be like a drink of water in a desert land. So after some time of reading and regrouping my self, my friend left the room. So I was still sitting there reading when this teen age boy came in. He's a really sweet kid and he was crying. When I asked him what was wrong he said to me- that the next day would have been his mom's 50th birthday and that she died when he was 2 1/2 and that he missed her. I couldn't believe it!!! Seriously!! And then I could totally see him- the liar. I mean really? What are the chances of all of that just being random ( as my 10 yo would say). We have an enemy! And he tries to confuse us- A. about God's will for us; perverting the scriptures the make God out to be the one who lies, kills and destroys and Im sorry to say but the church buys it! God help us! You know the thing that made Him so angry with the people of israel in the wilderness was that they limited His power and they never came to know His ways. Hmmm. Something to think about. You know Canaan was their promise land and a picture not just of heaven being our promise land but also being a picture of us entering to posses anything God has promised us. God told them canaan was theirs, but they had to go in and take it. They had to believe what God said was true and act on it- that's what faith is. And when they sent the guys in to spy out the land and they came back with the report that the land was beautiful BUT they couldn't take it because there were giants in the land and they were like grasshoppers in their sight. Who told them they were like grasshoppers in their sight??? Read the story, it's very insightful. God called their report evil but it was true. Wasn't it? There were giants in the land- men 10ft tall! But they believed what they saw, how they felt and the lie that they were like grasshoppers over what God had said to them. They, like Joshua, should not have been moved by what they saw or how they felt and neither should we. That generation believed God was going to let them die in that wilderness and guess what? They got what they believed. Numbers 14: 28 Say to them, "As I live" says the Lord, " just as you have spoken in My hearing, so I will surely do to you. Your corpses shall fall in this wilderness..."He had had enough of their unbelief after He had proved Himself time and time again. And anytime we are believing God for something there is going to be warfare- count on it! The circumstance will always look contrary, there will always be giants and we are going to hear things like - you won't make it, you're going to die, lose your house, never be ahead, never have peace, God's not going to do it for you, that promise isn't for today, look at so and so...the list goes on. LOOK AT JESUS! When the storm is raging, look at Him- not anyone one or anything else. Im looking at Him and believe me I fail! Im coming off of an epic fail. ( to use another of my 10 yo's words) And there is grace and mercy and foregivness in abundance- thank God. But by that same token, He expects us to believe Him! What finally stirred me back to faith was listening to a teaching on David and goliath. I never realized that for forty days Goliath came and literally terrified the israelites. What was the fear- death and slavery. And every day they would would put on their armor like they were going to fight but they never fought. They just sat there. For 40 days they got suited up to walk around camp. Finally David comes and you know the story but what I love is how David doesn't care what the outside voices are saying ( and they were speaking, read the story) and says to goliath- You come to me with a sword, a spear and a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Hosts, the God of the armies of israel, whom you have taunted. This day the Lord will deliver you up into my hands and I will strike you down... I just saw myself there, girded up, but just sitting down terrified, not fighting. We have to believe what God says and fight. Put yourself there. Goliath is a type of the devil, taunting us and God, making us afraid, trying to kill and enslave us. Now I say- you come to me with sickness and fear but I come to you in the name of the Lord of Hosts, my God and my Father and He will deliver you into my hands for it is written.... and you fight. Jesus did it. I want to be of that spirit-like David- that he saw the same circumstance, the same giant as everyone else did, yet he believed God and hasted in faith toward the enemy with a stone and defeated him. And you know what? Jesus has disarmed and defeated our enemy! ( col 2: 14-15) He made an open show of him so we know how he works, and paul said we can be aware of his schemes. And we have our weapons eph 6. but it's not enough to just put on our armor. We must put it on and fight.

I had a sweet lady over the other night. I met her through facebook- really the Lord Im sure brought us together. Her husband had a heart attack and has been gone now for two years. She has two boys 3 and 5. While she was sharing what happened she said something to me that has stuck with me; "7 minutes"... Seven minutes is the time from him being fine to him being gone. Seven minutes! No good bye- nothing. Such a small increment of time that has now changed her life and her boys forever. She has had to press through far more than me. We cried together and I am so blessed and encouraged by her strength. It's amazing how having something like this can bring two strangers together and give us an automatic love for each other.

I have been reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. Francis Chan was the senior pastor of corner stone church in simi valley, ca. After much prayer Chan decided to quit his job as pastor ( which he never got paid for) sold his house and left the country with his wife and 3 girls. They now are traveling through Asia and India. He said he couldn't take it anymore when he started hearing his name more that God's or the Holy Spirit. People were trying to turn him into a super hero and he didn't want it- good for him! The book causes you to really look at your life with Christ. He said one particular thing that Iv been chewing on since the first chapter. It is this- " Most of us know .... that we are suppose to worship Him (God) with our lives. I know I knew that before on some level but it really hit me when I read it. Now whenever Im doing something I think - how am I worshipping You right now. It's really easy for me to worship God with hands raised in church. It's easy for me to worship Him by serving a neighbor or giving to someone. But how about when Im doing the dishes, cleaning up a huge spill on the just cleaned floor, or asking one of my boys for the 5 millionth time to pick up his shoes? Or how about today when I was walking through walmart with all the boys and Simeon was throwing a fit like- none -other because he wanted candy. He screamed through the whole entire store- no lie! And im thinking how is my life right now an act of worship to You? It really wasn't because once we got to the car I had a mom meltdown. But you know what? Even mom losing it- if done right- can be a beautiful picture of apology, grace and forgiveness.

Tomorrow is Ben's birthday. He will be 6. I remember so clearly the morning he was born.We had all of our babies at home. I did the work, George did the catching. My labor with Ben was a pain free 7 hours unlike my other 3 that were 12. I rocked in my birthing chair all night just singing praise songs and talking to my Father. At about 4 am I woke George and told he better get ready cause I was pretty sure the baby would be here soon. Ben was born at 5 am. He was quite a surprise considering they told us he was going to be a girl! Regardless, we were so happy and Im blessed to be his mom. He, out of all the boys, reminds me most of George. Everything about him; his smile, his toes, even his crooked little pinky fingers. I love how he says I amn't instead of I'm not. Makes me smile, and cry too. Have I said yet to love your husbands? Look past the things that bug you. Don't let bitterness or anger grow. Smile at them. Find reasons to delight in them- and your children too. Guard your treasure. Choose joy. Remember - 7 minutes!

Tonight i am just sad. I haven't really felt this sad in a while. I feel like Iv had a bunch of little things happen that have now just seemed to get to me. Things like: on Christmas eve one of the teenagers was playing guitar in my garage it took my breath away because i hadn't heard music come from there since the last time george was out there playing. The other day at the park one of the dads showed up and his son saw him across the grass and yelled daddy and ran to him, tonight we watched a nanny mcphee and first they get a note saying their dad died then it turned out to be a fake and ofcourse the movie ends with all the children running to their dad. I asked the boys if these kinds of shows make them think of their dad and they said yes and that it makes them sad. I wonder how often they have these moments where the realization hits them that they're missing something- someone. Im sure it happens alot and it breaks my heart. So today I just feel scrambled. I have been thinking about switching to a charter school ( don't hate me girls) so today i spent too many hours looking into them and searching out homeschool classes. I love having my kids home but sometimes teaching them is overwhelming, I feel inadequate to do everything on my own and i believe they could learn better in a classroom type setting but seriously 3 classes would cost over 1000! That's rediculous! So Im praying about things and waiting for God to lead.

I remember about 2 weeks after george went to heaven someone told me that people would move on and forget about us. I remember crying to God about it and He so clearly said to me: "I will not forget you." I have to say He has not. I have never felt for a second that He isn't right here with us- even when Im angry at Him. I am blessed beyond measure with some amazing sisters, family, and even people I have never met who hold us up and storm heaven in prayer on our behalf and i love you all for it! If your my facebook friend you have already seen this but I love it and it has been like water to my soul so ofcourse im going to share it again :)

God is our refuge and strength." Not our armies, or our fortresses. Israel's boast is in Jehovah, the only living and true God. Others vaunt their impregnable castles, placed on inaccessible rocks and secured with gates of iron, but God is a far better refuge from distress than all these: and when the time comes to carry the war into the enemy's territories, the Lord stands his people in better stead than all the valour of legions or the boasted strength of chariot and horse. Soldiers of the cross, remember this, and count yourselves safe, and make yourselves strong in God. Forget not the personal possessive word "our;" makes sure each one of your portions in God, that you may say, "He is my refuge and strength." Neither forget the fact that God is our refuge just now, in the immediate present, as truly as when David penned the word. God alone is our all in all. All other refuges are refuges of lies, all other strength is weakness, for power belongeth unto God: but as God is all-sufficient, our defence and might are equal to all emergencies. "A very present help in trouble," or in distresses he has so been found, he has been tried and proved by his people. He never withdraws himself from his afflicted. He is their help, truly, effectually, constantly; he is present or near them, close at their side and ready for their succour, and this is emphasised by the word "very" in our version, he is more present than friend or relative can be, yea, more nearly present than even the trouble itself

I love the last verse how it says He is more nearly present than even the trouble itself. When I read that I could just see Him quickly coming in between us and whatever our circumstance or trouble is. Still can see it now and that's what I hold onto- Him- our ever present help, the one who understands because He walked the road before me and now walks it with me, the one who has kind intentions toward me, the one who wouldn't give me a snake if I asked for a fish, the One who keeps His promises and cannot lie, the one who loved me more than His place of glory in heaven, the One who is able and says He can do exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever imagine, the one who says do not worry, let not your heart be troubled, I have loved you with an everlasting love and drawn you with loving kindness, the One who holds everything we see together and that is not moved by our circumstance but reaches down to deliver us from them, the One who holds us in His hands and says nothing can take us out! To Him be the glory forever and ever! I feel much better now! It's amazing what a change of your focus will make.

I can't sleep tonight

So much has been going on.... When my husband went home to heaven our house was a mess. We had no walls, plywood on some walls, no working heat, things were not good. About 2 months ago some amazing people in my homeschool group got together and created a beautiful home for us. ( I will post before and after pics on facebook soon) We were staying with my mom while the work was being done and a few days before we moved back in someone robbed us. I pulled up to the house and one of the garage doors was open and 2 of the gates. I told the boys to stay in the car while I checked things out. I didn't notice anything right away ( because they took stuff from the other side of the garage) but the boys noticed their playstation 2 was gone. Then I noticed there were some tools missing. The amazing thing is that about a week before I had a friend over and told her I wanted to take inventory of what was in there because i may try to sell some tools I won't ever use. So I had a list of what everything was, pictures, and serial numbers. Had I not had that I would have had no idea what was stolen. God is so amazing! He even starts working things out for us even before they happen! I have to admit though, I wasn't upset about the stuff. ( Well, I was upset about the boys playstation cause it's just wrong for your kids to have their stuff stolen) But I was upset that I was alone and fear tried to set in. And believe me, I know God is with me but I miss the presence of my husband. I was never afraid at night. If I heard a noise or the sensor light went on Id either curl up closer to him or if I really thought it was something Id wake him and he'd check it out. Now every sound seems to me magnified and every time that sensor light goes on it freaks me out, my adrenaline starts going and i watch to see if there's a shadow or something. So I stay up "on watch" until I just can't stay awake any longer and then I say to the Lord "ok, You'll have to take over now because I can't stay awake any longer." And then I lay there....

I miss my husband. Sometimes life is just going by and we're happy and I feel "over" the grief. It's hard to explain, but I feel "ok" without him but then something happens tha stirs things up again. The other day one of his friends texted me on accident :) After he realized who I was he told me that he was putting a scrapbook together for me and the boys about every conversation he had with my husband about how much he loved me and the boys. Just seeing the words- how much George loved you and the boys. For awhile i really missed hearing him say he loves me or getting a text but - im not sure the right words- i guess I had stopped thinking about it until his friend sent me that message. Now I really miss it! So much so that Im keeping the text from his friend and I've read it quite a few times. Yep, I miss him and so do my boys. So I'm hanging onto Jesus. He is my Rock, my Refuge, my Hiding Place, my Defender, my Life. I love the scripture in Isaiah 49: 15-16 that says- Can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even though these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands... The hebrew picture for that last verse means you're holding something so tight in your hand that it actually carves the imprint of that object into your hands. I just love that picture. And I believe He is holding onto us just like that. Going to try to go to bed now. Curl up extra close to your guys tonight and be thankful they're there.

Well, we just passed the one year mark. While I love and miss my husband, Im thankful this year is behind us and Im so glad that we have a God who is our Healer. Most people probably think the night my husband passed was the hardest day for me, but it wasn't. The hardest day was actually the next morning when I had to -gut wrenchingly- tell each one of my sons that their dad was gone. What it must have been like for them, that he was just physically gone from them... I really don't want to go there. The hardest part of this is feeling sad for their loss BUT GOD ( my two favorite words ), say's He is a Father to the Fatherless and Im holding on to that. The first year pretty much sucks- just sayin it like it is! The pain and sorrow roll over you like waves with no warning. You feel so desperate, praying you'll be able to make it through the moment. It reminds me of getting knocked over by a big wave in the ocean and your so scared and desperate to get to get your head above water and right when you do another wave knocks you down again. We were singing this song at cottonwood on sunday and we kept singing -Hosanna in the highest, let our King be lifted up, Hosanna. I never really knew what Hosanna meant. I thought it meant we were praising Him and they added- in the highest to make it even greater but I was wrong. I came home and looked it up and I love the picture this one person shared. Originally Hosanna meant " save us, bring salvation to us " sort of like if you were drowning you would call out for help, for someone to save you. But over time the meaning has changed and instead of the picture of drowning and calling out for someone to save you it has become what you would say if you were drowning and saw the person coming in to rescue you- hallelujah, He's here, we're saved! I loved that picture because I feel like it mirrors my life this last year. Just when I thought it would over take me, He would be right there. He is faithful and there is none like Him. So yes- Hosanna in the Highest to Him! He alone is worthy!
I have to say one more thought because part of my life's message now is to encourage you to love your husband. I was reading through some letters my husband had written me and I noticed in more than one that he said- I was the best part of this. He meant I was the best thing in his life here in this foreign territory. It brought to my mind the proverb that says -He who Finds a Wife Finds a Treasure And Receives Favor from the Lord. Don't you love that? We have the ability to be a treasure to our husbands. Unfortunately not all of us are. And ofcourse we aren't going to be all of the time but it's something to aim for. And again, like the pr 31 scripture I find it interesting that our husbands prosperity and favor is linked to us loving them and being their helpmates. I just love that when we are doing what God calls and equips us to do He see's us as treasures. So, does your husband have a treasure in you? :)

It's been quite a while since ive written. Actually Ive written but not finished anything to be able to post it. its amazing how fast the time goes by. It's coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband going home to heaven and all I can say is God, our Father, is faithful. I remember sitting at cottonwood 2 days after george passed and the man preaching got down on his hands and knees and was crawling across the floor saying -if this is you right now, even though other people may be smiling walking happily around you, you just keep going. Just keep looking at Jesus and before you know it you'll find yourself over here and you'll wonder how you got there and it will have been the Lord who carried you. He was absolutely right. It hasnt been easy, and even as Im writing tonight im hurting. It's a feeling that's hard to really explain. It's like being wounded but entails so many other feelings as well. It pretty much sucks! I miss him! I feel lost sometimes without him. To just be able to sit and talk with him... Ben has been coming up to me lately 5 or 6 times a day and hugs me and tells me that he misses his dad and wishes he was here. Sigh.... That's really the hardest part. It's just absolutely wrong for a child to be missing their mom or dad. I have learned though, that to make it through my darkest moments I must keep my eyes on Jesus. That is the answer, He is the answer. While there is nothing wrong with lettin it out to my friends, He alone is my Healer, and the One who is going to bring us through this. That's also true for whatever circumstance we ever face. Our answer is in Christ, not your pastor, husband, or friends. It's ok to seek their counsel but we must seek Him more. I was running the other night and even though I was running, I was going slow and being sorta lazy about it. And God spoke to me about how I was running! It amazes me the moments He sometimes choses to step in and show me something spiritual. He told me not to run like that, BUT to run with a purpose. Ive been thinking alot about that now, looking at some of the areas in my life that i may be running weakly or not even running at all. 1 corinthians 9:24 says Do you not know that all those who run in a race all run, but only one recieves the prize? Run in such a way that you may win!...Therefore I run in such a way as not without aim.. and paul says in Hebrews 12:1 let us also lay aside every encumberance- the things that weigh us down- and the sin that so easily entangles us and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us... This was an important message to the early believers at that time (and still is to us now) because they had began well ( believing in Christ ) but were throwing away their confidence in God and falling behind and were endanger of even quitting (Heb ch 10-12). All of these references to a christians life as a conflict, wrestling match, striving, labor, and in this case running a race show us we're going to have to hang tough and fight through some challenges in this life. The really good news is, this world is not our home! But while we are here God says Heb 12:2 that if we fix our eyes on Jesus...consider Him... what He endured, the promise is we wont grow weary and lose heart. That's how we make it through whatever we face- look at Jesus.

today was one of may hardest days of last year. it was the day that someone very close to me told me the Lord said that my husband wasn't going to make it. I knew she knew something and hadn't been telling me and i finally got it out of her. The Lord had told her 7 months before he ever had any symptom. That night I dreamed George died in my arms- just like he did- and I woke up sobbing and the worst part was I couldn't chalk it up to a bad dream. It was just as bad as when he actually did die, it was horrible. It's strange that a year has almost past. What's even stranger is that I feel so blessed and thankful for my life. Yes. I am still sad and do cry alot but gratitude just seems to be my anthem right now. Im not even kidding when I say that everyday I wake up in bed with my boys I thank God for our home and making the way for us to stay in it. Im thankful for amazing family and friends, for God's grace and strength to have brought us this far. Im thankful I haven't had to work and I can be here for my boys when they have questions or just want to sit in my lap and tell me they miss their dad. Simeon asked to look at pictures of "his daddy" yesterday. There was one of George in the hospital and I asked Sim if he remembered him and he said yes and then he told me about the one time he went to the hospital to see George and how he had french fries, chicken nuggets and played with the buttons on the bed. That amazed me that he remembered that from almost a year ago. I pray he remembers him. I see more changes happening with the boys now, pray for them and for me that God would give me wisdom on how to help them. Ben likes to draw pictures of him, I should put some here. Tonight he hugged me and said" wouldn't it be great mom if dad didn't die and he could be with us!"Isaiah has the code word "zingo" to let me know he's missing his dad and Isaac was crying tonight but said it was on accident :) We definately have our rough times but thank God for His faithfulness! Im sorry I haven't written more here. I have lots of partial posts but time just seems to fly by. Plus time is precious to me and while I still lose it and my boys drive me crazy I want our life to be "together" if that makes sense. I want to be involved in their world and I want them to be part of mine and if that means I can't write as much- im sorry. One last thing I wanted t share. I remember when he was on morphine and his liver was failing and he would mostly sleep. I would have to wake him to get him to take some medications, it was quite a task to get him awake and keep him awake just to take 4 pills. But when he would awake, he would look into my eyes and smile at me in delight. It makes me smile just thinking about it right now. I actually have it on video when he was singing to me one time and he got distracted and then just stared at me for a few seconds to focus again and gave me that look that he delighted in me. It's really sweet and something i treasure. I miss him!