Monday, March 15, 2010

one of my hardest days yet...

i love to get up early before all the kids, make a hot cup of vanilla chai tea and sit with the Lord. Its like i get to sneak away with Him- my Love- before my world starts going. Thats what i did this morning. And my relationship has taken on a new way where instead of feeling like i have to or should read my bible and sit with Him. I now look forward to my time with my Savior-my source of life. I wanted to make sure that i shared on here about the day i had on saturday. It was by far one of the most painful days yet and i feel the need to write about it because im certain someone else will find themselves there as well. I want to just first say how incredibly thankful i am for the women God has brought into my life who have walked this road before me and are now a few years down the way. I love that i can call or email them and say hey, this is how im feeling, is this normal? and they will tell me yes and encourage me to keep going. Saturday was a doosey though! Number one rule- i think- in grieving should be if you wake up feeling emotional, you should just take it easy and not try to do really anything. Its not a day to try to train your child or argue over getting school done. Some people may not agree with that but usually their not the ones who have been in my shoes. The fruit of skipping school or letting my kids slide in behavior is not going to be nearly as bad as mom freaking out, crying, yelling, screaming and saying things she would never be able to take back. Just my opinion. So sunday started off emotional. I could physically feel angry sorrowful pain in the pit of my stomach. It was followed by just life stuff: kids fighting because someone is touching someone or looking at someone or singing a song that just bugs the other one. You know, those really big important things! :) But man, that wears me out! That was followed by my sweet little Ben knocking over my full cup of coffee onto my computer keyboard, my little dsl box was swimming, it was all over my computer. So that sent me out to the garage where i just sat and cried out to my Father. I think it was 9 am by now. So the morning carried on with just life that i just wasnt up to handling. The unthankfulness of my kids as they ordered out for their breakfast, only to not like what they got. Simeon walking behind me dumping out everything i just picked up. You know, just regular stuff that on other days i could handle, correct and deal with but that day i took it all to heart as nothing i do is ever right or good enough, im ruining my kids etc... then i was getting ready to go to a friends birthday get together and my hair dryer started making some crazy sound and really smoking and then poof, it died. Do i even need to explain that one?! So needless to say, i was not sad at all about leaving my kids for a few hours. so im on the freeway driving to her house and this song comes on about being in a flood and will He let me drown and about being consumed by His fire and wanting something beautiful to touch us. And you know, i could feel that pain inside of me and i just had it out with my God. I was crying, screaming- really shouldnt have been driving but where else could you do something like that? The only way i can really explain it was that it reminded me of labor. with each contraction your body naturally takes over as you dont really yell but you make that sound that comes from deep inside. Thats what it was like. and it pretty much sucked! and i didnt feel happy afterward either. i felt somber ( and i dont even really know what that word means :) drained like i had just been through one of Dr Phils emotional therapy groups. This was definately the day ive wanted to drink the most, smoke, find a guy ( just being honest and im sure im not the only one) really just try to deliver myself from the pain. and ofcourse i didnt do that because i know its a lie that doing those things would deliver me or even ease my pain. I know that healing comes by walking through to the end valley with my Father along side. Ive started to think though that the valley is alot longer that i initially thought. But thats ok, because my Father is with me -come what may- and nothing can take me out of His hand. I pray someone some day see's this and is encouraged by it even if it just helps them to not feel alone. God is faithful and now it is monday morning and im ok. that pain is passed- thank God! Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragment. there are no words to express how much it means to me. :)


  1. Oh, Denise. You are so honest about your journey. I wish I had words to encourage you, but I'm not there yet. Just know that I care. ((hugs))

  2. I'm so glad I got a chance to visit with you over the weekend. Your version of this story when you told me in person wasn't nearly as great as the way you wrote it here! I am so with you on the screaming in the car thing. Probably totally dangerous, but it feels soooo good.

    What's amazing to me is that feelings/emotions are so exhausting, but really, they are so temporary. At the time, they consume us. It feels like they won't ever pass or even subside a little. But as the days roll by, they change. And new feelings come in.

    But that doesn't mean the old feelings don't come back. Because they do! And sometimes stronger! And sometimes at moments we don't even expect! And that's the really freaky part.

    And that's why we remember that we have to rely on what we know, not what we feel. Because what we know--His Word, the TRUTH--is unchanging, the ROCK. And what we feel is shifting sand.

    You have a great Rock, so ride those waves of feeling and incredible emotion all you want and all you need to. I know where you're anchored. And He's not letting you go anywhere. You've got a normal human heart, but your source and strength are greater--coming from the One who created you to think and feel and be the wonderful honest ambassador of faith who encourages us all... even in the weak and broken moments.

    I love you so much, my sister.

  3. I definitely can relate to that, wanting to numb the pain. I felt the same when my husband left us. I'm not happy to say that I gave in to some of those temptations, but we have a loving and merciful God, Who got me back on track.