I feel today like a well of sorrow is almost overcoming me. One of those days that I'd like to just climb into bed and cry to my Father. But I don't have time to cry, or to grieve. Can't it just go away already, it's been nearly 2 years???? I'm so tired of crying. And yet even as I sit here the tears stream my face... I ask Him again for the millionth time; How do I do this Lord? How do I do this alone? How do I provide for them? How do I take care of all of their needs? How do I do his job? How do I educate them? How do I grow their character? How do I love them and find joy in them when Im frustrated and overwhelmed and can't get one minute to myself? How do I pour You into their little hearts... How do I give Lord when I have nothing left??? I feel alone, exhausted, heavy burdened. Funny how you can feel alone but yet I know I'm so loved. And what about me Lord? Who will love me? A 40 yo mom of 4 little boys? Not an ideal date. And I know I'm so much more than that but will someone take time to see that? Is there a man with such courage or so crazy? Who will be able to look past our circumstances and have a heart for me? Someone who could love children that aren't theirs? And do I want to risk giving my heart to another? The risk of being hurt, them not loving you back... losing someone again ...Ugh! Is it even worth it??? I hate risk. I like security, the comfort of my husband who was growing old with me, stood firm by my side, loving during even the ugly times. I miss him. I wish I could say that life without him has gotten easier, but it really hasn't. It's different, harder even in some respects.

So this is just me venting my thoughts, my heart. I'm sure I'm not alone in them. It's been almost 2 years now and while life is generally good I can still feel the wound, always carrying with me the pocket of sorrow as one of my dear friends put it, still sometimes wishing for the time when he was and the pain was not...