I'll tell ya, this roller coaster of grief is exhausting! The realization that George is gone followed by that surreal feeling of not being able to really believe that. One minute of being happy than for no apparent reason deep sorrow just rises up in you. It can be maddening. And it can happen anywhere at anytime. Ive been standing in line at walmart or starbucks and all of the sudden wham, here it comes. And i say to the Lord -no way Lord, not here! Thank God for sunglasses! I dont get it nor do I understand how this process of grieving works. But I do know the One who's holding my hand walking us through it, healing us every step of the way- and my eyes, heart and hope are fixed on Him- my Father.
I will be honest though, this is not easy. Even as i write this, im totally irritated with my boys. My house is a mess. Ben spilled red Kool aid everywhere tonight- twice! My laundry is overflowing, Simeon is forcing his way on my lap as I type pulling down my shirt trying to nurse. And Id really like to run away with a huge glass of wine, but im going to settle for a big bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and ride it out instead. Its hard doing it all! And it's not just the "doing things" thats hard. It's that when im doing the things George use to do, its a constant reminder that he's not here doing them anymore. I cant ask him to watch them while i run to the store for one thing. Now we all have to load up and go. He's not here to hug me and make me laugh when im about to lose my mind. He's not here to investigate if i hear a noise outside at night- im the one who has to do it. I miss having his strength, his covering. This is the time of year that we would start to spend evenings out front. We'd be bumpin the praise music, he would be watering the grass or washing a car, and the boys would be running crazy or riding scooters. Then we'd finish off the night with big bowls of ice cream. Tonight though when i was outside watering, I just kept thinking that the month he started getting sick is rapidly approaching and im not looking forward to the memories im going to be reliving in my heart. But you know, this is where Im at and God knows all about it. Nomatter how hard the road gets, im going to keep pressing on and pressing in to Jesus. That's Always Our Answer. Our circumstance has not taken Him by surprise- neither has yours. :) He knew when He gave me these boys that i would be in this exact moment and there is a place inside of me that is solidly anchored on the knowledge that He is not only going to take care of us but that the best for us is still to come. Now, I can't always see or feel how that could be possible but knowing our Father and being a believer I have to believe that. We are not of those who have no hope! I was reading psalm 126 about when God freed His people from captivity: I love that it's called "a song of ascents" Because it shows how He is. It shows Him delivering His people from a low place of horrible bondage and sorrow and setting them free and bringing them up to a higher beautiful place abounding with every good thing.
When the LORD brought back the captive ones of Zion,
We were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter
And our tongue with joyful shouting;
Then they said among the nations,
The LORD has done great things for them."
The LORD has done great things for us;
We are glad. Restore ( what was taken because of ) our captivity, O LORD,
As the streams in the South.
Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting.
He who goes to and fro weeping, carrying his bag of seed,
Shall indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.
Thats my declaration- Im sowing in tears and i fully intend to reap -not just with joy- but joyful shouting of praise to our God! And im not sure what sheaves are but when i read it i thought of my boys and im trusting God to bring them in joyfully shouting as well.