Friday, December 25, 2009

cant think of a title tonight

I dont know that i have anything meaningful to say tonight, just how i feel. I thought i was prepared for this holiday but it did hit me harder that i expected and -even though i love my Savior- im glad its over! Its a good thing i have my boys or i would have forsure gone out and bought myself a bottle of tequila last night. I know that there is no help for me there but i just wanted to be numb and escape my life and thoughts for a while. Tonight i was standing outside and i just wanted to yell -my husband is dead! I feel like im dying inside, my whole life as i knew it is over! My friend, my love, the person who loved me with all my faults is gone. I have no idea where im going to live, whats going to happen to us, if im going to have to go to work, if im going to have to take my kids away from their friends and put them in public school. Im carrying the burden of doing 2 jobs - his and mine-on my shoulders and it totally sucks!!! Its unbearable! Lord, really??? This wasnt how it was suppose to be! Thats some of what iv been living with yesterday and today mixed with incredible sorrow and feeling like a failure of a mother. Im not looking for sympathy. I just want to be honest- as if i were writing in my private journal-because im sure these are normal thoughts and feelings people have when they are grieving. It's totally painful and all you can do is keep putting one foot infront of the other ( even though you dont ant to ) and try to remember to feed your kids :) which im told if you get that much done you are doing pretty good! I dont want to sound all fluff and bull on here incase anyone else hurting reads this. And while everything i said above is what this moment is like for me, i Know Jesus is walking this valley right beside me the whole way. I Know He is leading me through and eventually out.I Know that when the sorrow comes like a flood and i have to lay down and cry that He is laying right there beside me- because He said He will NEVER leave me. I Know that im one day closer to healing then yesterday - even if today was a harder day than yesterday. I Know that my Father in heaven understands my sorrow because His very own Son died on a cross for me and for you. And I Know that if He went to that great length for me than i know He will be faithful to carry us through this. So if anyone who reads this is hurting- hang on, hang on to Jesus and know He is hanging on to you. You will be ok!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Luke Ch 6:27-38 & Some thoughts on giving...

I love verse 27 " But I say to you who hear " I could just sit with that one verse for a while. You mean we " may not hear?" Surely our ears work right? We want to be hearers, dont we? I sure do. But after hearing that, you automatically know that what's going to come next is going to be something you wont want to hear, and for sure something hard that you wouldnt naturally want to do. So let's see. Im just going to make a list of the things Jesus mentioned to do for those of us who hear:
love your enemies
do good ( yes good! ) to those who hate you
give to everyone who asks of you without expecting anything in return
be merciful
dont judge
dont condemn
pardon/ release
And what happens when we do those things? Verse 38 Give, and it will be given to you; good measure , pressed down, shaken together, running over, THEY will pour into your lap. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you. I have heard this scripture used so many times in relation to giving money and that may be part of it. But giving encompasses way more then just money. Jesus said "they" would pour into your lap. I believe the they is the things He tells you to give--mercy, love, forgiveness, good things, freedom and grace. Those things will over flow into our lives and dont we all want those things? I also understand it's hard to do those things and thats why He is only speaking to those who hear- it's our choice.
Iv been looking at myself and how i give since all this started to happen with my husband. I have friends who i know have been on their faces crying and praying for me and my family consistantly since day one and they are still praying even more for us now. They stayed with me in to the early morning ours in the hospital. They have- more times than i can count- listened to me as i have wept uncontolably on the phone, having no idea what to say to me but listened to me still. They have loved me in a way i could never ever express in words and i wish i could put it in their hearts how much i love them for it! But i wondered, would i have done that for them? Would i have consistantly prayed for them with tears all day long? Or would i have just thrown out a -thank you Lord for taking care of them and gone about my day? When people ask me to pray for them do i take it seriously to me Father or in my heart treat it like its not really a big deal? Am I really loving people? Are you?
The second thing iv been looking at is how do i give. i have recieived an abundance of canned food and other things during the last few weeks. A few things have caught my eye like sardines, powdered milk, expired diet meals. Please dont get me wrong, I am thankful but it has caused me to look at what i give to people. I mean really, did someone go out and buy sardines thinking that was a good thing to give someone? and the expired diet food? Or was that the junk left in the back of their cupboard? And honestly, thats exactly how i would have given. Whatever was in my cupboard that i hadnt used is what i would give. How sad is that! God help me to be a hearer and a giver like Christ. Its a journey where im at right now. God is certainly showing me quite a bit and not all of it is nice. But i know He loves me, He is absolutely faithful and He shows us things to benefit us, not to hurt or shame us. I know this was long. I appreciate it if anyone actually read the whole thing! just some things I think are worth considering. :)

Sunday, December 20, 2009


I keep hearing it will "be better" after the holidays are over. I know people are sincerely trying to encourage me but lets see...after christams comes new years. After new years is our anniversary, then Ben's birthday. Feb is valentines day which always got me a hand made card from George with something sweet written in it. april is passover and easter and about the time he started getting sick. may is my birthday which again he always hand made a card for me and wrote me a letter. july is a kicker- simeon's birthday is the 14th, isaac's is the 23rd and george's is- was- the 31st. sept we had a special private memory together, oct was when he went into the hospital and then we're back to november when he went home to be with the Lord! So i think that theory's kinda blown. Again though, i appreciate their intention. what i find though is that it's not those things that are difficult to get through, you know they're coming. It's the unexpected things that hit you that you aren't expecting like hearing the aerosmith song " dont want to close my eyes" while your eating lunch in red robin, its seeing other families together with a husband/ dad walking and laughing and realizing thats not us anymore It's the thought of -oh no, theyre going to want to do family pictures at christmas-- but this isnt my family anymore!!!! My husband is missing, part of me is missing, PART OF US IS MISSING!!!! It's those things that just hit you out of no where that sink your heart. But, I Know, My Father is Faithful. And I know He is carrying us through this and even when it doesnt look like it or feel like it, i know we are healing everyday and are one day closer to being out of the valley of weeping. and not that you ever forget or still dont get sad but i know there is a healed place you get to at the end of the grieving process. So, until then im ( we are ) hidden in My Father's safe hands, close to His heart that loves me (us) so much He gave the life of His son as a ransom for me. So Thankful for That!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Isaiah 43 But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator... Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine! When you Pass Through the waters, I will be with you; and Through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you Walk Through the fire, you will not be scorched; for I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior. You are precious and I love you; do not fear for I am with you.
I love how God says exactly what you need to hear-- Dont be afraid, Im with you, your Mine, Iv called you, I bought you, nothing can take you out of My hand, You'll make it through, Im right there in it with you, I will never leave you and I love you. Isnt that what every single one of us wants and needs and longs to hear our whole life?! The world offers many counterfiets for that and if youre like me you tried a few of them, only to be left more broken than before. Oh what a beautiful moment it was though when we i touched the truth of my Saviors love for me. I am in awe of Him and so thankful that He is able. Able to deliver, able to heal, able to redeem, able to love, able to hold the boundries of anything that comes our way, He is able to overcome, hide us in a storm, able to hear every word we say to Him, able to see us, able to run to our aid, He is able to stand at the right hand of the Father and intercede for us, He was able to overcome sin and conquer fear and death and set those of us who were bound by it- FREE. For that Lord, You Are Worthy! Thank You

Sunday, December 13, 2009

God Is so good!

Today is much better than yesterday. Thank God the sorrow passes and you can live again. I am so thankful for my sweet Savior and His faithfulness- even when i am blaming Him and upset with Him. He sticks it out with our humaness and He NEVER leaves us. Who is like the Lord our God? Tonight i shake my head in amazement of His unfailing love towards us. Praise Your Holy Name!

Saturday, December 12, 2009


It's been a really, really tough day today! Frankly, i feel like im walking through the valley of anger today. Im mad, and im mad at God- and it breaks my heart to even say that, but it's how i feel. He knows, so I might as well be honest with anyone who reads this. Really Lord? this is how it's going to be? Really?!!! I can't do this Lord, I can't!!! I can't do this alone, i need him, i need You! I feel like im in a whirl wind. My kids are out of control, they fight and pick on each other all day long! There is only one of me! I want to love them and have joy and come together but dont know how to get that to happen. I feel so sad for them. Ben is just out of control. He is so angry all the time. It's heart breaking. He has no understanding but just tells me he misses daddy and prays he is ok in heaven. I just keep shaking my head in disbelief...this can't be happening to us...this can't be our life!

ps 39 Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry; do not be silent at my tears
And now Lord, for what do i wait? My hope is in Thee.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Our Story

Our story...
I always have to start my story with when i gave my life to Christ because that's really when life began for me. For many years i was on a pretty bad road. I was full of rage, bitter, just tormented inside. I tried everything i could to help myself but nothing worked and i believed i had no hope. I use to just fall on the ground and beg God to kill me. I didnt care how He did it because nothing could hurt worse then the pain i was living in. But, through an amazing set of circumstances, God instead reached His hand down to me and pulled me out of the hell i was living in and through a variety of different people i found out that Jesus Christ loves me and had given His life for me. I love Him for it- how could you not- and Iv been following Him since.
About 2 years after that, i was working in a coffee house and my husband started coming in every day with his bible for coffee. At first i didnt really like him. You see, i was very legalistic when i first became a christian and i thought i knew it all and it was my job to tell you how you should live your life. :) Well, my husband would pretty much tell me i was wrong and either show me the truth in the Word or he'd tell me to go look it up myself which i would do and ofcourse i discovered i was wrong! Needless to say, he wasnt scoring many points with me and some days i would even hide in the back when i saw him coming! Makes me smile now thinking about it. Well, he didnt go away and eventually through our talks and bible studies i came to love him. It was long after that- maybe 8 months- that we got married and we had our reception in that coffee house.
To catch you up to now...we have 4 beautiful boys. All of the were born at home. My husband delivered each one and his strong arms and sweet face were the first things they felt and saw. Isaac is 9, Isaiah is 7, Benjamin is 4, and Simeon is 2. My husband was a general contractor and i have always stayed at home to take care of and home school our boys- something we both saw great value in.
I guess it was around July of this year, my husband started having some diarrhea. You need to understand my husband was the strongest man i have ever known. One time a saw fell down his face and he just got some super glue, went in the bathroom and glued his face back together and went back to work- thats just how he was. So he figured he just had the runs like most guys would think. It went on for about 2 months and got progressively worse. We went to the ER oct 9 and they told him he had a cancerous tumor in his colon and that the cancer had spread to his liver. We immediately turned our faces to the wall ( 2 kings 20: 1-11 ) . There was really nothing the Dr.'s could do and my husband was one who would rather put his trust in the Lord then in men. Like he said to the social worker- I have a heavenly Father who loves me and with a word He created everything we see and until a man can come and tell me he can do that I think im better off in His hands! He was in the hospital for 5 days and then came home, but his pain was not managed so we went back to the er and by just a few days later the cancer had spread to his stomach and lungs. He didnt want to be in the hospital, so we came home still leaving it in the hands of our Father. 2 or 3 days later he woke up and his eyes were pretty yellow and i knew in my heart that there wasnt much time left. So you know, i spent every minute of every day (even while we were in the hospital) by his side just loving on him, kissing him, smelling him, telling him what a great husband and dad he is and how much we love him. November 6 he went home to be with the Lord. He was in my arms and i loved on him and kissed him until there was no breath left in his body. He wasnt perfect, but he was my best friend and my love-we miss him greatly!