Im tired tonight. This has been a looong week of being out of the house early and for most of the day. Im spent. I (unfortunately) am not looking forward to mothers day this weekend and honestly id like to take my guys and run away for the weekend but i have no idea where to go. I was reading the bible to them tonight and Ben leaned over and whispered in my ear that he wished he could die so he could be with and talk to his dad. I just love that boy! (I love them all ofcourse) So i said to Ben that if he showed up anytime soon in heaven Dad would be pretty upset and probably ask Jesus to send him back until he has had a long life with his years full of good things! Then i said to them- you know, if Dad could talk to us right now he would first tell us he loves us, then he would tell us not to be sad but to live and enjoy our life and trust God to keep taking care of us- that He is faithful. I love how my mother in law said it to me the other day. She said something to the effect of; it's just hard to get use to him living somewhere else now and not being with us anymore. I LOVE that because he IS still alive. The scripture says believers dont die. Our spirit- the real us- just passes right over to our real home. So technically he's just moved. Isnt that the truth?

Rated "R" for exclamation point profanity

I was going to write something encouraging tonight. The last couple of messages at church have been really good about expecting God to do great things for us but honestly thats gone for me at this moment. It is amazing to me how one thing can just almost sink me. I was going about having a great day visiting a friend today and i was in their front yard pushing Simeon in a swing. My friends husband came home and without thinking i turned towards where her kids were and said- your dads here. Simeon spun his head around so fast to look and he said dad! My heart sunk and i couldnt believe i even said it. Then i had to explain to him that it wasnt his dad, it was theirs. Do you have any idea how !!!!!! up that is????? And please dont even think about giving me grief about my exclamation points! I just wanted to throw up! It is wrong on every single level to have to repeatedly tell my little boy that his dad is gone. And im sure he's over it now but i sit and wonder what his heart must have felt at that moment when i said those stupid !!!!!!! words and right now i cant let it go. Im so, so sad- and angry! Im sad not only for me but for other people- a man who lost his wife and he has a 3 yo little boy who keeps calling for his mom- every single day now for i think almost a year -and his dad is helpless to that and it's wrong that he doesnt have her! People move on with their lives - which is ok, it's what they should do. But they have no idea the ins and outs of everyday little things we go through. Little things that you just never think of. Like a little boy crying in need of his mom and dad trying to bring him comfort but he wants his mom and keeps crying for her. I cant even imagine how hard it is for him! i know another woman who will probably lose her husband, she cant even sleep in her bed because he's not with her. Father, forgive me for walking through this life so self absorbed. Help me to stop wasting time and worrying about things that are temporal. Help me to love all over on my boys and to not be irritated with them because they arent perfect. Please pray for people. Get alone with God and tell Him youre willing to intercede for people and ask Him who to pray for, He'll lead you. There is so much pain in this world, i dont know how our Father bears it- but im sure glad He bears it for us because i cant carry this load.

God is so good! Sometimes i am so overjoyed by Him that I feel guilty because I think it's wrong for me to have happiness after losing my love. Although I know that's not true, there still is a part of me that thinks i should be consumed with sorrow. Dont get me wrong, there are days when i am sad, i do miss him constantly and i do feel this awareness that something is missing from me- not just my life, but from me physically as well. I also find myself covering up alot. Like im always wearing a sweater or jacket and constantly feeling the need to hold it closed. I never did that before. It reminds me of the part of the "The Valley Song" by jars of clay when he says:
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground, using our hands
To cover the "fatal cut" --- I never really understood that until now. But i do feel like i am wounded and need to keep it covered maybe while Gods healing me- not too sure. I love that whole song! Im going to have to to put it in my playlist. The rest of it says:
Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
I will sing of Your mercy that leads me THROUGH valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy. I am so amazed at Him! That He has not only the love for me- us- to want to help us but that He has the power to heal even our worst pains and sorrows! And i do believe He heals it. I believe the valley does end and the wound does heal. While im sure i will always love george and miss him, i dont believe we are to just adjust to a new way of living without him. I believe my Father is creating a new beautiful life for us- and quite possibly an even a better one than before! I just believe that's how He is.
Some scriptures i found regarding Him doing "new" things:
Isaiah 40: 31 He gives new strength
isaiah 42:9-10 He declares new things to us before they happen
Isaiah 48:6 He proclaims new hidden things which we have not known
Isaiah 62:2 He gives us a new name
EZ 18:31 He gives us a new heart
Ez 11:19 He gives us a new spirit
Lamentations ( my favorite) His mercy, lovingkindess, and compassions are new every morning
Luke 22:20 He gives us a new covenant in His blood
John 13 He gives us a new commandment
2 Cor 5:17 He gives us a new creation when we become born again in Him
Eph 4:24 he gives us a new self made in His likeness- in righteousness, holiness and truth
And He wraps up His love letter to us with this - Revelation 21:5 And He who sits on the throne said " Behold, I am making all things new." And He said, " Write, for these words are Faithful and True." If He can do all that, im certain He can create something new and beautiful for us! Praise His Beautiful Name!

Today was a strange day for me. i thought of george continually. One of my amazing sisters and her husband filled out the extreme makeover home show app for us and today they came over and shot the video to send in with it. So i had to sit and share our story with them via a video camera. And i went through all the details. Its strange to rethink about it now and to realize how far we've come and how faithful God is. I do miss him greatly! I try really hard not to think about the time in the hospital. I try not to think about the times i could hear him crying out to God and i would just get on my face outside wherever he was and just weep and pray for him. I hated thinking that he felt like God wasnt hearing or helping him. But he's not thinking about those things now so why should i? But sometimes i do and today i did while doing that video. Its so strange to me still to remember sitting at the table with all those teams of doctors and because of a bunch of different things there was nothing they could do for him- nothing! But they said it in such a clinical way that you just dont even understand that theyre telling you theres nothing they can do. And then when it finally settles that there IS NOTHING they can do to help and then they tell you you have just maybe 2 weeks to live! Its unbelievable! And may you never know. Its been almost 6 months and honestly i still cant believe that he's gone! We went to the park today. It was a park we had been to with George a few times. I kept having sorta flashbacks of the times we had been there before having picnics and playing. But i couldnt remember them clearly, and that bothered me. I was watching Simeon watching a little girl and her dad. The dad was standing at the bottom of the slide just playing with her and taking her picture and Simeon just stood there staring at them. Now, i doubt that he was thinking of it the way i was but still thats something he'll never have and i wondered what he was thinking. Tonight i was laying with him in bed and it dawned on me that he hasnt looked at georges pictures in a while and I dont even remember when he last said daddy.So i gave him a kiss on the head and told him that me and daddy loved him and he didnt respond like he use to. Has he forgotten already? How wrong is that Lord!!! And he will forget George nomatter how hard we try to keep his memory alive Simeon wont remember his dad. UH!!! Today was just one of those days that 200 sighs wasnt even enough and i just had this sad awareness of him not being part of me anymore. Life is so up in the air right now. And while I know in my heart my Father is taking care of us, I just miss him being by my side. I miss my team mate, my cheering section, the strong arms that would hold me when i was afraid or when life just sucked- because it just does sometimes! And i miss taking care of him. I miss being his wife. I miss having coffee with him in the morning and getting him big bowls of ice cream at night. I wish i would have been a better wife to him- although honestly i dont have any guilt or regrets- i just wish i would have have loved more. I miss him coming home every night and the boys hearing his truck and they would all hide and he would look for them. Isaac just said to me last night that he never got to tell dad where his hiding place was. It's strange to think that im here sometimes consumed with thoughts of him and he may not even think of us. We dont really know what it's like in heaven, what we remember and the word doesnt say much about it. I do remember on Isaiahs birthday, 4 days after george passed. I was in the bathroom and Isaiah came in and told me he heard his daddy's voice in the living room. I asked him what he said and he answered- he wished me a happy birthday. I do believe he heard him. So i dont know about all that. But what i do know is God is faithful. And as long as i live, till my very last breath i will make known His faithfulness and sing praise to His Name. Because no matter what we go through, He is able to give us peace in the midst of it, deliver us from it, restore and heal us and even work it for our good. Who is like Him? Tell me!
Romans 8:35-38 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?... But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,
nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Thats always been one of my favorite scriptures but i hadnt actually read it since George died and reading it tonight...wow! I love when a scripture takes on new life for me. It's true- nothing is more powerful than Him and there is nothing greater than Him that could ever come between His love and grip on us-Nothing! NOTHING!!! Amazing!

I was having a talk with a pastor the other evening. I had shared with him that through all this ive been learning to wait on the Lord for things. His response was- wow, you dont hear that in the church anymore. That sort of took me back. And i said well, maybe thats why the people in the church arent getting anything from Him because theyre not waiting for Him to do things. It is afterall, the one who waits on Him who gets the promise. And if we arent waiting on Him, what are we doing? Delivering ourselves? Because thats not even faith. And usually, if your like me, you strive, and spin your wheels trying to make things happen just to end up right back where you started in the first place with no deliverance. Why do we do that? I was sharing with this pastor about how God sold my husbands truck. It was a big Ford f700. It was pretty old with quite a few miles on it and it smoked alot! A few people came by to look at it but no takers. Finally a man came by and looked at it and asked me what i wanted. I told him my price and he said ok. So by the next friday he called me and said he was short $500. and asked if i would take it and i said no. And let me tell you, that was really hard. I remember going into the nursery at my homeschool group and telling the moms about it and how i wanted to call him back because i was afraid no one else would want it. But, I said im not going to. God is the seller of my things and im going to wait on Him because when i do He does better for me than i ever could have done for myself. Plus you see His hand and have the testimony of Him doing it. So I resisted calling him and waited. 5 days later another man came to look at it. This man looked like he could have been Georges brother. His family is catholic and they homeschool their children. He was telling me how he buys and restores old cars with his dad and his son. He said this truck would be a great project for them and asked me what i wanted to get out of it. I told him my price and he in return offered me $500. MORE than what i asked for. Who gets that??? I'll tell you, the one who waits on the Lord! And on top of that he told me that the truck was going to a good family - which does matter to me- and that whatever he restores he keeps forever. I just love that! And i had mentioned to him how other people wanted to chop it up and hated the color and he said he loved it and as a matter of fact the truck was his favorite color and that it was actually his friend who saw the ad for the truck and emailed it to him saying it was his truck because it was his color! See what God does when you wait. And i could have sold to that other man, but look what i got for waiting on God. I could see and have the testimony of His Beautiful Hand orchestrating that whole thing- which means more to me than the money. I believe it's when we seek Him and wait on Him that we get the exceedingly abundantly more than we could imagine that is talked about in Ephesians. And did you know that He waits too? Isaiah 30:18 Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who wait for Him. And this pretty much sums up my life at this moment. Psalm 40:1-5 I waited patiently for the LORD And He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear And will trust in the LORD. How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood. Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders which You have done, And Your thoughts toward us; There is none to compare with You If I would declare and speak of them, They would be too numerous to count. It almost amazes me that i can feel like that at this moment in my life. But He is bringing me up out of this pit and He is continually putting a new song of praise in my mouth. I almost feel guilty sometimes because im so over joyed at what God is doing. Like thats wrong and some how means im not missingand loving George still. But how can i keep from singing His praise when He is being so faithful and real to us. And I am convinced that our Father wants to walk the ins and outs of our everyday lives with us- just like He did in the garden with Adam and Eve. And even though Jesus doesnt walk physically with us like He did with them, i believe we have something better. Jesus said it was better that He go away back to the Father so that the Holy Spirit could come and live in us. So Him living in us must be even greater than Jesus walking physically with us. He cares about about our lives, us, our every decisions- the small ones as well as the big ones. He wants to be involved in it all. Include Him in and watch what He does :)

Last night i took a meal over to a lady who's husband is in the hospital. I mentioned them a few weeks ago. He had what they thought were lesions in his brain and were going in to check it out. Turns out He has a crazy virus that in a compromised immune system causes your white blood cells to destroy your brain. So what they thought was a lesion is really dead brain tissue. To make matters worse, there is no treatment for it. And the one clinical trial has side affects that could be detrimental. It is amazing what a difference a few months makes! Hear me- Dont take your life, your wife, husband, your health, and your time for granted. I am still, regardless of all this i see around me, a believer in Gods promises of a long life and my years filled with good things but God help us- help me- not take these things for granted. As i stood in her kitchen just listening to her heart i could just hear myself having said the exact same words. The realization that we wasted a lot of time being upset over meaningless things and how we didnt really appreciate their being a covering over us. We talked about how we wished we would have complained less and encouraged more- like they did for us. She mentioned how she repented to him at his bedside and i shared with her how i got on my knees and washed my husbands feet with tears apologizing for being out of order and putting the kids and other things before him. I know this may sound redundant to you but i find very interesting that we experienced the same thing. It must just be what happens when you face death, you start evaluating how youre really living your life. And then you pray for time to love them the way you really want to now. But i dont think you have to go down a road like this to love like that. That's why i keep repeating it over and over again. Dont have regrets. Dont waste time. Make the choice to love absolutely unconditionally without any thought of getting anything out of it for you- especially when the person youre loving isnt doing what you want or isnt treating you necessarily good. It takes a lot of foot work but it also takes a huge amount of energy to live with irritation and strife. And like Jesus said- if you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even the world does that. But Jesus in luke ch 6:27 says...But i say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you... Isnt it interesting that he qualifies it to those who hear? I mean surely everyone around him had ears that worked right? They werent all deaf. So we can have ears but not hear. I think we're only hearers if take what we hear and do it. I remember praying for george once and the Lord just kinda saying to me- well do really care about him and whats best for him? or do you just want him to change because it will help/ benefit you in some way? And you know what, when i really prayerfully thought about it He was right ( what a surprise hah? ). The underlying of my prayers for my husband were in some way to help or benefit me, not because i was genuinely concerned for his heart and being right with God. It was more to make him right with me or what i thought was right for him. So ill say it again, dont waste time. Tonight when you get in bed with your husband or wife- be thankful for them. Your life may not be perfect, no one's is. But think about the wife of that man who is in the hospital who for now and maybe for the rest of her life has to get in her bed alone. Its one of the hardest things to get use to, looking over and that side of the bed is cold and empty. I at least ( and thankfully ) had all my boys to fill the bed. But now theyre all back in their beds and it is strange. The night hours are the hardest. When youre alone and the business of the day settles, your mind just starts spinning and you seem more vulnerable and fear, saddness and what if's come and thats where she's at facing decisions you never want to have to make for someone you love. I know because i was there too. The only- yet best- comfort i could give her was the testimony of Gods amazing faithfulness to me and the assurance that He is and will continue to be that for all them. He is our Refuge, our Strong tower, our Shield, our Rock, our ever present help, our Comforter- our Dad. Praise His Holy Name! Please pray for this family.

I am blessed

Its been a little over 5 months since my husband went home to heaven. The story of what was happening in our life spread pretty wide by some of my amazing sisters in Christ. The prayers, letters, gifts and phone calls that i received from absolute strangers during the beginning was amazing and the love and encouragement just overwhelmed me. I still have every note and re-read them often. To know that people prayed and still do with tears for us ...there are no words. Some people said that that would end and people would get back to their lives and i guess that has happened some, but even though i dont hear from alot of people anymore i still believe they are praying for us. I remember saying to the Lord in the beginning to help me not to rely on anyone to carry me through this but Him. It can only be Him- He is our Healer. I have to say though that i feel exceptionally blessed. I have recieved some gifts from some home schooling families and stay at home moms -someone even offered to share their home with us. I noticed that they make a point to say their gift is small, but it blesses me even more because i know as a stay at home mom you had to sacrifice to give us that and you probably cut something from your own grocery bill just to send us that $10. or $15. There is no small gift. Its beautiful to me, that people give to us like that. I have some amazing ( that word doesnt even do them justice! ) sisters who i know are on this journey with us for the long haul. I love them more than i could ever express and dont know what id do without them! I am part of an awesome homeschool group whose support is invaluable to me. These are women who may not know what to say, but they will hug me or just sit and listen to me if i need to talk. There is one lady who whether i share good news with her or im sad she just grabs me, squeezes me tight and loves on me. I have a sister who i sent a text to the other day because i recieved a letter from the bank and i was afraid and she sent me back jer 1:19- read it, its awesome! And then maybe 15 minutes later she and her husband called me and prayed for me over the phone. Who does these things? I had a bad dream the other night and i woke up beyond sad and for probably an hour i was laying there worrying about our life, how are we going to do this, can God really make the way, the boys etc. It was about 6:30am and i got a text from another sister saying exactly what was needed in the moment. She's been sending me text messages just about every morning for months. I usually wake up to them. She just prays and sends me His word. There are times she doesnt even know how much im hurting and the words she sends just wash over me and the pain and sorrow leave and it focuses me back to my Father- who IS able. She told me the other day she loves me like the little sister she always wanted but never had. Seriously, I feel so loved! And thats just some of them. I cant even tell you how rich and blessed i feel. I love you beyond words and will never forget how youve loved us!