Sunday, February 7, 2010
It has been a rough couple of days. im stuck in the unbelief that my husband is gone. Im angry, and i mean really angry! and that anger is wrapped in deep sorrow- like a pit. I looked up grieve in the dictionary and one of the best definitions is deep mental anguish. I would have to add physical anguish as well. It sucks to walk in my life right now. it sucks to go somewhere for the day and drive home to my life, to the sober reality of my empty house, to think no one is there to share things with yet all my friends have their husband and get to share with them. Dont get me wrong, i have my boys and i dearly love them but this is what lives inside of me, always lingering. It sucks and Its just wrong! Ben, my 5yo, asked me last night if daddy was ever coming back. Isaiah has been crying to me telling me he misses his dad and cries at night alone in his bed. You know honestly i said to the Lord this is "bleeped" up!!! But to Him i didnt bleep it. And you know, Im sure He didnt fall off His throne when He heard it- so dont any of you who read this. He hears our thoughts anyways. I just keep saying to myself- this cant be! It cant be! Really, Lord? I just want to scream!!!! im actually realizing that screaming in a controlled way helps. ( i dont mean yelling at the kids! ) so much is racing through my head. Things id rather not even give voice to; temptations and the lies whispered by the enemy. I know how to fight through this. Thank you for Your Word Lord. Ps 77 What God is Great like our God? You are the God who works Wonders.
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ReplyDeleteRage!
Day 65
Rage. Have you felt it? Screaming, wailing, intense, and coming up out of nowhere. It is defined in Webster's Dictionary as "violent and uncontrolled anger; a fit of violent wrath."
If you can relate to the above descriptions, you are experiencing an emotion common to the grieving process.
"I think the rage I had inside caused my high blood pressure, and I didn't know how to express my anger," says Annie after her father died.
Your anger does need to be expressed, but it must be done slowly and not impulsively. Impulsive anger deals with "personal rights" and "my plan," the kind of anger that shows you are still trying to remain in control. As God is "slow to anger," so are you encouraged to have this attribute.
"He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty. And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city" (Proverbs 16:32 NASB).
Impulsive anger can hurt others and cause new problems for you. But the dynamic of being "slow to anger" allows you to express your anger, to see the cause of it, and to deal with it.
Lord, give my rage a slow fuse and keep it from becoming a hungry, devouring flame. Amen.
Big Hug to my dear friend. I know it is hard... I have no idea how I did it. I do know that after 2 years I referred to that year as only a few months ago... just keep walking... just keep being in the Word. I know you can get through this...because we have too. That is really the only reason i kept telling myself. I have not choice but to keep going so that I can raise amazing boys! Love to you and the boys. barbie
ReplyDeleteOK, you made me cry again. I have not experienced the same loss as you, but my (ex)husband left me, and I see a lot of similarities in the emotions. And dealing with the questions and the heartache of our kids... It's not something I would wish on anyone...
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