Iv'e been reliving for about a week now where we were last year at this time. The 4th of July is sort of a marker for when things started happening. George had just begun having stomach trouble but there was no pain or anything so he didn't think anything of it. It certainly never- ever- entered my mind that 4 months, 2 days, and a few hours down the road id being holding him while he died. I mentioned before how i feel so sensitive to the comments i hear wives make to or about their husbands now. I was sitting with some friends the other day and they were taIking about their husbands short comings, their lack of spiritual leadership, their lack of wanting to be doing things all the time, how they wished they were like this other man and one even said she had wished she would have married " a ( spiritual) man like that." I see it in most marriages- i did it too. I was unhappy with George a lot. Sometimes i look back and wonder if i was ever happy with him. I was angry or unhappy with something way more than I even want to admit to you. And honestly, it wasns't because he had done anything wrong. I think I was maybe just discontent and instead of finding my peace and fulfillment in the Lord he became an easy target for me to focus on as the problem for why I was unhappy. My answer to my friends was that i think we'd still be unhappy with them even if they were spiritual leaders because they probably wouldn't do it like we think they should. I feel like- sadly- that George and many other husbands feel like nothing they ever do is good enough. The subtle little comments are just little put downs disguised in some laughter. It's sad and what i really wanted to say to my friends and to anyone who reads this- just love them! Be thankful that you have them. You can't really realize how they are a covering for you until their gone- but they are. George may not have read the bible like I thought he should but he'd give his shirt of his back to someone and he would have laid down his life for me and the boys. Find your joy and contentment in our Father because you won't find it in your husband. Instead of pointing out their problems, LOVE THEM LIKE THEY ARE ALL YOU DESIRE THEM TO BE and maybe they'll rise up to that instead of shrinking down under the criticism. Marriage is suppose to be a picture of the great mystery of Christ and His Bride- us, the church. It's suppose to be a picture of unconditional, sacrificial love and forgiveness not based on the performance of the other. And ofcourse we all mess up. But the only way you can love like that is if you're finding the source of all your needs in God.
So like i said, the 4th of July is a marker for me and sadly we spent the day fighting. Actually I was fighting with him. (George rarely fought with me.) He didn't do anything wrong. I was struggling with something and instead of going to the Lord for my help, I made the problem about him and it wasn't. Im even sadder to admit I kept on about that stupid thing for days after. What a waste of time! Now don't get me wrong, Im not beating myself up. I have no regrets. In those last weeks believe me, i loved him. And what kind of spiritual leader he was at that point did not matter. But you may not get the opportunity I did. We need to humble ourselves more, they will respond to that. Get down on your knees and wash their feet and see the response you get. Have more sex with them- yes, I said it! Philipians 2 says Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. That's our example of how to love. That's what we should strive for.