Saturday, April 10, 2010
I keep a stash of my husbands unwashed shirts behind my pillow on my bed. I also have some in the closet wrapped tightly in a trash bag to preserve the smell of him. Every so often i take them out and try to find a spot that still smells like him and when i do i tell Isaac to come smell them and he buries his sweet 9 yo face into the shirt and comes back out smiling. It's really sweet. We must do it often enough that now Simeon my 2yo has caught on. Tonight i had one of georges sweatshirts on and i told Sim it was daddy's shirt and he put his face into it and sniffed. It was a bitter sweet moment. I have a lot of those with Simeon- with all of them actually. I love that Simeon still seems to have some rememberance of his dad. He still loves to look at his pictures and always wants to sit and play his guitar. We were in walmart a few weeks ago and he saw a man infront of us with a shaved head who did slightly resemble George and Sim- with a question sound in his voice- said Dad? That was a heart breaker! Isaiah who is my very sensitive 7yo remembers when george made their fort in the back yard, singing and making cd's with George, going camping ( at a lodge--which is the only way to camp! ) Yet sometimes out of nowhere, he just curls up on my lap sorta sad and tells me he misses his dad. Today we went to out to where our homeschool group had gone camping and we werent even there 5 minutes and he came up to me and asked me if i missed daddy. Ofcourse my answer was yes! I later asked him what made him ask me that and he said there was a man there that looked a little like dad. Ben is just full of every question you can imagine from why did dad die? Can he come back if he wants to? does dad have friends in heaven? And also wondered if dad has hair in heaven. And probably atleast 5 times a day Ben will come cuddle up with me and tell me he misses his daddy and wished he didnt die. Isaac my 9 yo tries to be a tough guy. He is at that age where he thinks he the man with all the answers and tries to tell everyone what to do. He is not a hugger anymore and really was never affectionate with George but every once he lets me sneak in a cuddle or back scratch. He has the most memories and talks alot with the other boys about him. He talks about the trips to the dump- which for all of them was better than disneyland, he talks about how they all use to hide when he came home and he would go look for them, how crazy he use to drive. Fun stuff. The other night we were sitting on my bed and i just said to them wouldnt it be awesome if dad just walked in the door? Think of how excited Sim would be and they all said it would be great and i looked at Isaac and said -would you hug him? and without a second of hesitation he said " Oh ya I would! " I just cried and forsure wont be asking that question again! When George first went into the hospital i had him make a little video for each of the boys. I knew they would be too scared to go to the hospital so i had him make them a video and they made him one.I havent watched them for months but I asked them if they wanted to see them the other day and isaiah and ben did. Isaac didnt want to yet- which i can totally understand. Simeon i think is still too young to understand its a video and not really him so im waiting on him. I am so glad i have them. They are just maybe 15 seconds but he tells each one their awesome and that he loves them- which is enough. I wish i would have had him make me one. But i have letters and cards and other sweet memories of him. I miss him greatly and have been dreaming about him a lot. i dont like the dreams. Im either looking for him and and I know he is there but i cant ever seem to find him or he is with us but he's just not right- he's just not him. I wake up just feeling... empty. It's not easy, but God is faithful. He is being so tangibly real to me that sometimes i just want to burst. And im believing for big seemingly impossible things. He says He is my Father, Husband and Provider and Im believing He's going to make a way for me to remain at home, have a home, and continue to raise and home school my sons like we have been doing. I dont know how he will do it but i know that He can. And im also believing that my little guys wont be lacking anything by not having a dad. I believe that He'll hold their hearts, heal their hurts and walk them through this and show Himself a faithful Dad to them as well. Pray for us though. People tell me how strong i am but you dont see it all. It's really just me leaning on Him and Him carrying me. He is so amazing- how He cares for us. There is no one like Him.