Tuesday, January 5, 2010

can't sleep tonight...

couldnt sleep tonight so i thought id eat some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and do some writing...someone asked me today- how am i doing this. How am i making it through each minute of each day? You know, honestly, i dont know! I believe it's the beautiful grace of God that carries us in these heavy times. I also believe He sets the boundaries even for grief and sorrow so that we arent overtaken by it. I just know and have known it from the beginning of this that He is holding me in one hand and covering me with His other hand and even though im in a huge raging storm im safe and hidden near to Him. Our Father is faithful is all i can really say. And i am relying on Him every minute of every day right now and He is realer to me than iv ever known before and for that i am so thankful. Jesus promised to never leave us and even if He tried to leave me right now im holding on to Him with a death grip and He wouldnt be able to leave if He tried! :) That doesnt mean that i dont freak out sometimes and hide under my covers crying and missing my man- because i do! Last night i was even considering getting his ashes from my mom and trying to raise him from the dead! Ofcourse my heart and the hearts of my boys are broken. My 2yo daily calls out dadee over and over wanting to look at his pictures and daily i wonder if i can do this without him--God knows I dont want to and im still mad sometimes that im going to have to. But God is our anchor and our hope- isnt He? Isnt that why we read and study His word and develop our relationship with Him so that when disaster comes ( and trouble of some form comes to us all ) we know we can run to Him- our Refuge- and trust Him to take care of us- even when we may not understand all things. I do miss him though. I miss his smile and hearing him laugh mostly and i miss his strength and his strong arms around me. I miss when he would get home everyday and the kids would hear his truck and get excited and run to greet him. I miss having coffee with him in the morning. i miss taking care of him. Believe it or not, i even miss his snoring. Death is painful and sorrowful! But praise God that He had a plan to overcome death and to one day due away with it completely. What a glorious day that will be! well, im going to go climb in bed with all my little guys and get some sleep. just wanted to add...this morning a sweet sister of mine sent me a text saying how we Can have joy during our darkest time because the comfort we receive from our Father IS GREATER than our pain and our sorrow--thats exactly how i feel ( just couldnt put it into words) and how im walking through this time.

1 comment:

  1. Hi there. A friend of mine forwarded me your blog and though we might have something in common. I lost my husband 3 years ago and also have four kids! I would love to get together and chat - believe me it helps! I'm not one for support groups but having someone who has been where I am (and isn't over 60) really helps! Here is my email: rojasfamily@cox.net.

    I am praying for your and your boys!
    ~Shannon Rojas

    Here is the link to my first post: