I can't sleep tonight

So much has been going on.... When my husband went home to heaven our house was a mess. We had no walls, plywood on some walls, no working heat, things were not good. About 2 months ago some amazing people in my homeschool group got together and created a beautiful home for us. ( I will post before and after pics on facebook soon) We were staying with my mom while the work was being done and a few days before we moved back in someone robbed us. I pulled up to the house and one of the garage doors was open and 2 of the gates. I told the boys to stay in the car while I checked things out. I didn't notice anything right away ( because they took stuff from the other side of the garage) but the boys noticed their playstation 2 was gone. Then I noticed there were some tools missing. The amazing thing is that about a week before I had a friend over and told her I wanted to take inventory of what was in there because i may try to sell some tools I won't ever use. So I had a list of what everything was, pictures, and serial numbers. Had I not had that I would have had no idea what was stolen. God is so amazing! He even starts working things out for us even before they happen! I have to admit though, I wasn't upset about the stuff. ( Well, I was upset about the boys playstation cause it's just wrong for your kids to have their stuff stolen) But I was upset that I was alone and fear tried to set in. And believe me, I know God is with me but I miss the presence of my husband. I was never afraid at night. If I heard a noise or the sensor light went on Id either curl up closer to him or if I really thought it was something Id wake him and he'd check it out. Now every sound seems to me magnified and every time that sensor light goes on it freaks me out, my adrenaline starts going and i watch to see if there's a shadow or something. So I stay up "on watch" until I just can't stay awake any longer and then I say to the Lord "ok, You'll have to take over now because I can't stay awake any longer." And then I lay there....

I miss my husband. Sometimes life is just going by and we're happy and I feel "over" the grief. It's hard to explain, but I feel "ok" without him but then something happens tha stirs things up again. The other day one of his friends texted me on accident :) After he realized who I was he told me that he was putting a scrapbook together for me and the boys about every conversation he had with my husband about how much he loved me and the boys. Just seeing the words- how much George loved you and the boys. For awhile i really missed hearing him say he loves me or getting a text but - im not sure the right words- i guess I had stopped thinking about it until his friend sent me that message. Now I really miss it! So much so that Im keeping the text from his friend and I've read it quite a few times. Yep, I miss him and so do my boys. So I'm hanging onto Jesus. He is my Rock, my Refuge, my Hiding Place, my Defender, my Life. I love the scripture in Isaiah 49: 15-16 that says- Can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even though these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands... The hebrew picture for that last verse means you're holding something so tight in your hand that it actually carves the imprint of that object into your hands. I just love that picture. And I believe He is holding onto us just like that. Going to try to go to bed now. Curl up extra close to your guys tonight and be thankful they're there.

Well, we just passed the one year mark. While I love and miss my husband, Im thankful this year is behind us and Im so glad that we have a God who is our Healer. Most people probably think the night my husband passed was the hardest day for me, but it wasn't. The hardest day was actually the next morning when I had to -gut wrenchingly- tell each one of my sons that their dad was gone. What it must have been like for them, that he was just physically gone from them... I really don't want to go there. The hardest part of this is feeling sad for their loss BUT GOD ( my two favorite words ), say's He is a Father to the Fatherless and Im holding on to that. The first year pretty much sucks- just sayin it like it is! The pain and sorrow roll over you like waves with no warning. You feel so desperate, praying you'll be able to make it through the moment. It reminds me of getting knocked over by a big wave in the ocean and your so scared and desperate to get to get your head above water and right when you do another wave knocks you down again. We were singing this song at cottonwood on sunday and we kept singing -Hosanna in the highest, let our King be lifted up, Hosanna. I never really knew what Hosanna meant. I thought it meant we were praising Him and they added- in the highest to make it even greater but I was wrong. I came home and looked it up and I love the picture this one person shared. Originally Hosanna meant " save us, bring salvation to us " sort of like if you were drowning you would call out for help, for someone to save you. But over time the meaning has changed and instead of the picture of drowning and calling out for someone to save you it has become what you would say if you were drowning and saw the person coming in to rescue you- hallelujah, He's here, we're saved! I loved that picture because I feel like it mirrors my life this last year. Just when I thought it would over take me, He would be right there. He is faithful and there is none like Him. So yes- Hosanna in the Highest to Him! He alone is worthy!
I have to say one more thought because part of my life's message now is to encourage you to love your husband. I was reading through some letters my husband had written me and I noticed in more than one that he said- I was the best part of this. He meant I was the best thing in his life here in this foreign territory. It brought to my mind the proverb that says -He who Finds a Wife Finds a Treasure And Receives Favor from the Lord. Don't you love that? We have the ability to be a treasure to our husbands. Unfortunately not all of us are. And ofcourse we aren't going to be all of the time but it's something to aim for. And again, like the pr 31 scripture I find it interesting that our husbands prosperity and favor is linked to us loving them and being their helpmates. I just love that when we are doing what God calls and equips us to do He see's us as treasures. So, does your husband have a treasure in you? :)

It's been quite a while since ive written. Actually Ive written but not finished anything to be able to post it. its amazing how fast the time goes by. It's coming up on the one year anniversary of my husband going home to heaven and all I can say is God, our Father, is faithful. I remember sitting at cottonwood 2 days after george passed and the man preaching got down on his hands and knees and was crawling across the floor saying -if this is you right now, even though other people may be smiling walking happily around you, you just keep going. Just keep looking at Jesus and before you know it you'll find yourself over here and you'll wonder how you got there and it will have been the Lord who carried you. He was absolutely right. It hasnt been easy, and even as Im writing tonight im hurting. It's a feeling that's hard to really explain. It's like being wounded but entails so many other feelings as well. It pretty much sucks! I miss him! I feel lost sometimes without him. To just be able to sit and talk with him... Ben has been coming up to me lately 5 or 6 times a day and hugs me and tells me that he misses his dad and wishes he was here. Sigh.... That's really the hardest part. It's just absolutely wrong for a child to be missing their mom or dad. I have learned though, that to make it through my darkest moments I must keep my eyes on Jesus. That is the answer, He is the answer. While there is nothing wrong with lettin it out to my friends, He alone is my Healer, and the One who is going to bring us through this. That's also true for whatever circumstance we ever face. Our answer is in Christ, not your pastor, husband, or friends. It's ok to seek their counsel but we must seek Him more. I was running the other night and even though I was running, I was going slow and being sorta lazy about it. And God spoke to me about how I was running! It amazes me the moments He sometimes choses to step in and show me something spiritual. He told me not to run like that, BUT to run with a purpose. Ive been thinking alot about that now, looking at some of the areas in my life that i may be running weakly or not even running at all. 1 corinthians 9:24 says Do you not know that all those who run in a race all run, but only one recieves the prize? Run in such a way that you may win!...Therefore I run in such a way as not without aim.. and paul says in Hebrews 12:1 let us also lay aside every encumberance- the things that weigh us down- and the sin that so easily entangles us and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us... This was an important message to the early believers at that time (and still is to us now) because they had began well ( believing in Christ ) but were throwing away their confidence in God and falling behind and were endanger of even quitting (Heb ch 10-12). All of these references to a christians life as a conflict, wrestling match, striving, labor, and in this case running a race show us we're going to have to hang tough and fight through some challenges in this life. The really good news is, this world is not our home! But while we are here God says Heb 12:2 that if we fix our eyes on Jesus...consider Him... what He endured, the promise is we wont grow weary and lose heart. That's how we make it through whatever we face- look at Jesus.

today was one of may hardest days of last year. it was the day that someone very close to me told me the Lord said that my husband wasn't going to make it. I knew she knew something and hadn't been telling me and i finally got it out of her. The Lord had told her 7 months before he ever had any symptom. That night I dreamed George died in my arms- just like he did- and I woke up sobbing and the worst part was I couldn't chalk it up to a bad dream. It was just as bad as when he actually did die, it was horrible. It's strange that a year has almost past. What's even stranger is that I feel so blessed and thankful for my life. Yes. I am still sad and do cry alot but gratitude just seems to be my anthem right now. Im not even kidding when I say that everyday I wake up in bed with my boys I thank God for our home and making the way for us to stay in it. Im thankful for amazing family and friends, for God's grace and strength to have brought us this far. Im thankful I haven't had to work and I can be here for my boys when they have questions or just want to sit in my lap and tell me they miss their dad. Simeon asked to look at pictures of "his daddy" yesterday. There was one of George in the hospital and I asked Sim if he remembered him and he said yes and then he told me about the one time he went to the hospital to see George and how he had french fries, chicken nuggets and played with the buttons on the bed. That amazed me that he remembered that from almost a year ago. I pray he remembers him. I see more changes happening with the boys now, pray for them and for me that God would give me wisdom on how to help them. Ben likes to draw pictures of him, I should put some here. Tonight he hugged me and said" wouldn't it be great mom if dad didn't die and he could be with us!"Isaiah has the code word "zingo" to let me know he's missing his dad and Isaac was crying tonight but said it was on accident :) We definately have our rough times but thank God for His faithfulness! Im sorry I haven't written more here. I have lots of partial posts but time just seems to fly by. Plus time is precious to me and while I still lose it and my boys drive me crazy I want our life to be "together" if that makes sense. I want to be involved in their world and I want them to be part of mine and if that means I can't write as much- im sorry. One last thing I wanted t share. I remember when he was on morphine and his liver was failing and he would mostly sleep. I would have to wake him to get him to take some medications, it was quite a task to get him awake and keep him awake just to take 4 pills. But when he would awake, he would look into my eyes and smile at me in delight. It makes me smile just thinking about it right now. I actually have it on video when he was singing to me one time and he got distracted and then just stared at me for a few seconds to focus again and gave me that look that he delighted in me. It's really sweet and something i treasure. I miss him!

I just finished enjoying a warm piece of chocolate cake with vanilla bean ice cream and a small glass of milk. It would've only been better had my husband been here to share it with me. How many times have I said now how strange grief is. I can only describe it as a loooooong roller coaster ride. While life is speeding by we're going up and down, sometimes whoo hooing and sometimes holding on tight and screaming. There are dark moments, times when I feel alone and afraid because I don't know what's ahead for us. Then there are those beautiful moments when my Savior does something that touches my heart and reassures me that He knows right where we're at, He see's us, He hears every word I say to Him and He's taking care of us whether i can see it or not. Hmm bet that sounds like most lives hah?

My sister said to me the other day something to the effect of how awesome it is that george's in heaven walking with Jesus, he's where we long to be and just awesome that is. And you know I was a little ticked off at that. I can honestly say there has been only one time that i have actually been happy for him that he's free of this world. But when your the one living in and trying deal with the aftermath of death it sucks and frankly i get mad at him for leaving me to carry this. When you see the effects starting to show on your kids, when youre with other families and your child withdraws sadly because they see their friends with their dad, when something so minor causes them to just curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably- there's no words for it. It's just wrong and it compounds my sorrow. The other thing is making the choice to move forward. I think we can physically move forward but not allow our heart to and then your new life doesn't really start because youre heart is still holding on to something that's gone. I feel like im coming to that decision or maybe im realizing that although I thought I was starting this new life Im really not. I don't want it and yet part of me does want it. I miss my husband, i miss him painfully for the boys and as if life wasn't hard enough now they have no dad! But you know what, enough of this! Because the truth is God is greater than all of this. Yes I hurt, yes im so tired of crying, yes im scared, and yes I don't want to let go because i feel like im letting go of him and that's ok because my Father will help me. Yes my son's don't have an earthly dad but they have a Father in heaven who loves them far more than me who will love them, walk by their side and show them His goodness. One who also says they shall all be taught of Him and that their well being will be great. And you know, honestly most days when i wake up, my bed having been overtaken by all 4 of my boys during the night, and we're cuddling and talking in the morning drinking coffee and having hot chocolate I feel so incredibly blessed. I am so thankful to be able to still be home with them and that i havent had to get a job. Im thankful I can still homeschool and be part of the greatest group of women i've ever met. I am thankful beyond words that He made the way for us to keep our home for now and Im sure when the time comes He'll make the way for us again. I've been blessed to meet some other beautiful women who are sadly just starting the journey of being a widow but I get to love and encourage them and in return Im reminded constantly of all the way He has brought me. So Im not going to dwell on what we don't have and Im not going to worry about letting go and moving on. Im going to rest in my Dad knowing that He's faithful and able to handle come what may. This morning I opened my bible to psalm 109:21-22. It was circled and dated 11-12-2009 which was 6 days after george went to heaven. It reads- But You, O God, the Lord, deal kindly with me for Thy names sake; because Your loving kindness is good, deliver me; for I am afflicted and needy and my heart is wounded within me. Today I added vs 30 with my mouth I will give thanks abundantly to the Lord and in the midst of many I will praise Him for He stands at the right hand of the needy... and He does!

It seems to be getting harder to get here to post! While im sorry for that for those of you who come here, ive been realizing how much time i can spend here or face book that really takes away from my boys. So ive been spending way less time on things non eternal and trying to direct my time towards things that are going to matter for eternity and not just burn when they are put through Gods fire. 1 Cor 3:13-15. I was talking with my sister tonight about just that, about giving an account for what we did with our time, our life. And I said that God's going to want to know what we did with our families- our children. Contrary to what most congregations will say while they are trying to get you to serve in a multitude of their "ministries", our first ministry is our husbands and then our children and we should never be so busy serving in a building or even our community that our own family suffers or is lacking our quality time. Nomatter how good it looks, God's going to have some words with us if we put serving outside our family above serving our family. Our home is our number 1 mission field, it should be our top priority and is our training ground. That's where we learn to deny ourself and pick up our cross and follow Christ. Yes visiting the sick and bringing a meal to someone feels way better than the daily grind of our family life but lets be honest, is that really denying yourself and carrying our cross??? I don't think so. Some of you may know this story but some time ago while I was changing a really bad poopy diaper, having a complaining attitude, I was talking to the Lord and asking Him how He was going to use me where would I be serving... Im thinking leading people to Him, laying hands on the sick etc.. He said to me- what if this is what i want you to do? Meaning change the poopy diaper and raise up these kids. You know my answer was- Im not really gonna like that! Just being honest. It's not easy to stay at home loving your husband and raising your children, not to mention the world sees no value in it and it certainly doesnt feel as good as those other things BUT God says to do it. So that's what iv been working on and not just doing it but doing it with joy. Having joy is a choice and im trying to delight in my crazy boys and sincerely listen to them (they can tell when your acting), rub their backs, kiss their heads and be together in life with them, see them as a blessing like God says and not an imposition on my life. And I make it a point throughout the day to tell them i love them and build them up with some encouraging words. Thats not always easy especially when theyre acting up and driving me crazy but you know, someday i will be gone and all theyll have left is memories of how i was with them, how i treated them, did i have time for them or was i always putting them off. And you know, theyre going to treat their children like we have treated them which also puts a different perspective on things. But I want to make sweet simple memories with them of cuddling in the bed telling stories, playing board games- even video games, making brownies with me on the counter. I want them to know to the core of their soul that i love them. The things we do now- all those little things- matter. Ive noticed with 2 of my boys lately that they will have moments of almost frantically needing to do a specific thing that they use to do with their dad because it makes them feel connected to him. For Ben it was that he needed to see pictures of him with his dad. For Isaiah it's been needing to see a certain video that they use to watch together in George's truck when he would take them places. Little every day things that you don't even realize, mean so much. Chose joy, delight in their little faces, delight in your husbands face as well, make sweet memories, love love love them! PS. I miss him!!!

What are you sowing

Ive been spending a lot of time with the Lord lately, talking to Him about some things and pretty much saturating myself with His word. I have decided to sell my car because I can't really afford the gas for it. I have a certain amount in my budget and my car costs double that and I just dont have it. So i have had 2 used car options to chose from to replace my car and I have to say that tis has been one of the hardest decisions Ive had to make. It may seem dumb to some but I have spent endless hours researching, praying, stressing, losing sleep, even crying over this. I have discussed the situation with pretty much everyone i know, but it's not the same as it would be to discuss it with my husband. There are sooo many things we take for granted. I know there are women, and i am one of them too, who believe we could do things better then our husbands, make better decisions then them, run things better etc.. it's a deception and a total undermining of your marriage. Unfortunately you'll never really see it unless you either lose your husband or you go before our Father and ask Him if it's true for you. There's a verse in proverbs 31 that says " the heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain." Man, that's some meat right there. Think about it, can the heart of your husband trust you? His heart? Trust that you'll respect him and wont put him down disguised in a joke? Trust that you'll stand by his side when things get tough and not turn on him and pick on him or blame him like he doesn't do enough? Would you have the courage to ask him? I remember when i asked George, I cried because in my heart i think i knew the answer. And notice that the husbands gain is directly related to him being able to trust his wife. It's very interesting to me. And I know the men have a huge responsibility as well but us doing our job is not contingent on them doing theirs. Honor God, and He will honor you. We have influence, you know it's true because sadly we've all probably used our powers for evil :) (That was a joke- sorta) But what if we determined to use our influence to build up and encourage, to not see them as the enemy but to chose to love- love like we want to be loved? And you know, I know it's really easy for me to sit here and say all this because I don't have to do right now but ... when they're gone your whole life as you knew it ends, there's a huge empty place inside you, my spiritual covering of my husband is gone and I can actually feel that. And even if your marriage is really tough and you think you'd be better off without them- you wouldn't. You would feel those things too and you wouldn't care about any of it if you could just have them back. To just hold his face, kiss him and lay my head on his chest with his strong arms around me... Please, take my word for it. God can do anything and He is all about restoration. And if He says to do it, He'll help us and even bless us for our faith in Him.

Well, i have to say this was not at all what I intended to write about tonight but thats what came out. I was listening to cottonwood online tonight and Bayless said- there is more power in the word of God than we realize. And it's true. But once you receive His word you have to get it into your heart and hold tight to it and guard it because the scripture says that immediately the devil comes to steal that word from you. And he steals it by lying to you, whispering to you that it's not working just look at your circumstance. But the one who holds fast to His word is the one who reaps it's power with the good harvest. The others will reap a harvest too; they reap worry, fear, sickness, bitterness. Whatever seeds we sow into our lives, marriages, children- that is what we will reap. So what are you sowing?

God IS faithful

It's been 9 months today. All I can say is we have an amazing Father who loves us beyond measure and He IS faithful. Most nights when I sit here I shake my head in disbelief that my husband is gone. Tonight though, I shake my head in a sort of surreal amazement at what God has done for us and how far He's brought me. I remember every detail of 9 months ago at this exact moment. I remember who was here. I remember him wrestling with God. I remember him squeezing my arm about 40 minutes from this time as his spirit left his body. I remember watching his body takes it's last breath but he was already long gone. I remember kissing the top of his sweet bald head for the very last time-ever! But God, our Father moved right in to Georges place and there have been many days that I knew He was right beside me literally holding me up and walking me through. And here I sit, still sad and hurting, but ok and sometimes even good. I drove past he hospital where he was last week without even realizing that i had passed it. Usually I would almost get sick just knowing i had to go that direction. God has done amazing things for me... from the start He answered my prayer to meet someone at church 2 days after he passed who has been where I am that could tell me I was going to be ok. Not only that, but He also brought into my life some other amazing ladies who are widows or former widows who are just pillars of hope and strength for me. I have never felt more loved in my whole entire life. Sometimes I just want to burst, im just overwhelmed with His love and the love of His people. He has delivered me from all my credit card debt so we are completely debt free aside from the house. The bank approved our loan modification after saying they canceled it, which is another miracle. He's helped sell things and not just sell them but He provided really good people to buy them which matters to me and then the topper was the people would offer me more than what i had asked for. Ive had total strangers twice offer to let us live with them if ever we need to. The family actually just sent me a letter again a few weeks ago letting me know again that their home is always available to us. He's brought numerous people into my life to share with, help, hug and encourage. People have written me notes saying that they heard about our story and it's moved them to love their husbands and children more. He has spoken to me. He's held me tight through some of the worst sorrow and pain ive ever felt in my life. And just when I thought it would take me over, He would lift me out and comfort me. He's made me laugh, given me joy. He's telling the truth when He says in His word that sorrow may last for the night but joy comes in the morning. Some nights i would be so exhausted from being so sad that i would just go to bed holding onto that word. I just stand in awe of Him. Who Is like the Lord our God? Who? There's none. I'll praise Him forever for what He has done!

Im a mess tonight. Im just getting blindsided by all this sorrow. I hate to even write about it here because it's just the same thing over and over again. I just sit here in disbelief that he's gone. I just can't wrap my heart around that. Im so stinkin sad. I feel like a huge hypocrite. At home the kids see me, im a crying yelling mess but out of the house I have the game face on. Ive been watching this video I have of him. It was 4 days before he died and I just wanted to video tape him saying he loves me. He did a little video for each of the boys and I wanted one for me. He ofcourse had to be silly and sing it and right when he started Simeon grabbed his feet and hurt him and he started yelling. His toes were all turning black from... I don't even know what. Isaac made a funny comment- "that was a funny song Dad" which kinda made him smile. He did end up singing it. I just wanted him to say he loves me...how we take hearing those words for granted. I don't know.... I just sit here shaking my head, how can this be? I miss him. I want to be over all this. Im exhausted from being so emotional. Ugh!

This last week or so I feel like ive entered a new area of grief. Im not sure if grieving is the same for everyone or how the whole grief process works but I know the One who heals the broken hearted and man, am I counting on Him. Lately though I feel... abandoned, I feel like he left me. I know in my mind that's not true but that is how I feel and im mad at him. Im mad because he's in glory and im here bearing a burden I can't humanly carry. Im mad because I need him! I need him to bounce my thoughts off of, to help me make decisions that he would have been the one making. I need him for the great big things and dumb little fix it things. Tonight I heard something in the backyard ( which i believe was the pitbull living behind me ) so i loaded my gun and went out to investigate it. And iv had to do that a few times before. Don't get me wrong im not a whinny wimpy girl, I know i can do all this, but theres a magnitude of this that really only me and God get- unless you too have lost your husband. Every decision, I have to make. The financial burden is on me. Im the protector of the family now ( I know God keeps us ), Im the one the boys come to now if something is broken and needs to be fixed and I don't know how to fix it but George would have. Im the one living totally by faith without someone that when things get tough and I dont have him to lean on or to pray for me or just be the calm in my storm. Today,without any warning, I became so overwhelmed with sorrow and anger that i took my pillow and went into the back of the garage and i screamed and cried for like an hour. I also took the door knob so the boys couldnt follow me out. And I could hear the boys fighting and acting up but I just couldnt deal with them in the condition I was in. After I got it out, I was fine. And Im not having a pity party i just want people to know this is how it is. You feel a little crazy sometimes :) Emotions changing drastically without warning and for no apparent reason. But God is so amazing. I don't know how anyone could do this without Him. He is my Rock, my Refuge. Though my life is rocking from this storm right now, I know i wont be moved because He is the Anchor of my soul. And I praise Him for His faithfulness.

Today is my oldest son, Isaac's 10th birthday. Its hard to believe how fast life just zooms by you. I gave birth to him at home and George's arms were the first to hold him. I remember every detail of it like it was yesterday. I also remember his birthday last year. He got a bunch of squirt guns for gifts. I remember the boys laying in wait in the kitchen when they heard his truck coming and then as he was walking up to the house they ambushed him. He and Isaac made a skateboard together that night. That skateboard has since been stolen, Isaac misses it. It's nice to look back on that memory with happiness. Although now that Im writing about it it is stirring up some sorrow. I miss him. I miss his strength, his smile. I miss the boys not having him. I was reading this morning in the book of Hosea. I just love that book. Maybe because I can relate to Gomer. I fully remember being enslaved to things before coming to Christ. But then to know Him and to have Him speak His beautiful words upon my heart and redeem me from that life I lived...there really are no words...I love Him for it. So Hosea is one of the most beautiful scriptures to me. Israel is going down and this is Gods last gracious attempt to restore them to Himself and I love that He uses a marriage /love relationship to demonstrate the picture because we all would understand that. God tells Hosea to marry a harlot named Gomer. Gomer, like Israel and us, seeks other lovers and deserts Hosea. In spite of the depth to which her sin carries her, Hosea redeems her from the slave market and restores her. Ch 2 God says "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, Bring her into the wilderness And speak upon her heart. Then I will give her her vineyards from there, And the valley of Achor (trouble) as a door of hope And she will sing there as in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. It will come about in that day," declares the LORD, That you will call Me Ishi ( Husband) And will no longer call Me Baali. (master) For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, So that they will be mentioned by their names no more...I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD.( Another translation says; And then I'll marry you for good—forever! I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness. Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. You'll know me, God, for who I really am.) ...I will sow her for Myself in the land I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion, And I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people! And they will say, You are my God!

Isnt that beautiful? Those were Gods last attempt words to bring Israel back to Himself. I just find Him amazing, the lengths that He goes to to show us His love for us. Think about it.

found this letter from my husband today. Thought Id share part of him with you.

Iv'e been reliving for about a week now where we were last year at this time. The 4th of July is sort of a marker for when things started happening. George had just begun having stomach trouble but there was no pain or anything so he didn't think anything of it. It certainly never- ever- entered my mind that 4 months, 2 days, and a few hours down the road id being holding him while he died. I mentioned before how i feel so sensitive to the comments i hear wives make to or about their husbands now. I was sitting with some friends the other day and they were taIking about their husbands short comings, their lack of spiritual leadership, their lack of wanting to be doing things all the time, how they wished they were like this other man and one even said she had wished she would have married " a ( spiritual) man like that." I see it in most marriages- i did it too. I was unhappy with George a lot. Sometimes i look back and wonder if i was ever happy with him. I was angry or unhappy with something way more than I even want to admit to you. And honestly, it wasns't because he had done anything wrong. I think I was maybe just discontent and instead of finding my peace and fulfillment in the Lord he became an easy target for me to focus on as the problem for why I was unhappy. My answer to my friends was that i think we'd still be unhappy with them even if they were spiritual leaders because they probably wouldn't do it like we think they should. I feel like- sadly- that George and many other husbands feel like nothing they ever do is good enough. The subtle little comments are just little put downs disguised in some laughter. It's sad and what i really wanted to say to my friends and to anyone who reads this- just love them! Be thankful that you have them. You can't really realize how they are a covering for you until their gone- but they are. George may not have read the bible like I thought he should but he'd give his shirt of his back to someone and he would have laid down his life for me and the boys. Find your joy and contentment in our Father because you won't find it in your husband. Instead of pointing out their problems, LOVE THEM LIKE THEY ARE ALL YOU DESIRE THEM TO BE and maybe they'll rise up to that instead of shrinking down under the criticism. Marriage is suppose to be a picture of the great mystery of Christ and His Bride- us, the church. It's suppose to be a picture of unconditional, sacrificial love and forgiveness not based on the performance of the other. And ofcourse we all mess up. But the only way you can love like that is if you're finding the source of all your needs in God.
So like i said, the 4th of July is a marker for me and sadly we spent the day fighting. Actually I was fighting with him. (George rarely fought with me.) He didn't do anything wrong. I was struggling with something and instead of going to the Lord for my help, I made the problem about him and it wasn't. Im even sadder to admit I kept on about that stupid thing for days after. What a waste of time! Now don't get me wrong, Im not beating myself up. I have no regrets. In those last weeks believe me, i loved him. And what kind of spiritual leader he was at that point did not matter. But you may not get the opportunity I did. We need to humble ourselves more, they will respond to that. Get down on your knees and wash their feet and see the response you get. Have more sex with them- yes, I said it! Philipians 2 says Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. That's our example of how to love. That's what we should strive for.

Just wanted to say today was a much much better day! Im trying to change my perspective a little bit and consider the place where my boys are at. It's easy for me to forget that they have feelings about what's going too. Just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean they're not there. And if they're feeling like i feel a lot of the time no wonder their aggression has escalated and they're easy provoked. So my prayer is that God keeps me mindful and sensitive to them and their needs. So please keep praying for us! And i made it threw the whole day without yelling once! I know for some of you moms that doesn't seem like much but for me at this time of our life it's huge. Praise God!

It's NOT a good day today! It should be, but it isn't. I just got through smashing one of my boys toys on the floor over and over and over again. So now he's laying in his bed crying but you know im tired of them fighting over some stupid broken 7.00 toy that they only care about because their brother has it. I don't think i had 2 minutes today that they weren't fighting. I wake up to them bickering. If one doesn't move fast enough out of the way of the other all hell just breaks loose. Then it's something aaaalllllll day long! So i've just come to the place where they each have to sit separate from each other and they can't even speak. I can't live like this- it breaks me. And they aren't allowed to see their friends until they get along. I don't care if they like each other but the fighting will stop. Pray for me, im not being a very good mom and i have no idea what the heck im even doing.
So citibank approved our loan modification. I know that's a miracle and believe me i once again stand in awe of the faithfulness of our God. But what should have been a time of joy was more a time of grieving. Iv been crying all day. It's just one MORE thing that he's removed from and I really can't explain it or why i feel it but it's one of those deep in the gut sorrows. And it sucks. And once again there's not a thing i can do about it and that pisses me off too. You have to just keep walking your way through. I have a picture of him that i took the day before he died and i was looking at it today thinking it couldn't possibly have been him. I still just can't believe it. I know I've said that 1000 times but i still just can't wrap my heart around it. I was thinking today about a night when he was first in the hospital and he was having something done to see the tumor and i was by his bed crying and I told him i was afraid and he took my hand and said " it's ok, lean on my strength." I miss him. I feel alone. I know Im not, but in a way I am. The sorrow is a little unbearable tonight. I know God will see me through but please pray for me.
Ps 69 Save me O God, I have come into deep waters and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying...answer me with Your saving truth...Answer me O Lord, for Your lovingkindness is good, according to the greatness of Your compassion turn to me...for I am in distress, answer me quickly...oh Lord, draw near to my soul...

Grief is a strange thing. I get taken by surprise by some of the things that remind me of certain times. Isaiah my 7 yo told me the other night that he doesn't like going to a certain place that we go to every week because as soon as he walks in their backyard he thinks of his dad and get's sad. But when we go home he forgets and isn't sad anymore. The strange thing is that george never went to this place with us. And I found that really interesting that it made him think of him when we go there. Today i cleaned my house- the whole thing and even got my laundry put away! It was a small miracle, believe me! I used a special cleaner on the tile on my kitchen floor and some time later i walked on it and somehow just the feel of it under my feet brought me back to the day George put the tile in and I was just immediately brought back to that memory of him just from walking on my tile- which i've done countless times but something was different about it today. It's weird. But you know, that's how this goes. There's no rhyme or reason to it, just a trust that God is leading us all through. I decided not to go to cottonwood this weekend. Im not sure if they will be doing a message about dad's but Id rather not take the chance. Plus i didnt want the boys to feel uncomfortable in their classes if they were having the kids draw pictures for their dads. So I think tomorrow we will see what's playing at the dollar movie theatre and eat a bunch of junk food. Im praying the day passes sorta quickly for us and that whatever we decide to do we will be able to remember George with joy. I have to say as I was typing right now that Ben my 5yo came out of his bed and started to go into the kitchen to pee. That's not the first time he's done that and fortunately I've caught him and was able to redirect him in time. I should be hearing about if we'll be able to keep the house or not within this next week so please pray for us. Ill let you know what happens. And as of a few days ago i became totally credit card debt free. God is so faithful! And i have to just say, before george passed we had one credit left that we didnt owe on and it was in his name only. And i remember it was expiring october 31 and on that night ( which was 6 days before he died) I was laying in bed so tempted to go online and buy gift cards to target and the market because i didnt know what was going to happen to us and I thought we might need them. But I couldn't do it. I said to the Lord- if I do this, then Im saying that You wont provide for us. I just couldn't say that. And here i sit, hafting to declare His faithfulness because He has, is and I know will continue to take care of us. He has not changed. He is our Dad and He loves us and longs to be gracious to us. I have no words....just absolute thankfulness to Him!

My life has become insanely busy. I feel like im always on the go. Being a single parent is beyond difficult! I constantly feel like Im being pulled in 4 different directions and my full attention is always needed by all of them all of the time. There really is not a minute for yourself ( and i dont mean luxury time. I mean i cant even sit down to pay bills) until they're all tucked in bed but by then youre so exhausted you just want to crash. Even now as i type Simeon is fighting for a place on my lap. I cry probably atleast once a day. I carry the burden of feeling like im doing more damage to my children then good. I can never make them all happy. But i also dont believe it's my job to make them happy. Isaiah is yelling at me to come and get Simeon, which is yelled at me atleast 100 times a day and you know sometimes I just dont care. Im so tired of hearing my name called. I miss the life I use to have. I miss the routine of being home by a certain time for my husband. I miss being home every night and just even laying in bed with my husband eating ice cream and watching something stupid on tv. I hate trying to plan my days around sorrow. Even though George use to work long hours and i did alot by myself he was still a rock of support and encouragment by my side. I had him to share the craziness of my day with and now that's gone. And yes i have great friends but it's absolutely not the same. I have become extremely sensitive to other peoples marriages. With some i have envy with others i can see the disrespect for their husbands by the ever so subtle sarcastic remarks and put downs. I dont even know if they realize they're doing it- but their kids totally see it. I use to do it too. If youre a wife, I would encourage you to ask the Lord to show you if you do it.
Lately, I have been thinking about the days leading up to the death of Christ. Again what that must have felt like for our Father, knowing the horrific torture His son would willingly endure to settle our ransom with death and hell. I am reading the book of John to the boys and last night I read ch 18:4 " Jesus therefore, knowing ALL THE THINGS that were coming upon Him, went forth...WOW!! He knew exactly what was coming. That alone is almost beyond my understanding. Put yourself there and think about it for a moment. Sometimes I think we read scripture like it's just a story in a book- put life on for a minute and really think about it. Think about the faith that Jesus had in the Father- which believe it or not He did practice faith to do all He did on the cross, to go into hell and get the keys of hell and death, and then to be raised up on the third day- oh yah He had faith. In Hebrews ch 4: 14-16 God says" For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our wekanesses but one who WAS TEMPTED IN ALL THINGS AS WE ARE, yet without sin. He was obligated to become like us- with flesh and blood, walk the road we walk in order to become a faithful and merciful High Priest. The point im getting at is that there is nothing that we will face that Christ Himself hasnt faced-death, pain, being hungry, thirsty, unthankfulness of people, alone, lonely, tired, forsaken, falsly accused,discouraged, called names, beat up, spit upon, tempted to be unrighteously angry, His family thought He was crazy, people laughed at Him, called Him the devil, tempted to doubt the word of His father,every sickness and disease, cant even count how many times they tried to throw Him off a cliff in Luke, He's been sad, wanted Him only because He fed them food, plus He knew what was in the heart of people and still He did it all. Which brings me to what i wanted to get to. It says in matt 27: 51 And behold, the veil of the temple was torn from top to bottom... If you dont know, the veil of the temple was made up of a lot curtains, each specifically colored and it was 4 inches thick. It seperated the outer court and the Holy of Holies. It is the place where once a year the high priest would enter into and sprinkle the blood of the slain animal on the mercy seat for the forgivness of the sins of the people and Gods presence would come and fill that place behind the curtain but the curtain is there for the reminder thay we were seperated from His presence and could not go in there or you would have died. So i was thinking, i wonder if similar to how God knew what was going to happen in the garden, now our Father is waiting for the last drop of Christ's precious blood to fall, for Him to give up His last breath so He could rip down that veil- that constant reminder of our sin separating us from Himself- and welcome us with joy back into His presence. I have had this one scripture on my mind the last few days...Heb 4:16 Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Another translation says let us approach therefore with boldness to the throne of grace...I wonder sometimes when we read if we -or I- really understand the magnitude of what Im reading. Because of what Christ did, i have front row access to the throne of God. When we talk with Him in our living room, we really are standing in His presence before His throne. Isnt that what that says- we have access to His throne of grace? We may not physically see Him but the veil that separated us from Him was torn and we have free access into His presence- do we believe that? Or do we believe that it's just a one sided conversation and maybe He will answer us but probably not. Wasnt it Elisha who said: as the Lord lives in who's presence I stand. Well, he wasnt dead! But he had a constant awareness that wherever he was he was standing before God. I dont know about you, but i want to pretty much camp at His throne of grace, bow in His beautiful presence, and like the woman in the scripture Id like to wash His feet with my tears and dry them with my hair. I know we are all facing stuff. Just because i lost my husband that doesnt minimize what you may be going through. May I encourage you - draw near to His throne. And draw near to Him with confidence- confidence that He's going to answer you and help you in whatever you need. Get away, alone, and just sit in His presence. Whether you feel it or not, His word says we have access to there because of the blood of the One who left His glory in heaven to become like us, face everything we face, bought us back from sin and hell. He understands right where each one of us is and He is able to run to our aid. Not only that, He wants us to come to Him. Just like we love and want our children to come to us, everything our Father has done was to make the way for us to be able to be with Him again. Isaac, my 9 yo, has asked me probably 50 times now why Jesus had to die. He could have just made us obey or not had the fruit or done this or that... And my answer to him is always what greater love could God have shown toward us than to give the life of His own child- His own life. What greater act of love is there then that? Theres none.

GRIEF SUCKS!!!! It really does. Unless you've been in it, you really have no idea how deep to the core of your inner most being it reaches. It's gut wrenching. I wrote once that it was like travailing in labor, but tonight it seems more adequate to compare it to having the stomach flu. And you just keep vomiting and vomiting and vomiting and after you've vomited 30 times and there's nothing left in your stomach but your stomach keeps wrenching it up- that's how i would describe grief tonight! Today sucked! I should really have learned to listen to myself by now. I got my period first thing this morning ( sorry if any guys read this) and was already pretty emotional so I should no better than to try to take on certain things. But, I did anyway because what else am I suppose to do? I have to handle things. So today I just came undone. For the first time ever i was driving and saying to the Lord- Im ready to come home. Even my love for my boys wasnt enough. This is a hard thing to hold on through. And you cant really even explain what happens, these feelings of deep anger and sorrow just about overtake you. Tonight was the promotion ceremony for school for my boys and I had to almost walk out because this sorrow just became overwhelming and i was pleading with my Father to help me because I just couldnt bear it then. Ofcourse seeing my husbands face in the slide show just broke my heart ( dont feel bad Julie- Im glad you put him in there ) Im starting to live in my mind where we were last year at this time. This is right before it all started. Last year he was with us. Simeon keeps saying all day long "dad's dead mom". My plate is just full and this is my life now and it -at this moment- sucks. I dont want to be here! And if you dont want to hear my pitty party you should stop reading now. Cause I dont want to here tonight. I just want to run away from it. And while i am so thankful for the people who love and help me, i hate needing their help. I hate having both his job now as well as mine and honestly i dont have enough in me to even do mine. The burden is weighing heavy tonight. Im going to go get into my half empty bed, get the stash of his shirts out and pretty much cry it out with me Dad. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Thank God He holds on to us...

John 14:1 Let not your heart be troubled, believe in God; believe also in Me.
I have been really overwhelmed the last couple of days. I guess before George got sick and passed i was never really exposed to disease and death. The last few days iv felt so surrounded by it People are just dying left and right from sicknesses to car accidents. My friend finding out her 6yo little boy having cancer was just the straw that broke the camels back. It's just not right. And when i hear of someone else it effects me deeply probably because my wound is still new and im moved with grief and sorrow for them. The other night i couldnt hear another word. I just broke down crying lifting my hands up to our Father- where our hope comes from. After putting the boys to bed i felt like i needed to run away to Him and I just spent hours at His feet, reading His word, singing to Him. Fear tries to come , things try to shake us, make us doubt God and His GOODNESS. I feel like im running my faith race against a tornado right now. I still believe in His promise of a long life- here on this earth- and my years filled with good things!!!! And i feel like that's trying to be stolen from me. Again, i dont know why all things happen but im not going to say something horrible was His will just because i dont have a better explanation. I know too, that we live in a fallen world but that does NOT nullify Gods word. And if in His word He says that we can have a long life filled with good things then regardless of living in this fallen world it must still be possible or He lied. And I know about the " if its His will" stuff. I dont even think thats a scripture is it? Jesus said if youve seen me, youve seen the Father and He always did the things He saw the Father doing. So how can we say "if its His will"? He's never shown us anything different. And why things happen with other people- even my husband-I cant let steal His words from my heart. 3 days after He lead the people out of bondage in egypt ( which is a picture of us being saved out of this world) He told them that He is the Lord that heals them. He could have picked alot of different things to share about Himself with them but thats what he chose to tell them- how beautiful is that! So i dont get it all but i have to believe in His word and His goodness and not what i see in this life. So ive been drowning myself with His word and what it says about His goodness. Here's a few
2 chronicles 5:13 He indeed is good for His lovingkindness is everlasting," then the house, the house of the LORD, was filled with a cloud,
ezra 3:11They sang, praising and giving thanks to the LORD, saying, "For He is good, for His lovingkindness is upon Israel forever.
ps 23:6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
ps 25: good and upright is the Lord
ps 34:8 O taste and see that the Lord is good.How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him
ps65:4 we will be satisfied with the goodness of Thy house
ps 73:1 surely God is good
ps For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You.
ps 100:5 the LORD is good His lovingkindness is everlasting And His faithfulness to all generations.
ps 103 1Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.
ps 107
p 118:1, 29
ps 119:68 You are good and do good
ps 145:79
micah Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth over the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? he retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in lovingkindness.
lamentations 3:25
nahum 1:7 The Lord is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble and He knows those who take refuge in Him.
Jeremiah 9:23-24 23Thus says the LORD, "Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things," declares the LORD.
matt 7:9-11 "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
And the one im holding on to right now psalm 34:8:
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.

My friend found out this week that their 6 yo little boy has cancer. His name is Nathan. They will be undergoing alot these next few weeks. Please pray for their family.

Last week i went to the women's conference at Cottonwood. While i did enjoy it, I found it focused a little too much on getting involved with other things. While i absolutely believe in serving others, i believe taking care of our husbands and children should be our main serving. I think it's easy for us- for me anyway- to desire to get involved in certain "ministries" because they feel good to do them ie...helping teen moms, visiting people in hospitals, volunteering time serving meals. Compare that to butt wiping, referring, character training ALL DAY LONG, Id rather do those other things in a heart beat. I remember asking the Lord sometime ago about where i was going to minister and asking Him what He's called me to do. And you know one day I was super tired, on my knees changing a poopy diaper and He said to me " what if THIS is what I want you to do?" I said, Well, im not going to be very happy about that! But, it doesnt matter if Im happy with it- being home loving and serving our husbands and children is what He has called us to do. And i believe this work is our training ground to really learn to serve like Christ- where we really learn the meaning of denying ourselves and picking up our cross and following Him. He was tired, emptied Himself to find that others still had needs and He somehow met them, no one ever cared if He ate or drank, whenever He tried to go away and spend time with the Father people always found Him, people spoke badly of Him and yet He continued to serve- even His enemy. And Im pretty sure that only one person ever thanked Him for doing something. Some of that rings vaguely familiar to my life. I love at the conference on Friday, one of the speakers was saying how she was telling God how she just cant do things because she's so tired. And His answer to her was that He never promised her she wouldnt be tired! AND He said to her - Charlette you're just going to have to learn to do tired WELL. Isn't that the truth!

Its been pretty busy for me lately. I had a nice birthday and just felt really loved and blessed with what i do have- which is quite a bit! Last summer we spent a few days with friends up in Big Bear. It was right at the beginning of George getting sick. We had a great time. Well for my birthday one of those friends is buying us a night up there this summer. And i was sharing with another friend how different it will be for me to drive there because George would have driven for me. I never traveled any distance without him. I was wishing i had a sea doo to take up but didnt know if i could do the drive with a trailer behind me. The point of all this is...my friends response (who i loooove- since she'll probably see this :) said well, think of how empowering that would be for me to do all that by myself. While im sure she meant that to encourage me, but i dont want to be empowered! And of course there's nothing wrong with women doing those things on their own, but i dont want to be self sufficient like that. I liked needing my husband and i like that he needed me for things too. I liked taking care of him. I liked getting his clothes out, making his plate for him, serving him his favorite coffees. Some women would say those are things a mom would do and they should do that for themselves, but i dont agree. Atleast not for me. I believe men were created to be our protectors, a covering of strength over us. And we - according to the scripture- were created to be their help mate. And did you know that the word helpmate is used 19 times in the scripture n relation to the Holy Spirit being our helper- it's the same word. Now im certainly not saying anyone should go do the job of the Holy Spirit in your husbands life.But in case you feel your job is not an important, it's actually just as important as that of the Holy Spirits. I like the verse in proverbs 31- the heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain. Can the heart of your husband trust you? Or has he just quitely backed down to doing things your way to keep the peace? And look at the promise that comes with them being able to trust us---they will have no lack of gain. We have some influence in their lives. I remember the first time the Lord showed me that verse- i cried. And i called my husband crying afraid to even ask him if his heart trusted in me because i knew the answer. This isnt a verse about being faithful. Its a verse about them being able to trust us with their heart thoughts, their ideas. Trusting that we wont put them down. It's about us supporting them, encourageing them,standing by them, being their soft place to land at the end of a day of being out in this crazy world. For those of us who are blessed to stay home, we should be extra appreciative. I would not want to have to work outside of my home and have the world yelling their filth at me all day- no thanks! Dont get me wrong either, im not a wimp, but i loved my husbands strength and i loved that i could be feminine and need a strong man to come to my rescue- which he definately did on more than one occasion. There was something else i wanted to write about but im out of time. I just want to end with this. I- again- love when God speaks to us and that it doesnt matter that i was in the shower when it happened tonight. I was thinking to myself how i hate even the thought of being single and" on the market. " And the Lord said to me in this strong voice- you are NOT on the market. And i knew immediately that He meant that He IS my husband and that i am not available- not that im even considering that right now. But I love that and then i just kind of chuckled and said back to Him- well if it does happen he is going to have to be one amazing guy to get Your permission to take Your place.

Iv had such a blessed week! We do serve an amazing God who even in the midst of our struggles and sadness can make us feel not just a peace that surpasses all understanding but a love as well. I love how God in His amazing wisdom uses having children as reflections of our spiritual walk with Him. Not just the fits and selfishness that we may- at times- have in common with them but the simple beautiful everyday life moments. I was at Disneyland Land with the boys a few weeks ago. I was riding Big thunder mountain with Ben and he wants to hold his arms up because its more thrilling and fun but he's too scared to. So i said to him go ahead and put your arms up and Ill hold onto you. So i put my arms around his waist and held him and he, smiling from ear to ear, threw his arms up in the air. What i noticed though, was that when we would go down a dip or turn sidewise he would get scared and doubt my grip on him and he would start to reach for the bar so id squeeze him a little tighter and reassure him that iv got him and up his arms would go again. Now i know thats just a day at disneyland but i gleaned something spiritual from that. Isnt that how our lives are- like the roller coaster? Filled with ups, downs, fun times when we throw our hands up but also some scary times when we are holding on for dear life. What beautiful picture of faith I saw in Ben that he trusted me not only in the good times but when he was afraid. Isnt that Just like our Father? He holds us in our good times but in our darkest moments of fear He holds us a little tighter and tells us- dont be afraid, Im holding you. Go ahead and throw your arms up because Im your Father and i will see you through. I was just rereading Nehemiah and in ch8: 10 he says" Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength" For a long time i couldnt understand what that meant- the joy of the Lord is our strength. Now i think i do. I believe it's the joy of knowing Him, knowing what He promises His children. I believe it's looking at Jesus as the exact representation of the nature of our Father and knowing that He not only holds us by the hand, but that we are also in His hands and NOTHING- no sickness, sorrow, disease, debt, lack, oppression, fear, pain, no other power- not even death itself can seperate us from Him. And for the joy of having that knowledge, no matter what we are facing now or to come, we can have strength and we can and should lift our hands to Him in praise because He- and He alone- is our Deliverer.

I love love love Cottonwood church! I love the praise, the people and I love the teaching! Last night Isaac went with me to the service. They are teaching on healing sunday nights through may. And yes, i still believe God heals. So i was actually praying for Isaac last night during service that God would move on Him, that he would be touched by the Holy Spirit, that He would be affected somehow. For those of you who dont know Isaac, he's not a big talker about feelings, and he's not super affectionate. ( He says he's saving all the hugs and kisses for his wife ) He will let me hug him but i pretty much have to chase him down to do it. Anyway on the way home last night we were talking about George and Isaac started telling me that he was still angry with me about something that happened with his dad. One night during his last 2 weeks a friend had come over. I was walking her out and we were praying out front. Isaac came out and told me that dad wanted to have a family meeting but i gave him the "wait" sign because we were praying. Well, by the time we were done outside George had fallen back asleep. ( he was on a lot of morphine and was asleep most of the time ) So Isaac, this whole time ,has been angry with me. I told him i was so sorry for doing that. And i said that i hoped he could forgive me for that which he said he did with a sweet smile. But what was wonderful was that it opened up this moment for us to share. When we got home he asked if he could sleep with me which was strange for him to ask so i said yes. And thank God for the Holy Spirit leading us! I had planned on sewing and doing my thing but i just felt Isaac's heart was open so i went and laid down with him. He started asking me what i miss and dont miss about dad and then he shared with me what he misses and doesnt. He kept putting his head under the pillows because he was crying. Then we talked about all these memories he has of hanging out together, playing guitar, watching movies in georges big truck, working together. Just a quick side brag- when isaac was 7, George redid our roof and let Isaac help him demo it. George tied him to the chimney and Isaac worked all night- non stop! He loved working with his dad and honestly he worked harder than most of Georges other helpers. But we talked about how hard it is to have all those memories because you also have more sorrow- more of a loss I think. We talked about how Simeon will never remember George being part of his life but Isaac assured me he will help Sim to know who is dad was. I told him that id never forget this one day probably just days before George died how Isaac asked him to do a puzzle with him. Even though George just slept the whole time they were at the table together. It just blessed my heart that he wasnt scared of him ( because he looked scarey )and he wanted to spend time with him. He said, well mom, i wanted him to be healed. It was so sweet and such a precious God time with him last night. And it reassured my hope in their (our) Father that He is working in their hearts and He will be faithful to bring them through this.

I'll tell ya, this roller coaster of grief is exhausting! The realization that George is gone followed by that surreal feeling of not being able to really believe that. One minute of being happy than for no apparent reason deep sorrow just rises up in you. It can be maddening. And it can happen anywhere at anytime. Ive been standing in line at walmart or starbucks and all of the sudden wham, here it comes. And i say to the Lord -no way Lord, not here! Thank God for sunglasses! I dont get it nor do I understand how this process of grieving works. But I do know the One who's holding my hand walking us through it, healing us every step of the way- and my eyes, heart and hope are fixed on Him- my Father.
I will be honest though, this is not easy. Even as i write this, im totally irritated with my boys. My house is a mess. Ben spilled red Kool aid everywhere tonight- twice! My laundry is overflowing, Simeon is forcing his way on my lap as I type pulling down my shirt trying to nurse. And Id really like to run away with a huge glass of wine, but im going to settle for a big bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and ride it out instead. Its hard doing it all! And it's not just the "doing things" thats hard. It's that when im doing the things George use to do, its a constant reminder that he's not here doing them anymore. I cant ask him to watch them while i run to the store for one thing. Now we all have to load up and go. He's not here to hug me and make me laugh when im about to lose my mind. He's not here to investigate if i hear a noise outside at night- im the one who has to do it. I miss having his strength, his covering. This is the time of year that we would start to spend evenings out front. We'd be bumpin the praise music, he would be watering the grass or washing a car, and the boys would be running crazy or riding scooters. Then we'd finish off the night with big bowls of ice cream. Tonight though when i was outside watering, I just kept thinking that the month he started getting sick is rapidly approaching and im not looking forward to the memories im going to be reliving in my heart. But you know, this is where Im at and God knows all about it. Nomatter how hard the road gets, im going to keep pressing on and pressing in to Jesus. That's Always Our Answer. Our circumstance has not taken Him by surprise- neither has yours. :) He knew when He gave me these boys that i would be in this exact moment and there is a place inside of me that is solidly anchored on the knowledge that He is not only going to take care of us but that the best for us is still to come. Now, I can't always see or feel how that could be possible but knowing our Father and being a believer I have to believe that. We are not of those who have no hope! I was reading psalm 126 about when God freed His people from captivity: I love that it's called "a song of ascents" Because it shows how He is. It shows Him delivering His people from a low place of horrible bondage and sorrow and setting them free and bringing them up to a higher beautiful place abounding with every good thing.
When the LORD brought back the captive ones of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter
And our tongue with joyful shouting;
Then they said among the nations,
The LORD has done great things for them."
The LORD has done great things for us;
We are glad. Restore ( what was taken because of ) our captivity, O LORD,
As the streams in the South.
Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.
He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,
Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.
Thats my declaration- Im sowing in tears and i fully intend to reap -not just with joy- but joyful shouting of praise to our God! And im not sure what sheaves are but when i read it i thought of my boys and im trusting God to bring them in joyfully shouting as well.

Today was actually way better than expected. I had great fellowship with amazing friends and my boys swam and played to their hearts content. It was a great day. And to top it, I heard from God. I just love that our God speaks to us! About a week ago my mother in law and i were talking about the story of the widow and Elisha in 2 kings 4 Here is the story incase you dont know it. Now a certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets cried out to Elisha, "Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD; and the creditor has come to take my two children to be his slaves."Elisha said to her, "What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?" And she said, "Your maidservant has nothing in the house except a jar of oil."Then he said, "Go, borrow vessels at large for yourself from all your neighbors, even empty vessels; do not get a few."And you shall go in and shut the door behind you and your sons, and pour out into all these vessels, and you shall set aside what is full."So she went from him and shut the door behind her and her sons; they were bringing the vessels to her and she poured. When the vessels were full, she said to her son, "Bring me another vessel." And he said to her, "There is not one vessel more." And the oil stopped. Then she came and told the man of God. And he said, "Go, sell the oil and pay your debt, and you and your sons can live on the rest." So my mother in law spoke a blessing over us that every time i had to spend God would keep filling for us just like He did for the widow. A couple of days after that i reading that story with Isaac as well as the other places where God provided for a widow. Then at Cottonwood this morning we had a guest speaker from Africa and what do you think he read? Yep! About the widow. I love how God repeats Himself to drive it home that it IS Him speaking, guiding, letting us know He is taking care of us. And I love how one sentence from God can speak volumes to our situation. As I was sitting there at the very end of the message i just heard Him speak into my heart; " And I will provide for YOU until you dont need it any longer." What can I say to that? What can I say of Him...His greatness, His great love for us- His children. psalm 84:2 My heart and my flesh sing for joy to the living God! Psalm 145 I will extol You, my God, O King, And I will bless Your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless You, And I will praise Your name forever and ever. Great is the LORD, and highly to be praised,And His greatness is unsearchable. One generation shall praise Your works to another,And shall declare Your mighty acts. On the glorious splendor of Your majesty And on Your wonderful works, I will meditate. Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts, And I will tell of Your greatness. And He IS great! And i hope whoever reads these posts is encouraged by His faithfulness towards me because He will be faithful to you as well. Trust Him!

Im tired tonight. This has been a looong week of being out of the house early and for most of the day. Im spent. I (unfortunately) am not looking forward to mothers day this weekend and honestly id like to take my guys and run away for the weekend but i have no idea where to go. I was reading the bible to them tonight and Ben leaned over and whispered in my ear that he wished he could die so he could be with and talk to his dad. I just love that boy! (I love them all ofcourse) So i said to Ben that if he showed up anytime soon in heaven Dad would be pretty upset and probably ask Jesus to send him back until he has had a long life with his years full of good things! Then i said to them- you know, if Dad could talk to us right now he would first tell us he loves us, then he would tell us not to be sad but to live and enjoy our life and trust God to keep taking care of us- that He is faithful. I love how my mother in law said it to me the other day. She said something to the effect of; it's just hard to get use to him living somewhere else now and not being with us anymore. I LOVE that because he IS still alive. The scripture says believers dont die. Our spirit- the real us- just passes right over to our real home. So technically he's just moved. Isnt that the truth?

Rated "R" for exclamation point profanity

I was going to write something encouraging tonight. The last couple of messages at church have been really good about expecting God to do great things for us but honestly thats gone for me at this moment. It is amazing to me how one thing can just almost sink me. I was going about having a great day visiting a friend today and i was in their front yard pushing Simeon in a swing. My friends husband came home and without thinking i turned towards where her kids were and said- your dads here. Simeon spun his head around so fast to look and he said dad! My heart sunk and i couldnt believe i even said it. Then i had to explain to him that it wasnt his dad, it was theirs. Do you have any idea how !!!!!! up that is????? And please dont even think about giving me grief about my exclamation points! I just wanted to throw up! It is wrong on every single level to have to repeatedly tell my little boy that his dad is gone. And im sure he's over it now but i sit and wonder what his heart must have felt at that moment when i said those stupid !!!!!!! words and right now i cant let it go. Im so, so sad- and angry! Im sad not only for me but for other people- a man who lost his wife and he has a 3 yo little boy who keeps calling for his mom- every single day now for i think almost a year -and his dad is helpless to that and it's wrong that he doesnt have her! People move on with their lives - which is ok, it's what they should do. But they have no idea the ins and outs of everyday little things we go through. Little things that you just never think of. Like a little boy crying in need of his mom and dad trying to bring him comfort but he wants his mom and keeps crying for her. I cant even imagine how hard it is for him! i know another woman who will probably lose her husband, she cant even sleep in her bed because he's not with her. Father, forgive me for walking through this life so self absorbed. Help me to stop wasting time and worrying about things that are temporal. Help me to love all over on my boys and to not be irritated with them because they arent perfect. Please pray for people. Get alone with God and tell Him youre willing to intercede for people and ask Him who to pray for, He'll lead you. There is so much pain in this world, i dont know how our Father bears it- but im sure glad He bears it for us because i cant carry this load.

God is so good! Sometimes i am so overjoyed by Him that I feel guilty because I think it's wrong for me to have happiness after losing my love. Although I know that's not true, there still is a part of me that thinks i should be consumed with sorrow. Dont get me wrong, there are days when i am sad, i do miss him constantly and i do feel this awareness that something is missing from me- not just my life, but from me physically as well. I also find myself covering up alot. Like im always wearing a sweater or jacket and constantly feeling the need to hold it closed. I never did that before. It reminds me of the part of the "The Valley Song" by jars of clay when he says:
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground, using our hands
To cover the "fatal cut" --- I never really understood that until now. But i do feel like i am wounded and need to keep it covered maybe while Gods healing me- not too sure. I love that whole song! Im going to have to to put it in my playlist. The rest of it says:
Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
I will sing of Your mercy that leads me THROUGH valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy. I am so amazed at Him! That He has not only the love for me- us- to want to help us but that He has the power to heal even our worst pains and sorrows! And i do believe He heals it. I believe the valley does end and the wound does heal. While im sure i will always love george and miss him, i dont believe we are to just adjust to a new way of living without him. I believe my Father is creating a new beautiful life for us- and quite possibly an even a better one than before! I just believe that's how He is.
Some scriptures i found regarding Him doing "new" things:
Isaiah 40: 31 He gives new strength
isaiah 42:9-10 He declares new things to us before they happen
Isaiah 48:6 He proclaims new hidden things which we have not known
Isaiah 62:2 He gives us a new name
EZ 18:31 He gives us a new heart
Ez 11:19 He gives us a new spirit
Lamentations ( my favorite) His mercy, lovingkindess, and compassions are new every morning
Luke 22:20 He gives us a new covenant in His blood
John 13 He gives us a new commandment
2 Cor 5:17 He gives us a new creation when we become born again in Him
Eph 4:24 he gives us a new self made in His likeness- in righteousness, holiness and truth
And He wraps up His love letter to us with this - Revelation 21:5 And He who sits on the throne said " Behold, I am making all things new." And He said, " Write, for these words are Faithful and True." If He can do all that, im certain He can create something new and beautiful for us! Praise His Beautiful Name!

Today was a strange day for me. i thought of george continually. One of my amazing sisters and her husband filled out the extreme makeover home show app for us and today they came over and shot the video to send in with it. So i had to sit and share our story with them via a video camera. And i went through all the details. Its strange to rethink about it now and to realize how far we've come and how faithful God is. I do miss him greatly! I try really hard not to think about the time in the hospital. I try not to think about the times i could hear him crying out to God and i would just get on my face outside wherever he was and just weep and pray for him. I hated thinking that he felt like God wasnt hearing or helping him. But he's not thinking about those things now so why should i? But sometimes i do and today i did while doing that video. Its so strange to me still to remember sitting at the table with all those teams of doctors and because of a bunch of different things there was nothing they could do for him- nothing! But they said it in such a clinical way that you just dont even understand that theyre telling you theres nothing they can do. And then when it finally settles that there IS NOTHING they can do to help and then they tell you you have just maybe 2 weeks to live! Its unbelievable! And may you never know. Its been almost 6 months and honestly i still cant believe that he's gone! We went to the park today. It was a park we had been to with George a few times. I kept having sorta flashbacks of the times we had been there before having picnics and playing. But i couldnt remember them clearly, and that bothered me. I was watching Simeon watching a little girl and her dad. The dad was standing at the bottom of the slide just playing with her and taking her picture and Simeon just stood there staring at them. Now, i doubt that he was thinking of it the way i was but still thats something he'll never have and i wondered what he was thinking. Tonight i was laying with him in bed and it dawned on me that he hasnt looked at georges pictures in a while and I dont even remember when he last said daddy.So i gave him a kiss on the head and told him that me and daddy loved him and he didnt respond like he use to. Has he forgotten already? How wrong is that Lord!!! And he will forget George nomatter how hard we try to keep his memory alive Simeon wont remember his dad. UH!!! Today was just one of those days that 200 sighs wasnt even enough and i just had this sad awareness of him not being part of me anymore. Life is so up in the air right now. And while I know in my heart my Father is taking care of us, I just miss him being by my side. I miss my team mate, my cheering section, the strong arms that would hold me when i was afraid or when life just sucked- because it just does sometimes! And i miss taking care of him. I miss being his wife. I miss having coffee with him in the morning and getting him big bowls of ice cream at night. I wish i would have been a better wife to him- although honestly i dont have any guilt or regrets- i just wish i would have have loved more. I miss him coming home every night and the boys hearing his truck and they would all hide and he would look for them. Isaac just said to me last night that he never got to tell dad where his hiding place was. It's strange to think that im here sometimes consumed with thoughts of him and he may not even think of us. We dont really know what it's like in heaven, what we remember and the word doesnt say much about it. I do remember on Isaiahs birthday, 4 days after george passed. I was in the bathroom and Isaiah came in and told me he heard his daddy's voice in the living room. I asked him what he said and he answered- he wished me a happy birthday. I do believe he heard him. So i dont know about all that. But what i do know is God is faithful. And as long as i live, till my very last breath i will make known His faithfulness and sing praise to His Name. Because no matter what we go through, He is able to give us peace in the midst of it, deliver us from it, restore and heal us and even work it for our good. Who is like Him? Tell me!
Romans 8:35-38 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?... But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,
nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Thats always been one of my favorite scriptures but i hadnt actually read it since George died and reading it tonight...wow! I love when a scripture takes on new life for me. It's true- nothing is more powerful than Him and there is nothing greater than Him that could ever come between His love and grip on us-Nothing! NOTHING!!! Amazing!

I was having a talk with a pastor the other evening. I had shared with him that through all this ive been learning to wait on the Lord for things. His response was- wow, you dont hear that in the church anymore. That sort of took me back. And i said well, maybe thats why the people in the church arent getting anything from Him because theyre not waiting for Him to do things. It is afterall, the one who waits on Him who gets the promise. And if we arent waiting on Him, what are we doing? Delivering ourselves? Because thats not even faith. And usually, if your like me, you strive, and spin your wheels trying to make things happen just to end up right back where you started in the first place with no deliverance. Why do we do that? I was sharing with this pastor about how God sold my husbands truck. It was a big Ford f700. It was pretty old with quite a few miles on it and it smoked alot! A few people came by to look at it but no takers. Finally a man came by and looked at it and asked me what i wanted. I told him my price and he said ok. So by the next friday he called me and said he was short $500. and asked if i would take it and i said no. And let me tell you, that was really hard. I remember going into the nursery at my homeschool group and telling the moms about it and how i wanted to call him back because i was afraid no one else would want it. But, I said im not going to. God is the seller of my things and im going to wait on Him because when i do He does better for me than i ever could have done for myself. Plus you see His hand and have the testimony of Him doing it. So I resisted calling him and waited. 5 days later another man came to look at it. This man looked like he could have been Georges brother. His family is catholic and they homeschool their children. He was telling me how he buys and restores old cars with his dad and his son. He said this truck would be a great project for them and asked me what i wanted to get out of it. I told him my price and he in return offered me $500. MORE than what i asked for. Who gets that??? I'll tell you, the one who waits on the Lord! And on top of that he told me that the truck was going to a good family - which does matter to me- and that whatever he restores he keeps forever. I just love that! And i had mentioned to him how other people wanted to chop it up and hated the color and he said he loved it and as a matter of fact the truck was his favorite color and that it was actually his friend who saw the ad for the truck and emailed it to him saying it was his truck because it was his color! See what God does when you wait. And i could have sold to that other man, but look what i got for waiting on God. I could see and have the testimony of His Beautiful Hand orchestrating that whole thing- which means more to me than the money. I believe it's when we seek Him and wait on Him that we get the exceedingly abundantly more than we could imagine that is talked about in Ephesians. And did you know that He waits too? Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who wait for Him. And this pretty much sums up my life at this moment. Psalm 40:1-5 I waited patiently for the LORD And He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD. How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood. Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders which You have done, And Your thoughts toward us; There is none to compare with You If I would declare and speak of them, They would be too numerous to count. It almost amazes me that i can feel like that at this moment in my life. But He is bringing me up out of this pit and He is continually putting a new song of praise in my mouth. I almost feel guilty sometimes because im so over joyed at what God is doing. Like thats wrong and some how means im not missingand loving George still. But how can i keep from singing His praise when He is being so faithful and real to us. And I am convinced that our Father wants to walk the ins and outs of our everyday lives with us- just like He did in the garden with Adam and Eve. And even though Jesus doesnt walk physically with us like He did with them, i believe we have something better. Jesus said it was better that He go away back to the Father so that the Holy Spirit could come and live in us. So Him living in us must be even greater than Jesus walking physically with us. He cares about about our lives, us, our every decisions- the small ones as well as the big ones. He wants to be involved in it all. Include Him in and watch what He does :)

Last night i took a meal over to a lady who's husband is in the hospital. I mentioned them a few weeks ago. He had what they thought were lesions in his brain and were going in to check it out. Turns out He has a crazy virus that in a compromised immune system causes your white blood cells to destroy your brain. So what they thought was a lesion is really dead brain tissue. To make matters worse, there is no treatment for it. And the one clinical trial has side affects that could be detrimental. It is amazing what a difference a few months makes! Hear me- Dont take your life, your wife, husband, your health, and your time for granted. I am still, regardless of all this i see around me, a believer in Gods promises of a long life and my years filled with good things but God help us- help me- not take these things for granted. As i stood in her kitchen just listening to her heart i could just hear myself having said the exact same words. The realization that we wasted a lot of time being upset over meaningless things and how we didnt really appreciate their being a covering over us. We talked about how we wished we would have complained less and encouraged more- like they did for us. She mentioned how she repented to him at his bedside and i shared with her how i got on my knees and washed my husbands feet with tears apologizing for being out of order and putting the kids and other things before him. I know this may sound redundant to you but i find very interesting that we experienced the same thing. It must just be what happens when you face death, you start evaluating how youre really living your life. And then you pray for time to love them the way you really want to now. But i dont think you have to go down a road like this to love like that. That's why i keep repeating it over and over again. Dont have regrets. Dont waste time. Make the choice to love absolutely unconditionally without any thought of getting anything out of it for you- especially when the person youre loving isnt doing what you want or isnt treating you necessarily good. It takes a lot of foot work but it also takes a huge amount of energy to live with irritation and strife. And like Jesus said- if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even the world does that. But Jesus in luke ch 6:27 says...But i say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you... Isnt it interesting that he qualifies it to those who hear? I mean surely everyone around him had ears that worked right? They werent all deaf. So we can have ears but not hear. I think we're only hearers if take what we hear and do it. I remember praying for george once and the Lord just kinda saying to me- well do really care about him and whats best for him? or do you just want him to change because it will help/ benefit you in some way? And you know what, when i really prayerfully thought about it He was right ( what a surprise hah? ). The underlying of my prayers for my husband were in some way to help or benefit me, not because i was genuinely concerned for his heart and being right with God. It was more to make him right with me or what i thought was right for him. So ill say it again, dont waste time. Tonight when you get in bed with your husband or wife- be thankful for them. Your life may not be perfect, no one's is. But think about the wife of that man who is in the hospital who for now and maybe for the rest of her life has to get in her bed alone. Its one of the hardest things to get use to, looking over and that side of the bed is cold and empty. I at least ( and thankfully ) had all my boys to fill the bed. But now theyre all back in their beds and it is strange. The night hours are the hardest. When youre alone and the business of the day settles, your mind just starts spinning and you seem more vulnerable and fear, saddness and what if's come and thats where she's at facing decisions you never want to have to make for someone you love. I know because i was there too. The only- yet best- comfort i could give her was the testimony of Gods amazing faithfulness to me and the assurance that He is and will continue to be that for all them. He is our Refuge, our Strong tower, our Shield, our Rock, our ever present help, our Comforter- our Dad. Praise His Holy Name! Please pray for this family.

I am blessed

Its been a little over 5 months since my husband went home to heaven. The story of what was happening in our life spread pretty wide by some of my amazing sisters in Christ. The prayers, letters, gifts and phone calls that i received from absolute strangers during the beginning was amazing and the love and encouragement just overwhelmed me. I still have every note and re-read them often. To know that people prayed and still do with tears for us ...there are no words. Some people said that that would end and people would get back to their lives and i guess that has happened some, but even though i dont hear from alot of people anymore i still believe they are praying for us. I remember saying to the Lord in the beginning to help me not to rely on anyone to carry me through this but Him. It can only be Him- He is our Healer. I have to say though that i feel exceptionally blessed. I have recieved some gifts from some home schooling families and stay at home moms -someone even offered to share their home with us. I noticed that they make a point to say their gift is small, but it blesses me even more because i know as a stay at home mom you had to sacrifice to give us that and you probably cut something from your own grocery bill just to send us that $10. or $15. There is no small gift. Its beautiful to me, that people give to us like that. I have some amazing ( that word doesnt even do them justice! ) sisters who i know are on this journey with us for the long haul. I love them more than i could ever express and dont know what id do without them! I am part of an awesome homeschool group whose support is invaluable to me. These are women who may not know what to say, but they will hug me or just sit and listen to me if i need to talk. There is one lady who whether i share good news with her or im sad she just grabs me, squeezes me tight and loves on me. I have a sister who i sent a text to the other day because i recieved a letter from the bank and i was afraid and she sent me back jer 1:19- read it, its awesome! And then maybe 15 minutes later she and her husband called me and prayed for me over the phone. Who does these things? I had a bad dream the other night and i woke up beyond sad and for probably an hour i was laying there worrying about our life, how are we going to do this, can God really make the way, the boys etc. It was about 6:30am and i got a text from another sister saying exactly what was needed in the moment. She's been sending me text messages just about every morning for months. I usually wake up to them. She just prays and sends me His word. There are times she doesnt even know how much im hurting and the words she sends just wash over me and the pain and sorrow leave and it focuses me back to my Father- who IS able. She told me the other day she loves me like the little sister she always wanted but never had. Seriously, I feel so loved! And thats just some of them. I cant even tell you how rich and blessed i feel. I love you beyond words and will never forget how youve loved us!