I keep a stash of my husbands unwashed shirts behind my pillow on my bed. I also have some in the closet wrapped tightly in a trash bag to preserve the smell of him. Every so often i take them out and try to find a spot that still smells like him and when i do i tell Isaac to come smell them and he buries his sweet 9 yo face into the shirt and comes back out smiling. It's really sweet. We must do it often enough that now Simeon my 2yo has caught on. Tonight i had one of georges sweatshirts on and i told Sim it was daddy's shirt and he put his face into it and sniffed. It was a bitter sweet moment. I have a lot of those with Simeon- with all of them actually. I love that Simeon still seems to have some rememberance of his dad. He still loves to look at his pictures and always wants to sit and play his guitar. We were in walmart a few weeks ago and he saw a man infront of us with a shaved head who did slightly resemble George and Sim- with a question sound in his voice- said Dad? That was a heart breaker! Isaiah who is my very sensitive 7yo remembers when george made their fort in the back yard, singing and making cd's with George, going camping ( at a lodge--which is the only way to camp! ) Yet sometimes out of nowhere, he just curls up on my lap sorta sad and tells me he misses his dad. Today we went to out to where our homeschool group had gone camping and we werent even there 5 minutes and he came up to me and asked me if i missed daddy. Ofcourse my answer was yes! I later asked him what made him ask me that and he said there was a man there that looked a little like dad. Ben is just full of every question you can imagine from why did dad die? Can he come back if he wants to? does dad have friends in heaven? And also wondered if dad has hair in heaven. And probably atleast 5 times a day Ben will come cuddle up with me and tell me he misses his daddy and wished he didnt die. Isaac my 9 yo tries to be a tough guy. He is at that age where he thinks he the man with all the answers and tries to tell everyone what to do. He is not a hugger anymore and really was never affectionate with George but every once he lets me sneak in a cuddle or back scratch. He has the most memories and talks alot with the other boys about him. He talks about the trips to the dump- which for all of them was better than disneyland, he talks about how they all use to hide when he came home and he would go look for them, how crazy he use to drive. Fun stuff. The other night we were sitting on my bed and i just said to them wouldnt it be awesome if dad just walked in the door? Think of how excited Sim would be and they all said it would be great and i looked at Isaac and said -would you hug him? and without a second of hesitation he said " Oh ya I would! " I just cried and forsure wont be asking that question again! When George first went into the hospital i had him make a little video for each of the boys. I knew they would be too scared to go to the hospital so i had him make them a video and they made him one.I havent watched them for months but I asked them if they wanted to see them the other day and isaiah and ben did. Isaac didnt want to yet- which i can totally understand. Simeon i think is still too young to understand its a video and not really him so im waiting on him. I am so glad i have them. They are just maybe 15 seconds but he tells each one their awesome and that he loves them- which is enough. I wish i would have had him make me one. But i have letters and cards and other sweet memories of him. I miss him greatly and have been dreaming about him a lot. i dont like the dreams. Im either looking for him and and I know he is there but i cant ever seem to find him or he is with us but he's just not right- he's just not him. I wake up just feeling... empty. It's not easy, but God is faithful. He is being so tangibly real to me that sometimes i just want to burst. And im believing for big seemingly impossible things. He says He is my Father, Husband and Provider and Im believing He's going to make a way for me to remain at home, have a home, and continue to raise and home school my sons like we have been doing. I dont know how he will do it but i know that He can. And im also believing that my little guys wont be lacking anything by not having a dad. I believe that He'll hold their hearts, heal their hurts and walk them through this and show Himself a faithful Dad to them as well. Pray for us though. People tell me how strong i am but you dont see it all. It's really just me leaning on Him and Him carrying me. He is so amazing- how He cares for us. There is no one like Him.

I have been without a computer for a week and thats been really hard. It's amazing to me how much it actually helps to write here as well as journaling. So much has been going on...I am loving the daylight lasting longer. We planted our vegetable garden in the backyard and Ben and Isaiah planted some wildflowers in the front yard. I wasnt going to do it this year but the kids really wanted to and i have to say it feels good to have life and things growing here. In the evening we turn the praise music up really really loud, sit out front and check on their little baby flowers growing and eat otter pops. Life CAN be sweet even when youre in the valley of weeping. For those of you who didnt know my husband, he was very out going, talked to everyone, helped anyone who needed it. He's literally given the shirt off his back to people before. All of our neighbors knew George and they have been walking in the evening now and ofcourse they all have stopped to mention they havent seen him out front in a while and now his great big ford truck is gone as well so i have had to share with a whole new slew of people what happened. I am amazed to find out how many people have lost someone they love to some form of cancer! Im not sure what pit of hell cancer crawled out of, but its evil and people live in total fear of it.
Right now i know of 3 people that are facing death. One is a sweet 85 yo widower friend of my family Joe. He has COPD and his lungs are just stopping working. They took him off the ventilator today, it will be a miracle if he lives through the night. One other family the husband has terminal bad prostrate cancer and the other family is a man who was really kind to us after George passed. He is having brain surgery tomorrow morning to try to figure out what the lesions are in his brain/ body and figuring out treatment. His son's wedding is this saturday. It just blows my mind how much death or potential death is near me. And it trips me out how life and the world just keeps going on! We just celebrated Easter and it really wasnt hard for me because of George. What was hard for me was enjoying my day, stuffing my face when i knew what other people were facing. It felt like a waste of my time. I would have rather been visiting the sick or even just spent the day in prayer for all these people. When you know what those people are going to be feeling- the magnitude and anguish of grief- it just makes me want to wrap my arms around them and love them. You know, thats probably the only thing i like about hospitals is the fact there i feel free to do that. When george was at UCI we would just see someone pacing the hall and he would tell me to go check on them and i would just walk up and put my arms around total strangers and listen to them and pray for them. I even did it one time going up the elevator to the parking structure. Life is different in there. Your career, your money, your social status dont matter in there- we're all on equal ground. All the world garbage is left at the doors and you just care for each other- total strangers- and you want to help ease their burdens. I think that happens when we experience great catastrophes like the the world trade centers. Again you have this sudden realization of death and disaster and it immediately brings into our focus what matters most in our lives- loving people. Yes our families, but even absolute total strangers. I wonder why we lose that, because we do. We go back to the routine of our lives. I dont want that to happen to me. Yes, we do have to do our life stuff but I want to always be moved by compassion for people. Really, what else matters? Loving God, loving others. Try it this week. When youre walking through the market and you see some little old lady, reach out and touch her arm and ask how she is. Find a mom and compliment her or encourage her or do whatever the Lord brings infront of you. Dont wait until you experience something sorrowful to have that love for people- love them now.

soundboarding

This post may not make alot of sense or it may make some mad. Iv been struggling with a lot of thoughts- a lot of controversial thoughts. Im not looking to argue anything, convince anyone or be convinced, but really just trying to work through them out loud here. Im struggling with what people are thinking about my husbands death and about my Father. In reality, their probably really not thinking about it like I think but these are things that are on my mind. My husband believed whole heartedly that God was his healer- not doctors. His belief was grounded in the word and God had healed him of many things through his life. He had seen God do things similar to the things done in the scripture since he was a little boy. Anyone who knew us during the time of him being sick knew that he was putting his trust in his Father. and even though he went to the hospital, that was really because he just couldnt bare the pain anymore. His words to the hospice nurse were these- I have a Father in heaven who with a word created everything we see and until a man can tell me he can do that, I think im better off in His hands. My husband was not perfect ( none of us are ) and I was with my husband every second right up to the end and we had conversations about things that he believed led to the situation he was in. Now, i dont feel the need to mention those because i believe love covers those things and keeps them private. And i dont believe all sickness is the result of sin. The bible says trouble comes to us all. And i dont think we can ever really know about other people because its really between the person and God. But scripturally speaking, The word does say His people do die from a lack of knowledge, wisdom and Jesus also said that if the tree isnt bearing fruit it gets cut down. Sometimes i think people forget these things and most of the time I think God gets blamed for things that are not His doing. The bible says Jesus is the EXACT representation of the nature of the Father, John says Jesus has explained the Father to us and Jesus also said that He was doing the things the Father was doing and that if we have seen Him we have seen the Father. I dont see ANYWHERE in the scripture where jesus said it was not His will to heal. I dont see anywhere where He let someone die as the means of them getting healed. I dont see anywhere that He said someone was sick to learn something. Yes, we do grow as a result but He never made anyone sick or left them sick to learn something. I read that He went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed of the devil. I see that He saw the people sick and was moved with compassion to heal them. It hurts my heart that people - His children- say that He does these things. Things like- He doesnt heal, its His will for you to be sick, it may be His will that you walk outside and get hit by a car- its all in Gods hands. Well is it? We dont have any part in what happens to us? I think too many times we look at other people and base what we believe on what happens to others. Iv heard probably 100 times about some great person, preacher etc... who had some sickness and although he was good and worthy God didnt heal him and took him home. Well, Jesus said no one is good except the Father. And I wonder if we never looked at anyone else or their circumstance and ONLY looked at the word of God what would our belief about our Father be? And believe me, i dont claim to know everything but i like to believe i know a little about the nature of my Father and i dont see it. I see a Father who loves us more than the life of His Son. And i see a Son who for the joy set before Him trusted His Father and endured torture beyond what we could ever imagine to bring us back into reight standing and fellowship with the Father. I wouldnt give the life of my child for anyone and Jesus gave His for the worst of the worst. And i just dont see how after doing that unbelievably beautiful demonstartion of love and sacrifice how people believe He does these other things. I wouldnt do that to my child, would you? Why then would we think our Father would. As far as why things happen, I dont know. I dont know why children get sick or people get ripped away. I will be honest and say sometimes i think like the people in the wilderness we never come to know His ways. And i dont think we are taught to believe Him and fight for things. Like the woman who came to Jesus and her daughter was demon possesed in matt 15:22. She was crying out so loud the disciples were trying to send her away- alot of people would have left at that point. Jesus says to let her stay but then He ignores her request. How many of us would have left then? The He calls her a dog! Read it- He did! Im pretty sure that would have taken care of the rest of us. But she doesnt leave and it doesnt appear she was going to until she got what she came for. And she did and not only did her daughter get delivered but Jesus marveled at her great faith. She had pitbull tenacity that wasnt going to let go. Do we have that? Or do we quit before we get our promise. Do we give up because He doesnt answer us right away? Or do we stand firm. I may not understand all things and i know we only see through the glass dimly right now but i dont want to go down with out a fight- like my husband. I believe there are far more promises in God's word about having a long life filled with good than that of dying young and im gonna fight like hell for what i believe the bible promises to me. Right now, im amazed. I feel like 10,000 are falling at my side and 1000 at my right hand and im really amazed at the number of men- young men- that are passing over. It's not right! No one would will EVER be able to convince me that it was God's will that my husband at 45 pass over leaving me without a husband and my sons without their dad. and likewise no one will EVER convince me that this was the way God chose to heal him. Give me chapter and verse. I dont understand it all and thats probably one of the hardest parts of this trip. But i refuse to believe and say that his death was from my Fathers hand- my heart just cant believe that.

Everywhere i go i think of my husband. Starbucks, home depot, Roebucks, etc... I cant seem to drive down any street without some memory of Him coming over my heart. i was getting gas today, which is something i hate doing. It was one of the sweet things my husband used to do for me that i greatly appreciated. As i was deciding which gas to get i remembered how we use to have little arguments over which gas i put in my car. I would pick the cheapest one while he on the other hand would get one of the 2 more expensive ones trying to convince me that it was better quality and would be better for my engine. I would tell him it's all the same, they just say that to charge you more. We had that little tiff quite a few times trying to convince each other we were right. We also had one about the faster route to the 5 freeway. I would go up one street, and he would go down another one. We never actually clocked it but I would always try to convince him i was right and he would disagree and do the same. And these werent big arguments, just silly little disagreements. I remember the night I drove him to the ER. It was 9pm Thursday night oct 9 i believe. we said goodbye to the boys. isaac was so afraid he was shaking. I had to get on the 5 to go to the hospital and do you know which way i went? His way. Because in that moment of time being right just did not matter. Nothing mattered to me in that moment than him and loving him every possible way- even by getting on the freeway the way he thought was better. And anytime i have to get on the 5 now i always go the way he did. It's strange but it does something for me i just cant really explain. Life is short- even if you live a long life- it's still short. Being right isnt worth the waste of time to prove it. My husband would rarely fight with me. The things i mentioned above i wouldnt consider fighting. But if we were fighting ( or i was trying to fight with him ) and he was right he would take the blame and apologize because he new it was a waste of time. Listen, dont waste time on petty little things that so easily seem to sprout up in marriage...clothes on the floor, toilet seat up, things they do that just bug the crap out of you. But like weeds, you have to get rid of them by overcoming them or they'll take over and destroy your marriage. I had all those issues too but you know what, from where im sitting id take it all to have him back. It just doesnt matter- get over it, suck it up. Im sure i wasnt ms perfect to live with either and neither probably are you or any of us for that matter. Marriage is suppose to be a picture of the great mystery of Christ and His love for us- His bride. Its suppose to be a picture of trust (not perfection) forgiveness and unconditional love. So just love each other, do what the other wants, overlook the imperfections- be thankful that you have them!
1 corinthians 13 ...and if i have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if i have all faith , so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I AM NOTHING. Wow, thats something to sit with.

Im totally enjoying this beautiful warm and windy saturday. the boys watch sat morning cartoons from 7- 12 on saturdays which gives me time to clean the house and get some laundry done. After that we worked in the backyard getting our soil ready to plant the seeds we bought yesterday. Its amazing how excited kids get over the simplest of things. Simeon and i chased a grasshoper for a few minutes and he was just elated over trying to catch it. Ben and Isaiah found two blue tail caterpillars ( not even sure thats a real thing, but oh well! ) which was like finding gold to them. they ofcourse came in and took my last two tupperware containers to make homes for them and now they are carrying their new little friends around taking such sweet care of them. Now if i could only get them to love each other like they do these bugs!
I wanted to take some time to share about how tangible and amazingly faithful my Father has been throughout this journey. The very first thing He did was 2 days after George passed. i decided to go to cottonwood church. It was a big convention weekend and i knew there would be a billion people there but i had prayed that morning and asked the Lord to lead me and sit me next to someone who had been where i was that could tell me i would be ok. I just really needed to hear those words. So i went and i chose a seat next to this lady who's name is Deborah. We said hello to each other and ofcourse i lost it and shared with her what had happened. She assured me i would be ok. and she said, " im not just saying that, im speaking from experience."she went on to tell me how 9 years ago her fiance - the man she had saved herself for her whole life- had passed away from a brain annurism ( i know i spelled that wrong- sorry ) he lived in a different city from her and when she hadnt heard from him she went to his place and found him dead. so she loved on me and told me i would never forget but that it would get easier. I dont remember any part of the message that day except the very end and it was like God was speaking directly to me. The man speaking was talking about the looking good christians. the ones who are always smiling, dressed nice, walking by us in life all happily cruising along. Then he said , but if this is you and he got down on his knees and started dragging himself across the floor, you just keep looking straight ahead at Jesus. Even if everyone around you is happily going by you just keep going, hang on, and before you know it you'll be over here and you wont know how you got there but God will carry you through just keep looking at Him. I sat there crying my eyes out because that was me, that was exactly how i felt- like i could barely even crawl. Here i sit almost 5 months later, eyes still fixed on Him and i can say He is absolutely faithful and so near to the brokenhearted! Now i am able to walk, smile even, but i do still have those days of just barely being able to do it. And on those days of not being able to cling to Him, i know He is clinging to me.
ps 62:5-8 My soul, find rest in God alone, for my hope is from Him. He only is my Rock and my Salvation, my Stronghold; i will not be moved. On God my salvation and my glory rest. The Rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.

today i feel like im in my own private hell while the world and other peoples lives just keep going on around me. i feel prisoner to these emotions. i dont know if as a believer i am suppose to take these thoughts and feelings captive or if i am suppose to ride it out through them. im incredibly angry and i dont feel like i can do anything right. Im taking every complaint from my children to heart. I have no outlet that seems to be working and i definately cant be screaming like i was in the car or my kids would freak. although maybe i just should do it into my pillow verses taking it out on them. I dont know. And i cant really talk to anyone about it. Even though i know they care, i think it would overwhelm them and they wouldnt know what to say. I feel like i dont know what im doing or how to even be a mom to them. I feel this huge burden that im damaging them. there is only just one of me! I cant do it all. i just feel like i cant do this. i cant raise these boys alone. I cant physically or emotionally do it. I cant get anything done because everyone wants my attention or someone is fighting with someone somewhere and if i dont get there fast enough my wonderful oldest points out how im not taking care of it! Mind you, i was on the toilet when that happened this morning. And honestly i dont want to deal with them. I AM TIRED!!!!! im tired of dealing with stupid crap every 2 minutes about who touched who or someone is ignoring someone or he has my tiny little lego piece or whatever! Its rediculous! This is my every minute of everyday, all by myself life. I dont want it. I have nothing to give. I cant listen to another story about bionicles, power miners, or starwars- i cant! and this all may sound trivial to some but i just cant do it today. I need help! I need my husband! My world is just spinning right now and im way overwhelmed by too many things.

God never ceases to amaze me! As I was typing this I had an unexpected visit from this very sweet little old Christian couple that lives around the corner from us. Ofcourse being as emotional as i am today as soon as she looked me in the eyes and asked how i was doing i completely crumbled. She immediately dropped her bags she was holding and grabbed me and would not stop hugging me. even when i tried to let her go, she still held on to me. I just love that! I love how God provides exactly what you need from a least expected source. They stayed for a bit and i got to share some of the amazing things God has done for us ( which eventually id like to share on here too ) and you know, im feeling much better. I have to overcome the " i cant's " If this anger is part of the journey then I need the Lord to show me how to deal with it in a healthy way so im not so upset with my boys. But if it's not part of this journey then i need Him to help me get the victory over it. i have a picture in my mind about how i want our family to be, i just dont know how to get us there. Plus i think i have this expectation of my boys to suddenly become quiet, thankful, cheerful and perfectly obedient and im not sure if thats even possible? Also, i need to remember that they are going through this valley as well only with a lot less understanding and a part time crazy emotional mom. And even though they dont talk to me about it much, that doesnt mean its not affecting them. I know it has to be. Please, to whoever reads this, pray for us but especially for me- i need wisdom from the Holy Spirit every second of the day. I need His peace and strength and sometimes His hand over my mouth. I need to also keep in mind that i still have an enemy who would absolutely take advantage of my brokenness right now and try to destroy me and our family. I sure feel like i need alot! Good thing nothing is impossible for our Father, that He gives wisdom to all who ask with out measure, that His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness and love towards us is everlasting.

Not sure what will come out tonight...

I have so many things i want to share but im never quite sure what direction im going to go. I feel like we have been battling one sickness after another here at home. We had chicken pox and strep throat a month ago and now we have vomiting, high fevers, yucky green eye infections and bad coughs. I woke this morning at 4:30 am to Ben throwing up. And you know, that even made me miss my husband. Not that he would have been any help. He cant handle the barf o rama's , he'd been throwing up too. But i miss just having him to talk to and laugh with about it and other life things. I went out to the korean spa the other night with my sweet sister and she brought up thanksgiving for some reason. Then about 2 minutes later she said " im sorry, did i just make you think of george and get sad by bringing up thanksgiving?" I said no, because it's not actually those times that make me really sad. What i miss is him not being here when i got home from the spa to share the crazy fun time we had. I miss just doing and sharing our life together. I miss how tonight we probably would have somehow laughed about the barf fest this morning and even though he wouldnt have been much physical help to me, his presence would have given me strength and he would have encouraged me and told me he thought i am amazing and he doesn't know how i do it. Well, part of how ive always done it is that he was always behind me, or by my side. Its unbelievable how two become one flesh, and you create this life together of memories and hopes for the future. And then one day- IT'S ALL GONE- ALL OF IT. Not only the person you love, but also the life you knew. And the crazy part is that everywhere i go i see memories of what was our life at one time, but isnt now. Even just places we liked to eat at together, where we have been dozens of time- not anymore, thats over now. Or i may see a trailer loaded up with quads and think we were going to do that with the boys down the road- that was going to be our life- but not now. And I know my Father is creating a new life for us now which is strange too because i feel like i live in two different worlds sometimes. The one world that still includes my husband, that still really just thinks he's away working and will be home eventually. Thats the world i want to hold on to and still live in but we cant because it doesnt really exist anymore. Then theres the new life God is amazingly and beautifully creating for us that im drawn to because of His love and comfort. I know and believe whole heartedly that He has stepped in as my Husband and Provider and still is my Father but now is also a Father to my sons. And you can be certain im ( lovingly ) holding Him to His word. It's just a trip....unreal still at almost 5 months. I can still see his big ol sweet smile. He was always smiling, and im sure he is now even more. I remember one of the last things he said to me. I was pretty much having a breakdown, it was maybe about 2 weeks before he died. He was on a high dose of morphine so he was pretty much alseep most of the time. But every once in a while he'd have an awake moment of clarity. So i was upset and he said " come here, and let me help you " He held me and i laid my face in his neck. He said " you have to remember Jesus. He is here to help us and you have to remember to include Him in to the situation, He 's here to help. Remember Him." Those were actually the last really coherent words he spoke to me. They were beautiful to me then and they are words of life to me now. I start our everyday doing just that- remembering and including Jesus in to our life for that day. He wants to be part of our everyday life. I feel so blessed that my husband loved me with those amazing words of encouragment- exactly what i would need to get us through now. I miss him greatly!