soundboarding

This post may not make alot of sense or it may make some mad. Iv been struggling with a lot of thoughts- a lot of controversial thoughts. Im not looking to argue anything, convince anyone or be convinced, but really just trying to work through them out loud here. Im struggling with what people are thinking about my husbands death and about my Father. In reality, their probably really not thinking about it like I think but these are things that are on my mind. My husband believed whole heartedly that God was his healer- not doctors. His belief was grounded in the word and God had healed him of many things through his life. He had seen God do things similar to the things done in the scripture since he was a little boy. Anyone who knew us during the time of him being sick knew that he was putting his trust in his Father. and even though he went to the hospital, that was really because he just couldnt bare the pain anymore. His words to the hospice nurse were these- I have a Father in heaven who with a word created everything we see and until a man can tell me he can do that, I think im better off in His hands. My husband was not perfect ( none of us are ) and I was with my husband every second right up to the end and we had conversations about things that he believed led to the situation he was in. Now, i dont feel the need to mention those because i believe love covers those things and keeps them private. And i dont believe all sickness is the result of sin. The bible says trouble comes to us all. And i dont think we can ever really know about other people because its really between the person and God. But scripturally speaking, The word does say His people do die from a lack of knowledge, wisdom and Jesus also said that if the tree isnt bearing fruit it gets cut down. Sometimes i think people forget these things and most of the time I think God gets blamed for things that are not His doing. The bible says Jesus is the EXACT representation of the nature of the Father, John says Jesus has explained the Father to us and Jesus also said that He was doing the things the Father was doing and that if we have seen Him we have seen the Father. I dont see ANYWHERE in the scripture where jesus said it was not His will to heal. I dont see anywhere where He let someone die as the means of them getting healed. I dont see anywhere that He said someone was sick to learn something. Yes, we do grow as a result but He never made anyone sick or left them sick to learn something. I read that He went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed of the devil. I see that He saw the people sick and was moved with compassion to heal them. It hurts my heart that people - His children- say that He does these things. Things like- He doesnt heal, its His will for you to be sick, it may be His will that you walk outside and get hit by a car- its all in Gods hands. Well is it? We dont have any part in what happens to us? I think too many times we look at other people and base what we believe on what happens to others. Iv heard probably 100 times about some great person, preacher etc... who had some sickness and although he was good and worthy God didnt heal him and took him home. Well, Jesus said no one is good except the Father. And I wonder if we never looked at anyone else or their circumstance and ONLY looked at the word of God what would our belief about our Father be? And believe me, i dont claim to know everything but i like to believe i know a little about the nature of my Father and i dont see it. I see a Father who loves us more than the life of His Son. And i see a Son who for the joy set before Him trusted His Father and endured torture beyond what we could ever imagine to bring us back into reight standing and fellowship with the Father. I wouldnt give the life of my child for anyone and Jesus gave His for the worst of the worst. And i just dont see how after doing that unbelievably beautiful demonstartion of love and sacrifice how people believe He does these other things. I wouldnt do that to my child, would you? Why then would we think our Father would. As far as why things happen, I dont know. I dont know why children get sick or people get ripped away. I will be honest and say sometimes i think like the people in the wilderness we never come to know His ways. And i dont think we are taught to believe Him and fight for things. Like the woman who came to Jesus and her daughter was demon possesed in matt 15:22. She was crying out so loud the disciples were trying to send her away- alot of people would have left at that point. Jesus says to let her stay but then He ignores her request. How many of us would have left then? The He calls her a dog! Read it- He did! Im pretty sure that would have taken care of the rest of us. But she doesnt leave and it doesnt appear she was going to until she got what she came for. And she did and not only did her daughter get delivered but Jesus marveled at her great faith. She had pitbull tenacity that wasnt going to let go. Do we have that? Or do we quit before we get our promise. Do we give up because He doesnt answer us right away? Or do we stand firm. I may not understand all things and i know we only see through the glass dimly right now but i dont want to go down with out a fight- like my husband. I believe there are far more promises in God's word about having a long life filled with good than that of dying young and im gonna fight like hell for what i believe the bible promises to me. Right now, im amazed. I feel like 10,000 are falling at my side and 1000 at my right hand and im really amazed at the number of men- young men- that are passing over. It's not right! No one would will EVER be able to convince me that it was God's will that my husband at 45 pass over leaving me without a husband and my sons without their dad. and likewise no one will EVER convince me that this was the way God chose to heal him. Give me chapter and verse. I dont understand it all and thats probably one of the hardest parts of this trip. But i refuse to believe and say that his death was from my Fathers hand- my heart just cant believe that.