Wednesday, September 29, 2010
today was one of may hardest days of last year. it was the day that someone very close to me told me the Lord said that my husband wasn't going to make it. I knew she knew something and hadn't been telling me and i finally got it out of her. The Lord had told her 7 months before he ever had any symptom. That night I dreamed George died in my arms- just like he did- and I woke up sobbing and the worst part was I couldn't chalk it up to a bad dream. It was just as bad as when he actually did die, it was horrible. It's strange that a year has almost past. What's even stranger is that I feel so blessed and thankful for my life. Yes. I am still sad and do cry alot but gratitude just seems to be my anthem right now. Im not even kidding when I say that everyday I wake up in bed with my boys I thank God for our home and making the way for us to stay in it. Im thankful for amazing family and friends, for God's grace and strength to have brought us this far. Im thankful I haven't had to work and I can be here for my boys when they have questions or just want to sit in my lap and tell me they miss their dad. Simeon asked to look at pictures of "his daddy" yesterday. There was one of George in the hospital and I asked Sim if he remembered him and he said yes and then he told me about the one time he went to the hospital to see George and how he had french fries, chicken nuggets and played with the buttons on the bed. That amazed me that he remembered that from almost a year ago. I pray he remembers him. I see more changes happening with the boys now, pray for them and for me that God would give me wisdom on how to help them. Ben likes to draw pictures of him, I should put some here. Tonight he hugged me and said" wouldn't it be great mom if dad didn't die and he could be with us!"Isaiah has the code word "zingo" to let me know he's missing his dad and Isaac was crying tonight but said it was on accident :) We definately have our rough times but thank God for His faithfulness! Im sorry I haven't written more here. I have lots of partial posts but time just seems to fly by. Plus time is precious to me and while I still lose it and my boys drive me crazy I want our life to be "together" if that makes sense. I want to be involved in their world and I want them to be part of mine and if that means I can't write as much- im sorry. One last thing I wanted t share. I remember when he was on morphine and his liver was failing and he would mostly sleep. I would have to wake him to get him to take some medications, it was quite a task to get him awake and keep him awake just to take 4 pills. But when he would awake, he would look into my eyes and smile at me in delight. It makes me smile just thinking about it right now. I actually have it on video when he was singing to me one time and he got distracted and then just stared at me for a few seconds to focus again and gave me that look that he delighted in me. It's really sweet and something i treasure. I miss him!