Wednesday, March 24, 2010

today i feel like im in my own private hell while the world and other peoples lives just keep going on around me. i feel prisoner to these emotions. i dont know if as a believer i am suppose to take these thoughts and feelings captive or if i am suppose to ride it out through them. im incredibly angry and i dont feel like i can do anything right. Im taking every complaint from my children to heart. I have no outlet that seems to be working and i definately cant be screaming like i was in the car or my kids would freak. although maybe i just should do it into my pillow verses taking it out on them. I dont know. And i cant really talk to anyone about it. Even though i know they care, i think it would overwhelm them and they wouldnt know what to say. I feel like i dont know what im doing or how to even be a mom to them. I feel this huge burden that im damaging them. there is only just one of me! I cant do it all. i just feel like i cant do this. i cant raise these boys alone. I cant physically or emotionally do it. I cant get anything done because everyone wants my attention or someone is fighting with someone somewhere and if i dont get there fast enough my wonderful oldest points out how im not taking care of it! Mind you, i was on the toilet when that happened this morning. And honestly i dont want to deal with them. I AM TIRED!!!!! im tired of dealing with stupid crap every 2 minutes about who touched who or someone is ignoring someone or he has my tiny little lego piece or whatever! Its rediculous! This is my every minute of everyday, all by myself life. I dont want it. I have nothing to give. I cant listen to another story about bionicles, power miners, or starwars- i cant! and this all may sound trivial to some but i just cant do it today. I need help! I need my husband! My world is just spinning right now and im way overwhelmed by too many things.

God never ceases to amaze me! As I was typing this I had an unexpected visit from this very sweet little old Christian couple that lives around the corner from us. Ofcourse being as emotional as i am today as soon as she looked me in the eyes and asked how i was doing i completely crumbled. She immediately dropped her bags she was holding and grabbed me and would not stop hugging me. even when i tried to let her go, she still held on to me. I just love that! I love how God provides exactly what you need from a least expected source. They stayed for a bit and i got to share some of the amazing things God has done for us ( which eventually id like to share on here too ) and you know, im feeling much better. I have to overcome the " i cant's " If this anger is part of the journey then I need the Lord to show me how to deal with it in a healthy way so im not so upset with my boys. But if it's not part of this journey then i need Him to help me get the victory over it. i have a picture in my mind about how i want our family to be, i just dont know how to get us there. Plus i think i have this expectation of my boys to suddenly become quiet, thankful, cheerful and perfectly obedient and im not sure if thats even possible? Also, i need to remember that they are going through this valley as well only with a lot less understanding and a part time crazy emotional mom. And even though they dont talk to me about it much, that doesnt mean its not affecting them. I know it has to be. Please, to whoever reads this, pray for us but especially for me- i need wisdom from the Holy Spirit every second of the day. I need His peace and strength and sometimes His hand over my mouth. I need to also keep in mind that i still have an enemy who would absolutely take advantage of my brokenness right now and try to destroy me and our family. I sure feel like i need alot! Good thing nothing is impossible for our Father, that He gives wisdom to all who ask with out measure, that His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness and love towards us is everlasting.


  1. Denise,

    I lift you up in prayers and will continue to pray for you! You are doing a wonderful job with what you're going through. One homeschool mom to another, I can assure you those feelings and thoughts are familiar.

    The verse that gets me through it all, and reminds me I'm not supposed to understand everything is Proverbs 3:5-6
    "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and He will make straight your paths."

    None of this makes sense to you right now, but rest assured that God has you in the shelter of His wings and is there with you and He always will be.

  2. Praise the Lord for your transparency! I love the "raw", "uncut" version of your prayer request. I am encouraged as I consider this verse in chaotic times, like your morning...

    In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. Romans 8:26, 27

    I love the word "groans". May you find comfort in knowing He knows the depth to which you hurt and struggle. He is with you, you are NOT alone (even when you feel like you are).

    I love you and am praying for you. Grace and peace be yours in abundance! Love, Amy

  3. Just reading this tonight Denise. I will be praying for wisdom and any other unasked requests, thank you for your honesty. I have not lost a husband, but I did lose a dad tragically. I went through various stages of sorrow and anger (thank you Lord for tinted windows, BTDT, LOL!)). You have expressed many of those emotions. My heart aches for you. Often when I am reading your entries, I picture myself in this situation, and I cry with you, ache with you. I just wish I could take it all away for you, and we have never met. I am lifting you up my dear sister in Christ. Big Hugs!

  4. I also know these feelings- the feelings of failure as a mother. It's so very hard...

    My prayers are with you.