Everywhere i go i think of my husband. Starbucks, home depot, Roebucks, etc... I cant seem to drive down any street without some memory of Him coming over my heart. i was getting gas today, which is something i hate doing. It was one of the sweet things my husband used to do for me that i greatly appreciated. As i was deciding which gas to get i remembered how we use to have little arguments over which gas i put in my car. I would pick the cheapest one while he on the other hand would get one of the 2 more expensive ones trying to convince me that it was better quality and would be better for my engine. I would tell him it's all the same, they just say that to charge you more. We had that little tiff quite a few times trying to convince each other we were right. We also had one about the faster route to the 5 freeway. I would go up one street, and he would go down another one. We never actually clocked it but I would always try to convince him i was right and he would disagree and do the same. And these werent big arguments, just silly little disagreements. I remember the night I drove him to the ER. It was 9pm Thursday night oct 9 i believe. we said goodbye to the boys. isaac was so afraid he was shaking. I had to get on the 5 to go to the hospital and do you know which way i went? His way. Because in that moment of time being right just did not matter. Nothing mattered to me in that moment than him and loving him every possible way- even by getting on the freeway the way he thought was better. And anytime i have to get on the 5 now i always go the way he did. It's strange but it does something for me i just cant really explain. Life is short- even if you live a long life- it's still short. Being right isnt worth the waste of time to prove it. My husband would rarely fight with me. The things i mentioned above i wouldnt consider fighting. But if we were fighting ( or i was trying to fight with him ) and he was right he would take the blame and apologize because he new it was a waste of time. Listen, dont waste time on petty little things that so easily seem to sprout up in marriage...clothes on the floor, toilet seat up, things they do that just bug the crap out of you. But like weeds, you have to get rid of them by overcoming them or they'll take over and destroy your marriage. I had all those issues too but you know what, from where im sitting id take it all to have him back. It just doesnt matter- get over it, suck it up. Im sure i wasnt ms perfect to live with either and neither probably are you or any of us for that matter. Marriage is suppose to be a picture of the great mystery of Christ and His love for us- His bride. Its suppose to be a picture of trust (not perfection) forgiveness and unconditional love. So just love each other, do what the other wants, overlook the imperfections- be thankful that you have them!
1 corinthians 13 ...and if i have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if i have all faith , so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I AM NOTHING. Wow, thats something to sit with.

Im totally enjoying this beautiful warm and windy saturday. the boys watch sat morning cartoons from 7- 12 on saturdays which gives me time to clean the house and get some laundry done. After that we worked in the backyard getting our soil ready to plant the seeds we bought yesterday. Its amazing how excited kids get over the simplest of things. Simeon and i chased a grasshoper for a few minutes and he was just elated over trying to catch it. Ben and Isaiah found two blue tail caterpillars ( not even sure thats a real thing, but oh well! ) which was like finding gold to them. they ofcourse came in and took my last two tupperware containers to make homes for them and now they are carrying their new little friends around taking such sweet care of them. Now if i could only get them to love each other like they do these bugs!
I wanted to take some time to share about how tangible and amazingly faithful my Father has been throughout this journey. The very first thing He did was 2 days after George passed. i decided to go to cottonwood church. It was a big convention weekend and i knew there would be a billion people there but i had prayed that morning and asked the Lord to lead me and sit me next to someone who had been where i was that could tell me i would be ok. I just really needed to hear those words. So i went and i chose a seat next to this lady who's name is Deborah. We said hello to each other and ofcourse i lost it and shared with her what had happened. She assured me i would be ok. and she said, " im not just saying that, im speaking from experience."she went on to tell me how 9 years ago her fiance - the man she had saved herself for her whole life- had passed away from a brain annurism ( i know i spelled that wrong- sorry ) he lived in a different city from her and when she hadnt heard from him she went to his place and found him dead. so she loved on me and told me i would never forget but that it would get easier. I dont remember any part of the message that day except the very end and it was like God was speaking directly to me. The man speaking was talking about the looking good christians. the ones who are always smiling, dressed nice, walking by us in life all happily cruising along. Then he said , but if this is you and he got down on his knees and started dragging himself across the floor, you just keep looking straight ahead at Jesus. Even if everyone around you is happily going by you just keep going, hang on, and before you know it you'll be over here and you wont know how you got there but God will carry you through just keep looking at Him. I sat there crying my eyes out because that was me, that was exactly how i felt- like i could barely even crawl. Here i sit almost 5 months later, eyes still fixed on Him and i can say He is absolutely faithful and so near to the brokenhearted! Now i am able to walk, smile even, but i do still have those days of just barely being able to do it. And on those days of not being able to cling to Him, i know He is clinging to me.
ps 62:5-8 My soul, find rest in God alone, for my hope is from Him. He only is my Rock and my Salvation, my Stronghold; i will not be moved. On God my salvation and my glory rest. The Rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

today i feel like im in my own private hell while the world and other peoples lives just keep going on around me. i feel prisoner to these emotions. i dont know if as a believer i am suppose to take these thoughts and feelings captive or if i am suppose to ride it out through them. im incredibly angry and i dont feel like i can do anything right. Im taking every complaint from my children to heart. I have no outlet that seems to be working and i definately cant be screaming like i was in the car or my kids would freak. although maybe i just should do it into my pillow verses taking it out on them. I dont know. And i cant really talk to anyone about it. Even though i know they care, i think it would overwhelm them and they wouldnt know what to say. I feel like i dont know what im doing or how to even be a mom to them. I feel this huge burden that im damaging them. there is only just one of me! I cant do it all. i just feel like i cant do this. i cant raise these boys alone. I cant physically or emotionally do it. I cant get anything done because everyone wants my attention or someone is fighting with someone somewhere and if i dont get there fast enough my wonderful oldest points out how im not taking care of it! Mind you, i was on the toilet when that happened this morning. And honestly i dont want to deal with them. I AM TIRED!!!!! im tired of dealing with stupid crap every 2 minutes about who touched who or someone is ignoring someone or he has my tiny little lego piece or whatever! Its rediculous! This is my every minute of everyday, all by myself life. I dont want it. I have nothing to give. I cant listen to another story about bionicles, power miners, or starwars- i cant! and this all may sound trivial to some but i just cant do it today. I need help! I need my husband! My world is just spinning right now and im way overwhelmed by too many things.

God never ceases to amaze me! As I was typing this I had an unexpected visit from this very sweet little old Christian couple that lives around the corner from us. Ofcourse being as emotional as i am today as soon as she looked me in the eyes and asked how i was doing i completely crumbled. She immediately dropped her bags she was holding and grabbed me and would not stop hugging me. even when i tried to let her go, she still held on to me. I just love that! I love how God provides exactly what you need from a least expected source. They stayed for a bit and i got to share some of the amazing things God has done for us ( which eventually id like to share on here too ) and you know, im feeling much better. I have to overcome the " i cant's " If this anger is part of the journey then I need the Lord to show me how to deal with it in a healthy way so im not so upset with my boys. But if it's not part of this journey then i need Him to help me get the victory over it. i have a picture in my mind about how i want our family to be, i just dont know how to get us there. Plus i think i have this expectation of my boys to suddenly become quiet, thankful, cheerful and perfectly obedient and im not sure if thats even possible? Also, i need to remember that they are going through this valley as well only with a lot less understanding and a part time crazy emotional mom. And even though they dont talk to me about it much, that doesnt mean its not affecting them. I know it has to be. Please, to whoever reads this, pray for us but especially for me- i need wisdom from the Holy Spirit every second of the day. I need His peace and strength and sometimes His hand over my mouth. I need to also keep in mind that i still have an enemy who would absolutely take advantage of my brokenness right now and try to destroy me and our family. I sure feel like i need alot! Good thing nothing is impossible for our Father, that He gives wisdom to all who ask with out measure, that His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness and love towards us is everlasting.

Not sure what will come out tonight...

I have so many things i want to share but im never quite sure what direction im going to go. I feel like we have been battling one sickness after another here at home. We had chicken pox and strep throat a month ago and now we have vomiting, high fevers, yucky green eye infections and bad coughs. I woke this morning at 4:30 am to Ben throwing up. And you know, that even made me miss my husband. Not that he would have been any help. He cant handle the barf o rama's , he'd been throwing up too. But i miss just having him to talk to and laugh with about it and other life things. I went out to the korean spa the other night with my sweet sister and she brought up thanksgiving for some reason. Then about 2 minutes later she said " im sorry, did i just make you think of george and get sad by bringing up thanksgiving?" I said no, because it's not actually those times that make me really sad. What i miss is him not being here when i got home from the spa to share the crazy fun time we had. I miss just doing and sharing our life together. I miss how tonight we probably would have somehow laughed about the barf fest this morning and even though he wouldnt have been much physical help to me, his presence would have given me strength and he would have encouraged me and told me he thought i am amazing and he doesn't know how i do it. Well, part of how ive always done it is that he was always behind me, or by my side. Its unbelievable how two become one flesh, and you create this life together of memories and hopes for the future. And then one day- IT'S ALL GONE- ALL OF IT. Not only the person you love, but also the life you knew. And the crazy part is that everywhere i go i see memories of what was our life at one time, but isnt now. Even just places we liked to eat at together, where we have been dozens of time- not anymore, thats over now. Or i may see a trailer loaded up with quads and think we were going to do that with the boys down the road- that was going to be our life- but not now. And I know my Father is creating a new life for us now which is strange too because i feel like i live in two different worlds sometimes. The one world that still includes my husband, that still really just thinks he's away working and will be home eventually. Thats the world i want to hold on to and still live in but we cant because it doesnt really exist anymore. Then theres the new life God is amazingly and beautifully creating for us that im drawn to because of His love and comfort. I know and believe whole heartedly that He has stepped in as my Husband and Provider and still is my Father but now is also a Father to my sons. And you can be certain im ( lovingly ) holding Him to His word. It's just a trip....unreal still at almost 5 months. I can still see his big ol sweet smile. He was always smiling, and im sure he is now even more. I remember one of the last things he said to me. I was pretty much having a breakdown, it was maybe about 2 weeks before he died. He was on a high dose of morphine so he was pretty much alseep most of the time. But every once in a while he'd have an awake moment of clarity. So i was upset and he said " come here, and let me help you " He held me and i laid my face in his neck. He said " you have to remember Jesus. He is here to help us and you have to remember to include Him in to the situation, He 's here to help. Remember Him." Those were actually the last really coherent words he spoke to me. They were beautiful to me then and they are words of life to me now. I start our everyday doing just that- remembering and including Jesus in to our life for that day. He wants to be part of our everyday life. I feel so blessed that my husband loved me with those amazing words of encouragment- exactly what i would need to get us through now. I miss him greatly!

One of my favorite songs and it speaks of where my heart is right now

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful

I learned last night that a good friend and home schooling mom of 9 has been diagnosed with colon cancer. It pretty much knocked the wind out of me. So many emotions rolled over me in literally just minutes. I think i cried at first for me, for my husband for the thought that this horrible oppression of the devil ( which IS exactly what this horrible disease is ) is so close to me again- so soon. I wept for my friend, her husband and their beautiful 9 children- 6 girls and 3 boys. Then came the feelings that i hate to even admit to you, but you know, i have to share my heart and sometimes what crosses our hearts isnt always pretty. Im not sure what the exact feelings were, maybe a little jealous and angry because it looks like it is removable by surgery ( although we should always pray and never take anything for granted ) and she will live and be fine and get to stay with her family. I found it hard- again, just being brutally honest- to pray for her at first. I had been literally on my face for weeks with tears crying out for my husband and he passed. I didnt want to pray and have her be ok while my husband was gone. And i know it really isnt even about her getting better but really, i just want my husband back. It brings up the questions in your heart; why this one Lord and not mine? And all the what if's which i have determined to never camp out on. I know that sounds really bad, but dont we all experience thoughts and feelings like that at some point in our life in one area or another? Some its with not having a baby yet but all of your friends are having them. It could be someone getting blessed with money or a gift that you have been praying for. Could be finding a husband or wife and your still single. Im sure it happens to us all. And i hope no one thinks im this terrible person because i do love this woman and ofcourse i want her treatment to be successful and i want her to live to see and enjoy her childrens children. But initially, those thoughts all went through my mind. But it didnt take but a word from the Lord to set me straight by saying " what would you want if it were you ?" I would want mercy, deliverance, people lifting me up to You Lord etc... ( exactly what people are doing for me everyday right now! ) Well then, He says, give and it will be given to you. Treat others like you want to be treated. Ofcourse now i am praying those things for her, for everyone that is and will be invloved in this with her. I wont lie to you though, there still is a part of my heart that is jealous but i wont let that take root and grow in my heart. And i definately wont let it keep me from loving her through this time. And im sure It's not the only time im going to have a feeling like that. But im so thankful for the quick correction of my Father and His help to guard my heart against those things. Please, please pray for her. Her name is Vanese. She meets with the surgeon on monday. Pray that....well, what would you want if it were you?

one of my hardest days yet...

i love to get up early before all the kids, make a hot cup of vanilla chai tea and sit with the Lord. Its like i get to sneak away with Him- my Love- before my world starts going. Thats what i did this morning. And my relationship has taken on a new way where instead of feeling like i have to or should read my bible and sit with Him. I now look forward to my time with my Savior-my source of life. I wanted to make sure that i shared on here about the day i had on saturday. It was by far one of the most painful days yet and i feel the need to write about it because im certain someone else will find themselves there as well. I want to just first say how incredibly thankful i am for the women God has brought into my life who have walked this road before me and are now a few years down the way. I love that i can call or email them and say hey, this is how im feeling, is this normal? and they will tell me yes and encourage me to keep going. Saturday was a doosey though! Number one rule- i think- in grieving should be if you wake up feeling emotional, you should just take it easy and not try to do really anything. Its not a day to try to train your child or argue over getting school done. Some people may not agree with that but usually their not the ones who have been in my shoes. The fruit of skipping school or letting my kids slide in behavior is not going to be nearly as bad as mom freaking out, crying, yelling, screaming and saying things she would never be able to take back. Just my opinion. So sunday started off emotional. I could physically feel angry sorrowful pain in the pit of my stomach. It was followed by just life stuff: kids fighting because someone is touching someone or looking at someone or singing a song that just bugs the other one. You know, those really big important things! :) But man, that wears me out! That was followed by my sweet little Ben knocking over my full cup of coffee onto my computer keyboard, my little dsl box was swimming, it was all over my computer. So that sent me out to the garage where i just sat and cried out to my Father. I think it was 9 am by now. So the morning carried on with just life that i just wasnt up to handling. The unthankfulness of my kids as they ordered out for their breakfast, only to not like what they got. Simeon walking behind me dumping out everything i just picked up. You know, just regular stuff that on other days i could handle, correct and deal with but that day i took it all to heart as nothing i do is ever right or good enough, im ruining my kids etc... then i was getting ready to go to a friends birthday get together and my hair dryer started making some crazy sound and really smoking and then poof, it died. Do i even need to explain that one?! So needless to say, i was not sad at all about leaving my kids for a few hours. so im on the freeway driving to her house and this song comes on about being in a flood and will He let me drown and about being consumed by His fire and wanting something beautiful to touch us. And you know, i could feel that pain inside of me and i just had it out with my God. I was crying, screaming- really shouldnt have been driving but where else could you do something like that? The only way i can really explain it was that it reminded me of labor. with each contraction your body naturally takes over as you dont really yell but you make that sound that comes from deep inside. Thats what it was like. and it pretty much sucked! and i didnt feel happy afterward either. i felt somber ( and i dont even really know what that word means :) drained like i had just been through one of Dr Phils emotional therapy groups. This was definately the day ive wanted to drink the most, smoke, find a guy ( just being honest and im sure im not the only one) really just try to deliver myself from the pain. and ofcourse i didnt do that because i know its a lie that doing those things would deliver me or even ease my pain. I know that healing comes by walking through to the end valley with my Father along side. Ive started to think though that the valley is alot longer that i initially thought. But thats ok, because my Father is with me -come what may- and nothing can take me out of His hand. I pray someone some day see's this and is encouraged by it even if it just helps them to not feel alone. God is faithful and now it is monday morning and im ok. that pain is passed- thank God! Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragment. there are no words to express how much it means to me. :)

Since being touched by death, Iv been thinking alot about adam and eve. They are, after all, the ones who sold out the whole human race for a piece of fruit and a lie. Let any of us who worry about the choices our children are making take a little comfort in that. Thats pretty much the worst choice anyone could ever make. Im not going to be too hard on them though because im sure i would have done the same thing. But still, that one choice brought so much destruction. That was when fear and insecurity were birthed and given life. And Jesus,the One they use to have sweet fellowship with everyday, they now find themselves hiding from. Then having to leave the garden which contrary to what alot of people believe was not a punishment. It was actually to save us because had they eaten from the tree of life there could have been no redemption for us. we would have lived forever in that sinful state. But I try to put myself in their shoes. How they must have felt, the first time to feel fear and to be afraid of the One who had given them life. Then how they must have felt walking out of the garden of eden. Eden means the heart of God. What a walk that must have been. Seriousely think if it was you, how would you have felt? I think i would have felt sorrow almost to the point of death. And i wonder where did they set up their place to live? how far did they go from the entrance to the garden? i would have pitched my tent right outside the entrance. And i think the worst part would have been to not walk in the sweet presence of their Creator anymore EVER again! Yes, He did make a place where His Glory would come but thats not nearly the same as daily walking with Him.
Then I thought about God- our Father. How He must have felt! He, being all knowing, knew that was the day His children were going to doubt Him and believe the devil over Him. I wonder how He felt calling adam in the garden that day? How He felt that His children were hiding afraid of Him. Think about it. Knowing that He was going to have to separate Himself from them and that they were going to leave the garden and not walk daily with Him. I bet His heart broke. Even though He is God, He still grieves. He cries, it says in Jeremiah, over the unbelief of His children and the consequences that brings to them. These were His first hand creations, that They fashioned in Their image, that He knelt down and breathed His life and His spirit into. It's amazing to me, His plan and the great lengths He goes to to show us how much He loves us and just wants to restore to us what was lost that day. He wants us to trust Him- not be perfect- but to trust Him. He wants to be our Father, our Dad! Im counting on that one right now! You really cant even wrap your mind around it it's so incredible and unbelievable. Just some things ive been thinking about....

I cant believe it's been a month since i posted here...the time seems to fly by and go really slow all at the same time! Started to clean out the garage today. I was going through years of paper work and other things and i found quite a few little treasures- letters that we had written each other and pictures of great times together. It was strange though because i found myself almost frantically searching for any piece of him, of us. anywhere i had just written " i love you " on i ripped off and put it in my pocket. It is so crazy to be going through years of life stuff that i shared with him, everything brought back memories. It's almost impossible to even think of throwing it away, and its only papers! Yet, it seems to erase our life away. Tonight has been rough. I think im going a long fine and then one little thing happens ( although looking back over the day i can see it was a build up of things ) and im over the edge. What was different about tonight though is that i couldnt find rest. I did my usual things that help me through these moments but tonight they didnt seem to work for me. As i was walking in circles in the backyard toiling inside I heard the Lord's sweet voice saying " Come to Me....and i will give you rest." But see, im of the nature that i like to power through my feelings, sweat em out somehow by cleaning, excercising etc...but i know coming to Him means a time of feeling the anger and feeling the sorrow to get to that rest and tonight i just dont want to! Its really about surrendering. Surrendering to the truth that my husband is dead. He will never be here with us again, he's not coming home, i will never hold him close, feel him , laugh with him, lean on him, be comforted by him ever again- ever! My boys....i wont even start down that road! And yes, we will see him again but thats really no comfort for the now. But I cant go there! I cant! I think to surrender to the magnitude of that would overtake me. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.... But, God is faithful, as He again just whispered to me! He is my Father, and if He says come to Him to find my rest, that's what im going to do because He will take care of me and like ive said before, im passing through this valley. Im not stopping and camping anywhere along the way. And if i avoid anything id just be pitching a tent here in the valley and id be there until i did. So, im going to go sit with my Father, the One who loves me more that I can even imagine, and rest safely in Him.