Sunday, March 21, 2010

Not sure what will come out tonight...

I have so many things i want to share but im never quite sure what direction im going to go. I feel like we have been battling one sickness after another here at home. We had chicken pox and strep throat a month ago and now we have vomiting, high fevers, yucky green eye infections and bad coughs. I woke this morning at 4:30 am to Ben throwing up. And you know, that even made me miss my husband. Not that he would have been any help. He cant handle the barf o rama's , he'd been throwing up too. But i miss just having him to talk to and laugh with about it and other life things. I went out to the korean spa the other night with my sweet sister and she brought up thanksgiving for some reason. Then about 2 minutes later she said " im sorry, did i just make you think of george and get sad by bringing up thanksgiving?" I said no, because it's not actually those times that make me really sad. What i miss is him not being here when i got home from the spa to share the crazy fun time we had. I miss just doing and sharing our life together. I miss how tonight we probably would have somehow laughed about the barf fest this morning and even though he wouldnt have been much physical help to me, his presence would have given me strength and he would have encouraged me and told me he thought i am amazing and he doesn't know how i do it. Well, part of how ive always done it is that he was always behind me, or by my side. Its unbelievable how two become one flesh, and you create this life together of memories and hopes for the future. And then one day- IT'S ALL GONE- ALL OF IT. Not only the person you love, but also the life you knew. And the crazy part is that everywhere i go i see memories of what was our life at one time, but isnt now. Even just places we liked to eat at together, where we have been dozens of time- not anymore, thats over now. Or i may see a trailer loaded up with quads and think we were going to do that with the boys down the road- that was going to be our life- but not now. And I know my Father is creating a new life for us now which is strange too because i feel like i live in two different worlds sometimes. The one world that still includes my husband, that still really just thinks he's away working and will be home eventually. Thats the world i want to hold on to and still live in but we cant because it doesnt really exist anymore. Then theres the new life God is amazingly and beautifully creating for us that im drawn to because of His love and comfort. I know and believe whole heartedly that He has stepped in as my Husband and Provider and still is my Father but now is also a Father to my sons. And you can be certain im ( lovingly ) holding Him to His word. It's just a trip....unreal still at almost 5 months. I can still see his big ol sweet smile. He was always smiling, and im sure he is now even more. I remember one of the last things he said to me. I was pretty much having a breakdown, it was maybe about 2 weeks before he died. He was on a high dose of morphine so he was pretty much alseep most of the time. But every once in a while he'd have an awake moment of clarity. So i was upset and he said " come here, and let me help you " He held me and i laid my face in his neck. He said " you have to remember Jesus. He is here to help us and you have to remember to include Him in to the situation, He 's here to help. Remember Him." Those were actually the last really coherent words he spoke to me. They were beautiful to me then and they are words of life to me now. I start our everyday doing just that- remembering and including Jesus in to our life for that day. He wants to be part of our everyday life. I feel so blessed that my husband loved me with those amazing words of encouragment- exactly what i would need to get us through now. I miss him greatly!


  1. I know your pain, friend. Writing out all your feelings is so important. Know that you are in my prayers.

  2. You know where your strength comes from-George only confirmed it!! HE IS YOUR EL SHADI-your suffcient one-all that you need!!

  3. I can really relate with this post, Denise. You've moved me to tears. While it wasn't helping with the kids (because we weren't blessed with that), it was all that other stuff we shared together. I, too, had a meltdown like that a few weeks before Michael passed. He got up (he was so weak) came into our bedroom to do everything he could to comfort me. I'm crying just remembering his tenderness with me. George gave you good guidance. He was so right.

    We will see them again. They have not forgotten us. ((hugs))