Monday, March 8, 2010

I cant believe it's been a month since i posted here...the time seems to fly by and go really slow all at the same time! Started to clean out the garage today. I was going through years of paper work and other things and i found quite a few little treasures- letters that we had written each other and pictures of great times together. It was strange though because i found myself almost frantically searching for any piece of him, of us. anywhere i had just written " i love you " on i ripped off and put it in my pocket. It is so crazy to be going through years of life stuff that i shared with him, everything brought back memories. It's almost impossible to even think of throwing it away, and its only papers! Yet, it seems to erase our life away. Tonight has been rough. I think im going a long fine and then one little thing happens ( although looking back over the day i can see it was a build up of things ) and im over the edge. What was different about tonight though is that i couldnt find rest. I did my usual things that help me through these moments but tonight they didnt seem to work for me. As i was walking in circles in the backyard toiling inside I heard the Lord's sweet voice saying " Come to Me....and i will give you rest." But see, im of the nature that i like to power through my feelings, sweat em out somehow by cleaning, excercising etc...but i know coming to Him means a time of feeling the anger and feeling the sorrow to get to that rest and tonight i just dont want to! Its really about surrendering. Surrendering to the truth that my husband is dead. He will never be here with us again, he's not coming home, i will never hold him close, feel him , laugh with him, lean on him, be comforted by him ever again- ever! My boys....i wont even start down that road! And yes, we will see him again but thats really no comfort for the now. But I cant go there! I cant! I think to surrender to the magnitude of that would overtake me. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.... But, God is faithful, as He again just whispered to me! He is my Father, and if He says come to Him to find my rest, that's what im going to do because He will take care of me and like ive said before, im passing through this valley. Im not stopping and camping anywhere along the way. And if i avoid anything id just be pitching a tent here in the valley and id be there until i did. So, im going to go sit with my Father, the One who loves me more that I can even imagine, and rest safely in Him.


  1. Just wanted you to know I am praying for you tonight. you dont know me but some how I found you on one of my yahoo groups might of been aboverubies. Dont know its been so long. I am praying a special pray for angels to surround you and left you up. when you are weak He says He is strong. I dont know what you are going thru I cant even imagine. The hardest thing I have had to go thru was loosing my dad 5 yrs ago. I still miss him, and 1 year ago loosing one of the best friends we had to colon cancer one day he was fine and the next he had stage 4 colon cancer what a shock. less 6 months he went to be with the Lord. It was at that time I had to face the biggest fear of my life loosing my husband. My husband is a smoker wonderful man loves the Lord but has not put the habit down the Lord ask him to last Jan and he still has not. But at this time when we had to go thru with Bryan God told me something I have to stick to and remember for my sanity. He said if something happens to Phillip your going to be ok I will take care of you.. you are my child and I will love you and will take care of you.. I had fear all over me for loosing my husband but today I am free with knowing whatever is on the other side of the page I can be ok with the Lord in the seat of my life.. Its hurts to even say it, but today for you this may not help the pain is real and I am so sorry I wish I could take your pain away for you I dont understand why GOd does what He does boy do I wish I did sometimes. But what I know we have to keep our eyes on Him He can handle our pain hurts and anger.. I encourage you to let Him know how you feel and what you need. I sit here and weep as I feel the pain you must be feeling and wonder what God is doing. Hold on to his words His ways are not our ways His thoughts are not our thoughts but His ways are perfect in Christ Jesus. As I write this I think of the pray I have in my heart that is causing me much pain and hurt and anger cause he hasnt answered it we want a baby we have been trying for 2 yrs 5 months and its hurts so bad.( we got reversal oct 07) thier is so many people who are not married or dont even want one but they are getting pregnant. I just dont understand. So you too are in a situation that is beyond our human comprehension we just dont understand but we must hold on to trusting something bigger than us who ways are perfect for all of eternity. I dont know you but I love you and I admire you, you are a very brave women and you are really doing a good job getting it all back together any one in this situation would be doing the same thing you are.. Its so good you can go cleave to your Father God who does know you and loves you so much.I will keep praying for peace sometimes that is the sweetest thing of all peace. God Bless PEACE BE STILL IN THE NAME OF JESUS.

  2. Ok, that was awesome!!!! Thank you so much for your encouraging words! I love what He said to you about if your husband passed how He would take care of you because that is exactly what He has done and is doing for us. Its amazing how He comes along side of you and comforts you in a way that it shelters you even from the pain and sorrow that your walking through. I am holding on to Him and on the days i cant, i know He is holding on to me. I see His fingerprints all over us. and i dont know all things either and i dont know if it would help if i did. what i do know is that our Father is faithful, just and loves me as much if not more than His own Son. So im going to trust Him to carry us through. Like Peter said to Jesus when He asked if they were going to leave Him too- to who would we go? for You have the words of eternal life and we have come to know that are the Son of God. And i know that He will continue to work this for good because i love Him and am called according to His purpose. Hang in there about the babies as well. i personally know quite a few people who were told they were unable to have children and one of them has 9 and she has never had a period! So keep looking at Him too, determining to love Him no matter what- which it sounds like youre doing :) thank you so much again for your sweet words- this is one of those God moment that just touches my heart- that He connected us. Where else can total strangers love and encourage each other! i will be praying for you my sweet sister- praying that that baby comes! Love, Denise