John 14:1 Let not your heart be troubled, believe in God; believe also in Me.
I have been really overwhelmed the last couple of days. I guess before George got sick and passed i was never really exposed to disease and death. The last few days iv felt so surrounded by it People are just dying left and right from sicknesses to car accidents. My friend finding out her 6yo little boy having cancer was just the straw that broke the camels back. It's just not right. And when i hear of someone else it effects me deeply probably because my wound is still new and im moved with grief and sorrow for them. The other night i couldnt hear another word. I just broke down crying lifting my hands up to our Father- where our hope comes from. After putting the boys to bed i felt like i needed to run away to Him and I just spent hours at His feet, reading His word, singing to Him. Fear tries to come , things try to shake us, make us doubt God and His GOODNESS. I feel like im running my faith race against a tornado right now. I still believe in His promise of a long life- here on this earth- and my years filled with good things!!!! And i feel like that's trying to be stolen from me. Again, i dont know why all things happen but im not going to say something horrible was His will just because i dont have a better explanation. I know too, that we live in a fallen world but that does NOT nullify Gods word. And if in His word He says that we can have a long life filled with good things then regardless of living in this fallen world it must still be possible or He lied. And I know about the " if its His will" stuff. I dont even think thats a scripture is it? Jesus said if youve seen me, youve seen the Father and He always did the things He saw the Father doing. So how can we say "if its His will"? He's never shown us anything different. And why things happen with other people- even my husband-I cant let steal His words from my heart. 3 days after He lead the people out of bondage in egypt ( which is a picture of us being saved out of this world) He told them that He is the Lord that heals them. He could have picked alot of different things to share about Himself with them but thats what he chose to tell them- how beautiful is that! So i dont get it all but i have to believe in His word and His goodness and not what i see in this life. So ive been drowning myself with His word and what it says about His goodness. Here's a few
2 chronicles 5:13 He indeed is good for His lovingkindness is everlasting," then the house, the house of the LORD, was filled with a cloud,
ezra 3:11They sang, praising and giving thanks to the LORD, saying, "For He is good, for His lovingkindness is upon Israel forever.
ps 23:6 Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
ps 25: good and upright is the Lord
ps 34:8 O taste and see that the Lord is good.How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him
ps65:4 we will be satisfied with the goodness of Thy house
ps 73:1 surely God is good
ps For You, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive,And abundant in lovingkindness to all who call upon You.
ps 100:5 the LORD is good His lovingkindness is everlasting And His faithfulness to all generations.
ps 103 1Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.
ps 107
p 118:1, 29
ps 119:68 You are good and do good
ps 145:79
micah Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth over the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? he retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in lovingkindness.
lamentations 3:25
nahum 1:7 The Lord is good, A stronghold in the day of trouble and He knows those who take refuge in Him.
Jeremiah 9:23-24 23Thus says the LORD, "Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things," declares the LORD.
matt 7:9-11 "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
And the one im holding on to right now psalm 34:8:
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.

My friend found out this week that their 6 yo little boy has cancer. His name is Nathan. They will be undergoing alot these next few weeks. Please pray for their family.

Last week i went to the women's conference at Cottonwood. While i did enjoy it, I found it focused a little too much on getting involved with other things. While i absolutely believe in serving others, i believe taking care of our husbands and children should be our main serving. I think it's easy for us- for me anyway- to desire to get involved in certain "ministries" because they feel good to do them ie...helping teen moms, visiting people in hospitals, volunteering time serving meals. Compare that to butt wiping, referring, character training ALL DAY LONG, Id rather do those other things in a heart beat. I remember asking the Lord sometime ago about where i was going to minister and asking Him what He's called me to do. And you know one day I was super tired, on my knees changing a poopy diaper and He said to me " what if THIS is what I want you to do?" I said, Well, im not going to be very happy about that! But, it doesnt matter if Im happy with it- being home loving and serving our husbands and children is what He has called us to do. And i believe this work is our training ground to really learn to serve like Christ- where we really learn the meaning of denying ourselves and picking up our cross and following Him. He was tired, emptied Himself to find that others still had needs and He somehow met them, no one ever cared if He ate or drank, whenever He tried to go away and spend time with the Father people always found Him, people spoke badly of Him and yet He continued to serve- even His enemy. And Im pretty sure that only one person ever thanked Him for doing something. Some of that rings vaguely familiar to my life. I love at the conference on Friday, one of the speakers was saying how she was telling God how she just cant do things because she's so tired. And His answer to her was that He never promised her she wouldnt be tired! AND He said to her - Charlette you're just going to have to learn to do tired WELL. Isn't that the truth!

Its been pretty busy for me lately. I had a nice birthday and just felt really loved and blessed with what i do have- which is quite a bit! Last summer we spent a few days with friends up in Big Bear. It was right at the beginning of George getting sick. We had a great time. Well for my birthday one of those friends is buying us a night up there this summer. And i was sharing with another friend how different it will be for me to drive there because George would have driven for me. I never traveled any distance without him. I was wishing i had a sea doo to take up but didnt know if i could do the drive with a trailer behind me. The point of all this is...my friends response (who i loooove- since she'll probably see this :) said well, think of how empowering that would be for me to do all that by myself. While im sure she meant that to encourage me, but i dont want to be empowered! And of course there's nothing wrong with women doing those things on their own, but i dont want to be self sufficient like that. I liked needing my husband and i like that he needed me for things too. I liked taking care of him. I liked getting his clothes out, making his plate for him, serving him his favorite coffees. Some women would say those are things a mom would do and they should do that for themselves, but i dont agree. Atleast not for me. I believe men were created to be our protectors, a covering of strength over us. And we - according to the scripture- were created to be their help mate. And did you know that the word helpmate is used 19 times in the scripture n relation to the Holy Spirit being our helper- it's the same word. Now im certainly not saying anyone should go do the job of the Holy Spirit in your husbands life.But in case you feel your job is not an important, it's actually just as important as that of the Holy Spirits. I like the verse in proverbs 31- the heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain. Can the heart of your husband trust you? Or has he just quitely backed down to doing things your way to keep the peace? And look at the promise that comes with them being able to trust us---they will have no lack of gain. We have some influence in their lives. I remember the first time the Lord showed me that verse- i cried. And i called my husband crying afraid to even ask him if his heart trusted in me because i knew the answer. This isnt a verse about being faithful. Its a verse about them being able to trust us with their heart thoughts, their ideas. Trusting that we wont put them down. It's about us supporting them, encourageing them,standing by them, being their soft place to land at the end of a day of being out in this crazy world. For those of us who are blessed to stay home, we should be extra appreciative. I would not want to have to work outside of my home and have the world yelling their filth at me all day- no thanks! Dont get me wrong either, im not a wimp, but i loved my husbands strength and i loved that i could be feminine and need a strong man to come to my rescue- which he definately did on more than one occasion. There was something else i wanted to write about but im out of time. I just want to end with this. I- again- love when God speaks to us and that it doesnt matter that i was in the shower when it happened tonight. I was thinking to myself how i hate even the thought of being single and" on the market. " And the Lord said to me in this strong voice- you are NOT on the market. And i knew immediately that He meant that He IS my husband and that i am not available- not that im even considering that right now. But I love that and then i just kind of chuckled and said back to Him- well if it does happen he is going to have to be one amazing guy to get Your permission to take Your place.

Iv had such a blessed week! We do serve an amazing God who even in the midst of our struggles and sadness can make us feel not just a peace that surpasses all understanding but a love as well. I love how God in His amazing wisdom uses having children as reflections of our spiritual walk with Him. Not just the fits and selfishness that we may- at times- have in common with them but the simple beautiful everyday life moments. I was at Disneyland Land with the boys a few weeks ago. I was riding Big thunder mountain with Ben and he wants to hold his arms up because its more thrilling and fun but he's too scared to. So i said to him go ahead and put your arms up and Ill hold onto you. So i put my arms around his waist and held him and he, smiling from ear to ear, threw his arms up in the air. What i noticed though, was that when we would go down a dip or turn sidewise he would get scared and doubt my grip on him and he would start to reach for the bar so id squeeze him a little tighter and reassure him that iv got him and up his arms would go again. Now i know thats just a day at disneyland but i gleaned something spiritual from that. Isnt that how our lives are- like the roller coaster? Filled with ups, downs, fun times when we throw our hands up but also some scary times when we are holding on for dear life. What beautiful picture of faith I saw in Ben that he trusted me not only in the good times but when he was afraid. Isnt that Just like our Father? He holds us in our good times but in our darkest moments of fear He holds us a little tighter and tells us- dont be afraid, Im holding you. Go ahead and throw your arms up because Im your Father and i will see you through. I was just rereading Nehemiah and in ch8: 10 he says" Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength" For a long time i couldnt understand what that meant- the joy of the Lord is our strength. Now i think i do. I believe it's the joy of knowing Him, knowing what He promises His children. I believe it's looking at Jesus as the exact representation of the nature of our Father and knowing that He not only holds us by the hand, but that we are also in His hands and NOTHING- no sickness, sorrow, disease, debt, lack, oppression, fear, pain, no other power- not even death itself can seperate us from Him. And for the joy of having that knowledge, no matter what we are facing now or to come, we can have strength and we can and should lift our hands to Him in praise because He- and He alone- is our Deliverer.

I love love love Cottonwood church! I love the praise, the people and I love the teaching! Last night Isaac went with me to the service. They are teaching on healing sunday nights through may. And yes, i still believe God heals. So i was actually praying for Isaac last night during service that God would move on Him, that he would be touched by the Holy Spirit, that He would be affected somehow. For those of you who dont know Isaac, he's not a big talker about feelings, and he's not super affectionate. ( He says he's saving all the hugs and kisses for his wife ) He will let me hug him but i pretty much have to chase him down to do it. Anyway on the way home last night we were talking about George and Isaac started telling me that he was still angry with me about something that happened with his dad. One night during his last 2 weeks a friend had come over. I was walking her out and we were praying out front. Isaac came out and told me that dad wanted to have a family meeting but i gave him the "wait" sign because we were praying. Well, by the time we were done outside George had fallen back asleep. ( he was on a lot of morphine and was asleep most of the time ) So Isaac, this whole time ,has been angry with me. I told him i was so sorry for doing that. And i said that i hoped he could forgive me for that which he said he did with a sweet smile. But what was wonderful was that it opened up this moment for us to share. When we got home he asked if he could sleep with me which was strange for him to ask so i said yes. And thank God for the Holy Spirit leading us! I had planned on sewing and doing my thing but i just felt Isaac's heart was open so i went and laid down with him. He started asking me what i miss and dont miss about dad and then he shared with me what he misses and doesnt. He kept putting his head under the pillows because he was crying. Then we talked about all these memories he has of hanging out together, playing guitar, watching movies in georges big truck, working together. Just a quick side brag- when isaac was 7, George redid our roof and let Isaac help him demo it. George tied him to the chimney and Isaac worked all night- non stop! He loved working with his dad and honestly he worked harder than most of Georges other helpers. But we talked about how hard it is to have all those memories because you also have more sorrow- more of a loss I think. We talked about how Simeon will never remember George being part of his life but Isaac assured me he will help Sim to know who is dad was. I told him that id never forget this one day probably just days before George died how Isaac asked him to do a puzzle with him. Even though George just slept the whole time they were at the table together. It just blessed my heart that he wasnt scared of him ( because he looked scarey )and he wanted to spend time with him. He said, well mom, i wanted him to be healed. It was so sweet and such a precious God time with him last night. And it reassured my hope in their (our) Father that He is working in their hearts and He will be faithful to bring them through this.

I'll tell ya, this roller coaster of grief is exhausting! The realization that George is gone followed by that surreal feeling of not being able to really believe that. One minute of being happy than for no apparent reason deep sorrow just rises up in you. It can be maddening. And it can happen anywhere at anytime. Ive been standing in line at walmart or starbucks and all of the sudden wham, here it comes. And i say to the Lord -no way Lord, not here! Thank God for sunglasses! I dont get it nor do I understand how this process of grieving works. But I do know the One who's holding my hand walking us through it, healing us every step of the way- and my eyes, heart and hope are fixed on Him- my Father.
I will be honest though, this is not easy. Even as i write this, im totally irritated with my boys. My house is a mess. Ben spilled red Kool aid everywhere tonight- twice! My laundry is overflowing, Simeon is forcing his way on my lap as I type pulling down my shirt trying to nurse. And Id really like to run away with a huge glass of wine, but im going to settle for a big bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and ride it out instead. Its hard doing it all! And it's not just the "doing things" thats hard. It's that when im doing the things George use to do, its a constant reminder that he's not here doing them anymore. I cant ask him to watch them while i run to the store for one thing. Now we all have to load up and go. He's not here to hug me and make me laugh when im about to lose my mind. He's not here to investigate if i hear a noise outside at night- im the one who has to do it. I miss having his strength, his covering. This is the time of year that we would start to spend evenings out front. We'd be bumpin the praise music, he would be watering the grass or washing a car, and the boys would be running crazy or riding scooters. Then we'd finish off the night with big bowls of ice cream. Tonight though when i was outside watering, I just kept thinking that the month he started getting sick is rapidly approaching and im not looking forward to the memories im going to be reliving in my heart. But you know, this is where Im at and God knows all about it. Nomatter how hard the road gets, im going to keep pressing on and pressing in to Jesus. That's Always Our Answer. Our circumstance has not taken Him by surprise- neither has yours. :) He knew when He gave me these boys that i would be in this exact moment and there is a place inside of me that is solidly anchored on the knowledge that He is not only going to take care of us but that the best for us is still to come. Now, I can't always see or feel how that could be possible but knowing our Father and being a believer I have to believe that. We are not of those who have no hope! I was reading psalm 126 about when God freed His people from captivity: I love that it's called "a song of ascents" Because it shows how He is. It shows Him delivering His people from a low place of horrible bondage and sorrow and setting them free and bringing them up to a higher beautiful place abounding with every good thing.
When the LORD brought back the captive ones of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter
And our tongue with joyful shouting;
Then they said among the nations,
The LORD has done great things for them."
The LORD has done great things for us;
We are glad. Restore ( what was taken because of ) our captivity, O LORD,
As the streams in the South.
Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.
He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,
Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.
Thats my declaration- Im sowing in tears and i fully intend to reap -not just with joy- but joyful shouting of praise to our God! And im not sure what sheaves are but when i read it i thought of my boys and im trusting God to bring them in joyfully shouting as well.

Today was actually way better than expected. I had great fellowship with amazing friends and my boys swam and played to their hearts content. It was a great day. And to top it, I heard from God. I just love that our God speaks to us! About a week ago my mother in law and i were talking about the story of the widow and Elisha in 2 kings 4 Here is the story incase you dont know it. Now a certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets cried out to Elisha, "Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that your servant feared the LORD; and the creditor has come to take my two children to be his slaves."Elisha said to her, "What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?" And she said, "Your maidservant has nothing in the house except a jar of oil."Then he said, "Go, borrow vessels at large for yourself from all your neighbors, even empty vessels; do not get a few."And you shall go in and shut the door behind you and your sons, and pour out into all these vessels, and you shall set aside what is full."So she went from him and shut the door behind her and her sons; they were bringing the vessels to her and she poured. When the vessels were full, she said to her son, "Bring me another vessel." And he said to her, "There is not one vessel more." And the oil stopped. Then she came and told the man of God. And he said, "Go, sell the oil and pay your debt, and you and your sons can live on the rest." So my mother in law spoke a blessing over us that every time i had to spend God would keep filling for us just like He did for the widow. A couple of days after that i reading that story with Isaac as well as the other places where God provided for a widow. Then at Cottonwood this morning we had a guest speaker from Africa and what do you think he read? Yep! About the widow. I love how God repeats Himself to drive it home that it IS Him speaking, guiding, letting us know He is taking care of us. And I love how one sentence from God can speak volumes to our situation. As I was sitting there at the very end of the message i just heard Him speak into my heart; " And I will provide for YOU until you dont need it any longer." What can I say to that? What can I say of Him...His greatness, His great love for us- His children. psalm 84:2 My heart and my flesh sing for joy to the living God! Psalm 145 I will extol You, my God, O King, And I will bless Your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless You, And I will praise Your name forever and ever. Great is the LORD, and highly to be praised,And His greatness is unsearchable. One generation shall praise Your works to another,And shall declare Your mighty acts. On the glorious splendor of Your majesty And on Your wonderful works, I will meditate. Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts, And I will tell of Your greatness. And He IS great! And i hope whoever reads these posts is encouraged by His faithfulness towards me because He will be faithful to you as well. Trust Him!

Im tired tonight. This has been a looong week of being out of the house early and for most of the day. Im spent. I (unfortunately) am not looking forward to mothers day this weekend and honestly id like to take my guys and run away for the weekend but i have no idea where to go. I was reading the bible to them tonight and Ben leaned over and whispered in my ear that he wished he could die so he could be with and talk to his dad. I just love that boy! (I love them all ofcourse) So i said to Ben that if he showed up anytime soon in heaven Dad would be pretty upset and probably ask Jesus to send him back until he has had a long life with his years full of good things! Then i said to them- you know, if Dad could talk to us right now he would first tell us he loves us, then he would tell us not to be sad but to live and enjoy our life and trust God to keep taking care of us- that He is faithful. I love how my mother in law said it to me the other day. She said something to the effect of; it's just hard to get use to him living somewhere else now and not being with us anymore. I LOVE that because he IS still alive. The scripture says believers dont die. Our spirit- the real us- just passes right over to our real home. So technically he's just moved. Isnt that the truth?

Rated "R" for exclamation point profanity

I was going to write something encouraging tonight. The last couple of messages at church have been really good about expecting God to do great things for us but honestly thats gone for me at this moment. It is amazing to me how one thing can just almost sink me. I was going about having a great day visiting a friend today and i was in their front yard pushing Simeon in a swing. My friends husband came home and without thinking i turned towards where her kids were and said- your dads here. Simeon spun his head around so fast to look and he said dad! My heart sunk and i couldnt believe i even said it. Then i had to explain to him that it wasnt his dad, it was theirs. Do you have any idea how !!!!!! up that is????? And please dont even think about giving me grief about my exclamation points! I just wanted to throw up! It is wrong on every single level to have to repeatedly tell my little boy that his dad is gone. And im sure he's over it now but i sit and wonder what his heart must have felt at that moment when i said those stupid !!!!!!! words and right now i cant let it go. Im so, so sad- and angry! Im sad not only for me but for other people- a man who lost his wife and he has a 3 yo little boy who keeps calling for his mom- every single day now for i think almost a year -and his dad is helpless to that and it's wrong that he doesnt have her! People move on with their lives - which is ok, it's what they should do. But they have no idea the ins and outs of everyday little things we go through. Little things that you just never think of. Like a little boy crying in need of his mom and dad trying to bring him comfort but he wants his mom and keeps crying for her. I cant even imagine how hard it is for him! i know another woman who will probably lose her husband, she cant even sleep in her bed because he's not with her. Father, forgive me for walking through this life so self absorbed. Help me to stop wasting time and worrying about things that are temporal. Help me to love all over on my boys and to not be irritated with them because they arent perfect. Please pray for people. Get alone with God and tell Him youre willing to intercede for people and ask Him who to pray for, He'll lead you. There is so much pain in this world, i dont know how our Father bears it- but im sure glad He bears it for us because i cant carry this load.