Im a mess tonight. Im just getting blindsided by all this sorrow. I hate to even write about it here because it's just the same thing over and over again. I just sit here in disbelief that he's gone. I just can't wrap my heart around that. Im so stinkin sad. I feel like a huge hypocrite. At home the kids see me, im a crying yelling mess but out of the house I have the game face on. Ive been watching this video I have of him. It was 4 days before he died and I just wanted to video tape him saying he loves me. He did a little video for each of the boys and I wanted one for me. He ofcourse had to be silly and sing it and right when he started Simeon grabbed his feet and hurt him and he started yelling. His toes were all turning black from... I don't even know what. Isaac made a funny comment- "that was a funny song Dad" which kinda made him smile. He did end up singing it. I just wanted him to say he loves me...how we take hearing those words for granted. I don't know.... I just sit here shaking my head, how can this be? I miss him. I want to be over all this. Im exhausted from being so emotional. Ugh!

This last week or so I feel like ive entered a new area of grief. Im not sure if grieving is the same for everyone or how the whole grief process works but I know the One who heals the broken hearted and man, am I counting on Him. Lately though I feel... abandoned, I feel like he left me. I know in my mind that's not true but that is how I feel and im mad at him. Im mad because he's in glory and im here bearing a burden I can't humanly carry. Im mad because I need him! I need him to bounce my thoughts off of, to help me make decisions that he would have been the one making. I need him for the great big things and dumb little fix it things. Tonight I heard something in the backyard ( which i believe was the pitbull living behind me ) so i loaded my gun and went out to investigate it. And iv had to do that a few times before. Don't get me wrong im not a whinny wimpy girl, I know i can do all this, but theres a magnitude of this that really only me and God get- unless you too have lost your husband. Every decision, I have to make. The financial burden is on me. Im the protector of the family now ( I know God keeps us ), Im the one the boys come to now if something is broken and needs to be fixed and I don't know how to fix it but George would have. Im the one living totally by faith without someone that when things get tough and I dont have him to lean on or to pray for me or just be the calm in my storm. Today,without any warning, I became so overwhelmed with sorrow and anger that i took my pillow and went into the back of the garage and i screamed and cried for like an hour. I also took the door knob so the boys couldnt follow me out. And I could hear the boys fighting and acting up but I just couldnt deal with them in the condition I was in. After I got it out, I was fine. And Im not having a pity party i just want people to know this is how it is. You feel a little crazy sometimes :) Emotions changing drastically without warning and for no apparent reason. But God is so amazing. I don't know how anyone could do this without Him. He is my Rock, my Refuge. Though my life is rocking from this storm right now, I know i wont be moved because He is the Anchor of my soul. And I praise Him for His faithfulness.

Today is my oldest son, Isaac's 10th birthday. Its hard to believe how fast life just zooms by you. I gave birth to him at home and George's arms were the first to hold him. I remember every detail of it like it was yesterday. I also remember his birthday last year. He got a bunch of squirt guns for gifts. I remember the boys laying in wait in the kitchen when they heard his truck coming and then as he was walking up to the house they ambushed him. He and Isaac made a skateboard together that night. That skateboard has since been stolen, Isaac misses it. It's nice to look back on that memory with happiness. Although now that Im writing about it it is stirring up some sorrow. I miss him. I miss his strength, his smile. I miss the boys not having him. I was reading this morning in the book of Hosea. I just love that book. Maybe because I can relate to Gomer. I fully remember being enslaved to things before coming to Christ. But then to know Him and to have Him speak His beautiful words upon my heart and redeem me from that life I lived...there really are no words...I love Him for it. So Hosea is one of the most beautiful scriptures to me. Israel is going down and this is Gods last gracious attempt to restore them to Himself and I love that He uses a marriage /love relationship to demonstrate the picture because we all would understand that. God tells Hosea to marry a harlot named Gomer. Gomer, like Israel and us, seeks other lovers and deserts Hosea. In spite of the depth to which her sin carries her, Hosea redeems her from the slave market and restores her. Ch 2 God says "Therefore, behold, I will allure her, Bring her into the wilderness And speak upon her heart. Then I will give her her vineyards from there, And the valley of Achor (trouble) as a door of hope And she will sing there as in the days of her youth, As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. It will come about in that day," declares the LORD, That you will call Me Ishi ( Husband) And will no longer call Me Baali. (master) For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, So that they will be mentioned by their names no more...I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, In lovingkindness and in compassion, And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the LORD.( Another translation says; And then I'll marry you for good—forever! I'll marry you true and proper, in love and tenderness. Yes, I'll marry you and neither leave you nor let you go. You'll know me, God, for who I really am.) ...I will sow her for Myself in the land I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion, And I will say to those who were not My people, You are My people! And they will say, You are my God!

Isnt that beautiful? Those were Gods last attempt words to bring Israel back to Himself. I just find Him amazing, the lengths that He goes to to show us His love for us. Think about it.

found this letter from my husband today. Thought Id share part of him with you.

Iv'e been reliving for about a week now where we were last year at this time. The 4th of July is sort of a marker for when things started happening. George had just begun having stomach trouble but there was no pain or anything so he didn't think anything of it. It certainly never- ever- entered my mind that 4 months, 2 days, and a few hours down the road id being holding him while he died. I mentioned before how i feel so sensitive to the comments i hear wives make to or about their husbands now. I was sitting with some friends the other day and they were taIking about their husbands short comings, their lack of spiritual leadership, their lack of wanting to be doing things all the time, how they wished they were like this other man and one even said she had wished she would have married " a ( spiritual) man like that." I see it in most marriages- i did it too. I was unhappy with George a lot. Sometimes i look back and wonder if i was ever happy with him. I was angry or unhappy with something way more than I even want to admit to you. And honestly, it wasns't because he had done anything wrong. I think I was maybe just discontent and instead of finding my peace and fulfillment in the Lord he became an easy target for me to focus on as the problem for why I was unhappy. My answer to my friends was that i think we'd still be unhappy with them even if they were spiritual leaders because they probably wouldn't do it like we think they should. I feel like- sadly- that George and many other husbands feel like nothing they ever do is good enough. The subtle little comments are just little put downs disguised in some laughter. It's sad and what i really wanted to say to my friends and to anyone who reads this- just love them! Be thankful that you have them. You can't really realize how they are a covering for you until their gone- but they are. George may not have read the bible like I thought he should but he'd give his shirt of his back to someone and he would have laid down his life for me and the boys. Find your joy and contentment in our Father because you won't find it in your husband. Instead of pointing out their problems, LOVE THEM LIKE THEY ARE ALL YOU DESIRE THEM TO BE and maybe they'll rise up to that instead of shrinking down under the criticism. Marriage is suppose to be a picture of the great mystery of Christ and His Bride- us, the church. It's suppose to be a picture of unconditional, sacrificial love and forgiveness not based on the performance of the other. And ofcourse we all mess up. But the only way you can love like that is if you're finding the source of all your needs in God.
So like i said, the 4th of July is a marker for me and sadly we spent the day fighting. Actually I was fighting with him. (George rarely fought with me.) He didn't do anything wrong. I was struggling with something and instead of going to the Lord for my help, I made the problem about him and it wasn't. Im even sadder to admit I kept on about that stupid thing for days after. What a waste of time! Now don't get me wrong, Im not beating myself up. I have no regrets. In those last weeks believe me, i loved him. And what kind of spiritual leader he was at that point did not matter. But you may not get the opportunity I did. We need to humble ourselves more, they will respond to that. Get down on your knees and wash their feet and see the response you get. Have more sex with them- yes, I said it! Philipians 2 says Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. That's our example of how to love. That's what we should strive for.