Thursday, March 18, 2010

I learned last night that a good friend and home schooling mom of 9 has been diagnosed with colon cancer. It pretty much knocked the wind out of me. So many emotions rolled over me in literally just minutes. I think i cried at first for me, for my husband for the thought that this horrible oppression of the devil ( which IS exactly what this horrible disease is ) is so close to me again- so soon. I wept for my friend, her husband and their beautiful 9 children- 6 girls and 3 boys. Then came the feelings that i hate to even admit to you, but you know, i have to share my heart and sometimes what crosses our hearts isnt always pretty. Im not sure what the exact feelings were, maybe a little jealous and angry because it looks like it is removable by surgery ( although we should always pray and never take anything for granted ) and she will live and be fine and get to stay with her family. I found it hard- again, just being brutally honest- to pray for her at first. I had been literally on my face for weeks with tears crying out for my husband and he passed. I didnt want to pray and have her be ok while my husband was gone. And i know it really isnt even about her getting better but really, i just want my husband back. It brings up the questions in your heart; why this one Lord and not mine? And all the what if's which i have determined to never camp out on. I know that sounds really bad, but dont we all experience thoughts and feelings like that at some point in our life in one area or another? Some its with not having a baby yet but all of your friends are having them. It could be someone getting blessed with money or a gift that you have been praying for. Could be finding a husband or wife and your still single. Im sure it happens to us all. And i hope no one thinks im this terrible person because i do love this woman and ofcourse i want her treatment to be successful and i want her to live to see and enjoy her childrens children. But initially, those thoughts all went through my mind. But it didnt take but a word from the Lord to set me straight by saying " what would you want if it were you ?" I would want mercy, deliverance, people lifting me up to You Lord etc... ( exactly what people are doing for me everyday right now! ) Well then, He says, give and it will be given to you. Treat others like you want to be treated. Ofcourse now i am praying those things for her, for everyone that is and will be invloved in this with her. I wont lie to you though, there still is a part of my heart that is jealous but i wont let that take root and grow in my heart. And i definately wont let it keep me from loving her through this time. And im sure It's not the only time im going to have a feeling like that. But im so thankful for the quick correction of my Father and His help to guard my heart against those things. Please, please pray for her. Her name is Vanese. She meets with the surgeon on monday. Pray that....well, what would you want if it were you?


  1. I'm so sorry for your friend. Her family must be very worried about how this will impact their lives in the short term and long term.

    Your thoughts and feelings are normal. I will look at a middle-aged man or elderly man and think, why is he still here and Michael isn't? But I find it best to leave those thoughts at the foot of the Cross and move forward. There is no acceptable reason for the losses you and I have suffered, but knowing God's good nature we can be assured that we are within His love and care. I am expecting good things from my Heavenly Father, and as difficult as this all has been I hope I will look back on it in a few years from a place of contentment and blessing.

    Hang in there, friend. :)

  2. I understand and have had those same thoughts after losing my dad. He was so young and went so quickly. He was supposed to do so many things with my kids and teach them all the good stuff he taught me! This is such crap! My heart grieves more for what my kids are missing out on than it does for my own selfish desires for a hug and reassurance and just to hear, "You're doing fine. I'm proud of you." I want him back every day.

    Next month, it will be three years since he died, and I can't say that it is any easier. Cancer has stolen some of the people I have loved most in this world, and I've given up on finding any answers for why.

    I'm resting in the promise that one day we will see clearly. Right now we see and know and understand only part. But then we'll understand everything. That's my only peace. I'm not a patient person, so resting in this is a deliberate and daily thing, not always successful.

    I have always adored and been humbled by your honesty. God is using and working in you in more ways than you know. I can't wait to find out what He has in store...

  3. My heart grieves for my kids as well. " Im resting in the promise that one day we will see clearly...deliberate and daily." I love that!! And i may borrow that down the road. It was great to see you Becca. I love you tons! Denise