Monday, March 8, 2010
I cant believe it's been a month since i posted here...the time seems to fly by and go really slow all at the same time! Started to clean out the garage today. I was going through years of paper work and other things and i found quite a few little treasures- letters that we had written each other and pictures of great times together. It was strange though because i found myself almost frantically searching for any piece of him, of us. anywhere i had just written " i love you " on i ripped off and put it in my pocket. It is so crazy to be going through years of life stuff that i shared with him, everything brought back memories. It's almost impossible to even think of throwing it away, and its only papers! Yet, it seems to erase our life away. Tonight has been rough. I think im going a long fine and then one little thing happens ( although looking back over the day i can see it was a build up of things ) and im over the edge. What was different about tonight though is that i couldnt find rest. I did my usual things that help me through these moments but tonight they didnt seem to work for me. As i was walking in circles in the backyard toiling inside I heard the Lord's sweet voice saying " Come to Me....and i will give you rest." But see, im of the nature that i like to power through my feelings, sweat em out somehow by cleaning, excercising etc...but i know coming to Him means a time of feeling the anger and feeling the sorrow to get to that rest and tonight i just dont want to! Its really about surrendering. Surrendering to the truth that my husband is dead. He will never be here with us again, he's not coming home, i will never hold him close, feel him , laugh with him, lean on him, be comforted by him ever again- ever! My boys....i wont even start down that road! And yes, we will see him again but thats really no comfort for the now. But I cant go there! I cant! I think to surrender to the magnitude of that would overtake me. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.... But, God is faithful, as He again just whispered to me! He is my Father, and if He says come to Him to find my rest, that's what im going to do because He will take care of me and like ive said before, im passing through this valley. Im not stopping and camping anywhere along the way. And if i avoid anything id just be pitching a tent here in the valley and id be there until i did. So, im going to go sit with my Father, the One who loves me more that I can even imagine, and rest safely in Him.