Sunday, February 7, 2010
It has been a rough couple of days. im stuck in the unbelief that my husband is gone. Im angry, and i mean really angry! and that anger is wrapped in deep sorrow- like a pit. I looked up grieve in the dictionary and one of the best definitions is deep mental anguish. I would have to add physical anguish as well. It sucks to walk in my life right now. it sucks to go somewhere for the day and drive home to my life, to the sober reality of my empty house, to think no one is there to share things with yet all my friends have their husband and get to share with them. Dont get me wrong, i have my boys and i dearly love them but this is what lives inside of me, always lingering. It sucks and Its just wrong! Ben, my 5yo, asked me last night if daddy was ever coming back. Isaiah has been crying to me telling me he misses his dad and cries at night alone in his bed. You know honestly i said to the Lord this is "bleeped" up!!! But to Him i didnt bleep it. And you know, Im sure He didnt fall off His throne when He heard it- so dont any of you who read this. He hears our thoughts anyways. I just keep saying to myself- this cant be! It cant be! Really, Lord? I just want to scream!!!! im actually realizing that screaming in a controlled way helps. ( i dont mean yelling at the kids! ) so much is racing through my head. Things id rather not even give voice to; temptations and the lies whispered by the enemy. I know how to fight through this. Thank you for Your Word Lord. Ps 77 What God is Great like our God? You are the God who works Wonders.