My life has become insanely busy. I feel like im always on the go. Being a single parent is beyond difficult! I constantly feel like Im being pulled in 4 different directions and my full attention is always needed by all of them all of the time. There really is not a minute for yourself ( and i dont mean luxury time. I mean i cant even sit down to pay bills) until they're all tucked in bed but by then youre so exhausted you just want to crash. Even now as i type Simeon is fighting for a place on my lap. I cry probably atleast once a day. I carry the burden of feeling like im doing more damage to my children then good. I can never make them all happy. But i also dont believe it's my job to make them happy. Isaiah is yelling at me to come and get Simeon, which is yelled at me atleast 100 times a day and you know sometimes I just dont care. Im so tired of hearing my name called. I miss the life I use to have. I miss the routine of being home by a certain time for my husband. I miss being home every night and just even laying in bed with my husband eating ice cream and watching something stupid on tv. I hate trying to plan my days around sorrow. Even though George use to work long hours and i did alot by myself he was still a rock of support and encouragment by my side. I had him to share the craziness of my day with and now that's gone. And yes i have great friends but it's absolutely not the same. I have become extremely sensitive to other peoples marriages. With some i have envy with others i can see the disrespect for their husbands by the ever so subtle sarcastic remarks and put downs. I dont even know if they realize they're doing it- but their kids totally see it. I use to do it too. If youre a wife, I would encourage you to ask the Lord to show you if you do it.
Lately, I have been thinking about the days leading up to the death of Christ. Again what that must have felt like for our Father, knowing the horrific torture His son would willingly endure to settle our ransom with death and hell. I am reading the book of John to the boys and last night I read ch 18:4 " Jesus therefore, knowing ALL THE THINGS that were coming upon Him, went forth...WOW!! He knew exactly what was coming. That alone is almost beyond my understanding. Put yourself there and think about it for a moment. Sometimes I think we read scripture like it's just a story in a book- put life on for a minute and really think about it. Think about the faith that Jesus had in the Father- which believe it or not He did practice faith to do all He did on the cross, to go into hell and get the keys of hell and death, and then to be raised up on the third day- oh yah He had faith. In Hebrews ch 4: 14-16 God says" For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our wekanesses but one who WAS TEMPTED IN ALL THINGS AS WE ARE, yet without sin. He was obligated to become like us- with flesh and blood, walk the road we walk in order to become a faithful and merciful High Priest. The point im getting at is that there is nothing that we will face that Christ Himself hasnt faced-death, pain, being hungry, thirsty, unthankfulness of people, alone, lonely, tired, forsaken, falsly accused,discouraged, called names, beat up, spit upon, tempted to be unrighteously angry, His family thought He was crazy, people laughed at Him, called Him the devil, tempted to doubt the word of His father,every sickness and disease, cant even count how many times they tried to throw Him off a cliff in Luke, He's been sad, wanted Him only because He fed them food, plus He knew what was in the heart of people and still He did it all. Which brings me to what i wanted to get to. It says in matt 27: 51 And behold, the veil of the temple was torn from top to bottom... If you dont know, the veil of the temple was made up of a lot curtains, each specifically colored and it was 4 inches thick. It seperated the outer court and the Holy of Holies. It is the place where once a year the high priest would enter into and sprinkle the blood of the slain animal on the mercy seat for the forgivness of the sins of the people and Gods presence would come and fill that place behind the curtain but the curtain is there for the reminder thay we were seperated from His presence and could not go in there or you would have died. So i was thinking, i wonder if similar to how God knew what was going to happen in the garden, now our Father is waiting for the last drop of Christ's precious blood to fall, for Him to give up His last breath so He could rip down that veil- that constant reminder of our sin separating us from Himself- and welcome us with joy back into His presence. I have had this one scripture on my mind the last few days...Heb 4:16 Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Another translation says let us approach therefore with boldness to the throne of grace...I wonder sometimes when we read if we -or I- really understand the magnitude of what Im reading. Because of what Christ did, i have front row access to the throne of God. When we talk with Him in our living room, we really are standing in His presence before His throne. Isnt that what that says- we have access to His throne of grace? We may not physically see Him but the veil that separated us from Him was torn and we have free access into His presence- do we believe that? Or do we believe that it's just a one sided conversation and maybe He will answer us but probably not. Wasnt it Elisha who said: as the Lord lives in who's presence I stand. Well, he wasnt dead! But he had a constant awareness that wherever he was he was standing before God. I dont know about you, but i want to pretty much camp at His throne of grace, bow in His beautiful presence, and like the woman in the scripture Id like to wash His feet with my tears and dry them with my hair. I know we are all facing stuff. Just because i lost my husband that doesnt minimize what you may be going through. May I encourage you - draw near to His throne. And draw near to Him with confidence- confidence that He's going to answer you and help you in whatever you need. Get away, alone, and just sit in His presence. Whether you feel it or not, His word says we have access to there because of the blood of the One who left His glory in heaven to become like us, face everything we face, bought us back from sin and hell. He understands right where each one of us is and He is able to run to our aid. Not only that, He wants us to come to Him. Just like we love and want our children to come to us, everything our Father has done was to make the way for us to be able to be with Him again. Isaac, my 9 yo, has asked me probably 50 times now why Jesus had to die. He could have just made us obey or not had the fruit or done this or that... And my answer to him is always what greater love could God have shown toward us than to give the life of His own child- His own life. What greater act of love is there then that? Theres none.