It's NOT a good day today! It should be, but it isn't. I just got through smashing one of my boys toys on the floor over and over and over again. So now he's laying in his bed crying but you know im tired of them fighting over some stupid broken 7.00 toy that they only care about because their brother has it. I don't think i had 2 minutes today that they weren't fighting. I wake up to them bickering. If one doesn't move fast enough out of the way of the other all hell just breaks loose. Then it's something aaaalllllll day long! So i've just come to the place where they each have to sit separate from each other and they can't even speak. I can't live like this- it breaks me. And they aren't allowed to see their friends until they get along. I don't care if they like each other but the fighting will stop. Pray for me, im not being a very good mom and i have no idea what the heck im even doing.
So citibank approved our loan modification. I know that's a miracle and believe me i once again stand in awe of the faithfulness of our God. But what should have been a time of joy was more a time of grieving. Iv been crying all day. It's just one MORE thing that he's removed from and I really can't explain it or why i feel it but it's one of those deep in the gut sorrows. And it sucks. And once again there's not a thing i can do about it and that pisses me off too. You have to just keep walking your way through. I have a picture of him that i took the day before he died and i was looking at it today thinking it couldn't possibly have been him. I still just can't believe it. I know I've said that 1000 times but i still just can't wrap my heart around it. I was thinking today about a night when he was first in the hospital and he was having something done to see the tumor and i was by his bed crying and I told him i was afraid and he took my hand and said " it's ok, lean on my strength." I miss him. I feel alone. I know Im not, but in a way I am. The sorrow is a little unbearable tonight. I know God will see me through but please pray for me.
Ps 69 Save me O God, I have come into deep waters and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying...answer me with Your saving truth...Answer me O Lord, for Your lovingkindness is good, according to the greatness of Your compassion turn to me...for I am in distress, answer me quickly...oh Lord, draw near to my soul...
Couple of night's ago I think everything got to me. Went to bed that night sorry to the Lord that I hadn't been relying on His strength. That day I had sent in a prayer request to our church for my friends, family and coworkers. I went to bed dead tired and a bit overwhelmed. But I felt good about letting go and believing in Him. That night was rough. I slept. I dreamed. And in my dreams I cried and grieved. But I would wake up and realize I had real tears running down my cheeks. That morning I realized how totally spent I was but how thoroughly peaceful I felt. I soon realized that Jesus had answered my prayers. That very day my young friend coworker came to work with the biggest smile on his face. His mom was cancer free. The next day my wife's cousin texted that her mom was cancer free. The next day your loan was approved. I know he will answer our prayers in getting you through this.
ReplyDeleteOh, Denise. I'm sorry you and the boys are having a hard time. Your stress and sadness really come through in your words. I hope today will be a better day. ((HUGS))
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