Sunday, June 27, 2010

Just wanted to say today was a much much better day! Im trying to change my perspective a little bit and consider the place where my boys are at. It's easy for me to forget that they have feelings about what's going too. Just because they don't talk about it doesn't mean they're not there. And if they're feeling like i feel a lot of the time no wonder their aggression has escalated and they're easy provoked. So my prayer is that God keeps me mindful and sensitive to them and their needs. So please keep praying for us! And i made it threw the whole day without yelling once! I know for some of you moms that doesn't seem like much but for me at this time of our life it's huge. Praise God!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

It's NOT a good day today! It should be, but it isn't. I just got through smashing one of my boys toys on the floor over and over and over again. So now he's laying in his bed crying but you know im tired of them fighting over some stupid broken 7.00 toy that they only care about because their brother has it. I don't think i had 2 minutes today that they weren't fighting. I wake up to them bickering. If one doesn't move fast enough out of the way of the other all hell just breaks loose. Then it's something aaaalllllll day long! So i've just come to the place where they each have to sit separate from each other and they can't even speak. I can't live like this- it breaks me. And they aren't allowed to see their friends until they get along. I don't care if they like each other but the fighting will stop. Pray for me, im not being a very good mom and i have no idea what the heck im even doing.
So citibank approved our loan modification. I know that's a miracle and believe me i once again stand in awe of the faithfulness of our God. But what should have been a time of joy was more a time of grieving. Iv been crying all day. It's just one MORE thing that he's removed from and I really can't explain it or why i feel it but it's one of those deep in the gut sorrows. And it sucks. And once again there's not a thing i can do about it and that pisses me off too. You have to just keep walking your way through. I have a picture of him that i took the day before he died and i was looking at it today thinking it couldn't possibly have been him. I still just can't believe it. I know I've said that 1000 times but i still just can't wrap my heart around it. I was thinking today about a night when he was first in the hospital and he was having something done to see the tumor and i was by his bed crying and I told him i was afraid and he took my hand and said " it's ok, lean on my strength." I miss him. I feel alone. I know Im not, but in a way I am. The sorrow is a little unbearable tonight. I know God will see me through but please pray for me.
Ps 69 Save me O God, I have come into deep waters and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying...answer me with Your saving truth...Answer me O Lord, for Your lovingkindness is good, according to the greatness of Your compassion turn to me...for I am in distress, answer me quickly...oh Lord, draw near to my soul...

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Grief is a strange thing. I get taken by surprise by some of the things that remind me of certain times. Isaiah my 7 yo told me the other night that he doesn't like going to a certain place that we go to every week because as soon as he walks in their backyard he thinks of his dad and get's sad. But when we go home he forgets and isn't sad anymore. The strange thing is that george never went to this place with us. And I found that really interesting that it made him think of him when we go there. Today i cleaned my house- the whole thing and even got my laundry put away! It was a small miracle, believe me! I used a special cleaner on the tile on my kitchen floor and some time later i walked on it and somehow just the feel of it under my feet brought me back to the day George put the tile in and I was just immediately brought back to that memory of him just from walking on my tile- which i've done countless times but something was different about it today. It's weird. But you know, that's how this goes. There's no rhyme or reason to it, just a trust that God is leading us all through. I decided not to go to cottonwood this weekend. Im not sure if they will be doing a message about dad's but Id rather not take the chance. Plus i didnt want the boys to feel uncomfortable in their classes if they were having the kids draw pictures for their dads. So I think tomorrow we will see what's playing at the dollar movie theatre and eat a bunch of junk food. Im praying the day passes sorta quickly for us and that whatever we decide to do we will be able to remember George with joy. I have to say as I was typing right now that Ben my 5yo came out of his bed and started to go into the kitchen to pee. That's not the first time he's done that and fortunately I've caught him and was able to redirect him in time. I should be hearing about if we'll be able to keep the house or not within this next week so please pray for us. Ill let you know what happens. And as of a few days ago i became totally credit card debt free. God is so faithful! And i have to just say, before george passed we had one credit left that we didnt owe on and it was in his name only. And i remember it was expiring october 31 and on that night ( which was 6 days before he died) I was laying in bed so tempted to go online and buy gift cards to target and the market because i didnt know what was going to happen to us and I thought we might need them. But I couldn't do it. I said to the Lord- if I do this, then Im saying that You wont provide for us. I just couldn't say that. And here i sit, hafting to declare His faithfulness because He has, is and I know will continue to take care of us. He has not changed. He is our Dad and He loves us and longs to be gracious to us. I have no words....just absolute thankfulness to Him!

Friday, June 18, 2010

My life has become insanely busy. I feel like im always on the go. Being a single parent is beyond difficult! I constantly feel like Im being pulled in 4 different directions and my full attention is always needed by all of them all of the time. There really is not a minute for yourself ( and i dont mean luxury time. I mean i cant even sit down to pay bills) until they're all tucked in bed but by then youre so exhausted you just want to crash. Even now as i type Simeon is fighting for a place on my lap. I cry probably atleast once a day. I carry the burden of feeling like im doing more damage to my children then good. I can never make them all happy. But i also dont believe it's my job to make them happy. Isaiah is yelling at me to come and get Simeon, which is yelled at me atleast 100 times a day and you know sometimes I just dont care. Im so tired of hearing my name called. I miss the life I use to have. I miss the routine of being home by a certain time for my husband. I miss being home every night and just even laying in bed with my husband eating ice cream and watching something stupid on tv. I hate trying to plan my days around sorrow. Even though George use to work long hours and i did alot by myself he was still a rock of support and encouragment by my side. I had him to share the craziness of my day with and now that's gone. And yes i have great friends but it's absolutely not the same. I have become extremely sensitive to other peoples marriages. With some i have envy with others i can see the disrespect for their husbands by the ever so subtle sarcastic remarks and put downs. I dont even know if they realize they're doing it- but their kids totally see it. I use to do it too. If youre a wife, I would encourage you to ask the Lord to show you if you do it.
Lately, I have been thinking about the days leading up to the death of Christ. Again what that must have felt like for our Father, knowing the horrific torture His son would willingly endure to settle our ransom with death and hell. I am reading the book of John to the boys and last night I read ch 18:4 " Jesus therefore, knowing ALL THE THINGS that were coming upon Him, went forth...WOW!! He knew exactly what was coming. That alone is almost beyond my understanding. Put yourself there and think about it for a moment. Sometimes I think we read scripture like it's just a story in a book- put life on for a minute and really think about it. Think about the faith that Jesus had in the Father- which believe it or not He did practice faith to do all He did on the cross, to go into hell and get the keys of hell and death, and then to be raised up on the third day- oh yah He had faith. In Hebrews ch 4: 14-16 God says" For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our wekanesses but one who WAS TEMPTED IN ALL THINGS AS WE ARE, yet without sin. He was obligated to become like us- with flesh and blood, walk the road we walk in order to become a faithful and merciful High Priest. The point im getting at is that there is nothing that we will face that Christ Himself hasnt faced-death, pain, being hungry, thirsty, unthankfulness of people, alone, lonely, tired, forsaken, falsly accused,discouraged, called names, beat up, spit upon, tempted to be unrighteously angry, His family thought He was crazy, people laughed at Him, called Him the devil, tempted to doubt the word of His father,every sickness and disease, cant even count how many times they tried to throw Him off a cliff in Luke, He's been sad, wanted Him only because He fed them food, plus He knew what was in the heart of people and still He did it all. Which brings me to what i wanted to get to. It says in matt 27: 51 And behold, the veil of the temple was torn from top to bottom... If you dont know, the veil of the temple was made up of a lot curtains, each specifically colored and it was 4 inches thick. It seperated the outer court and the Holy of Holies. It is the place where once a year the high priest would enter into and sprinkle the blood of the slain animal on the mercy seat for the forgivness of the sins of the people and Gods presence would come and fill that place behind the curtain but the curtain is there for the reminder thay we were seperated from His presence and could not go in there or you would have died. So i was thinking, i wonder if similar to how God knew what was going to happen in the garden, now our Father is waiting for the last drop of Christ's precious blood to fall, for Him to give up His last breath so He could rip down that veil- that constant reminder of our sin separating us from Himself- and welcome us with joy back into His presence. I have had this one scripture on my mind the last few days...Heb 4:16 Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Another translation says let us approach therefore with boldness to the throne of grace...I wonder sometimes when we read if we -or I- really understand the magnitude of what Im reading. Because of what Christ did, i have front row access to the throne of God. When we talk with Him in our living room, we really are standing in His presence before His throne. Isnt that what that says- we have access to His throne of grace? We may not physically see Him but the veil that separated us from Him was torn and we have free access into His presence- do we believe that? Or do we believe that it's just a one sided conversation and maybe He will answer us but probably not. Wasnt it Elisha who said: as the Lord lives in who's presence I stand. Well, he wasnt dead! But he had a constant awareness that wherever he was he was standing before God. I dont know about you, but i want to pretty much camp at His throne of grace, bow in His beautiful presence, and like the woman in the scripture Id like to wash His feet with my tears and dry them with my hair. I know we are all facing stuff. Just because i lost my husband that doesnt minimize what you may be going through. May I encourage you - draw near to His throne. And draw near to Him with confidence- confidence that He's going to answer you and help you in whatever you need. Get away, alone, and just sit in His presence. Whether you feel it or not, His word says we have access to there because of the blood of the One who left His glory in heaven to become like us, face everything we face, bought us back from sin and hell. He understands right where each one of us is and He is able to run to our aid. Not only that, He wants us to come to Him. Just like we love and want our children to come to us, everything our Father has done was to make the way for us to be able to be with Him again. Isaac, my 9 yo, has asked me probably 50 times now why Jesus had to die. He could have just made us obey or not had the fruit or done this or that... And my answer to him is always what greater love could God have shown toward us than to give the life of His own child- His own life. What greater act of love is there then that? Theres none.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

GRIEF SUCKS!!!! It really does. Unless you've been in it, you really have no idea how deep to the core of your inner most being it reaches. It's gut wrenching. I wrote once that it was like travailing in labor, but tonight it seems more adequate to compare it to having the stomach flu. And you just keep vomiting and vomiting and vomiting and after you've vomited 30 times and there's nothing left in your stomach but your stomach keeps wrenching it up- that's how i would describe grief tonight! Today sucked! I should really have learned to listen to myself by now. I got my period first thing this morning ( sorry if any guys read this) and was already pretty emotional so I should no better than to try to take on certain things. But, I did anyway because what else am I suppose to do? I have to handle things. So today I just came undone. For the first time ever i was driving and saying to the Lord- Im ready to come home. Even my love for my boys wasnt enough. This is a hard thing to hold on through. And you cant really even explain what happens, these feelings of deep anger and sorrow just about overtake you. Tonight was the promotion ceremony for school for my boys and I had to almost walk out because this sorrow just became overwhelming and i was pleading with my Father to help me because I just couldnt bear it then. Ofcourse seeing my husbands face in the slide show just broke my heart ( dont feel bad Julie- Im glad you put him in there ) Im starting to live in my mind where we were last year at this time. This is right before it all started. Last year he was with us. Simeon keeps saying all day long "dad's dead mom". My plate is just full and this is my life now and it -at this moment- sucks. I dont want to be here! And if you dont want to hear my pitty party you should stop reading now. Cause I dont want to here tonight. I just want to run away from it. And while i am so thankful for the people who love and help me, i hate needing their help. I hate having both his job now as well as mine and honestly i dont have enough in me to even do mine. The burden is weighing heavy tonight. Im going to go get into my half empty bed, get the stash of his shirts out and pretty much cry it out with me Dad. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Thank God He holds on to us...