today was one of may hardest days of last year. it was the day that someone very close to me told me the Lord said that my husband wasn't going to make it. I knew she knew something and hadn't been telling me and i finally got it out of her. The Lord had told her 7 months before he ever had any symptom. That night I dreamed George died in my arms- just like he did- and I woke up sobbing and the worst part was I couldn't chalk it up to a bad dream. It was just as bad as when he actually did die, it was horrible. It's strange that a year has almost past. What's even stranger is that I feel so blessed and thankful for my life. Yes. I am still sad and do cry alot but gratitude just seems to be my anthem right now. Im not even kidding when I say that everyday I wake up in bed with my boys I thank God for our home and making the way for us to stay in it. Im thankful for amazing family and friends, for God's grace and strength to have brought us this far. Im thankful I haven't had to work and I can be here for my boys when they have questions or just want to sit in my lap and tell me they miss their dad. Simeon asked to look at pictures of "his daddy" yesterday. There was one of George in the hospital and I asked Sim if he remembered him and he said yes and then he told me about the one time he went to the hospital to see George and how he had french fries, chicken nuggets and played with the buttons on the bed. That amazed me that he remembered that from almost a year ago. I pray he remembers him. I see more changes happening with the boys now, pray for them and for me that God would give me wisdom on how to help them. Ben likes to draw pictures of him, I should put some here. Tonight he hugged me and said" wouldn't it be great mom if dad didn't die and he could be with us!"Isaiah has the code word "zingo" to let me know he's missing his dad and Isaac was crying tonight but said it was on accident :) We definately have our rough times but thank God for His faithfulness! Im sorry I haven't written more here. I have lots of partial posts but time just seems to fly by. Plus time is precious to me and while I still lose it and my boys drive me crazy I want our life to be "together" if that makes sense. I want to be involved in their world and I want them to be part of mine and if that means I can't write as much- im sorry. One last thing I wanted t share. I remember when he was on morphine and his liver was failing and he would mostly sleep. I would have to wake him to get him to take some medications, it was quite a task to get him awake and keep him awake just to take 4 pills. But when he would awake, he would look into my eyes and smile at me in delight. It makes me smile just thinking about it right now. I actually have it on video when he was singing to me one time and he got distracted and then just stared at me for a few seconds to focus again and gave me that look that he delighted in me. It's really sweet and something i treasure. I miss him!

I just finished enjoying a warm piece of chocolate cake with vanilla bean ice cream and a small glass of milk. It would've only been better had my husband been here to share it with me. How many times have I said now how strange grief is. I can only describe it as a loooooong roller coaster ride. While life is speeding by we're going up and down, sometimes whoo hooing and sometimes holding on tight and screaming. There are dark moments, times when I feel alone and afraid because I don't know what's ahead for us. Then there are those beautiful moments when my Savior does something that touches my heart and reassures me that He knows right where we're at, He see's us, He hears every word I say to Him and He's taking care of us whether i can see it or not. Hmm bet that sounds like most lives hah?

My sister said to me the other day something to the effect of how awesome it is that george's in heaven walking with Jesus, he's where we long to be and just awesome that is. And you know I was a little ticked off at that. I can honestly say there has been only one time that i have actually been happy for him that he's free of this world. But when your the one living in and trying deal with the aftermath of death it sucks and frankly i get mad at him for leaving me to carry this. When you see the effects starting to show on your kids, when youre with other families and your child withdraws sadly because they see their friends with their dad, when something so minor causes them to just curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably- there's no words for it. It's just wrong and it compounds my sorrow. The other thing is making the choice to move forward. I think we can physically move forward but not allow our heart to and then your new life doesn't really start because youre heart is still holding on to something that's gone. I feel like im coming to that decision or maybe im realizing that although I thought I was starting this new life Im really not. I don't want it and yet part of me does want it. I miss my husband, i miss him painfully for the boys and as if life wasn't hard enough now they have no dad! But you know what, enough of this! Because the truth is God is greater than all of this. Yes I hurt, yes im so tired of crying, yes im scared, and yes I don't want to let go because i feel like im letting go of him and that's ok because my Father will help me. Yes my son's don't have an earthly dad but they have a Father in heaven who loves them far more than me who will love them, walk by their side and show them His goodness. One who also says they shall all be taught of Him and that their well being will be great. And you know, honestly most days when i wake up, my bed having been overtaken by all 4 of my boys during the night, and we're cuddling and talking in the morning drinking coffee and having hot chocolate I feel so incredibly blessed. I am so thankful to be able to still be home with them and that i havent had to get a job. Im thankful I can still homeschool and be part of the greatest group of women i've ever met. I am thankful beyond words that He made the way for us to keep our home for now and Im sure when the time comes He'll make the way for us again. I've been blessed to meet some other beautiful women who are sadly just starting the journey of being a widow but I get to love and encourage them and in return Im reminded constantly of all the way He has brought me. So Im not going to dwell on what we don't have and Im not going to worry about letting go and moving on. Im going to rest in my Dad knowing that He's faithful and able to handle come what may. This morning I opened my bible to psalm 109:21-22. It was circled and dated 11-12-2009 which was 6 days after george went to heaven. It reads- But You, O God, the Lord, deal kindly with me for Thy names sake; because Your loving kindness is good, deliver me; for I am afflicted and needy and my heart is wounded within me. Today I added vs 30 with my mouth I will give thanks abundantly to the Lord and in the midst of many I will praise Him for He stands at the right hand of the needy... and He does!

It seems to be getting harder to get here to post! While im sorry for that for those of you who come here, ive been realizing how much time i can spend here or face book that really takes away from my boys. So ive been spending way less time on things non eternal and trying to direct my time towards things that are going to matter for eternity and not just burn when they are put through Gods fire. 1 Cor 3:13-15. I was talking with my sister tonight about just that, about giving an account for what we did with our time, our life. And I said that God's going to want to know what we did with our families- our children. Contrary to what most congregations will say while they are trying to get you to serve in a multitude of their "ministries", our first ministry is our husbands and then our children and we should never be so busy serving in a building or even our community that our own family suffers or is lacking our quality time. Nomatter how good it looks, God's going to have some words with us if we put serving outside our family above serving our family. Our home is our number 1 mission field, it should be our top priority and is our training ground. That's where we learn to deny ourself and pick up our cross and follow Christ. Yes visiting the sick and bringing a meal to someone feels way better than the daily grind of our family life but lets be honest, is that really denying yourself and carrying our cross??? I don't think so. Some of you may know this story but some time ago while I was changing a really bad poopy diaper, having a complaining attitude, I was talking to the Lord and asking Him how He was going to use me where would I be serving... Im thinking leading people to Him, laying hands on the sick etc.. He said to me- what if this is what i want you to do? Meaning change the poopy diaper and raise up these kids. You know my answer was- Im not really gonna like that! Just being honest. It's not easy to stay at home loving your husband and raising your children, not to mention the world sees no value in it and it certainly doesnt feel as good as those other things BUT God says to do it. So that's what iv been working on and not just doing it but doing it with joy. Having joy is a choice and im trying to delight in my crazy boys and sincerely listen to them (they can tell when your acting), rub their backs, kiss their heads and be together in life with them, see them as a blessing like God says and not an imposition on my life. And I make it a point throughout the day to tell them i love them and build them up with some encouraging words. Thats not always easy especially when theyre acting up and driving me crazy but you know, someday i will be gone and all theyll have left is memories of how i was with them, how i treated them, did i have time for them or was i always putting them off. And you know, theyre going to treat their children like we have treated them which also puts a different perspective on things. But I want to make sweet simple memories with them of cuddling in the bed telling stories, playing board games- even video games, making brownies with me on the counter. I want them to know to the core of their soul that i love them. The things we do now- all those little things- matter. Ive noticed with 2 of my boys lately that they will have moments of almost frantically needing to do a specific thing that they use to do with their dad because it makes them feel connected to him. For Ben it was that he needed to see pictures of him with his dad. For Isaiah it's been needing to see a certain video that they use to watch together in George's truck when he would take them places. Little every day things that you don't even realize, mean so much. Chose joy, delight in their little faces, delight in your husbands face as well, make sweet memories, love love love them! PS. I miss him!!!