Just missing him....

I hate trying to title things :)

I have had 2 dreams about my husband since he passed. the first one was that he was alive but dying again. The second one was a few days ago. My son isaac and i were in the living room and we saw his truck pull in like he had done for years. I was in the kitchen and he walked in, grabbed me by my arm and pulled me to him. we were hugging and knew we hadnt seen each other in a long time. we wanted to go make love just so we could be as close to each other as physically possible. But we couldnt because isaac was still awake. Strangely, i think the second dream was more painful than the first. I think the hardest thing about being in emotional pain is that there is no escape from it. I cant drink it away or drug it away, or stuff it away. I cant even pray it away. you have to just walk through it and heal slowly over i guess a certain period of time. although no one can tell you how much time it will take, I can tell you it feels like forever and for me its only been 2 months. and here i sit again Lord- broken. Still not able to believe that this is now my life. And im so tired of feeling this way. Im so tired of crying, of being angry, of feeling different everywhere i go. I feel like i should be getting over this already but i cant! I dont have a choice about it and that really bothers me to! i cant speed it up or control it at all. i still just want to scream and yell and even say some words that i shouldnt but you know sometimes those words are the only ones that really express what youre feeling. Its not just that he's gone but that part of the oneness that we become when we're married has been ripped away from my spirit and my heart and i just cant explain the depth of that loss. I cant even imagine what the boys are feeling or even his mom. But i also have never been more thankful for our Father, that He is all powerful, and for His plan of salvation and doing away with death. And on top of that He gave us the Holy Spirit to be our Comforter! I know this wasnt what He wanted for us. But He still put in place everything we need to get through it. I am so looking forward to His return to take us home where we will be with Him forever. where He will wipe away every tear forever! Come soon Lord!
Jeremiah 31:3-4 ( I just opened my bible right to this verse ) The Lord appeared to me from afar, saying, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt.

Sigh...

Ok, this is pretty hard and really it feels impossible to survive through losing him- never mind actually "living". I hope i dont portray to anyone who reads this that this valley that im walking through is easy for me or that im even really that strong- because im not. My dad has been staying with us and i do love him and appreciate his help but it also puts a burden on me at times to hold it all together. You cant just curl up in a ball on the floor crying infront of your dad. well, i guess i could, but really i like to keep those moments private between me and my heavenly Father. Today i just couldnt hold it anymore. im selling quite a few things that were my husbands. and while everyone keeps telling me ( and i know they mean well ) that they're just "things" theyre still his things that are bits and pieces of him and slowly he is disappearing from before my eyes. i know i hold him in my heart but still... and ofcourse simeon cried pretty much all day. he kept wanting to go sit in his dads car and just kept calling for his dad. it's gut wrenching to say the least and just plain wrong! it's wrong that a child has to lose their parents and its wrong that every single day i have to say to my 2 yo that im sorry daddy's not here anymore. and its also wrong for parents to lose their children. it's all wrong! And death just sucks! so all of that just led me out infront of my house where i just sat on the little rock wall and curled up in a ball and wept. i live on a pretty busy street right infront of a stop sign and i could hear the cars stop and then go by and i wondered if people saw me. i wondered if they could tell i was crying. i wondered if anyone thought of checking to see if i was ok or if anyone prayed for me. then i wondered what i would do if i saw someone hurting, crying. would i move past the awkwardness of approaching a stranger for the opportunity to love them and help ease their burden? honestly before this i probably wouldnt have. i would have just quietly prayed for them- and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all! but wouldnt it be even better to hold them and pray with them. i am so much more interested in people now. and i look for an opportunity to ask people how they are. its amazing what people will pour out of their heart to you, if we just take some time to listen. i mean, isnt that why we are here? to love God first and then to love others. i think sometimes that we get too wrapped up in the things of this world. granted, some of them are valid but everything that isnt faith is just going to burn. i think we need to remember more that this world is not our home ( thank God!) and that we are just passing through. those last few days before george went home to heaven i didnt care if my house was clean. schooling the kids was pretty low on my priority list. i just wanted to love him and encourage him. and not that its not important to do those other things but i guess when you come face to face with the absolute truth that death is REAL and God is not actually so far away that you realize it is our choices regarding eternity that REALLY matter. the things that wont burn the treasures that we store up in heaven that im sure we end up laying at the feet of our beautiful Savior because He Alone is Worthy!

Striving...

Im striving tonight and i hate it. You can always tell when you are striving because your mind spins and you have no rest. I think its the "not knowing" of things thats the hardest. Or really maybe its the wanting of something so bad and being afraid that its not what God wants. Yep, thats it! And yet He tells us He wont with hold any good thing from us. Why cant i just give Him my burden? Its strange...do we think by not giving Him our burdens, concerns and desires that somehow by not surrendering it we have control of it? Does that make sense? For example, i want more than anything ( except for having my husband back ) to stay in our home. It is a refuge for me of memories and security and love. And there's a part of me that doesnt want to give this want up to the Lord because im afraid He would move us somewhere else. So if i hold onto it as tight as i can He wont be able to do He wants. Isnt that quite a deception on my part? I mean really, He is God Almighty, I cant stop Him. And why cant my heart rest in Him that He is my Dad and He knows whats best for us. He wouldnt move us from here to purposely hurt me, but im sure to give us something even better. Its kinda sad actually because it shows my lack of trust in His love for me. But even at that, im going to keep staying as close to Him as humanly possible and trust His Spirit to work out those things in my heart. I miss my husband. Its so strange all the different emotions im going through. God is being so faithful and doing so many wonderful things that my heart is joyful. But on the flip side, i wish i could share them with my best friend. I wish i could rest my head in his neck and just love him and rejoice together in God's faithfulness.
Psalm 46:10 (i combined a couple of different translations )
Cease striving, let go of your concerns, be at peace in the knowledge that I Am God!

This is my family: my husband George, he went home to heaven nov 6, 09. Those other rascals are my boys: Isaac 9, Isaiah 7, Benjamin 4, and Simeon is 2. This was taken just 9 months ago! loving and missing him!

can't sleep tonight...

couldnt sleep tonight so i thought id eat some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and do some writing...someone asked me today- how am i doing this. How am i making it through each minute of each day? You know, honestly, i dont know! I believe it's the beautiful grace of God that carries us in these heavy times. I also believe He sets the boundaries even for grief and sorrow so that we arent overtaken by it. I just know and have known it from the beginning of this that He is holding me in one hand and covering me with His other hand and even though im in a huge raging storm im safe and hidden near to Him. Our Father is faithful is all i can really say. And i am relying on Him every minute of every day right now and He is realer to me than iv ever known before and for that i am so thankful. Jesus promised to never leave us and even if He tried to leave me right now im holding on to Him with a death grip and He wouldnt be able to leave if He tried! :) That doesnt mean that i dont freak out sometimes and hide under my covers crying and missing my man- because i do! Last night i was even considering getting his ashes from my mom and trying to raise him from the dead! Ofcourse my heart and the hearts of my boys are broken. My 2yo daily calls out dadee over and over wanting to look at his pictures and daily i wonder if i can do this without him--God knows I dont want to and im still mad sometimes that im going to have to. But God is our anchor and our hope- isnt He? Isnt that why we read and study His word and develop our relationship with Him so that when disaster comes ( and trouble of some form comes to us all ) we know we can run to Him- our Refuge- and trust Him to take care of us- even when we may not understand all things. I do miss him though. I miss his smile and hearing him laugh mostly and i miss his strength and his strong arms around me. I miss when he would get home everyday and the kids would hear his truck and get excited and run to greet him. I miss having coffee with him in the morning. i miss taking care of him. Believe it or not, i even miss his snoring. Death is painful and sorrowful! But praise God that He had a plan to overcome death and to one day due away with it completely. What a glorious day that will be! well, im going to go climb in bed with all my little guys and get some sleep. just wanted to add...this morning a sweet sister of mine sent me a text saying how we Can have joy during our darkest time because the comfort we receive from our Father IS GREATER than our pain and our sorrow--thats exactly how i feel ( just couldnt put it into words) and how im walking through this time.

will i ever be happy again?

Will I ever be happy again? Seriously, will I? I feel like im in an ocean of sorrow and i cant see land. Oh, I love the Lord! Even as i just wrote that last sentence, i had this vision run across my eyes of Jesus appearing in a boat in the middle of the ocean and asking me to get in with Him and I did and now amazingly- I am smiling. Romans 15: 13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit! Take Courage, Our Father IS Faithful!!