One of my favorite songs and it speaks of where my heart is right now

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

I learned last night that a good friend and home schooling mom of 9 has been diagnosed with colon cancer. It pretty much knocked the wind out of me. So many emotions rolled over me in literally just minutes. I think i cried at first for me, for my husband for the thought that this horrible oppression of the devil ( which IS exactly what this horrible disease is ) is so close to me again- so soon. I wept for my friend, her husband and their beautiful 9 children- 6 girls and 3 boys. Then came the feelings that i hate to even admit to you, but you know, i have to share my heart and sometimes what crosses our hearts isnt always pretty. Im not sure what the exact feelings were, maybe a little jealous and angry because it looks like it is removable by surgery ( although we should always pray and never take anything for granted ) and she will live and be fine and get to stay with her family. I found it hard- again, just being brutally honest- to pray for her at first. I had been literally on my face for weeks with tears crying out for my husband and he passed. I didnt want to pray and have her be ok while my husband was gone. And i know it really isnt even about her getting better but really, i just want my husband back. It brings up the questions in your heart; why this one Lord and not mine? And all the what if's which i have determined to never camp out on. I know that sounds really bad, but dont we all experience thoughts and feelings like that at some point in our life in one area or another? Some its with not having a baby yet but all of your friends are having them. It could be someone getting blessed with money or a gift that you have been praying for. Could be finding a husband or wife and your still single. Im sure it happens to us all. And i hope no one thinks im this terrible person because i do love this woman and ofcourse i want her treatment to be successful and i want her to live to see and enjoy her childrens children. But initially, those thoughts all went through my mind. But it didnt take but a word from the Lord to set me straight by saying " what would you want if it were you ?" I would want mercy, deliverance, people lifting me up to You Lord etc... ( exactly what people are doing for me everyday right now! ) Well then, He says, give and it will be given to you. Treat others like you want to be treated. Ofcourse now i am praying those things for her, for everyone that is and will be invloved in this with her. I wont lie to you though, there still is a part of my heart that is jealous but i wont let that take root and grow in my heart. And i definately wont let it keep me from loving her through this time. And im sure It's not the only time im going to have a feeling like that. But im so thankful for the quick correction of my Father and His help to guard my heart against those things. Please, please pray for her. Her name is Vanese. She meets with the surgeon on monday. Pray that....well, what would you want if it were you?

one of my hardest days yet...

i love to get up early before all the kids, make a hot cup of vanilla chai tea and sit with the Lord. Its like i get to sneak away with Him- my Love- before my world starts going. Thats what i did this morning. And my relationship has taken on a new way where instead of feeling like i have to or should read my bible and sit with Him. I now look forward to my time with my Savior-my source of life. I wanted to make sure that i shared on here about the day i had on saturday. It was by far one of the most painful days yet and i feel the need to write about it because im certain someone else will find themselves there as well. I want to just first say how incredibly thankful i am for the women God has brought into my life who have walked this road before me and are now a few years down the way. I love that i can call or email them and say hey, this is how im feeling, is this normal? and they will tell me yes and encourage me to keep going. Saturday was a doosey though! Number one rule- i think- in grieving should be if you wake up feeling emotional, you should just take it easy and not try to do really anything. Its not a day to try to train your child or argue over getting school done. Some people may not agree with that but usually their not the ones who have been in my shoes. The fruit of skipping school or letting my kids slide in behavior is not going to be nearly as bad as mom freaking out, crying, yelling, screaming and saying things she would never be able to take back. Just my opinion. So sunday started off emotional. I could physically feel angry sorrowful pain in the pit of my stomach. It was followed by just life stuff: kids fighting because someone is touching someone or looking at someone or singing a song that just bugs the other one. You know, those really big important things! :) But man, that wears me out! That was followed by my sweet little Ben knocking over my full cup of coffee onto my computer keyboard, my little dsl box was swimming, it was all over my computer. So that sent me out to the garage where i just sat and cried out to my Father. I think it was 9 am by now. So the morning carried on with just life that i just wasnt up to handling. The unthankfulness of my kids as they ordered out for their breakfast, only to not like what they got. Simeon walking behind me dumping out everything i just picked up. You know, just regular stuff that on other days i could handle, correct and deal with but that day i took it all to heart as nothing i do is ever right or good enough, im ruining my kids etc... then i was getting ready to go to a friends birthday get together and my hair dryer started making some crazy sound and really smoking and then poof, it died. Do i even need to explain that one?! So needless to say, i was not sad at all about leaving my kids for a few hours. so im on the freeway driving to her house and this song comes on about being in a flood and will He let me drown and about being consumed by His fire and wanting something beautiful to touch us. And you know, i could feel that pain inside of me and i just had it out with my God. I was crying, screaming- really shouldnt have been driving but where else could you do something like that? The only way i can really explain it was that it reminded me of labor. with each contraction your body naturally takes over as you dont really yell but you make that sound that comes from deep inside. Thats what it was like. and it pretty much sucked! and i didnt feel happy afterward either. i felt somber ( and i dont even really know what that word means :) drained like i had just been through one of Dr Phils emotional therapy groups. This was definately the day ive wanted to drink the most, smoke, find a guy ( just being honest and im sure im not the only one) really just try to deliver myself from the pain. and ofcourse i didnt do that because i know its a lie that doing those things would deliver me or even ease my pain. I know that healing comes by walking through to the end valley with my Father along side. Ive started to think though that the valley is alot longer that i initially thought. But thats ok, because my Father is with me -come what may- and nothing can take me out of His hand. I pray someone some day see's this and is encouraged by it even if it just helps them to not feel alone. God is faithful and now it is monday morning and im ok. that pain is passed- thank God! Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragment. there are no words to express how much it means to me. :)

Since being touched by death, Iv been thinking alot about adam and eve. They are, after all, the ones who sold out the whole human race for a piece of fruit and a lie. Let any of us who worry about the choices our children are making take a little comfort in that. Thats pretty much the worst choice anyone could ever make. Im not going to be too hard on them though because im sure i would have done the same thing. But still, that one choice brought so much destruction. That was when fear and insecurity were birthed and given life. And Jesus,the One they use to have sweet fellowship with everyday, they now find themselves hiding from. Then having to leave the garden which contrary to what alot of people believe was not a punishment. It was actually to save us because had they eaten from the tree of life there could have been no redemption for us. we would have lived forever in that sinful state. But I try to put myself in their shoes. How they must have felt, the first time to feel fear and to be afraid of the One who had given them life. Then how they must have felt walking out of the garden of eden. Eden means the heart of God. What a walk that must have been. Seriousely think if it was you, how would you have felt? I think i would have felt sorrow almost to the point of death. And i wonder where did they set up their place to live? how far did they go from the entrance to the garden? i would have pitched my tent right outside the entrance. And i think the worst part would have been to not walk in the sweet presence of their Creator anymore EVER again! Yes, He did make a place where His Glory would come but thats not nearly the same as daily walking with Him.
Then I thought about God- our Father. How He must have felt! He, being all knowing, knew that was the day His children were going to doubt Him and believe the devil over Him. I wonder how He felt calling adam in the garden that day? How He felt that His children were hiding afraid of Him. Think about it. Knowing that He was going to have to separate Himself from them and that they were going to leave the garden and not walk daily with Him. I bet His heart broke. Even though He is God, He still grieves. He cries, it says in Jeremiah, over the unbelief of His children and the consequences that brings to them. These were His first hand creations, that They fashioned in Their image, that He knelt down and breathed His life and His spirit into. It's amazing to me, His plan and the great lengths He goes to to show us how much He loves us and just wants to restore to us what was lost that day. He wants us to trust Him- not be perfect- but to trust Him. He wants to be our Father, our Dad! Im counting on that one right now! You really cant even wrap your mind around it it's so incredible and unbelievable. Just some things ive been thinking about....

I cant believe it's been a month since i posted here...the time seems to fly by and go really slow all at the same time! Started to clean out the garage today. I was going through years of paper work and other things and i found quite a few little treasures- letters that we had written each other and pictures of great times together. It was strange though because i found myself almost frantically searching for any piece of him, of us. anywhere i had just written " i love you " on i ripped off and put it in my pocket. It is so crazy to be going through years of life stuff that i shared with him, everything brought back memories. It's almost impossible to even think of throwing it away, and its only papers! Yet, it seems to erase our life away. Tonight has been rough. I think im going a long fine and then one little thing happens ( although looking back over the day i can see it was a build up of things ) and im over the edge. What was different about tonight though is that i couldnt find rest. I did my usual things that help me through these moments but tonight they didnt seem to work for me. As i was walking in circles in the backyard toiling inside I heard the Lord's sweet voice saying " Come to Me....and i will give you rest." But see, im of the nature that i like to power through my feelings, sweat em out somehow by cleaning, excercising etc...but i know coming to Him means a time of feeling the anger and feeling the sorrow to get to that rest and tonight i just dont want to! Its really about surrendering. Surrendering to the truth that my husband is dead. He will never be here with us again, he's not coming home, i will never hold him close, feel him , laugh with him, lean on him, be comforted by him ever again- ever! My boys....i wont even start down that road! And yes, we will see him again but thats really no comfort for the now. But I cant go there! I cant! I think to surrender to the magnitude of that would overtake me. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.... But, God is faithful, as He again just whispered to me! He is my Father, and if He says come to Him to find my rest, that's what im going to do because He will take care of me and like ive said before, im passing through this valley. Im not stopping and camping anywhere along the way. And if i avoid anything id just be pitching a tent here in the valley and id be there until i did. So, im going to go sit with my Father, the One who loves me more that I can even imagine, and rest safely in Him.

It has been a rough couple of days. im stuck in the unbelief that my husband is gone. Im angry, and i mean really angry! and that anger is wrapped in deep sorrow- like a pit. I looked up grieve in the dictionary and one of the best definitions is deep mental anguish. I would have to add physical anguish as well. It sucks to walk in my life right now. it sucks to go somewhere for the day and drive home to my life, to the sober reality of my empty house, to think no one is there to share things with yet all my friends have their husband and get to share with them. Dont get me wrong, i have my boys and i dearly love them but this is what lives inside of me, always lingering. It sucks and Its just wrong! Ben, my 5yo, asked me last night if daddy was ever coming back. Isaiah has been crying to me telling me he misses his dad and cries at night alone in his bed. You know honestly i said to the Lord this is "bleeped" up!!! But to Him i didnt bleep it. And you know, Im sure He didnt fall off His throne when He heard it- so dont any of you who read this. He hears our thoughts anyways. I just keep saying to myself- this cant be! It cant be! Really, Lord? I just want to scream!!!! im actually realizing that screaming in a controlled way helps. ( i dont mean yelling at the kids! ) so much is racing through my head. Things id rather not even give voice to; temptations and the lies whispered by the enemy. I know how to fight through this. Thank you for Your Word Lord. Ps 77 What God is Great like our God? You are the God who works Wonders.

Good morning! While my intention with this blog was to share my journey and prayerfully help someone else, im finding it hard to find the time to get on here. Iv heard you have to post 3 times a week to keep followers but i dont know if thats going to happen at this season in my life. My focus right now is on my Father in heaven. We were talking in bible study yesterday about our attitude toward God. About how when we hear someone has a word for us from Him ( which YES, still really happens ) we automatically get afraid and say Oh no, whats it going to be. Someone had a dream about me and they were sharing it with me and right away i was afraid that i was going to make this really bad decision and be in all kinds of trouble. But doesn't the Spirit of our Father speak, express Himself, and move to serve for some purpose. Doesnt the scripture say the gifts or the expressions of the Holy Spirit whether they are tongues, prophecy, words of wisdom etc...are for building up and edification. Even if they may not be pleasant, shouldnt we instead of going all doom and gloom on Jesus, be thankful for the heads up! I dont see anywhere in scripture where it was the way of our Father to show us our bad choices to come just to make us afraid. I do though, see time and time again where God says Hey, listen up, turn back to me or this is what's going to happen. Speaking to serve and keep us out of trouble. So my practice starting yesterday is to constantly be remembering that my Father loves me- which really is a foundational belief we have to have, or how can we ever trust Him. Isnt that why He got angry with them in the wilderness? Because they were always putting Him to the test and they never came to know His ways. They never came to know Him as their dad. Right away ( like me ) they are freaking out at the edge of the red sea. Never mind the amazing things they had just watched God to in egypt with the plagues, passover and oh ya, and everyone in egypt giving them all their money and stuff to get them to leave. Then God, our Father, parts the sea for them to walk through on dry land - not even any muddiness or anything and He then swallows up their enemies with the water. You would think that would be all they needed to ever experience about our Father to never doubt Him again. Nope! Right away, they are grumbling about food and water and moses bringing them out there to die and how they wished they could go back to egypt so they could eat whatever they wanted! Are you kidding me??!! Most of us would love to see those things, those miracles. And most of us probably believe that if we only could see those things we'd be able to believe in Him and trust Him. Iv thought it, havent you? But, i dont think so. And God says of them: they never came to know My ways. They never came to know He loves them. They didnt come to know that He would never leave them, that He would provide all that they needed and they never came to know He was out for their good. They believed He would let them starve, and even when He gave them bread from heaven which is a beautiful picture of Jesus, they missed that part and complained because they wanted meat. They believed He would let them starve, dehydrate, not protect them and just let them die out there in the wilderness. How can that be? How could they ( and us too ) be so unconvincible in their hearts about His love and good plans for them? After all He did and they saw in egypt, how could they not come to know His ways? Well, thats what im working on. And im certainly glad they are in there, because ofcourse we all mess up and yes, He does have patience and grace with us. But the scripture says they are an example to us of how not to be. Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts like they did in the wilderness where they tested Him for 40 years. There is a foundational truth that comes actually even before Christ dying for us. We all know it, most of the world probably even does. John 3:16 For God so loved the world...He loved us first and as an act of love and to show His great love when we were in our worst possible state He didnt just leave us out there to die or fend for ourselves.He didnt just say to adam and eve: well you blew it for the whole world, now im not going to help you go deliver yourselves. No, He took on the whole responsibility on Himself of covering us so that we could come back into His presence. Even if He never did another thing for us, dont we have the single most greatest picture of love demonstrated ever in Christ's death for us? Isnt that enough to never doubt His love and kind intentions for us? That -alone- should be. Father, help us to come to know your ways. Just like we know and are so familiar with the ways of our friends, husbands, wives and parents, may we spend time with you, look to you , have the courage to believe You are who You say you are. And may we strive to rest in Your faithfulness and in Your beautiful and undeserved love for us. I hate to end with this, but Im reminded of a scripture i think in jeremiah where God talks about how the people will go out of their way and strive to look for a lover and isnt that true? Remember when we first got married how we all were? Or even before we knew Christ? How you would give up food, sleep, tv time or whatever to talk to or be with that person. If we could just turn that attention toward God and seek Him with that same intensity in our hearts we would be less afraid and rest knowing He is our Dad and He's watching out for our good. This wasnt at all what i intended to write about this morning but i did pray Jesus would guide my hand and thats what came up. I will try to post again in a few days because i want to share some of the great things He is doing for us. :)