My sweet husband of 11 years and the father of our 4 young boys went home to be with the Lord on nov 6, 2009. This blog is the story of our journey passing through the valley of weeping.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
This last week or so I feel like ive entered a new area of grief. Im not sure if grieving is the same for everyone or how the whole grief process works but I know the One who heals the broken hearted and man, am I counting on Him. Lately though I feel... abandoned, I feel like he left me. I know in my mind that's not true but that is how I feel and im mad at him. Im mad because he's in glory and im here bearing a burden I can't humanly carry. Im mad because I need him! I need him to bounce my thoughts off of, to help me make decisions that he would have been the one making. I need him for the great big things and dumb little fix it things. Tonight I heard something in the backyard ( which i believe was the pitbull living behind me ) so i loaded my gun and went out to investigate it. And iv had to do that a few times before. Don't get me wrong im not a whinny wimpy girl, I know i can do all this, but theres a magnitude of this that really only me and God get- unless you too have lost your husband. Every decision, I have to make. The financial burden is on me. Im the protector of the family now ( I know God keeps us ), Im the one the boys come to now if something is broken and needs to be fixed and I don't know how to fix it but George would have. Im the one living totally by faith without someone that when things get tough and I dont have him to lean on or to pray for me or just be the calm in my storm. Today,without any warning, I became so overwhelmed with sorrow and anger that i took my pillow and went into the back of the garage and i screamed and cried for like an hour. I also took the door knob so the boys couldnt follow me out. And I could hear the boys fighting and acting up but I just couldnt deal with them in the condition I was in. After I got it out, I was fine. And Im not having a pity party i just want people to know this is how it is. You feel a little crazy sometimes :) Emotions changing drastically without warning and for no apparent reason. But God is so amazing. I don't know how anyone could do this without Him. He is my Rock, my Refuge. Though my life is rocking from this storm right now, I know i wont be moved because He is the Anchor of my soul. And I praise Him for His faithfulness.
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I get you, Denise. My situation is different, but I understand the emotions. It stinks to be the one left behind.
ReplyDeleteI'm just so sorry. That's all I can say. I will pray for you.
ReplyDeleteI new how you feel i understand the emotions.God is glory for shore. love him he is my rock to. we will pray for you and your family.God bless you.
ReplyDeleteI sooooooooooooooo understand. I used to get mad more frequent then I do now. I feel like I was LEFT BEHIND in this miserable place and he was the lucky one. I was the unlucky one who had to deal with life without him and all the people who were also left behind. I hate this grief thing...
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