Saturday, April 24, 2010

Today was a strange day for me. i thought of george continually. One of my amazing sisters and her husband filled out the extreme makeover home show app for us and today they came over and shot the video to send in with it. So i had to sit and share our story with them via a video camera. And i went through all the details. Its strange to rethink about it now and to realize how far we've come and how faithful God is. I do miss him greatly! I try really hard not to think about the time in the hospital. I try not to think about the times i could hear him crying out to God and i would just get on my face outside wherever he was and just weep and pray for him. I hated thinking that he felt like God wasnt hearing or helping him. But he's not thinking about those things now so why should i? But sometimes i do and today i did while doing that video. Its so strange to me still to remember sitting at the table with all those teams of doctors and because of a bunch of different things there was nothing they could do for him- nothing! But they said it in such a clinical way that you just dont even understand that theyre telling you theres nothing they can do. And then when it finally settles that there IS NOTHING they can do to help and then they tell you you have just maybe 2 weeks to live! Its unbelievable! And may you never know. Its been almost 6 months and honestly i still cant believe that he's gone! We went to the park today. It was a park we had been to with George a few times. I kept having sorta flashbacks of the times we had been there before having picnics and playing. But i couldnt remember them clearly, and that bothered me. I was watching Simeon watching a little girl and her dad. The dad was standing at the bottom of the slide just playing with her and taking her picture and Simeon just stood there staring at them. Now, i doubt that he was thinking of it the way i was but still thats something he'll never have and i wondered what he was thinking. Tonight i was laying with him in bed and it dawned on me that he hasnt looked at georges pictures in a while and I dont even remember when he last said daddy.So i gave him a kiss on the head and told him that me and daddy loved him and he didnt respond like he use to. Has he forgotten already? How wrong is that Lord!!! And he will forget George nomatter how hard we try to keep his memory alive Simeon wont remember his dad. UH!!! Today was just one of those days that 200 sighs wasnt even enough and i just had this sad awareness of him not being part of me anymore. Life is so up in the air right now. And while I know in my heart my Father is taking care of us, I just miss him being by my side. I miss my team mate, my cheering section, the strong arms that would hold me when i was afraid or when life just sucked- because it just does sometimes! And i miss taking care of him. I miss being his wife. I miss having coffee with him in the morning and getting him big bowls of ice cream at night. I wish i would have been a better wife to him- although honestly i dont have any guilt or regrets- i just wish i would have have loved more. I miss him coming home every night and the boys hearing his truck and they would all hide and he would look for them. Isaac just said to me last night that he never got to tell dad where his hiding place was. It's strange to think that im here sometimes consumed with thoughts of him and he may not even think of us. We dont really know what it's like in heaven, what we remember and the word doesnt say much about it. I do remember on Isaiahs birthday, 4 days after george passed. I was in the bathroom and Isaiah came in and told me he heard his daddy's voice in the living room. I asked him what he said and he answered- he wished me a happy birthday. I do believe he heard him. So i dont know about all that. But what i do know is God is faithful. And as long as i live, till my very last breath i will make known His faithfulness and sing praise to His Name. Because no matter what we go through, He is able to give us peace in the midst of it, deliver us from it, restore and heal us and even work it for our good. Who is like Him? Tell me!
Romans 8:35-38 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?... But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,
nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Thats always been one of my favorite scriptures but i hadnt actually read it since George died and reading it! I love when a scripture takes on new life for me. It's true- nothing is more powerful than Him and there is nothing greater than Him that could ever come between His love and grip on us-Nothing! NOTHING!!! Amazing!


  1. Hi Denise,
    I'm Mrs. Lirette. I was being supported by Gleaning The Harvest for the last 2 years. After grieving and mourning for my husband for 2 years next month, The Lord has seen fit to send me someone who has put love and happiness back into my heart. I wanted to let you know that you and your babies will be prayed for on a daily basis by me from now on. Much Love and Blessings to you and yours.
    Mrs. Lirette

  2. H Mrs. Lirette. Im so happy to hear that. It gives me great encouragement! Our God is faithful! Blessings to you and your family! Are you on facebook? Id love to follow where He is taking your life now. Denise

  3. Denise you CAN find me on facebook, please add me as your friend.
    Josephine Lirette

  4. OK, when I reached this line, I started to bawl:

    "Isaac just said to me last night that he never got to tell dad where his hiding place was."

    That just tears me apart! Those things we never say, or mean to do but don't get around to don't get those times back! Once they're gone, they're gone forever! I am still weeping as I write this...

  5. Oh, and the part about Simeon not remembering his dad... I know how that feels, sort of. My (now) 6 year old, Joshua was not quite 2 when their dad left me. Even though he sees them (we have 3 together, the fourth is with my current husband) every weekend, Josh does not remember a time when his father lived with us; when we were a family. I came across a picture a few months back of he and I together when I was pregnant with our daughter (our firstborn, Sarah, who is now 8). Sarah and Josh saw the picture and had VERY different reactions. Sarah was sad (even though she loves my new husband very much), but Josh screwed up his face, and was confused, and finally said, "I don't like that." Josh doesn't know us as a family like that, and that makes me sad. I feel like he should know that he came from a family, and we DID love each other...

    I try not to dwell on it too much, b/c we are a very happy family now, but divorce is awful, any way you look at it. I am rambling now, so I'll quit.