Friday, December 25, 2009

cant think of a title tonight

I dont know that i have anything meaningful to say tonight, just how i feel. I thought i was prepared for this holiday but it did hit me harder that i expected and -even though i love my Savior- im glad its over! Its a good thing i have my boys or i would have forsure gone out and bought myself a bottle of tequila last night. I know that there is no help for me there but i just wanted to be numb and escape my life and thoughts for a while. Tonight i was standing outside and i just wanted to yell -my husband is dead! I feel like im dying inside, my whole life as i knew it is over! My friend, my love, the person who loved me with all my faults is gone. I have no idea where im going to live, whats going to happen to us, if im going to have to go to work, if im going to have to take my kids away from their friends and put them in public school. Im carrying the burden of doing 2 jobs - his and mine-on my shoulders and it totally sucks!!! Its unbearable! Lord, really??? This wasnt how it was suppose to be! Thats some of what iv been living with yesterday and today mixed with incredible sorrow and feeling like a failure of a mother. Im not looking for sympathy. I just want to be honest- as if i were writing in my private journal-because im sure these are normal thoughts and feelings people have when they are grieving. It's totally painful and all you can do is keep putting one foot infront of the other ( even though you dont ant to ) and try to remember to feed your kids :) which im told if you get that much done you are doing pretty good! I dont want to sound all fluff and bull on here incase anyone else hurting reads this. And while everything i said above is what this moment is like for me, i Know Jesus is walking this valley right beside me the whole way. I Know He is leading me through and eventually out.I Know that when the sorrow comes like a flood and i have to lay down and cry that He is laying right there beside me- because He said He will NEVER leave me. I Know that im one day closer to healing then yesterday - even if today was a harder day than yesterday. I Know that my Father in heaven understands my sorrow because His very own Son died on a cross for me and for you. And I Know that if He went to that great length for me than i know He will be faithful to carry us through this. So if anyone who reads this is hurting- hang on, hang on to Jesus and know He is hanging on to you. You will be ok!

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