Sigh...

Ok, this is pretty hard and really it feels impossible to survive through losing him- never mind actually "living". I hope i dont portray to anyone who reads this that this valley that im walking through is easy for me or that im even really that strong- because im not. My dad has been staying with us and i do love him and appreciate his help but it also puts a burden on me at times to hold it all together. You cant just curl up in a ball on the floor crying infront of your dad. well, i guess i could, but really i like to keep those moments private between me and my heavenly Father. Today i just couldnt hold it anymore. im selling quite a few things that were my husbands. and while everyone keeps telling me ( and i know they mean well ) that they're just "things" theyre still his things that are bits and pieces of him and slowly he is disappearing from before my eyes. i know i hold him in my heart but still... and ofcourse simeon cried pretty much all day. he kept wanting to go sit in his dads car and just kept calling for his dad. it's gut wrenching to say the least and just plain wrong! it's wrong that a child has to lose their parents and its wrong that every single day i have to say to my 2 yo that im sorry daddy's not here anymore. and its also wrong for parents to lose their children. it's all wrong! And death just sucks! so all of that just led me out infront of my house where i just sat on the little rock wall and curled up in a ball and wept. i live on a pretty busy street right infront of a stop sign and i could hear the cars stop and then go by and i wondered if people saw me. i wondered if they could tell i was crying. i wondered if anyone thought of checking to see if i was ok or if anyone prayed for me. then i wondered what i would do if i saw someone hurting, crying. would i move past the awkwardness of approaching a stranger for the opportunity to love them and help ease their burden? honestly before this i probably wouldnt have. i would have just quietly prayed for them- and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all! but wouldnt it be even better to hold them and pray with them. i am so much more interested in people now. and i look for an opportunity to ask people how they are. its amazing what people will pour out of their heart to you, if we just take some time to listen. i mean, isnt that why we are here? to love God first and then to love others. i think sometimes that we get too wrapped up in the things of this world. granted, some of them are valid but everything that isnt faith is just going to burn. i think we need to remember more that this world is not our home ( thank God!) and that we are just passing through. those last few days before george went home to heaven i didnt care if my house was clean. schooling the kids was pretty low on my priority list. i just wanted to love him and encourage him. and not that its not important to do those other things but i guess when you come face to face with the absolute truth that death is REAL and God is not actually so far away that you realize it is our choices regarding eternity that REALLY matter. the things that wont burn the treasures that we store up in heaven that im sure we end up laying at the feet of our beautiful Savior because He Alone is Worthy!