Saturday, January 16, 2010

I hate trying to title things :)

I have had 2 dreams about my husband since he passed. the first one was that he was alive but dying again. The second one was a few days ago. My son isaac and i were in the living room and we saw his truck pull in like he had done for years. I was in the kitchen and he walked in, grabbed me by my arm and pulled me to him. we were hugging and knew we hadnt seen each other in a long time. we wanted to go make love just so we could be as close to each other as physically possible. But we couldnt because isaac was still awake. Strangely, i think the second dream was more painful than the first. I think the hardest thing about being in emotional pain is that there is no escape from it. I cant drink it away or drug it away, or stuff it away. I cant even pray it away. you have to just walk through it and heal slowly over i guess a certain period of time. although no one can tell you how much time it will take, I can tell you it feels like forever and for me its only been 2 months. and here i sit again Lord- broken. Still not able to believe that this is now my life. And im so tired of feeling this way. Im so tired of crying, of being angry, of feeling different everywhere i go. I feel like i should be getting over this already but i cant! I dont have a choice about it and that really bothers me to! i cant speed it up or control it at all. i still just want to scream and yell and even say some words that i shouldnt but you know sometimes those words are the only ones that really express what youre feeling. Its not just that he's gone but that part of the oneness that we become when we're married has been ripped away from my spirit and my heart and i just cant explain the depth of that loss. I cant even imagine what the boys are feeling or even his mom. But i also have never been more thankful for our Father, that He is all powerful, and for His plan of salvation and doing away with death. And on top of that He gave us the Holy Spirit to be our Comforter! I know this wasnt what He wanted for us. But He still put in place everything we need to get through it. I am so looking forward to His return to take us home where we will be with Him forever. where He will wipe away every tear forever! Come soon Lord!
Jeremiah 31:3-4 ( I just opened my bible right to this verse ) The Lord appeared to me from afar, saying, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. Again I will build you, and you shall be rebuilt.

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