Thursday, June 3, 2010
GRIEF SUCKS!!!! It really does. Unless you've been in it, you really have no idea how deep to the core of your inner most being it reaches. It's gut wrenching. I wrote once that it was like travailing in labor, but tonight it seems more adequate to compare it to having the stomach flu. And you just keep vomiting and vomiting and vomiting and after you've vomited 30 times and there's nothing left in your stomach but your stomach keeps wrenching it up- that's how i would describe grief tonight! Today sucked! I should really have learned to listen to myself by now. I got my period first thing this morning ( sorry if any guys read this) and was already pretty emotional so I should no better than to try to take on certain things. But, I did anyway because what else am I suppose to do? I have to handle things. So today I just came undone. For the first time ever i was driving and saying to the Lord- Im ready to come home. Even my love for my boys wasnt enough. This is a hard thing to hold on through. And you cant really even explain what happens, these feelings of deep anger and sorrow just about overtake you. Tonight was the promotion ceremony for school for my boys and I had to almost walk out because this sorrow just became overwhelming and i was pleading with my Father to help me because I just couldnt bear it then. Ofcourse seeing my husbands face in the slide show just broke my heart ( dont feel bad Julie- Im glad you put him in there ) Im starting to live in my mind where we were last year at this time. This is right before it all started. Last year he was with us. Simeon keeps saying all day long "dad's dead mom". My plate is just full and this is my life now and it -at this moment- sucks. I dont want to be here! And if you dont want to hear my pitty party you should stop reading now. Cause I dont want to here tonight. I just want to run away from it. And while i am so thankful for the people who love and help me, i hate needing their help. I hate having both his job now as well as mine and honestly i dont have enough in me to even do mine. The burden is weighing heavy tonight. Im going to go get into my half empty bed, get the stash of his shirts out and pretty much cry it out with me Dad. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Thank God He holds on to us...
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My sister whom I love with my whole heart,
ReplyDeleteDon't try to do it in your own strength. Just do it with God's strength, and He'll give you exactly the amount you need to do what you need to do. I am saying all of this to myself right now as well as to you. Parenting alone is so hard. I've screamed at God that I've had it, I'm done here, and I'm exhausted. And He has always replied, "Good. Now maybe you'll let Me handle it for awhile."
I Chron. 29:11-16
11 "Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and the earth; Yours is the dominion, O LORD, and You exalt Yourself as head over all.
12 "Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone.
13 "Now therefore, our God, we thank You, and praise Your glorious name.
14 "But who am I and who are my people that we should be able to offer as generously as this? For all things come from You, and from Your hand we have given You.
15 "For we are sojourners before You, and tenants, as all our fathers were; our days on the earth are like a shadow, and there is no hope.
16 "O LORD our God, all this abundance that we have provided to build You a house for Your holy name, it is from Your hand, and all is Yours."
But, Denise, you know all this already. I love you!
I understand. I hope today is a better day.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))